Unresolved, unjustified, and unfair – a letter to my ex

[healingwords]

Dear Ex,

My emotions are so conflicting when I recall your former presence in my life.

I developed feelings for you so soon, so deeply that it feels unfair that I’ve been left with the short end of the stick.
From day dot, from before we met, I had already made so many accommodations for you. I assumed the best of you, gave you the benefit of the doubt, always looked at you in the most positive light that I could, even when it was not easy for me to do so.

As time would have it, the reality of who you were began to show and the rosy glasses began to fall off, yet I chose to accept who you are even when I began to see that you weren’t the perfect woman who I imagined you to be. I chose commitment and acceptance over perfection. I gave of myself to you. I made sacrifices of my own for us. I stood up for you, I comforted you, helped you to value yourself and learn to stand again on your two feet. Time and time again I gave of myself, I cared, I put you first, so that you wouldn’t have to cry. So that you wouldn’t have to carry your burdens alone, feel burnt out, overwhelmed, anxious, and misunderstood, even if it came at the cost of my own sleep, even if it cost my own energy, my own time, and my finances. I went well out of my way when I had to, so that you had at least one person who you knew would always have your back when you suffered.

When your situation started to improve, we were able to laugh more. You started integrating yourself in my church community, met my friends, and we started to integrate our lives with each other. We made exercise and self-care priorities for our lives, and activities that we shared. I looked out for us, and at times, you would look out for me – usually when I least expected you to. You’d catch me off guard & I’d be moved at how sensitive you were to me in those moments when I didn’t even think I needed the attention that you gave. I was sure that you would be my one. Even though I knew you weren’t perfect, even though I knew the relationship would require me to give more than I had ever given. So, we made plans. I would propose to you, and your father had even given his blessings. We would go on a road trip, and I would propose to you with the ring we had resized for you – the one you never got to see in person because I always had you wear a silly sleeping mask so the ring would remain a surprise until the day! I’d have the photographer I arranged in secret take photos of the proposal. Then 6-months later we’d be married, as we had planned. Just how we had it locked in with our pastor and our families. But here we are today.

You’re probably at your own home with your puppy, while I am at mine. We are no longer having those after-work dinners where we’d catch up, laugh, and talk about our day – the highs and the lows – over some good food. We aren’t worrying about your puppies needs together anymore. We aren’t looking forward and planning a future together, texting each other throughout the day, planning dates for the weekends. We aren’t going to church together anymore and planning catchups with our families and friends. I don’t know what you’re doing with your time, but I can only imagine that – or maybe I’m too optimistic – that you miss some of these moments too, some of these routines, plans, and shared activities we once did. I feel like part of you would.

Yet I know that a part of you despises me, because you expressed your negative feelings towards me when you decided to breakup and to also not follow through with any couples counseling. You told me we had differences, differences we both knew, but were unequally committed towards resolving. You’ve labelled me again as someone I am not, wanting to be understood but yourself being unwilling to understand. Wanting to be right but prioritising your own sense of victory at the expense of a loss of a relationship that had every potential to be something more. Compromising your own values for the sake of putting on a strong front, blind to the hurt that you cause when you twist and skew objective truths to suit what is convenient for you, instead of acknowledging that both of us have areas that we need to work on and collaborating to see how we get past the immediate problems in front of us. Your true colours really showed in the end.

Now more than ever, I’ve begun to feel anger, resentment, regret, hurt, betrayed, and more than anything a deep sense of sadness and pity for you. Pity because your unwillingness to acknowledge and work on your character flaws will inevitably continue to negatively impact your future relationships until that unwillingness changes. Sad, because every opportunity is there for you to minimise that, but you’ll undoubtedly be left to your own vices unless you change. Pity, because you continue to lie to others through telling half-truths, eventually deceiving your own self by minimising your own flaws instead of owning up to them. I hardly recognise the person you’ve become. Your appearance is the same, but your behaviour completely opposite to the person I fell in love with. You’re definitely not the person who I once dated anymore. You’re definitely not the person I hoped to marry.

Just tell me though, what did you do with her?

• This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by healingwords.

Topic

[healingwords]

VM-Fern
Thank you.

[VM-Fern]

@healingwords, so apt a name for all those wonderful healing words you summarised. Growing acceptance of loss, getting better at sitting with uncomfortable feelings and learning from them, seeing opportunities for growth (aka post-traumatic growth, which isn’t talked about nearly enough), gradual change, never too late to do good things for yourself, refusal to give up on yourself, having the courage to seek support in dealing with uncertainty. I too hope your words can bring some measure of comfort to others. All the very best to you.

[healingwords]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I am getting support from my psych, friends, and family. As difficult as it is, I feel like I am – more – able to accept it now for the loss that it is.

I am still learning to sit with the feelings, uncomfortable as they may be, and listen to what they are telling me.

I realise that both in this domain and others, lay opportunities for me to grow, adapt, and make changes in my life for the better. Changes that in some cases I may have been avoiding, dismissing, or ignoring altogether.

It’ll probably take time, and I’m not interested in making changes quickly. However, I feel like it’s never too late to do something good for myself. To make some positive change for myself.

For anyone out there who reads this after I’ve made this post. I hope that you find courage too that no matter how bleak things may seem, there will be a way to go through it and come out a victor so long as you refuse to give up on yourself and have the courage to find support, and face the uncertainty.

God be with you all.

[healingwords]

Hi @VM-Fern,
I’m sorry that I misunderstood your family’s situation. Thank you for clarifying that for me, I understand a little bit better now!
I hope that the close family can find comfort and support in their recent loss. I have been confronted with suicide once in my life and it was not easy to process.

It has indeed been helpful writing on this forum and both having my feelings validated and gaining further insight from those like yourself who have invested their time into reading my original post and subsequent replies. The term “ad hominem” definitely describes the argument style that my ex used, in spite of me calling out early in the relationship that part of what makes a relationship successful in my eyes is the ability to resolve conflict by focusing on attacking the problem together rather than attacking the other person – something I even mentioned to her father at our first meeting. Its emergence therefore took me by surprise initially, and when it occurred in subsequent conflicts in the course of the relationship it became an increasingly significant red flag.

Coming to a point of acceptance with our separation is still a difficult pill for me to swallow, I admit. Some days I feel such a strong urge to want to find any kind of excuse to contact my ex again. In those moments, the most difficult thing to do is to refrain from hitting the “send” button on the message I’ve typed, and accepting that although I may still at times idealise her in spite of the negative things, the reality is also very likely that I won’t find the reciprocation of feelings or the validation of my hurt that I am seeking to gain from the interaction. And there are times that I crave that connection we once shared again.

I must commend myself though, that I have managed to refrain from doing so lately. I’ve also made a plan to seek my psychologist for counsel and validation of the emotions I’ve been feeling, hoping that my upcoming sessions will help me in processing this grief and accepting this loss more quickly. My mind is significantly clearer these days than it was in days gone by, so I acknowledge how far I’ve come, and celebrate myself today!

[VM-Fern]

@healingwords, first thank you for your empathy and kind words about my family’s recent loss. I did not have a close relationship with the deceased and so there has been little grief for me, but for the close family it is very traumatic.

It has been so helpful for you to contribute your words here and thus steadily increase your clarity about the nature of this relationship. No wonder you have been so confused! It seems to me you have been trying hard to understand why the actions do not match the assertions like “I do care for you”, and from what you describe there was a consistent pattern of emotionally-based defences. Such as the crying which causes you to feel guilty (mainly because of your empathy for others’ distress) and which helps to defend against responding to your attempts to understand/clarify. The anger and verbal attacks (aka “ad hominem attacks”) seem to me to be escalations of the emotional defences, as they cause fight/flight responses in you which are natural responses to threats. Ad hominem attacks quickly divert the discussion away from someone and put all the focus onto the other as the other defends themselves, either with angry fight, or fearful flight.

Also I think comments such as “you should just know how I’m feeling” (the worst version of this is: “if you truly loved me, you would know how I’m feeling”) are common defences to avoid or deflect discussion. And then if you respond that you don’t know, then the defence becomes “well you’re not asking the right way”. In all these examples, you are the one being attacked which confusingly runs counter to the “I do care for you” assertion.

I make no judgements about this. I’m reminded of the hurt animal which bites the hand of someone trying to help it: it is simply defending itself against the possibility of experiencing further pain. In the same way, I think emotional defences may well be completely unconscious, designed by the brain to avoid and deflect attention away from personal distress or trauma.

I think you are 100% correct that this kind of dynamic is messy and unhealthy. And I also completely agree that you did not deserve to be treated in this way, especially when it sounds like you were trying to make the relationship work without resorting yourself to these types of hurtful emotional attacks.

[healingwords]

@VM-Fern
Thank you for taking time to re-visit this thread and read through all the replies. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Suicide can be traumatising and I hope that you and your extended family find comfort and support in your grief.

For me, part of the confusion is that things were said and done (e.g., I am committed, I care for you, etc.) and yet when it came time to prove it I feel like the words weren’t backed up by actions anymore. The confusion is also of who the true identity of my ex was. We all want to present an image of ourselves, however, eventually the truth of who we are comes out. I feel like the image I saw was not entirely who she truly was, and so when little things here and there showed me insight and I asked her about what she meant, she would break down in tears almost to try and manipulate my feelings and detract me from the fact that she never gave an answer. And that dynamic often occurred in other settings too. She would wiggle her way out of things by crying, and crying enough so the other person feels bad and let’s het off. When that stopped working, she started resorting to anger and verbal attacks. Which of course, escalated things rather than allowing space for differences to be discussed. When enquired, I was expected to know without asking. When told I’d never know if I didn’t ask, them I’d start being blamed for the “way” I was asking.

Writing it out makes me see how much of a mess that kind of dynamic is. How unhealthy that kind of a dynamic is. I’m not perfect, but I don’t deserve that kind of treatment either.

[VM-Fern]

@healingwords, re-reading your posts and the great replies have made me reflect – again – on the truth that being able to understand what has happened and for what reasons in grief/loss experiences is so important in eventually being able to accept those losses, both intellectually and emotionally. I was thinking about it with your words that you are struggling to make sense of the rejection and you ex’s refusal to continue with the relationship, and how that has left you feeling very confused. None of us are mind-readers, (and probably just as well, on the whole), but a greater understanding of what your ex might have been thinking and feeling would have been helpful in lessening your confusion. I have also been thinking a lot about this because my extended family has recently experienced a sudden and unexpected death by suicide, and like many such losses, nobody really knows why although educated guesses can be made. The more knowledge there is, the less need for the mind to do the “what ifs” and “if onlys” which also helps to relieve guilty feelings. You have made some excellent decisions in helping you to make greater sense of your loss and we wish you all the best with those.

[healingwords]

@VM-Yanw13, thank you so much for your reply.
I don’t have the words to truly express how much gratitude I feel towards you, even though I don’t know you.
I feel heard, validated, encouraged, and valued. I am not rubbish. I didn’t imagine or dream all these things and wake up with heartbreak, sadness, anger, and depression. Everything was real, even though much of what remains are now just memories.
Thank you for being present to read my letter. Thank you for seeing the honesty and the effort with which I wrote that letter.
Thank you for making the time to reply, for being sensitive, gentle, and affirming.
May you be treated with as much kindness as you give toward others and more. Bless you.

@VM-The Old Oak Tree
You too are a kind soul. Thank you for taking the time to read my original post, my interactions with other forum members since, and for assuring me that there are people like yourself on this forum reading and listening to my emotions and my feelings as I write. Reading your response was like reading a message from a friend who has been through the experiences I have, survived it, and who is taking the time to relate with me – who at times has felt like my feelings and thoughts were unique. I sense that I’m not alone in this experience of grief, and that it’s entirely normal to feel the positive and negative emotions in this process as we humans do.

Update:
This last day or two, I have decided to take onboard a suggestion I received to have a journal where I can write to my ex whenever I feel the urge to talk to her. I am conscious that even in this practice I need to set boundaries on my time and energy so as to ensure that I don’t spiral down. However, in some ways I have found this practice to be helpful – although I have only just started it – to supplement the face-to-face conversations that I am having with my trusted friends, the text messages I send back and forth with those friends of mine who I can’t meet face to face yet.

I’ve also decided to schedule some additional sessions with my regular psychologist, understanding that if there’s ever a time I could do with more support, then this would be one of those times. I am also taking time to connect with those around me, though at times it feels scary and difficult to be vulnerable and speak the truth of how I feel out of fear that they too might feel overwhelmed or reject my feelings, my thoughts, and my opinions.

I am also starting to have brief moments where for a split second I imagine the joy I would feel if I did meet someone who was a better match for me, although I am conscious that I am not ready now to even consider giving my heart to another yet so soon. I also worry at times whether the happy ever after I imagine is something I’ll ever get the joy of ever experiencing given my current age and life circumstances compared to my friends who are mostly married and with one or several children, or if time will rob me of the opportunity to ever build the kind of relationship that I imagine.

I am also mindful that my parents may not be around long enough for me to find another person, date, get engaged, marry, and have children. Can someone please help me to put these thoughts at rest?

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by healingwords.
• This reply was modified 1 month ago by healingwords.
• This reply was modified 1 month ago by healingwords.
• This reply was modified 1 month ago by healingwords.

[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Dear Healingwords,

Having read your letter and subsequent replies to other forum users some things have really struck me. Parts of your story
has reminded me of how I’ve felt after relationship break-ups, and friendships which have ended as well. The way you mentioned
there being an imbalance in the relationship and the rose coloured glasses wearing off eventually reminded me so much of
past experiences. I think it’s really normal to have your judgement affected in a relationship since there are feelings involved,
and hopes for the best possible future. I’d say its also really normal and probably objectively accurate to reflect upon things
you saw as positive in the relationship as well as things that you see as negative. For me, I’ve found after a relationship has
finally ended for good, its much easier to see the negative things for what they actually are, as I tend to kid myself less and
am able to be more honest with myself.

I think every relationship and every person is different though, so I wonder if you relate to what I’m saying here? I also think
its really normal and healthy to look back on aspects of a past relationship and see a lot of positives. This is especially the
case for me the more time goes by since the relationship or friendship has ended I find. We learn from everyone we ever meet, about
ourselves, about life, and about so many other things such as the other person’s areas of interest and passions in life.

I also find that mixed feelings are such a part of these things. When you say that you’re left doubting that any of the good in the
relationship was real to begin with you remind me so much of things I’ve been through. I like to think there’s always some good things
that come from breakups, such as the lessons we’ve learned and how we’ll then know ourselves better in our next relationship. Although,
I think it can be very hard to value that when you’re really in the throws of a recent breakup. But as they say, its better to have loved
and lost than to have never loved at all.

I thank you for sharing and wish you well. Please continue to share if you wish to. We are here, listening to you.

[VM-Yanw13]

Hi @healingwords

Thank you for opening up with such honesty and depth. Your words carry the weight of someone who has truly sat with the full spectrum of what this relationship was, both the sweetness and the sorrow. That slow shift you described, from subtle imbalance to undeniable pain, is something many of us feel but struggle to articulate. It’s deeply human to hold onto the beautiful moments, even as the ending casts doubt on their meaning. That tension between what felt real and what now feels rejected is heartbreaking and confusing. So, I just want to gently affirm that your joy was real. Your love, your hope, your effort – they were real. And even if the relationship couldn’t hold all of that, it doesn’t diminish the truth of what you brought to it. The pain of abandonment doesn’t erase the beauty you experienced or the growth that may still come from it.
You’re not alone in this. Your reflection is powerful, and I hope you continue to give yourself space to feel, question, and heal at your own pace.

[Author]

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