Loss of my father

[loz94]

Hi everyone,

My name is Lauren, im 29 years old and lost my Dad in May this year.
Im coming here to try and find some comfort and validation that I what i’m feeling isn’t unusual and that I’m not alone.
My Dad was 57 when he died. He battled melanoma for 2 years that had metastasised to his lungs and brain. He had multiple brain surgery and underwent many sessions of immunotherapy and radiation. Just in February this year, we were told that his treatment was going well and things were looking good for him at that time.
Unfortunately, 2 weeks before he died they found that the tumours in his brain has spread rapidly, and developed a delirium and serious confusion. He was violently ill and my mum was unable to care for him at home due to his erratic behaviour, so we had to admit him into the oncology ward at our hospital, then to a palliative care facility. 2 days later he died. The day we admitted him into the oncology ward I graduated from my nursing degree and just started a graduate position at the same hospital. It was so so hard but at the time I think I was numb.
I was so so close to my dad growing up, he was my biggest supporter and advocate and he loved me unconditionally, and I, him. My mum and my brother were always so similar and were close, and dad and i were the same.
Mum and dad had been together for nearly 40 years at the time of his passing and they were very much still in love.
Mum and my brother had about 10 days off work and I had about 3 weeks off.
Since then, i’ve need at least a day off a fortnight due to either panic/anxiety attacks or pure sadness that prevents me from getting out of bed,
My mum and brother were able to go back to work and grieve in their own way with distraction, but no matter how hard I try I always end up needing yet another day.
Mum and my brother don’t really understand why I keep needing to have time off and get quite angry at me at times because I need to ‘get on with life’. While I’m happy they are grieving in their own way, and I am very sensitive to their feelings throughout this, a lot of the time I feel shameful and angry at myself that I’m not able to just function normally.
Im feeling very lost and sometimes quite lonely, feeling like i should be able to grieve like them and that I’m being ‘dramatic’. I’ve never experienced grief before – i still even have all of my grandparents. I guess I just need some validation? I know theres no time limit on grief, but my irrational brain keeps convincing me that I should be ‘okay’ by now.

Anyways,
Thank you for reading – hopefully just by writing this i feel a little better <3

lauren

Topic

[VM-Kona]

Hi @lhall,

I’m deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your father. Your grief is entirely valid, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person’s journey through grief is unique, and it’s important to give yourself the time and space you need to process your emotions.

I’m sorry to hear that it’s been hard to sleep and the dullness you’ve been experiencing with work. Losing a father is an incredibly challenging experience, and it’s quite normal to still be affected by such a recent loss. There’s no set timeline for when you should be okay. Your dad was a significant part of your life and it is clear how close you were. I’m glad that you have found comfort in engaging with this forum. Thank you so much for sharing your story here, and feel free to reach out anytime to our helpline at 1300 845 745 available 8am to 8pm AEDT any day of the week, if you want to have a chat or need extra support.

Also, I have attached a link that might be useful for your difficulty with sleeping. https://griefline.org.au/resources/sleep-tips/. I really hope this can be a valuable tool for you.

[lhall]

Hi Lauren
My name is also Lauren 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It truly is devastating
I also lost my Father in late April.
We were also very close and had a very strong bond. My Dad died of an unexpected heart attack. I had spoken to him the day before for an hour. I spoke to him almost daily.
I miss him so much and can’t stop thinking g about his death and the shock of it all.
It really is horrible. I can relate to absolutely everything you are saying and feeling. It been 6 months for me and I’m still crying daily. I’m still not sleeping properly and just feel like the spark in my work has gone very dull.
I’m also not sure if ehat I’m feeling is normal.?
I’m glad I’ve found this forum.Xx

[Moon]

Hi Lauren, I hear you. I lived a similar experience with my father, metastized bowel cancer suddenly into liver cancer, did palliative care by myself at home for 6 weeks.
It was a long time ago, but still with me everyday, although I am on this forum for the recent loss of my son. I was very close to my dad also, especially since my mother died when I was young. All I can say is think of carrying a big stone in your pocket everyday, eventually it gets easier to carry, feels a bit lighter….
Take your time, do it your way, whatever works for you on the day, I need loud music sometimes. Hey just a thought, could there be any feelings around the fact that you just completed your nursing degree same time xx

[VM_MilkyStars_]

Hi Lauren,

Seeing this post is heartbreaking as I am someone who shares a close bond with my father. The loss of someone so close is incomprehensible to begin with but to put a cap on the way you feel about it can be a cruel move. Considering how close you were to your father, the grief can feel insurmountable. At least in the time immediately following his death can have spells of grief that can be quite hard to move through. You have mentioned that you have been able to get to work but just needing that one day off (more than others) does not call for a judgment towards how you are coping. We are all different and make different choices when faced with the same circumstances.It’s only human to do so. Considering how dear your father is to you and you to him, allowing the time and space to grieve will allow you to resurface in time. This is the least you can do, given the loss of a loved only offers us so many options in coming to terms with it.

May be creating a space for yourself where you are allowed the freedom to process your emotions and buying time away form environments that are taxing you further, may be worth considering if you really need the space that is. I would recommend the following website which helps you practice self-compassion through meditations. https://self-compassion.org

Please feel free to contact Griefline at any time you feel like talking. Thanks Lauren.

[VM-Summerj]

Hi Lauren, I’m truly sorry for your loss. It’s evident that the relationship you shared with your father was incredibly special, making his absence all the more painful. Please know that what you’re going through is completely normal, and your feelings are valid.

It’s natural to feel a profound sense of grief after losing someone so close to you. There is no right or wrong way to navigate this process, and there’s no set timeline for healing. The connection you had with your dad was unique, and it’s okay to take the time you need to come to terms with his passing.

Your family members may be dealing with this loss in their own ways, but it’s essential to remember that your grief is a personal journey. I understand that this might be difficult, but their anger directed at you might also be because of their grief towards your father and that seeing you grieving is another stab to their heart. In saying this, it is also not your responsibility to take on the burden of grief that others are carrying when you’re also going through grief yourself. There is no shame in grieving in your own way and that self-compassion is especially important during this difficult time. Open and honest communication with your family can help them better understand your emotions and needs during this difficult time, and your own self-compassion can be equally as healing and inspiring to those around you.

You’re never alone in this journey because we are here for you. Please continue to use the forum and feel free to call our helpline at 1300 845 745 (available 8 am to 8 pm, 7 days a week) ❤️

[Author]

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