Overwhelming Guilt and Regret

[Cassie5]

I met my cat, let’s call him L, when I was 14. He was a stray living on my friend’s neighbour’s property. I connected with him straight away. He was very timid, but he seemed very comfortable around me. He would sit on my lap and stare up at me, and when it came time for me to go home, he would chase me to the driveway and watch the car pull away. After a few visits, my mother and the owners of the property agreed for me to take him home.

L was such a sweet cat. He was very small, especially considering that he was a stray, but he had the heart of a lion. He was so protective of me. If someone knocked on the door when I was home alone, he would growl. L spent a lot of time with me, curled up on my bed or on my lap. I adopted a dog when I was 20 years old, but we all still got along well. Me, the dog and L would all curl up on my bed together. I would tell my friends and my partner at the time that I couldn’t wait to move out of home one day, and how L and my dog would come with me.

When I was 24, I adopted another puppy. She was a lot of work, and she took up a lot of my time. Despite my training, she was not good with cats. She was never a threat, but she chased them, annoyed them, and wouldn’t let them relax. I considered returning her back to the rescue, but my mum and I had already bonded with her, so we kept her.

We had to keep the puppy and L separated. While L had the option to roam the house, he didn’t feel comfortable and spent most of his time in one room that was gated off from the dog. Over time, I stopped interacting with him as much. I was so distracted with my dogs, who became my whole world.

Now, I’m 27, and my partner and I moved into our first home a few weeks ago. I was excited to move out of home for the first time. I was taking my two dogs with me, and I was excited for L and the other cats at my mum’s house to finally enjoy having the freedom to roam the house as they used to, without being pestered by my dog.

The day I got my keys, L got sick. He declined very fast, and we had to make the decision to put him to sleep. We said goodbye yesterday. I have been wracked with guilt and regret. Looking at photos, I had almost forgotten how close L and I were. I had forgotten how I would dream of moving out of home and bringing L with me. I don’t know what happened. I feel so terrible that I could let our bond disappear. For the past couple of years, I had given him barely any attention. He was still taken care of; he had multiple warm beds and was fed twice a day, but I couldn’t tell you the last time he curled up on my lap like he used to before he got sick. I can’t help but feel he got sick because I didn’t take him with me like I had promised. I just feel so much guilt and regret that I didn’t continue to give him the love, care and attention that he deserved his whole life. I would give anything to be able to go back and keep our bond as strong as it was, to dedicate time and effort into showing him how loved he was every day. To have him sleep on my bed and on my lap again. I took him for granted and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that.

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