Still no relief from other’s expectations

[abc01]

Dear All,
Almost 6 weeks ago my beloved cat was killed by the next door neighbours dogs,who dug under the fence.
My boy was always considered my child(people always called me his mum)and my days were filled with always thinking of him,as part of my daily life. Seeing pictures on my phone of him,made me want to come home faster to see him. All my daily routines involved him in them. People would always ask me to do things outside of the house, and my first thoughts were if my cat would be okay if I went. Like would I be home to feed him dinner. Would he be warm enough if I went out overnight somewhere if the heater couldn’t be on. Would he wonder around and get up to mischief if he got bored and understimulated. My thoughts always factored him into it. Now he is gone and so is all of that and it is a tremendous pain I feel.

The people around me are tired of my grief now. They have told me it is time to get over it and move on. They have told me to get another kitten. I have been told to “stop carrying on”. And the most hurtful part of it,is that they lived in the house with my cat too. I can no longer express my true feelings in the moment with them because I don’t get comfort,just told to move on. I have even started to pretend in front of them as it is easier then the rejection I feel from the cold responses. I am not okay though. Far from it.

The most hurtful part of my life right now, is the neighbours just moved out this week. You have no idea how my head is shoukda coulda woulda’ring right now. Just 5 1/2 weeks later. Why couldn’t they have moved before the day they killed my cat. Why couldn’t the dogs not have dug that hole for 5 weeks?!
And the people in my life expect that development to make me feel better or some relief,but I have none. Major is still dead,he isn’t coming back to me.They stole his life from him in a violent way. So whether they are there or gone that will never change. I will also hate them for the rest of my whole life. Next door or not. I have never had hate in my character,but now I truly do. I will never forgive them or forget.

I wish people would understand my pain. It isn’t fixed by one act. Nothing can make up for Major’s death. Nobody understands how I feel as his mother towards him as my son. Nobody lives my days in the world without him. It is getting harder not easier and I am having to deal with it all on my own now.

People need to stop have expectations on me,listen to how I actually feel and try to empathise and put themselves in my shoes. And stop telling me I will need to go into hospital if I don’t improve. I am grieving, I am meant to have intense emotions and grief stages.

But pigs will fly before that happens.

Thank you for listening to me tonight. I really needed to get this off my chest.
ABC01

Topic

[abc01]

Dear The Old Oak Tree,
Just thank you so much. Your responses have been on my level and much needed.
I hope you continue to help reaching out to others in their time of need.
You words hold alot of hope.
From ABC01.

[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Hi ABC01,

I’m really glad if you found some comfort from my response yesterday evening. I just wanted to respond to your message back as well. I think that as long as it doesn’t make you feel too upset, its really good to feel the emotions you mentioned, and reflect on how proud you are of how you raised Major, and the love that you shared with him. And yes, it certainly did come through from your original post how important he was in your life, and I’m sure how important you were in his life. This capacity to love and receive love is definitely a strength of yours. I feel that another strength you have is the insight that you have displayed about your feelings. It isn’t always easy for people to articulate themselves so well, especially when they in the early stages of their grief and loss journey. I want to mention that 6 weeks on is still definitely in the early stages.

And definitely your grief is important. Many people form very close bonds with their pets, just like they do with important people in their lives. Unfortunately, it can be a type of bereavement which may be poorly understood by other people. For example, I think it could fairly be considered to be quite insensitive for someone to have suggested you get a kitten, when really it sounds like Major is completely irreplaceable to you. Most of the time, I think people mean to be helpful, but they can inadvertently say rather insensitive things which communicate a complete lack of understanding about what its like for you.

I also wanted to mention that even thinking about Major, the loved you shared, how proud you were of him, and the many other feelings and emotions you have can be a perfectly healthy way of continuing your bond with Major. He’s very important to you, and its perfectly healthy for him to remain important to you. This idea of ‘Continuing bonds’ means that even though Major has passed physically, your relationship with him doesn’t have to end. He will always be in your mind and your heart. I thank you for sharing, and I wish you well. Please feel free to continue to post and engage on the Online Forums, and any of Griefline’s other services. Have a nice evening 🙂

[abc01]

Good evening VM-The Old Oak Tree,
First off, that is a wonderful user name. It invokes warmth.
But most of all,thank you for your kind words. “However, your loving nature, and the love you shared with Major is actually a strength of yours.” These words in particular made me feel so many emotions all in a few seconds. I am proud of how well I raised him, loved him and still have such tremendous emotions towards him. The importance of him in my life. To hear this as a strength empowers me. And it has validated my grief being important, too important to allow others to make me feel anything less then how I am feeling or coping now.
So thank you so much.
ABC01

[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Hi ABC01,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved pet Major. It sounds like you enjoyed a very close and meaningful relationship with him, and have shared so much together in life.

It is natural and normal to feel many different feelings as you begin your grief and loss journey. And unfortunately it is often that case that people who are bereaved often feel that the support offered by others is lacking, and that they might be quite insensitive. From what you have mentioned, the comments you have received from some others sound like they are very unhelpful, and are very much invalidating your feelings at the moment. However, your loving nature, and the love you shared with Major is actually a strength of yours. Similarly, the insights that you have into your own grief and loss process are a strength as well. You are right, that it is normal to feel intense emotions, especially this early on in your journey.

Perhaps one thing you are already doing, or might consider, is to find ways to continue the bond that you have with Major. This can be in the form of photographs, going places where you used to go together, or any other activities or practices you can think of that will help you to feel a connection to Major. Of course, while making an assessment about whether or not this is helpful for you at this stage. It’s perfectly ok to practice Continuing Bonds, and at times feel sadness come up for example. However, if it makes you feel very distressed, it might be best to avoid this practice at this stage. And it’s also worth knowing that this process of ‘Continuing Bonds’ is considered to be perfectly healthy for people who are bereaved. Even if you’re the only person who understands that it is beneficial.

If you would like someone to talk with, you are welcome to call our caring Helpline on 1300 845 745, between the hours of 8am to 8pm, Australian Eastern Standard Time (AEST). I can also suggest an article called ‘Losing a Pet’ which you can find here https://griefline.org.au/resources/losing-a-pet/. This article specifically relates to Pet Bereavement and also mentions how losing a Pet can be a loss which is often met with a lack of understanding and sympathy from those around the bereaved person.

Also, please continue to engage with our Online Forums as much as you would like to, and remember to look after yourself as well. We are here listening to you. I wish you well with your Grief and Loss Journey.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by VM-The Old Oak Tree.
• This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by VM-The Old Oak Tree.

[Author]

Replies