Lost my dad yesterday

[carolinedeg]

Lost my dad yesterday. I feel sick and sad and guilty. It feels not real and awful. I was very close to him. My mum is still alive. They were married 65 years. He got an infection 4/10 and as per discussions, my mum and I (who were nominated medical treatment advisers) decided not to allow antibiotics. So I’m of course questioning that decision. Even though my dad had said he was in pain from cancer and struggling physically and was wanting the end to come. And also my dad wanted to die at home. And I pushed so hard for it to happen but my brother and sister talked my mum out of allowing this and I’m full of guilt that I didn’t push harder and anger at my siblings for stopping me. He died at caritas Christie so not horrible but not home. I love my dad so much. I’m going to miss him so much. It’s just the worse.

Is anyone out there going through a similar pain?

Topic

[VM-winter]

@carolinedeg
I get it about your siblings, I’ve been there. It is so frustrating when they want you to ‘get over it’ and they don’t understand the pain you are feeling. People who are close to you are supposed to ‘get it’, but sometimes they don’t. You had a special bond with your Dad and not having your grief respected by your siblings is very hard. Sometimes grief comes out as anger and other big feelings, and that’s ok. You can’t change them or your feelings, and right now the most important thing is for you to respect your grief and not worry about others. Please make sure that you are making time for some self care and just looking after yourself. Keep reaching out to the forums, someone will always be here for you.

[carolinedeg]

@leanneam I am sorry also you are going through such pain. I am probably not a good person for advice as I am not through the darkest part yet. I am still feeling of nothing. But know you are not alone. We will try and get through it.

[VM-Kenny]

Hi @leanneam, I’m so sorry to hear of your dad’s passing a few days ago. In just your short message, I can hear how deeply it must hurt to lose him, and how difficult those moments towards the end of his life were for you both. It sounds like he holds such a special place in your heart, and I can only imagine he felt such a deep and caring love from you throughout his life. It takes real courage to reach out and share what you have here, so thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us. That feeling that you won’t ever recover is such a normal experience at this stage of grief, and although it may not feel like it right now, it’s very normal for that feeling to change over time as well. Right now though, in the immediate days after a loss, it can be an immensely painful experience to be with. Do you have friends or family who you can be around at this stage? Having loved ones around us can make a world of difference when we’re in this kind of pain.

You mentioned you couldn’t share your story when you originally posted, but please know that this community is here for you if you would like to share in the future, and the helpline for Griefline (1300 845 745) is available 8am – 8pm (AEDT). There are also resources on the Griefline website that might prove useful, such as: https://griefline.org.au/resources/when-a-loved-one-dies-guide-to-coping-with-grief-loss/

Please take care and look after yourself as best you can. These moments after a loss can be difficult, and as you navigate the loss of your dad, I hope you can be compassionate and kind with yourself when those difficult moments come too. Reach out any time.

[leanneam]

Carol I’m so sorry i lost my dad yesterday as well and don’t feel I’ll ever recover. He was in incredible pain, couldn’t breathe and was terrified and delusional at the end. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t post my story now but will read the responses to yours. X

[VM-flowerbear07]

What would normally likely be a fun occasion (your birthday) can feel particularly difficult when experiencing them without the people we love. Significant days, as well as anniversaries, can heighten these feelings. This is your first birthday without your Dad; I can see you miss him so much. It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently – your siblings may feel you’re “carrying on too much”, which is hurtful, especially given it is still so soon following your beloved Dad’s passing, but ultimately how all of you grieve is a personal process. Gently remind yourself it is okay to go your own way with this, no explanations needed. The bond you had with your dad is clear. It must feel frustrating to know that your siblings didn’t seem to share that on the same level as you did with him, but take comfort knowing that you spent all of that time with him in his final weeks. You were by his side to comfort and care for him. You shared that bond with him. Nothing can take that away from you. I hope you are able to find some peace on your birthday

[carolinedeg]

It’s now 5 weeks since I lost my dad and today is my first birthday without my dad. I’m not in a good place. I’ve had a full break up with my siblings because they think I’m carrying on too much. I don’t even know why they think that because I haven’t spoken to any of them since before dad died. I can only assume because I talk to my mum and talk about my grief to my mum who is obviously also grieving and misses my dad so much. I did (still do!) a lot for my parents and helped them a lot more than my siblings, with things such as cleaning their house, bringing them meals, popping in every few days to enjoy their company etc. In the final weeks I sat with my dad every day in hospital. I’m glad I did and I’d do anything to see him alive again. But now my siblings are telling me to “get a grip” and they are supporting mum and it makes me so mad because they didn’t support my dad. My dad said “everyone supports mum but what about me” and it makes me feel so sad he felt that way and angry that they didn’t care. I just want the world to swallow me up.

[VM-winter]

Hi carolinedeg
I am so sad for you losing your dad. It sounds like you were really close and that you are struggling. Each milestone and reminder can be so painful. Your sense that ‘nothing sits right’ is very normal and everyone’s journey in adjusting to loss is different. Dealing with the idea of not seeing him again is very hard and so pretending it’s not real can be a way of trying to cope, but you’ve accepted in your hear that it is real and that hurts. Be gentle with yourself, this kind of pain is difficult to deal with. One important thing you can do for yourself is to make time for self-care. If you haven’t found it already, there are some resources for self care at https://griefline.org.au/resources/east-self-care-guide/ Sometimes talking through what you are feeling can help. If you feel like talking, you can reach out to Grieline on 1300 845 745 8am to 8pm 7 days a week.

[Satwinder Kaur]

Hi Caroline,

I am truly sorry for the loss of your dad. It’s understandable to feel a whirlwind of emotions right now — sadness, guilt, disbelief, and even anger. These feelings are all normal responses to losing someone so deeply loved. Grief can be overwhelming, bringing many emotions to the surface all at once.
The dreamy, surreal state you’re experiencing is part of the grief process. Four weeks is still quite fresh after such a significant loss, and it’s okay to feel like your mind is struggling to catch up with your heart. Remember, healing isn’t a race, and it’s absolutely okay to take your time.
Navigating work while grieving can be particularly challenging. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed or irritable during this time; these emotions are reflections of your pain, not of personal failure. Grief often invites us to reflect on what truly matters in life, and it’s perfectly fine to explore those feelings at your own pace.
Your love for your dad is enduring, and it’s natural to experience waves of pain as you remember him. Over time, those waves may soften, but the feelings of missing him will always be part of your journey.
You are not alone in this; many have walked this path before you. If sharing your thoughts helps, continue to do so, and consider reaching out to a counsellor or helpline by calling 1300 845 745 or join a grief support group. Griefline now offers online support groups, and you can find more information at https://griefline.org.au/support-groups/.
If you need help finding support groups or other resources for additional assistance, please contact the helpline. One of the volunteers can discuss the various options available with you.
Take everything moment by moment, and be kind and compassionate toward yourself. Your dad was so deeply loved, and that love shines through in every word you’ve shared.

[carolinedeg]

Today is 4 weeks. I manage most of the time to pretend it’s not real. But every now and then it hits me that it’s real and it hurts. It’s so hard to believe I’ll never see him again. I wish I believed I would. It’s difficult. Nothing sits right.

[carolinedeg]

Now 3 weeks and 1 day since I lost my dad. I’m feeling like I need to be working and getting back to how I was. Sometimes I forget and manage it. I returned to work for couple of days then got annoyed with my manager and stormed out of a meeting. I’m thinking I need a job where I’m more involved with helping people. Maybe I might want to be there. I keep seeing my dad in my thoughts and feeling sad. It’s like what everyone says, it gets easier to manage but you never really get over them.

[Author]

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