Lost my dad yesterday

[carolinedeg]

Lost my dad yesterday. I feel sick and sad and guilty. It feels not real and awful. I was very close to him. My mum is still alive. They were married 65 years. He got an infection 4/10 and as per discussions, my mum and I (who were nominated medical treatment advisers) decided not to allow antibiotics. So I’m of course questioning that decision. Even though my dad had said he was in pain from cancer and struggling physically and was wanting the end to come. And also my dad wanted to die at home. And I pushed so hard for it to happen but my brother and sister talked my mum out of allowing this and I’m full of guilt that I didn’t push harder and anger at my siblings for stopping me. He died at caritas Christie so not horrible but not home. I love my dad so much. I’m going to miss him so much. It’s just the worse.

Is anyone out there going through a similar pain?

Topic

[carolinedeg]

Now 3 weeks and 1 day since I lost my dad. I’m feeling like I need to be working and getting back to how I was. Sometimes I forget and manage it. I returned to work for couple of days then got annoyed with my manager and stormed out of a meeting. I’m thinking I need a job where I’m more involved with helping people. Maybe I might want to be there. I keep seeing my dad in my thoughts and feeling sad. It’s like what everyone says, it gets easier to manage but you never really get over them.

[VM-flowerbear07]

Hi @carolinedeg,

One week since your dad’s passing (two now) is a really short time, though I am sure to you it feels like the longest time. I wonder how you have gone getting back to work. You mentioned that you backed out of going back after one week of him passing away as you were not okay – a normal grief reaction. It is important that you give yourself time to adjust. There is no timeframe with this – everyone is different. You mentioned feeling guilty that you didn’t push harder for him to come to rest at home and questioned if not giving your dad antibiotics was the right thing to do. It’s very natural to question our decision making when it comes to end-of-life care, especially when the person means so much to us. It sounds like he was ready to go. Trust in your own decisions and know that those were made out of love. Keep reaching out Caroline

[carolinedeg]

It is now 1 week since my dad’s death. I’m not crying all day but I’m in a dream like stage where it doesn’t feel real. I was going to go back to work today but backed out at the last minute, because although I am calm, I feel like I’m not ok. I need to make it feel real. But I don’t know how. I am looking up who else has died recently to see if he’s in good company. His loss has made me feel less.

[VM_astan]

Hi carolinedeg,

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your father, I can see from your post how much he meant to you and can appreciate how hard this time must be. The care of a loved one can be a lot to take on and so feelings of guilt accompanying grief can be common. As others have mentioned it is clear how much you cared about your dad and even clearer that you wanted what was best for him. You considered the wishes of others in a very difficult time and controlled all that you could control. Please don’t hesitate to give us a call on 1300 845 745 if you need a bit of extra support. Take care.

[VM-angel33]

Hi @carolinedeg
Thank you for reaching out on our forums. I am truly so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did all that you can and took the steps to ensure he was pain free and comfortable.
Guilt can be a common grief reaction, but please know you did nothing wrong.
Please take care and go easy on yourself, the first few days of grief are so difficult.

If you feel comfortable to speak to someone, our helpline is available 8am – 8pm, 7 Days a week on 1300 845 745.

[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Dear carolinedeg,

I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I can only imagine how difficult that must be, especially since you were very close. I haven’t experienced a similar loss of that magnitude recently, but I am listening. I think its very understandable that yourself and your mum decided not to allow antibiotics given that he was suffering with pain.

It is very normal to doubt decisions that you’ve made in a circumstance like this, and be quite self-critical, which can give rise to a lot of guilt as well. But you can only make the best decision possible at the time. It sounds to me like you were very strong in making a very difficult decision about the antibiotics and were considering your dads wishes and the fact that he was suffering.

I understand that it’s really early on in your grief journey right now, and that this loss of is a very large magnitude. But perhaps in time you could start to consider ways that you might continue the bond with your father. Within grief and loss work this is considered to be very healthy. You can continue the bond in any way that helps you feel connected to him. Some people do things like having a display of photographs, cooking recipies that their loved one like, listening to music you enjoyed together, or visiting places that you enjoyed together. It is also important to look after yourself as best that you can. Please treat yourself with kindness.

I hope that you have someone to support you and to talk to. You are welcome to call Griefline’s Helpline on 1300 845 745 (8am – 8pm, 7 Days (AEDT)) for a supportive conversation. You may also find some articles on our website helpful. One such article is called ‘Coping with Grief’ and can be accessed here: https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-grief/

Please feel free to continue to engage with the online forums, and look after yourself. We are here listening to you.

[carolinedeg]

Thank you. I might do. I’m trying to get through atm.

[VM-bluesky]

Hi Caroline, I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you did everything that was within your control to accede to your dad’s wishes, but the actions of others were outside of your control. It is so early in your grief journey, and unreality is a common initial feeling. Please continue to interact with Griefline, and consider talking to an understanding volunteer on 1300 845 745.

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