Lost my 22 y.o. daughter to cancer 8 weeks ago

[jbrown74]

Never did I imagine this would be our families story. My daughter was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive stage 4 metastasised cancer and 7 months later she passed away. I can’t begin to explain how I feel other than broken and like a big part of me is missing. We are an incredibly close family and we have such amazing support from friends and family. There isn’t a day go by where I don’t cry or want to scream.
I know I need to be kind to myself and I am. But, I just want my daughter back and feel so robbed!

Topic

[Moon]

[Moon]

[Moon]

[Moon]

Hi there jbrown, it was debsayge on here who shared those words with me, and I still read them very often, like the only one who truly understands, but I know I’m not the first to walk this path. My son and I always connected via music, what was your daughters fav song I wonder.
My son also had cancer, I understand the whole hospital and treatment life, lived it for 10 years, I will listen if you want to talk xx

[jbrown74]

Thank you for sharing these incredible words by Dr Joanne Cacciatore. It resonated with me so much and in particular “a path I must walk mindfully and with intention”.

[Moon]

Hi there, I hear you. listening xx

by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.
Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
But please, just sit beside me.
Say nothing.
Do not offer a cure.
Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don’t turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
And I will try to be gentle with me too.
I will not ever “get over” my child’s death so please don’t urge me down that path.
Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn’t standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface.
There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child’s absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.
Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.
My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I’m finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life’s suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I’ve learned, which are simply unanswerable.
So please don’t tell me that “ God has a plan ” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.
As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child’s absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said.
My child may have died; but my love – and my motherhood – never will. See less

[VM-Luna]

Hello jbrown74,

I hear your pain and rage at the unfairness of your daughters’ death. I hear that your family also shares your grief and are supportive as they can be. I hear your longing for your daughter to be alive, well and present. I hear that you can’t imagine life without her in it. I can hear a mother’s overwhelming and all-encompassing grief.
Our family has also experienced this grief. So I understand. There is nothing I can do, say or offer that can lessen this load for you, it is an experience that must be suffered through singularly (even when others are grieving the same loved one, as it is such an individual process), until it becomes a wound that is ever present though no longer as excruciating. When the memories become less about death her death and more about her loving, joyful memories.
The grief never ends, it just changes and morphs into ebbs and flows, you learn to live, love and laugh in her memory, rather than feeling guilty that you are enjoying life and she is not here. And, it is a time of re-defining who you are, your purpose, your role and who you choose to become in the aftermath of loss.
I hope that you are seeking professional help (via counseling, GP, psychology etc), as this is also important for your well-being. Having a loving and supportive family is great, however, their grief can make it difficult for them to support you without collapsing into their own grief and loss. Having that impartial, caring, and supportive person can make all the difference to our mental and emotional well-being.
I hope that you are feeling heard, supported and embraced by the comfort and understanding offered by your family, friends and us here. And that by sharing some of my personal insight into this type of loss, in some way may give you some comfort and encouragement. My thoughts and heart to yours.
Please remember that you can call us if you need to and we are very honoured to help you in your time of need.

Free telephone support

[debsayge]

My heart aches for you dear mumma,
My tears fall down as I hold you close,

Please know there are other heartbroken mummas here, we are right beside you and understand X whom you can share with about the unspeakable loss of your precious girl….

We are here to listen and to hold your hand X

Please know of the compassionate friends groups and forums who devastatingly have all lost children….

For now I pray you have those closest special people to you holding you and allowing you to just be…..

It is the hardest and I deeply honour your beloved girl and you.

Rumi(16th century poet/mystic)
The healing of your pain
Is in your pain

So much love
Deb(Sayge)

[GL_Volunteer22]

Dear jbrown74,

Words cannot express how wholeheartedly devastated we are to hear of the loss of your daughter. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today. Know that we are thinking of you and the online community (forum) are here for you in support. You are not alone and you have been heard.

Allow yourself to cry – the outpouring is necessary for the body to heal, and engage in your normal routine if possible as this helps with a sense of purpose during a time that can seem surreal. Be kind to yourself and take care during this mourning period.

[vmpercy]

Hi jbrown74,

Your courage in sharing your heart-wrenching journey is inspiring, and I feel your pain. That raw honesty – wanting your daughter back – is a crucial part of healing. Don’t hold back on expressing these feelings. it’s a form of self-care.

Navigating grief is tough, but it’s okay not to be strong all the time. A practice that’s helped me is keeping a journal. Writing even one positive thing a day can provide a small balance in thoughts. Please remember, we’re here with you, offering support on your grief journey.

[Author]

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