So many new emotions after losing my 11yo cat

[learningtocarry]

I had never had my own pets until my brother brought home 2 beautiful cats who soon came to be under my sole care. I developed the strongest bond with one of them – her name was Nuggy. She was my absolute everything, the only thing that could cheer me up when nothing else in the world could. I don’t really have friends and I don’t have a good relationship with my family so – aside from my husband – she was my true love and my best friend and my family all in one. She was by my side every second of every day, and slept on my pillow at night. She never complained or wanted anything from me. She was truly the most perfect cat. In January this year she was diagnosed with a heart condition and I gave her daily medication. Just last week she wet herself while sitting on the couch with us so we took her to emergency. Her lungs were full of fluid and her breathing was rapid. I don’t believe the vet diagnosed her properly back in January so the meds weren’t very effective, but I am doing my best not to blame everything on them. Emergency gave her steroids which reduced the fluid, but she wasn’t drinking or eating. The next day the fluid had returned in her lungs meaning her heart wasn’t pumping blood well enough. She was only 3 days in Emergency when we made the decision to let her go and I’ve been struggling, questioning whether we should have given her more time. We had the option to insert a tube into her neck to feed her but I couldn’t handle the thought of this little baby being fed through a tube like that. We didn’t know if feeding her would help with her energy levels or if she would basically be bed-ridden because of her heart condition. The emergency vets seemed to suggest putting her down was a better option….
I can’t get the image of her face out of my mind as the euthanasia was administered. I felt so horrible then, and I feel horrible now thinking/knowing that I ended her life. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep much since then because I feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t be able to enjoy anything because she isn’t here to enjoy life. I’m afraid to ever adopt a new pet because I couldn’t bear going through this pain ever again. I also lost my job last October and haven’t been able to find meaning employment since then so I’m really struggling with my sense of self atm and losing her has just exacerbated that so much.
I have lost my soul cat and I am completely numb. I feel so alone now, especially when I am at home because she is not there next to me or curled up on my lap. It’s crazy just how quiet it is without her. I miss her so, so much.

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