So many new emotions after losing my 11yo cat

[learningtocarry]

I had never had my own pets until my brother brought home 2 beautiful cats who soon came to be under my sole care. I developed the strongest bond with one of them – her name was Nuggy. She was my absolute everything, the only thing that could cheer me up when nothing else in the world could. I don’t really have friends and I don’t have a good relationship with my family so – aside from my husband – she was my true love and my best friend and my family all in one. She was by my side every second of every day, and slept on my pillow at night. She never complained or wanted anything from me. She was truly the most perfect cat. In January this year she was diagnosed with a heart condition and I gave her daily medication. Just last week she wet herself while sitting on the couch with us so we took her to emergency. Her lungs were full of fluid and her breathing was rapid. I don’t believe the vet diagnosed her properly back in January so the meds weren’t very effective, but I am doing my best not to blame everything on them. Emergency gave her steroids which reduced the fluid, but she wasn’t drinking or eating. The next day the fluid had returned in her lungs meaning her heart wasn’t pumping blood well enough. She was only 3 days in Emergency when we made the decision to let her go and I’ve been struggling, questioning whether we should have given her more time. We had the option to insert a tube into her neck to feed her but I couldn’t handle the thought of this little baby being fed through a tube like that. We didn’t know if feeding her would help with her energy levels or if she would basically be bed-ridden because of her heart condition. The emergency vets seemed to suggest putting her down was a better option….
I can’t get the image of her face out of my mind as the euthanasia was administered. I felt so horrible then, and I feel horrible now thinking/knowing that I ended her life. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep much since then because I feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t be able to enjoy anything because she isn’t here to enjoy life. I’m afraid to ever adopt a new pet because I couldn’t bear going through this pain ever again. I also lost my job last October and haven’t been able to find meaning employment since then so I’m really struggling with my sense of self atm and losing her has just exacerbated that so much.
I have lost my soul cat and I am completely numb. I feel so alone now, especially when I am at home because she is not there next to me or curled up on my lap. It’s crazy just how quiet it is without her. I miss her so, so much.

Topic

[learningtocarry]

Hi all.
I apologise for not responding sooner, life has been kicking me while I’m down and I’m not sure how well I’m coping. I am still so broken about Nuggy’s loss, and I find myself breaking down occasionally, particularly when thinking about her. I am still harbouring a lot of guilt over putting her down… still wondering whether I could have saved her – if i should have tried harder to save her. It just feels wrong to choose whether she lives or not, and I can’t sit with the fact that I chose to end her life. Home is still so damn quiet without her and I am lonely without her constant companionship. Sometimes I think about adopting another cat just because I miss her love and cuddles but I know they will never be able to truly fill the void she left.
Before Nuggy left I was so focused on myself – trying to improve my health, my career, trying to find some sort of happiness. Now she’s gone it’s clear as day – she was my happiness. I wish I had just put everything I had into my time with her instead of constantly seeking joy and approval in others/things. I will never be the same person I was before she left. Things that mattered before simply don’t matter now. Why was I trying so hard to BE someone? To be better? Nuggy never cared how much money I had or what my body looked like. I feel so stupid. I should have appreciated her so much more when she was around 🙁
Some people say they can feel their pets still around after they have passed but I struggle to experience this which I think is making it more difficult to accept her passing. I wish I could feel her here but I guess I’m just not that kind of person, or maybe I just lack the belief and open-mindedness for that. People say that I will see her again when it’s my time to go but I just don’t believe there is anything after death so this honestly just breaks my heart more knowing I will never see her again. I have dreamed about her a few times since she left which has been slightly comforting, but going to sleep and waking up without her is still the worst part of my day.
The crematorium made things so much worse when she was returned to me because I had asked for a lock of her fur, and instead they shaved her fur off and sent it to me. I am so beyond livid. That was the only thing I had to make me feel closer to her and they completely ruined it. It barely even resembled her fur because it was just little shaved bits, you couldn’t even tell her colours apart. It makes me so angry that someone thought that was acceptable.
Idk. Maybe I just need to give it more time. But I keep seeing things in the corner of my eye and hoping that it’s her but it just turns out to be a white pair of shoes or something and I’m reminded that she isn’t here anymore because of me.

[VMToby]

Dear Learningtocarry,

I was so saddened to learn about the loss of your beautiful cherished cat Nuggy who was part of your life for eleven years.
The love and loyalty that our pets give us is so unconditional and in many ways we do not realise how much until they are not with us.
Nuggy had the most wonderful life with you and your Family,how fortunate was she.
The adjustment without her is real and will take time to work through and learn to live with, in particular because in the end everything happened so quickly.

One of the hardest roles we may have to play in our pet’s life is the decision to put them asleep because their quality of life is not as they deserve.
The feelings you have are normal as Nuggy became so unwell so quickly and a decision had to be made then.
Remember the vet suggested it also and they very much have the animals welfare in mind always.
I know you did not want Nuggy to suffer in anyway and that is why sometimes the hardest decision is the right one.

Please take care of yourself as you learn to live without Nuggy.
Call griefline when you are up to talking about the loss of Nuggy or look at their online resources about petloss and self care.
It is important you took after yourself too.

[VM-Blizzy]

Dear learningtocarry,

So deeply sorry that you have lost your best friend. You say that you never had pets before having Nuggy and took her in. Sounds like you are a very loving and caring person. Nuggy was your safe place and gave you a lot of comfort and joy. She loved you completely and sounds like you both really had a beautiful connection. The love you had for her will never go away.
You say you feel guilty. Know that you did not let her down but instead saved her from suffering. Even when she got sick you helped giver her daily medication and did everything the vet told you to do. When you saw something wasn’t right you took her straight to emergency and were attentive and responded to her needs. She fell asleep while with you feeling safe and loved.
Now you are not only grieving the loss of your job, but also the loss of your cat, which would be overwhelming and very painful to the extent that you are feeling numb and struggling with your sense of self. Since you are at home alone, and she used to be your companion, it is extra quiet at home without her.

Wondering what you can do right now to care for yourself? You say you are unable to eat or sleep well. Prioritising self care, like getting up every day, making a healthy breakfast to start off, setting yourself a daily task like a walk in the park, and spending time with family and friends and having a night routine before sleeping can help.

Here are a couple of resources on grieving a pet and hope it helps. https://griefline.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/Griefline-Losing-a-Pet-Fact-Sheet-EN.pdf and https://griefline.org.au/resources/losing-a-pet/

We are also here at Griefline helpline if you would like to connect and chat with a caring volunteer. Please reach out on 1300 845 745. We are open from 9-6pm Mon-Fri and 12-6pm Sat-Sun AEST.

Take care.

[vmmaggie]

So sorry to read about the loss of your much adored cat Nuggy…a faithful companion whose declining health was managed by you in such an amazing way…
It seems that valiant efforts of yours and others could not restore Nuggy’s condition and further interventions would have actually prolonged a sense of suffering and discomfort rather than improve.
Hopefully you have photos (may be beside the occasionally lit candle) of Nuggy and the happy memories.
Where ever Nuggy is in that timeless land no doubt is thinking ‘how lucky I was to have someone like you’

[Author]

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