Unexpected loss

[jiminyc79]

I honestly don’t know where to start. Two months ago my mum passed away unexpectedly. I had messaged her the night before and didn’t get a reply, which wasn’t unusual. The next morning I rang and she didn’t answer, I just knew something was wrong. I went to her house, somehow knowing what I was walking into. I found her in her bed, the only thing in this whole mess that has brought me any peace is knowing she passed peacefully in her sleep. As an only child everything has fallen on me to sort out, made even harder by the fact she was living in a housing trust property so I had to get everything in her house sorted straight away.

To make things worse my son was diagnosed with Leukaemia two years ago, at age two. I’ve been struggling these last twelve months with everything happening with him and hadn’t been there for my mum as much as I should have been. We spoke regularly and she spent time with my son, usually once a week for a few hours, something for which I am now extremely grateful. But I wasn’t able to be there for her to help her with the small things she needed. I’m truly overwhelmed with my loss, grief, guilt, sadness and all the other feelings I can’t even put into words. With everything I’ve had to do to organise her passing and keep supporting my son, and daughter, and partner, plus dealing with life, I honestly feel like I haven’t even had time to process her passing.

I’ve been telling myself to ring Griefline these last few weeks, but I keep putting it off. I have spoken to a few people close to me but haven’t told them how much I’m struggling. I know I’m not being a good partner, dad, boss or person at the moment but just feel so lost like I don’t know where to start or what to do.

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[hjb142]

You are probably trying your hardest. Don’t give up. You knew something was wrong. You were that in tune that you knew where and when to go looking. That doesn’t sound disconnected, cold or unloving to me. I don’t know what your relationship was like with your mum, but take it in that you did care. Unexpected loss is always going to leave regrets, even expected loss does. I have regrets too, just know they’d probably like you to continue living life to the fullest and happiest you can. You will heal overtime. It’s still fresh and new and you need to be kind to yourself.

[VM-evie]

Hi @jiminyc79,
Firstly, I want to acknowledge what a big step you have taken in sharing your grief and pain with us here. Talking about such intense and painful feelings is never easy, and it takes courage to reach out and share.
What an awful shock to lose your mum so unexpectedly. It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions, which is completely normal. Your sentiment about not feeling like you’ve had time to process your grief is entirely understandable. Sudden and unexpected losses can really turn our world upside down, and it takes time to come to terms with the new reality. Two months is still early in the grief journey.
On top of that, it must be incredibly hard to watch your son go through his illness, especially at such a young age. The strength it must take to care for him while dealing with your own grief is unimaginable. Trying to process the loss of your mother while managing the intense emotions and responsibilities of caring for your son is an overwhelming and painful experience, and it’s completely understandable to feel so lost right now. Remember, it is still early in your grief journey, so be kind to yourself.
From your post, it is clear that you are doing your best to show up for the people around you in your role as a partner, dad, boss, and person, while also trying to process your grief. It’s great that you have been talking to people close to you, even if you can’t yet share the full extent of your grief. Sometimes it can feel easier to share those feelings with a stranger. Please know that we are here for you at Griefline, and our trained volunteers are ready to listen and support you whenever you feel ready to talk. You can call the Helpline on 1300 845 745 between the hours of 8am – 8pm (AEDT), 7 days per week. You may also find this article about coping with the loss of a loved one useful: https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-loss/

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