Seeking a mum who lost a daughter around 19💜

[MelC1212]

My name is Mel, I’ve only recently discovered this website when I was taken to hospital during a breakdown.
I lost my gorgeous baby girl Shanya she was only 19 and she was killed two days after sisters 22nd birthday. Shanya’s birthday is the 11th of December and mine is the 12th of December. My mum’s is the 22nd of December then we have Christmas and then my dad’s birthday the 7th of February and we just started to get to a good place and then Easter comes and then mother’s Day and then you just start getting good again and my daughter’s birthday comes up she’ll be 26 this year and 2 days later the anniversary of gorgeous girl stolen I’ve been so num up and down more Downs than ups I rarely get out of bed.
Recently I’ve struggled very badly even to the point where I am thinking I’m dreaming but in fact I’m actually doing it. I hear voices talking to me I’m telling me to do things and I do them still thinking it’s the dream. I finally realised that I wasn’t dreaming I was actually doing these things people said and I’ve never in my life felt so lost from reality. I nearly died last week I actually was going to take my life but I had the strength not too because I still have a gorgeous 25-year-old young lady who I am so proud of. My breakdown started because I broke Shanya’s lava lamp. It didn’t even work when you plugged again but I was going to see if my dad could fix it because I wanted to keep it, I can’t seem to let go of any of her belongings. But when that lava lamp first shattered to 1000 pieces so did I. I have a medical condition and I live with chronic disabling pain and I’m on a lot of medication and I just stop taking all of it. I don’t know how but I managed to get a call out to my neighbour and my friend a bagging them for help I was about to choke on my own vomit I’m not taking my medications I was withdrawing badly. So far the only good thing to come from my recent breakdown is on no longer on very heavy painkillers I’m suffering but I’m lucid now and I’m starting to remember things that as I said I thought we’re dreams I didn’t fact I actually did them. I had finally lost touch with reality and I was living in my own head believing everything I was seeing and doing was right. I know my daughter wouldn’t want to see me like this I think she would be mad at me play the same time I think she would be kind of happy because I’m so miserable and lost without her she was my rock and I hers. She was studying uni up at Bathurst and I live in North Richmond and I spoke with my oldest daughter Kymbalyn about me moving to Bathurst and her boyfriend could stay in my home and rent it from me and I was getting a place up there and my oldest loved the idea. I didn’t even get the full settings out before my gorgeous baby girl Shanya was screaming as loud as she could yes yes yes you’re moving to Bathurst I’m going to live with Mummy again.
We had the next a ears all sorted out I’m not even halfway through those 8 years and I think said I’ve convinced myself that I’m not going to get any better until that 8th year comes and goes. I just want to talk with another mum has lost a daughter have similar age of to mine. Though at this point I just really do need to speak to another mum who has two daughters and one is no longer with us.
I keep going over in my head everything I did growing up what was it that I did so wrong for this to happen to my daughter. It’s always just being the three of us and we were all inseparable. My girls told me everything my eldest still does. I know a lot of Mum say that that I am very serious. When they lost their virginity they both came to me to tell me, they were so excited. Yeah ironically enough Shanya was determined to wait till she was married and I took two out of it. I begged her to find her way and experience life and different men because they’re all different. Well when she did finally lose it it was at her year 12 formal after party I would somehow was at my home. There were four after parties that night and it turned into just one big night at my home. Whole class of year 12 we’re in my home. That was the night that my daughter first experience sex. After they snuggled for a little while she came racing into my room wake me up in told me. I didn’t ask questions I just let her do all the talking but in my mind I was saying I thank you thank you! Because in light of what is happened if you didn’t do it that night she would never have known what it’s like to have that kind of relationship. Losing a child is extremely hard I’m literally still 1000 pieces. And everytime I see my oldest daughter I see my gorgeous Shanya. The three of us all of the same we are the same size clothes shoes and we borrow it each other things all the time.
My eldest moved out about 5 months ago and I should but she wasn’t going to leave because it me she was staying because she was looking after me literally bringing me dinner in bed to make sure I ate. I was nowhere near the mother my daughter had become Mum and I had become somebody I hope I never recognise ever again.
I apologise for the long Post but I figure someone in this group must have lost close to the age of my daughter and probably under the same circumstances.
To know what you’re getting yourself into before you decide you want to be I counsellors to each

Topic

[debsayge]

Dearest Mel,
I am still here and hoping to be in touch with you soon….
Holding you close
And much love Debxx

[Moon]

by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.
Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
But please, just sit beside me.
Say nothing.
Do not offer a cure.
Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don’t turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
And I will try to be gentle with me too.
I will not ever “get over” my child’s death so please don’t urge me down that path.
Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn’t standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface.
There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child’s absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.
Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.
My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I’m finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life’s suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I’ve learned, which are simply unanswerable.
So please don’t tell me that “ God has a plan ” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.
As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child’s absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said.
My child may have died; but my love – and my motherhood – never will.

[debsayge]

Dearest Mel
Sending you loving thoughts and hugs, hoping to talk with you soon
Here! We all understand the unbearable pain and are holding each other, my beautiful girl is barely 19 too, I feel your heartache immensely it’s horribly crushing every minute,
Love to you all ways
XxDeb

[debsayge]

Dearest Mel,
Still trying to reach out to you, in the hope that your reading and just to let you know you are not forgotten, that I would love to hug you and tell you your not alone in your unbearable pain
Loving hugs dear Mumma
XxDeb

[Moon]

Thoughts with you xx

[debsayge]

Dearest Mel
Hello I have just found this site today! I have not been able to speak or writs a word of what I’ve been through at anytime or anywhere!!and today I was compelled to reach out to you as I am the broken-hearted Mumma of my 19 2mths 1day precious daughter Sayge, I don’t know how to live without her Mel, I lost my girl 15/1/21 and am in the most Saddest disbelief ever since, a lot of what your speaking of I can feel, I’m not sure how open I can get about me just now but perhaps if you want to keep talking I may, I really just felt a deep! need to let you know I see and hear you and I’m here!! completely lost and alone too, no idea how to even move without my girl by my side, we are inseparable ……….as I too have been desperately praying(I do that now) for another Mumma like me to share with.
So dear Mel my very first words! Are for you
Much love Debxx

[VM-Claire]

Dear @MelC1212
I am so sad to hear about the loss of your beloved daughter. I’ve experienced great loss myself but not of a child, and as a mother I can only imagine the intense pain that would cause.
It sounds like you’re being incredibly strong for your oldest daughter, despite everything you’re going through. It’s wonderful that you’re there for each other.
I’m sorry you experienced a breakdown and I’m glad you were able to find help at the hospital. How are you feeling now?
I hope you’ve found other people who can relate to your loss and support you.
Take care

[jbrennan]

Dear @MelC1212,
I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I understand your pain, as I recently lost my daughter as well. I couldn’t feel any movement day before Christmas Eve so I went to the hospital, only to be told after three different scans that they couldn’t find a heart beat. She was almost 28 weeks and she was my first child. I gave birth to her day after Boxing day and going through all that, only to know she isn’t alive, was the most excruciating pain I will ever feel. What cam be worse than that is hearing and seeing my mother hold her in her arms and cry. Something I will need a long time to recover from.
Best advice I was given was to take each day at time, and that is something I am working on.

[Moon]

Hi there, I just joined this forum, I’m a mum of 19yr old twins, my story is under “buried my son on xmas eve” xxx

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @MelC1212, welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you for the tragic loss of your beautiful daughter Shanya. We are glad you are here – whilst we can’t be sure there is / are members in our community who have had a similar loss or are ready to share their experience, we are certain there are many members of the community who understand the extreme anguish, regret and confusion that grief brings following the loss of someone we loved so desperately.

First and foremost, we hope that you are receiving regular professional medical care following your breakdown. Especially seeing you have recently been hearing voices and feeling as though you are in a ‘dreamlike’ state, but have decided to reduce your meds. Our forums are not equipped to guide you in this regard. Please keep in regular contact with your GP. The most important thing right now is your health and safety,so we urge you to make use of the health professionals available to you.

But when it comes to the rollercoaster ride of emotions that grief and loss brings – heartache, anger, confusion, guilt …the members of this community can relate. And we hope that you receive the support and understanding you deserve in response to your post. ❤️

You mention that you keep going over what you did wrong for this to happen. You are not alone in feeling guilty…guilt is a very common experience in grief and in most cases, like yours its most likely that there is absolutely nothing you did wrong, nor could have changed. The reason for the guilt is that we’d rather feel guilty than hopeless… our mind needs something to latch on to – something we can control.

You also mention seeing Shanya in your other daughter which may be heightening the pain when you are around her. Though we often shy away from triggers, they can be useful as we come to understand and navigate our grief. Grief expert David Kessler says triggers are ‘a map of our grief’ – telling us where the pain lives, and therefore pinpointing where the healing can take place. Your grief is unique to you, so try taking note of what’s going on in your body when you experience these triggers…are you light-headed, nauseous, rapid heartbeat? And what thoughts are you having …writing these reflections down in a grief journal can also be helpful. Over time you’ll come to recognise and understand your grief response and find ways to manage it.

You also talk about how your daughter would feel mad to see you like this and yet happy that you are lost without her – it sounds like such a confusing place to be. So we wonder whether allowing yourself to talk to Shanya would be therapeutic …and give you some answers? This is part of the ‘Continuing Bonds’ coping strategy and you can find some guidance around this in the ‘Coping With Grief’ article here on our Resource Hub;

Coping with Grief

Perhaps you could allow yourself to talk to her and listen to her – share your sorrow and confusion… write her a letter and ask for her advice on getting through this.

@MelC1212, we know what you are going through feels insurmountable, but it is clear that you adore your oldest daughter and she adores you too. Lean on each other and any other understanding friends or family as you get through each day. Over time we believe you can find your hope again.

Keep posting, we are here for you as you navigate the light and dark of your grief journey. 🌸

[Author]

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