Lost my dad yesterday

[carolinedeg]

Lost my dad yesterday. I feel sick and sad and guilty. It feels not real and awful. I was very close to him. My mum is still alive. They were married 65 years. He got an infection 4/10 and as per discussions, my mum and I (who were nominated medical treatment advisers) decided not to allow antibiotics. So I’m of course questioning that decision. Even though my dad had said he was in pain from cancer and struggling physically and was wanting the end to come. And also my dad wanted to die at home. And I pushed so hard for it to happen but my brother and sister talked my mum out of allowing this and I’m full of guilt that I didn’t push harder and anger at my siblings for stopping me. He died at caritas Christie so not horrible but not home. I love my dad so much. I’m going to miss him so much. It’s just the worse.

Is anyone out there going through a similar pain?

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[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Dear carolinedeg,

I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I can only imagine how difficult that must be, especially since you were very close. I haven’t experienced a similar loss of that magnitude recently, but I am listening. I think its very understandable that yourself and your mum decided not to allow antibiotics given that he was suffering with pain.

It is very normal to doubt decisions that you’ve made in a circumstance like this, and be quite self-critical, which can give rise to a lot of guilt as well. But you can only make the best decision possible at the time. It sounds to me like you were very strong in making a very difficult decision about the antibiotics and were considering your dads wishes and the fact that he was suffering.

I understand that it’s really early on in your grief journey right now, and that this loss of is a very large magnitude. But perhaps in time you could start to consider ways that you might continue the bond with your father. Within grief and loss work this is considered to be very healthy. You can continue the bond in any way that helps you feel connected to him. Some people do things like having a display of photographs, cooking recipies that their loved one like, listening to music you enjoyed together, or visiting places that you enjoyed together. It is also important to look after yourself as best that you can. Please treat yourself with kindness.

I hope that you have someone to support you and to talk to. You are welcome to call Griefline’s Helpline on 1300 845 745 (8am – 8pm, 7 Days (AEDT)) for a supportive conversation. You may also find some articles on our website helpful. One such article is called ‘Coping with Grief’ and can be accessed here: https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-grief/

Please feel free to continue to engage with the online forums, and look after yourself. We are here listening to you.

[carolinedeg]

Thank you. I might do. I’m trying to get through atm.

[VM-bluesky]

Hi Caroline, I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you did everything that was within your control to accede to your dad’s wishes, but the actions of others were outside of your control. It is so early in your grief journey, and unreality is a common initial feeling. Please continue to interact with Griefline, and consider talking to an understanding volunteer on 1300 845 745.

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