Dear cas22,
I am so sorry for your loss and to hear what you are going through. Finding out your dad has passed is a painful and disorienting experience. The distance, the last conversation, the argument, all of that can come rushing in at once. It makes sense and iyour feelings are valid. Even when a relationship is rocky, that connection still matters, and it is clear to me that you cared and loved your father.
The guilt you are feeling will always come when someone dies and things feel unfinished. Not getting the chance to say goodbye or getting to have things be on the terms you wanted them to be on can leave a heavy “what if.” But relationships are very complex, and despite the challenges and complexities that come with them, that does not mean that moments of distance or conflict erase the love that existed. The fact that you are feeling this so strongly shows that you loved your father, it does not show a failure on your part.
Sometimes, when we don’t get to say the words we needed to, it can help to find another way to express them. That can be through writing a letter to your dad, speaking to him out loud, or holding those words in a quiet moment. I can completely understand if you need time to process and want to be alone to do that but, if you do just want to have someone to vent to, talk through your thoughts with or just be on the phone with you to hear everything you need to get out Griefline support is available at 1300 845 745. You do not have to carry this alone and of course you are welcome to keep sharing here about your dad, your relationship, or anything you wish you could have said. It’s still okay to say it now.
