They removed another part of him today.

[abc01]

Dear All,

Today they had to pull down one side of the fence that encloses my backyard due to rot and age. One particular part was so bad the pailings had started to peel off in the last few weeks.
The thing is, this is my passed cat’s favourite fence. It even had a small chunk out of one of the pailings at the bottom (nowhere big enough to crawl through), but he used to sit there, loaf style and just peer through the hole. “You’re being a little creep”. I used to tell him fondly as he peered into next doors backyard. There was never anything in the yard, as an elderly man lives there with no family or pets. Just gardening, that brought the birds.
But now that panel has been pulled down and the trigger for a good memory is gone too. I had to quickly run and get my phone to take a picture of it before it was taken down. It is another part of him that is being erased in my home.

Rationally I know it is a fence. Rationally I know it is old and potentially dangerous and had to come down and a new one go up.
But the tears are on my cheeks as I write this. The smallest thing like a fence brings me to tears. I miss him.

I am also bitter. The backyard is NOW becoming a safer space, but he is gone and it doesn’t help him now. I may be seeing things askew. I can note that. I am just so angry that steps to keep our yard safe is being done now, after the fact of his death. And it makes me angry at my family for the negligence of the day my boy died. (note:This isn’t the fence that the neighbours dogs got under, it is on the opposite side).

I just miss him SO much. And until at least tomorrow, I will be on edge as the posts have to set and the barrier that keeps my dogs safe in our backyard will be gone until new pailings go up. I have anxiety they will get hurt. Rationally I know I can take them outside to the toilet on a lead, so I have control. But I am still freaked.

I just needed to say this to someone out there in this world.
Thank-you for listening.
ABC01

Topic

[VMPatch]

Hello @ABC01
Thank you for your post on 22/9/24. Yes recognizing when you are triggered is good. As you have discovered we cannot always avoid things that trigger our memories and emotions. Sometimes it can be helpful to name the feelings that arise and allow these feelings to be there. We are here to listen. You can also call our Helpline on 1300 845 745 if you want to talk with one the Helpline volunteers. Take care of yourself as you live through this painful loss.

[abc01]

Dear vm-may7,

Thank you for your reply and your kind words.

I realised something after the fence was finished. It looked new and bright. Not old and stained. It WAS brand new. The thing I realised was,it had taken the visual memories from the original fence. The triggers.
My trauma from the fence where his death happened is daily revisited because I have to see it every day. If I had a new fence on that side,it would help with the trauma, because it wouldn’t be the fence from that day. It is a strong trigger for me.
Unfortunately I asked when that fence would be redone and was told there was no need to replace it as yet.

But I guess if I can identify this,it is a good thing.

Thank you again.
ABC01

[vmmay7]

Hi again ABC01, thank you for reaching out and sharing what you are going through, it sounds like you’re experiencing a really difficult time. I’d just like to note that all of the feelings that you are experiencing are completely valid, even though the fence is ‘just a fence’, it holds so much meaning because of the special connection you shared with Major and the memories that this space conjures up for you. It’s natural to feel upset when something that reminds you of your beloved cat is no longer there, as it can feel like another part of them is slipping away.

The emotions of sadness and anger that you are experiencing are all a natural part of grieving. Grief can be triggered by unexpected things, like the memory of Major sitting by the fence, and it’s okay to cry and feel the loss deeply. It’s also understandable to feel frustrated that changes are happening now, after he has passed. Sometimes grief makes us reflect on what could have been, and can stir up feelings of regret or anger about things we wish had been different.

Be kind to yourself during this time and again, thank you for reaching out. Please continue to share with us here on the Griefline forums, and of course please give the Helpline a ring on 1300 845 745, the volunteers are there to support you. Grieving is a process, and it’s different for everyone, but you’re not alone in this.

• This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by vmmay7.

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