Sudden loss of a childhood friend

[theloveisneverending]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I am struggling with grief. I have known grief since I was 13 when my mum died of cancer and when my soul dog passed earlier this year. But grief continues to have surprises for me. Recently, my childhood/family friend died suddenly in an accident. She was only 16. I’ve known her since she was born and my mum and I were incredibly close to her until her family moved hours away when she 6. I saw her yearly (except during covid), but every time I saw her we were less close. Which is understandable as she didn’t see me often and was a moody young woman coming of age. But I stayed close with her family and continued to love her, ask about her and think of her often. Since she died, I’ve been focusing on her family who are going through an unimaginable, unthinkable time and I feel there isn’t room for my own grief. I didn’t think her death was going to impact me as much as it has but it has shaken my world. I am finding it incredibly hard to focus, my study and work performance has plummeted and I am just so sad and filled with guilt. I keep thinking of the last time I saw her, and if I had known I would have held her longer and let her know I loved her. I wish I had tried to be more involved with her life, I wish I had reached out more to ask about her life and how she was doing. I’m reaching out here in order to rant in a space full of people who get it but also because I don’t want her family to take on my grief. I also wonder if anyone has lost someone suddenly that they loved but weren’t close to in the end.

Thank you.

Topic

[VM-Fern]

Hi @theloveisneverending and thanks for your post which really highlighted the guilt we suffer from when a) we are a caring person and b) it feels like we never did enough before someone died. It sounds as though the guilt response is perhaps overwhelming the other usual grief responses which might be stopping you from feeling as though you can process your own grief. It is very common for people to have thoughts like “I should have reached out more to ask about her life and how she was doing.” The “should” word is very guilt-inducing and it might be helpful to replace it with “could”. So, you could have reached out more, but….. and see what where that thinking takes you. There are many reasons why you didn’t feel the need to reach out more and you well articulated a few of them in your post. But the thing about guilt is, pretty much only good people experience it. And the really certain thing is that if you had known she was going to be tragically taken so young, you would have done things differently, because you are a caring person.

[VMSunny88]

Hi @theloveisneverending,

It sounds like the past few months have been incredibly challenging for you after experiencing the loss of a family member or friend, and earlier in the year, the passing of your soul dog. Grief is already such a difficult and confusing experience, and when it happens so suddenly or to someone so young, it can bring an extra layer of pain and disbelief.

You sound like such a caring and thoughtful friend in the way you’re focusing on supporting their family. Still, it’s also completely okay (and important) to allow space for your own grief too. Reaching out here is a really valuable step toward acknowledging and sitting with those feelings.

It’s very common for concentration, motivation, or energy to dip when we’re carrying something so heavy. Everyday tasks can feel harder to engage with, and feelings of guilt can arise, maybe even wondering why do I get to keep living normally when their life was cut short? Please know that these thoughts are a normal part of grief, and you’re doing the best you can right now. The courage it takes to share your story here really shows your strength and openness.

If at any point you’d like to talk things through more deeply, Grieflines offers a free and confidential helpline from 8am–8pm, where trained volunteers can listen and support you. The number is 1300 845 745, you might find it comforting to have a space just for you.

I hope this community can continue to offer you some comfort and connection as you move through this difficult time.

[Author]

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