This is a tough post, please be aware it maybe triggering. But I need to say it.

[abc01]

Dear All,

I am conflicted. My 3.5yr old cat died this May through an accident. He was attacked by dogs and passed. I found him after the fact and obviously this has been heart breaking. I am reaching a dark point and do have Mental Health Professionals trying to help me through. But I don’t have support outside of them. My family stopped along time ago, even though they can see what is happening to me. I just need to say this. I have always had strong values, ethics and beliefs on animal abuse and animal husbandry. An animal is for life and they should be looked after to a high standard. They are not objects or things in your life. They are alive. They have feelings. My previous childhood dog, I believed was abused in an animal kennel when we were moving as a child and my life changed at 13 when I looked at my dog and saw outside of just myself and realized he was here and needed someone to not only love him but be his champion in life. He had epilepsy and for the rest of his life I made sure that was taken care of,he had nothing to ask for and was always protected from people who could cause him harm. I was with him through every fit and at his last goodbye. He was my first experience of personal grief and death. But he was the light that shone on animals for me and started a life long purpose. My value,ethics and belief’s are to protect them their whole lives, love them unconditionally and passionately and to never abandon them. To love them more then I love myself and have the best quality of life I can possibly give them. For their existence to matter in a world where so many animals are unwanted or experience animal cruelty.

I am Conflicted:
*Major’s accidental death has made me blame and hate myself for the circumstances on how he died. This may have blocked me from grieving properly. Focusing on hating & blaming myself & others instead of grieving. (I do understand I was not at fault personally for his death.) I wake up remembering what has happened and go to bed thinking about it in the darkness and silence.

*I need to celebrate the life Major lived & his quality of life, instead of the fact and manner he passed. I can’t accept the circumstances he passed, in my value ethics and beliefs. It just doesn’t make sense to me. But he was loved,adored & lived life to the fullest everyday. My heart is broken that he left, however the above still stands.(About how he lived everyday)

*My values, ethics and beliefs are STRONG. They do turn on each other. I would never hurt Major, fact. But not protecting him on the day he passed (even with circumstances out of my control) makes those beliefs tricky.That day I did what I said I would (V,E&B), but he still died. So I feel as if I didn’t honor them. And I have fear and questions if I can honor them again in the future with another furry friend.

*I can’t see myself walking into an Animal Centre and picking a cat to adopt. I just can’t emotionally see myself being able to do that. Yet,that proposal is being pushed. Cats aren’t toys. Adoption is for life & not an experiment for my mental health. The loser would be that animal and my values, ethics and beliefs won’t allow that.

Thank-you for listening. I hope I haven’t upset others and am greatful for any insight or understanding.
ABC01

Topic

[vmrose33]

Dear ABC01

Thank you for your response; I am glad that you felt heard and understood from my reply. I hear that you are feeling scared that you may be stuck in this state permanently; worried that you are not getting better. The difficult emotions, hate, blame and regret make you feel broken, and you don’t want that for Major’s legacy. You want to find some kind of meaning in this entire experience for the both of you, and move forward with that.

You mentioned how helpful you found VR-herewithyou and other people’s responses to this and other things here, and resonate with certain things, but you find it hard to remember them in daily life when you need them. I wonder if there is some strategy you could use to remember, for example writing some notes for yourself of the words and phrases here you found helpful and sticking them up in your house where you’ll see them, or on a device? New habits can require some time and practise to establish. This is something I have found helpful in the past, however, I don’t intend to rush you in your process – I can hear how hard it’s been having others in your life think you should be over it by now, which does not at all align with the reality of the grieving journey.

Take care,
vmrose33

[abc01]

Dear VM-here with you,
Thank you for your reply and support full of understanding.
It is so easy to read other’s thoughts about what I have relayed to them,about how I feel and am ongoingly feeling. But for me to remember them and recall them after I have finished reading is hard. Obviously I can read it again, but theory into practical has always been a weakness for me. You are saying so many things that are resonating with me in my current moment/headspace today.

Just that other people can see I am so stuck is a huge comfort. People in my life expect me to get over it so quickly. I have tried to explain how Major is apart of MY own family and not my immediate family’s only,and that leds them to believe I am consumed by his passing. Maybe I am. Because I am try to reconcile two realities that conflict each other. A circle into a triangle hole. And it is not easy. My previous cat who has passed already, Major and my dog are MY own family. I don’t have human children and won’t be. So they became my own family unit. Losing one is hard to old age,losing one to a unimaginable circumstance is worse. Losing him to circumstances I couldn’t control and having an anxiety monster standing right in my face screaming that I should have controlled it, is almost torture. I know the facts, the reality,but I can’t stand the consequences so I direct the hurt,hate,shame and blame at myself.

Thank you SO MUCH for giving me another way to look at his legacy. I love Major so much today. I will always love my “kitten”.I only ever did things for him,never against him. I need to start and keep remembering that!

It is my dog’s birthday on Wednesday. As I do every year, I have a nice dinner for her and some chews to celebrate her. I need to be here for her as well as myself.She is so important in my life.

Thank you for acknowledging and validating how hard things are for me. It is simple words like that,that make me feel safe and also sane. Being confused alot is sometimes unbearable and takes me places in my mind that I shouldn’t be. I have endured too much and will have more to come, but maybe that is where self compassion comes in and my values,ethics and beliefs will become my empowerment again. If I am doing the right thing by myself,even if it is hard, then I am still doing the right thing by myself.

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me and having some of your words ground me today.
Grateful,
ABC01

[VM-herewithyou]

Dear, ABC01,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of pain, confusion, and grief, and I want to acknowledge just how difficult that is. I’m so sorry for the loss of Major and the heartbreak you’ve endured. The love and care you have for animals is so evident, and it’s clear that Major, along with your other pets, have been deeply cherished and protected throughout their lives.

It makes perfect sense that Major’s sudden, tragic passing has left you feeling conflicted. The way he died clashes so painfully with your strong values around protecting animals, and that has understandably caused you to question yourself. Please remember, though, that loving and protecting animals doesn’t mean you can control everything that happens. It’s not your fault that Major was taken in such a devastating way. It’s okay to feel conflicted—grief is rarely straightforward, especially when it’s tied to something that feels as unjust as Major’s death.

It sounds like you’re torn between the love and care you gave Major throughout his life and the painful circumstances of his passing. The fact that you’re struggling to reconcile these two realities shows how much Major meant to you. You gave him a wonderful life filled with love, and I hope, with time, you’ll be able to focus more on those happy memories rather than how he passed.

I can hear the fear in your words about moving forward, and it’s completely okay to not be ready to adopt another cat right now. You’re right—adoption is a lifelong commitment, and you deserve the space to heal without feeling pressured to take that step before you’re ready. Your values are clear and strong, and that’s part of what makes you such a caring and responsible pet owner. When and if the time comes to adopt again, you’ll know, and you’ll be able to honour those values in a way that feels right.

It’s understandable that you’re feeling stuck, and I can sense how much you want to find a way to heal. Grief has no easy answers, and there’s no right or wrong way to navigate it. Sometimes, it’s just about sitting with those uncomfortable emotions, even when it feels unbearable. I’m glad you have professionals supporting you, but I also understand that once a month can feel too far apart when the pain is so intense. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to them if you need more immediate support. Your well-being is important, and it’s okay to ask for help when things feel overwhelming.

As for your precious dog, it’s clear how much you care for her, too. Dogs are incredibly intuitive, and it’s understandable that she’s reacting to the changes in your emotions. Just as you were there for Major, you’re showing the same care for her, and that love will help guide you both through this difficult time.

You’ve been through so much, and I hope you can offer yourself some compassion in this process. It’s not easy, and it’s okay to feel lost. We’re here to listen and support you. Take your time, and know that Major’s legacy is not one of blame or regret—his legacy is the love, protection, and joy he experienced with you every day.

[abc01]

Dear vmrose33,
Thank you for your reply.

You have an understanding of my words that hasn’t always been the case elsewhere. Exact same words, but totally different reactions. So a deep thank-you for that understanding.
I don’t seem to be getting better. I seem to be getting triggered by alot and I don’t know what is right, and I don’t know what is wrong.
The answer to that is none of the above. Grief has no right or wrong way. But I feel like I NEED an answer.
These feelings are SO hard and SO uncomfortable to sit with. I have professionals to talk to, but only once a month. And the months since Major passed it doesn’t feel like we have worked alot on his passing. And I am scared. Scared things will stay this way and permanent. I won’t be happy again and have a purpose for my life anymore or ever again.

I have other things in my life, including a precious little dog I rescued from a rough situation. But it still doesn’t change my situation or emotions and trying to seek an answer.
I feel like a crap owner because my dog has picked up on alot of my feelings and her behavior has changed to be more protective of me. She suddenly lost him too.
I want her to have quality of life and the best life too. I don’t want this to be a regret on her life for me, when the time comes that she too passes. She is already a senior lady.
I need to deal with this blame, hate and regret.

“If I’m hearing you correctly, Major’s death in such circumstances doesn’t make any sense given your strong beliefs and your dedication to protect him, and so how can you possibly make sense of your decisions going forward, and trust in your capacities? Also, you are feeling stuck in that at the moment, like it might be permanent?”
You have nailed this perfectly. Every word. My beliefs say he shouldn’t have died. So how did he possibly die?! And how am I supposed to find any comfort/understanding that he did die? So that I can heal. So that a glimmer of hope can bloom in my confidence to possibly adopt another furry friend. When or if that time comes.

I feel broken. I don’t want that to be the legacy that Major leaves behind. I refuse too. It wasn’t his fault. His life was taken from him much, much earlier than it ever should. So I am left with blame, hate and regret at myself.

I am sorry. I don’t know which direction I am coming from. Here or There? Coming or Going? That is why I am always conflicted. And why I don’t know how to grieve to be healthy. And I want to be healthy for myself, as well as Major.

Thank-you for your support and listening.
ABC01

[vmrose33]

Dear abc01

Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts here. I can see it has been a tough time for you, including Major’s death, grieving your huge loss, and the resulting conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Blame, hate and regret have been a big part of your grieving process, and you are feeling like they have been obstacles to your moving through this difficult time. You want to focus on celebrating Major and the wonderful life that he led with you, but the senselessness of the circumstances around his death make this difficult. You hold a lot of self-blame for not preventing his death from happening, which extends to self-doubt of your abilities to protect others in the future.

If I’m hearing you correctly, Major’s death in such circumstances doesn’t make any sense given your strong beliefs and your dedication to protect him, and so how can you possibly make sense of your decisions going forward, and trust in your capacities? Also, you are feeling stuck in that at the moment, like it might be permanent?

The emotions around grief can feel overwhelming at times, and I can see how hard these conflicting factors are for you. I really like how you have been able to notice and name them, and come up with some good insights about it all. This is a valuable part of the process of grieving.

Take care,

vmrose33

[Author]

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