Struggling with sudden death of my cat & anger towards vet

[aimeeb]

My beautiful 8 year old cat Lucy died suddenly 2 days ago and I am struggling to cope. Right now I am struggling with reliving the awful final 2 days of her life and with feelings of immense anger towards the vets who I feel let her down. She was perfectly healthy and went to the vet for what we thought was a small operation to remove an abscess. After the operation she was send home to us in a horrific state with huge open wounds and completely out of it. We had no discharge notes and were told that she was fine and her state was normal. We were not prepared to look after a very sick, bleeding cat. I called the vets to say I didn’t think she was ok, but they reassured me she would come right. I stayed up with her all night and the next morning again called the vet and was reassured the anesthetic would wear off. By lunch time she was unresponsive we rushed her to the vet but they had no vets available on staff. The vet nurse managed to revive her and we were sent to another vet 40 mins away. By the time we got there, she had gone into major organ failure and could not be saved. I feel so angry that she was let down. I still don’t know how this could have happened. I’m in shock. She was my baby. I don’t know what to do. Getting angry at the vet won’t bring her back. Has anyone else managed to get through a situation like this? I can’t see a way out

• This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by aimeeb.

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[aimeeb]

Dear @VM-Serenity66, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to thank you for your reply. I’m struggling right now and don’t have the right words to thank you enough, but wanted to let you know that your words have given me alot of comfort. Thank you for your kindness. Aimee

[aimeeb]

Dear @abc01, I want to thank you for taking the time to give me such a considerate and kind reply, especially as you are dealing with your own grief. I’m struggling right now and don’t have the right words to thank you. But just wanted to let you know that your reply has meant a great deal to me and has helped me a lot. Thank you again. Aimee

[abc01]

Dear aimeeb,

I am sorry for the sudden loss of your beloved Lucy.
Abscesses are serious and I can understand why you made the choice to have an operation for your Lucy. You made that choice without malice or the intention for this to end Lucy’s life. The opposite in fact.
The fact that the duty of care from your vet was a big factor in Lucy’s passing, I can totally understand that. And the anger that you feel is completely valid. I too am angry at the human negligence that lead to the death of my boy, my cat in May. I understand being angry at them won’t change the situation or bring your cat back, but it is the reason you are angry. And it is valid to feel as angry as you want too. Anger is a part of the stages of grief and you don’t need to start at a specific stage.

If anger is where you have started, then anger is where you have started.

Sudden and unexpected loss is terrible, I won’t lie. And people around you will tell you all types of things, like “Everything happens for a reason.” Or “Maybe they were only meant to be here for the time they were.” Or “It is better to have loved and lost.” Or “Maybe they were too pure for this world and have been taken for a higher purpose.” That doesn’t help you and it is okay to thank the person for trying to help, but please don’t. These things don’t help your grief.

It is okay to take your time with your grief. It is unfair and justice for them may not happen.
But your love for Lucy shines through your post. And she was well loved and will be greatly missed. It is okay to have guilt. It is okay to have shoulda,coulda, woulda questions. It is an unfortunate way our brains try to process what has happened. But after awhile, you will need to put a strategy into place like telling yourself ”Well that didn’t happen.” After your should of thought. To address in your mind the reality. This is generally considered bargaining. Another stage in grief. But you have to let your mind go there to work through it. It is okay to be sad and mourn her fully. Lucy deserves it.

At the moment things are so fresh and you most likely will be in shock. Now is the time to look after yourself. Eat, sleep,exercise to get adrenaline out and do nice things for yourself to soothe your heart. Because you weren’t the reason Lucy passed. And those last few days of her life, were not her whole life. Her whole life was filled with love, thought and consideration for her in your daily life.

A pet loss counsellor said not to throw away your beloved’s things for 6-12 months as to not regret your choices. Put them in the shed,wrapped in a moving blanket will protect them. And when you feel strong enough, you could perhaps make a memory box or create a beautiful little place in your home to remember Lucy. A place where you can talk to her or celebrate her life with all her favourite things. An enduring connection, they call it. Lucy has shaped you as a person and you will carry her in your heart forever. That can’t be undone.

I am so sorry. And keep posting here as you need to. I have and it is helpful,even if it just to be heard. My Christmas was hard without my boy for the first time. I felt it intensely. It is okay to feel everything that you are.

I wish you well and am sending a hug your way.
ABC01

[VM-Serenity66]

Dear @aimeeb

The way you lost Lucy sounds awful and traumatic. It’s understandable that you would have such distressing feelings, and a sensation of shock so soon afterwards. Although it did not end well, you did all the right things for her, went through a great deal of effort and stress to take action for her. It’s a very insightful reflection that anger at the vets is not helpful. Nevertheless, anger is protective and feelings of anger are not unusual, especially since you loved Lucy so much and wanted to protect her. Coping with the washing-machine of turbulent emotions is a big and tiring job in the days and weeks after.

You asked if anyone else had managed to get through a situation like this. Many years ago our cat Weedy, a rehomed and beloved old patchwork lady with half a tail and a big history, needed a tricky operation for cancer. The operation and aftermath did not go well. You story of a desperate dash for emergency care is familiar to me. We too were unsuccessful. I felt gutted, because I had committed her to that. Nevertheless, looking back, we did what we could with the situation in front of us. It affected me for a long time, and I still feel sad about her. I’ve just grown around it, like a tree around a scar. That was nearly twenty years ago.

Our backyard is full of the friendly ghosts of decades of beloved critters; cats, dogs and a few possums. They are trees and flowers and grass now. Weedy is among them. Sometimes I like to sit and talk to them fondly, or give a little nod while mowing. Thank you for reminding me of Weedy. I do hope your memories of Lucy become gentler and sweeter with time.

[vmrose33]

Dear aimeeb

You are welcome. Of course everyone experiences grief in their own ways, but I think it can be especially hard when there were traumatic circumstances. I can hear that you’ve been in shock and much pain after the awful ordeal and my heart goes out to you.

How do you feel about your ability to cope day to day, or hour to hour? Try to remember to eat, sleep, and other basic routines and self-care. Think of what sorts of supports or resources you have around you that you might be able to lean on to help you cope in this difficult time. Sometimes it can help to make a list. I am proud of you for reaching out here. There are good links and articles on the Griefline website, and also other sites as you need, such as Lifeline.

take care,
vmrose33

[aimeeb]

@vmrose33 thank you for your kind reply. It is a comfort to know that there will be a time when this does not feel so painful. It’s very hard right now. I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved bird, that must have been extremely distressing. Thank you again.

[vmrose33]

Dear aimeeb

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, that sounds like a terribly traumatic and horrific experience. I can understand your anger toward the vet who you had trusted to care for Lucy. It can be so hard to see any way out of / beyond grief whilst we are in the worst of it.

You asked if anyone else has gotten through similar – several years ago we lost a member of our family (bird) suddenly and prematurely, which was especially traumatic for me as I found him and I could have prevented it had I made different choices. My love for him and memories are still strong as ever, but the intensity of the grief has lessened. Over time I grew “bigger”, sort of expanded myself around the grief, it’s a part of who I am but in a good way, though still very sad he couldn’t be with us forever. The amazing wonderful memories we have will be with us forever and we keep sharing stories so he won’t be forgotten.

There are others here in this part of the forum who have struggled with similar losses. I am glad that you’ve found it and hope you can find more supports and ways to self-care during this challenging time.

Take care,

vmrose33

[Author]

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