Missing my boy

[ataloss]

I lost my baby boy on Christmas day. He had congenital heart disease and his legs became paralysed from throwing a blood clot. I had to make the decision to let him go because the vet said it wasn’t looking good. I keep asking myself what if he had been on stronger medication, what if I’d given him more time to possibly recover. He was only 4 years old and he was my world. I can’t stop crying. I just wish I could have one more day with him. I keep feeling like this is some horrible nightmare and I just want to wake up. I know he’s “just a cat” but he saved my life and I loved him more than anything and I was the one that told the vet to kill him and I had to hold him as his heart stopped and I feel like I betrayed him and he didn’t know what was happening. He was my little man

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[VS_Luna]

Hi @ataloss,

Thank you for sharing your story about your baby boy. By reading your story I feel like your cat was very special to you and you two had an incredible connection with each other. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how devastating it might be for you to find out about congenital heart disease, something that you surely wouldn’t think of before. Hearing the news about your boy is like thunder that splitting your world apart. You saying that it feels like “horrible nightmare” and I guess it is the best description to give to these circumstances.

I believe that your boy is not just a cat and that your little man means a world to you. I also believe that these types of decision are the hardest to make and the regrets you’re having is a natural reaction for you as a human. I feel like whatever you decided to do at this point when vet said the bad news you would always doubt your decision because you truly love your baby boy and you wishing him best. And these doubts and regrets are only showing how deep your love is and how caring you are for your baby boy. The flip side of grief is love and anger, denial, bargaining are the stages of your grief.

I wish you to be kind to yourself and take one day at the time during this challenging time of your life. I strongly believe that this stage of bargaining and self-doubts will pass with the time while your psyche needs to process all the devastating events that just happened.

I want you to know that you can call the helpline at Griefline on 1300 845 745 (available 8 am to 8 pm, 7 days a week) or book a call to speak to a trained volunteer to talk about all that you need to! We’re here to listen and support you. Also, I know that your emotions worsen at night, in which case Lifeline is a 24 hour support line that you can call at 13 11 14 whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions.

Take care and be gentle with yourself.

[ataloss]

Hi @VS_Luna Thank you for your reply and support. I knew he had heart disease (I found out a year ago) but I thought he would have more time. And I thought it would be more of a slow decline, but it all happened in the span of a few hours. He was fine then he wasn’t and then he was dead. It doesn’t feel real. I wish I’d waited or taken him for another check up earlier. I didn’t want to stress him though he got so anxious at the vets. I managed to make it through today without crying until this evening where I broke down again. I just want to hit undo but I can’t and it sucks. I just want him back, it’s not the grief that bothers me so much as just wanting him to come back 🙁

[vrmaggie]

Hi @Ataloss

I hope the days are becoming a little easier although the loss of your boy is still raw.

From your post it is clear that despite your boy having been diagnosed with a congenital heart defect, you expected him to have a slow decline and to have more time together. Sadly, this was not to be the case and instead you were faced with a sudden and completely unexpected deterioration within a matter of hours. And on Christmas Day of all days 🙁 The grief you have been experiencing and the ‘unreality’ of it all, that make you feel like ‘I just want to wake up … and have one more day with him’ are because of the shock and needing to make a sudden decision. You may wish to look at our resources around acute grief to get a deeper understanding.

The Different Types of Grief

As a cat lover and past cat owner, I’d like to share with you that I also made a decision to have my beautiful boy euthanized when he suddenly became ill and within 2 hours was struggling to move or breath. He was diagnosed with the wet form of FIP, a terminal cat virus. He was only 3 years old. I needed to make made a quick decision like you and he passed peacefully in my arms. Like you I was devastated and could not stop crying for weeks, acute grief.

I consider it one of the hardest, bravest and most humane things I’ve ever done.

I believe that it is also one of the hardest, bravest and most humane things you’ve ever done. Your beautiful boy had a paralyzed leg, blood clot and congenital heart disease. Your vet was very honest with you about the prognosis. If medication could have helped, your vet would have proposed it. Your vet would have weighed up quality of life and extension of life possibility before telling you the prognosis. You bravely drew upon your resilience, and instinctive knowledge to end your boys suffering. That is love.

As Luna said, please take care and be gentle with yourself.

[ataloss]

Thank you for your kind words @vrmaggie. The days are getting easier, getting back into work after the holidays has helped a lot. I carry a part of him with me in a necklace all the time now, and that helps as well.

Thank you for sharing about your beautiful boy, I’m so sorry you had to say goodbye so suddenly and when he was so young as well. FIP sounds horrible, it sounds like you did the best thing for your little one.

[vrmaggie]

Hi @Ataloss,

It’s great to hear that the days are getting easier, and you are keeping busy. Your necklace idea and continuing bond with your boy is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

[VM-Apples23]

Hi @ataloss

I am so glad to hear you have found a way to commemorate your boy, through something as beautiful and close to your heart (literally) as wearing a necklace. Pet grief is valid, in no way was he ‘just a cat’. Pets can be critically important members of our lives. I appreciate your strength through hardship in letting him go, noting his prognosis. Continue on in maintaining his memory, and please feel free to reengage with Griefline should you like to have a chat.

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