My only adult/child estranged.

[marie]

My beautiful happy-go-lucky boy, started to unravel at puberty, he struggled the last 2 years of school throwing his education away, he then had a girlfriend who got breast cancer, and then lost a friend to blood cancer. My son then was a victim of crime King Hit/or Coward Punched one night in the city, falling and hitting his head on the footpath and ending in hospital. From there he has been smoking weed, and at 1 point became a gym junkie taking steroids. His behaviors escalated, and his father and I lived in chaos, we took a mortgage on a small place for my son to live as being at home was not tenable anymore. My son didn’t last long there and returned home, we kept the house for 2 years, my son then stated we are to sell his place as he needs money – he doesn’t work and is not on any Gov support (he’s now nearly 27). Two months ago he left home to live in a van, and since we gave him the house sale proceeds, he hasn’t answered our calls or texts – blocking us.
As you can imagine his father and I are gutted and have soul-searched on where we went wrong, and realize we should have got our son into therapy when he was acting out at 15. I can’t stop crying, it is a double whammy for me as my only sibling is estranged 20 years next year from her entire family, and I dread my son will do the same. I only want my son to text every few weeks to say he is ok – we have no idea where he is. I’m certain he struggles with mental illness exacerbated by loss, head trauma, and drugs, he is a vulnerable lost soul – I’m heartbroken he has cut us off and scared of what will become of him.

Topic

[VM_ddd]

Hi Marie,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, it takes great courage to do so.

I have no doubt that you and your husband have done everything you could for your son with the resources you had, beyond giving him the most precious gift of all: life. Even though I am not a mother myself, I have deep admiration for parents who devote so much of themselves for the sake of their children, and I am certain that you both have given him so much love and care.

I can’t imagine how painful it must be to be out of touch with your son, and while I don’t have the right words to ease that pain, please know that I hear you and I feel your heartache. Parenting is one of the most significant roles in life, and you have given it your all. I truly hope you can find peace in knowing that you did your best and allow yourself to let go of any feelings of guilt. You deserve kindness, not only as a mother but as a person who has shown incredible strength and vulnerability in sharing your story.

Be gentle with yourself, you are not alone.

[marie]

Thank you – after hearing from others that my son is in Asia, and not responding to us even at Christmas, I have found the Buddhism philosophies are helping. I will look into ACT tho.
Thanks again.

[VM_chooky]

Hi Marie,

I wanted to reach out to you to let you know by the sounds of all you have bravely shared with us here, that you have been a top-tier supportive Mother who has done everything you can to set up your son for life. It can be so confusing and disheartening when you see someone you know inextricably inside and out become so lost in their journey. Im sure your supports have told you this a dozen times but just in case you needed to hear it again today you have done all that you can and I hope that there will be the resolution for you, whether that’s in some form of communication or seeking help for yourself.

Wishing you strength and support

• This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by onlinecommunity.

[marie]

Thank you for your words of support.
Marie

[Moon]

Hi Marie, I just wanted to say hello, as a fellow parent missing and wondering about their estranged son, our stories feel very familiar. I’ve hesitated talking about it for fear of being judged, that I must have failed as a parent somehow, so thank you for sharing your heartache. I contacted griefline when my youngest son passed away from blood cancer, oh my it will be 3 yrs next month, and now (insert swear word) I’ve got breast cancer. My eldest son (27) was 14 when his brother was diagnosed with cancer and I guess that was when he started to derail. He had all the support in the world but ended up choosing escapism instead. Didn’t return his brothers calls when he was dying, did not even attend his funeral.
We reconnected via an old friend last year, he wanted to move back home as his situation was unstable and in a toxic relationship, so of course I welcomed him with open arms and heart, we’d always been so close I was so happy. But when I pointed out how his gf was stealing from me, he disappeared again and no news since. Half of me wants to try and track him down again, but the other half tells me it’s not up to me now, I’ve done everything I possibly could to support him. Waiting by the phone is something I just cannot do anymore.
Your son is old enough to seek support if he really wants, but probably too ashamed to reach out to you again at this time. I hope that he will soon, as I do mine xxx

[VM-EmKi]

Hi Marie,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can only imagine the heartbreak you feel after all that you and your family have been through over the years.

I’m sorry to hear that your son in particular has faced such loss and trauma, and hasn’t been able to find healthy ways to cope with it all.

As VM-Bodie said, it’s normal to doubt and wonder how things could have been different. There are endless ways to ruminate on what you could or should have done. But I hope that you can also recognise all that you have done. It sounds like your son has had you and his father by his side, providing support through all he has been through. And even now, after everything, I can sense that you are both waiting with open arms, hoping he makes contact with you again. Although he is unreceptive right now, I can imagine it would feel comforting to know that his parents are there for him with unconditional love and support to give should he wish to reach out.

I can imagine the anxiety and fear you’re experiencing about your son’s future, especially after the experience you had with your sister. Griefline and our volunteers are available for you to reach out to if you would like to talk about these feelings more.

Take care

[VM-Bodie]

Hi Marie,

Thanks for your post and for reaching out to Griefline.

From what you have written I can sense that you are wondering what is next for your relationship with your son, and your son’s wellbeing. You speak of your own lived experience of having a family member estranged from you the heartache that has caused, and your fears that this could repeat with your son. These are challenging emotions to navigate and I wonder if you have any supports that you can access? Sometimes speaking to someone who is removed from the situation can be helpful to provide a different perspective.

You and your husband have tried to provide your son with opportunities and financial support throughout his life. While these doubts on what you could have done differently are natural to emerge, it is important to also remember what you have done. People have free will and may decide to do things that don’t make much sense to us at the time, but given time and space answers can start to emerge.

Here is the helpline number if you wish to speak to one of our trained volunteers: 1300 845 745 (8AM – 8PM, 7 days, AEST)

Cheers,

[Author]

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