Loss of my ex-partner

[zanderdee]

My story may not fit in here but I need some advice, or maybe just to be heard. U don’t know. It’s not about death or anything like that, but more about separating from my ex-partner and feeling such intense guilt for it.

My ex is honestly one of the nicest people i’ve ever met.. And everyone sees how sweet and innocent she is in general. That’s what is making this process so damn hard. She’s very limited in her ability to work or understand the complexities of the world, gets overwhelmed easily, and doesn’t really know how to take care of herself. Everyone has always put her down as ‘dumb’ or even thought she may have a learning disability – but it turns out she’s likely lived her entire life with Inattentive ADHD and it wasn’t even noticed until I spoke with her psychologist who sent her for an assessment which I paid for after the separation (I wanted her to get help). They came back to say there’s a very strong likelihood of her having it but weren’t able to give an official diagnosis because she was too mentally unstable from the separation. It crushed me and intensified my guilt because she has tried one of my pills and the difference was like night-and-day. I just want her to be able to quiet her mind, focus on getting back on her feet, and being seen as reliable for her daughter/grandchild’s sake.

We separated about a year ago now after many years (8-years) of feeling beaten and broken (figuratively – no history of DV at all) from ongoing melodrama and stress centered around her ethnic family and over-thinking that led her to intense bouts of anxiety and major depression. I just felt defeated trying endlessly to reassure her that all will be well. But she couldn’t truly see me through the noise of her endless worries. I myself woke up to feeling like I wasn’t seen, or didn’t even rate, against all her stressors and her focus on her intensely dramatic daughter and her other family’s dramas after I myself got diagnosed with ADHD.

My history of trauma is neglect from childhood – and I felt like I had lost myself as a people-pleaser because all I did was put out fires that caused her to spiral and realized I was enabling her co-dependency by trying to wrap her in bubble-wrap and protect her from the world. I felt like I had to wave my arms to get attention, and the only time I felt like I had that attention was when I would mentally break-down from stress over trying, endlessly, to make her happy. But getting a diagnosis really cleared up my mindset, and through psychology, i’ve come to realize the only reason I got together with her was because I was lonely, enormously over-weight at the time (215kg – now 104kg), and that I was desperate to find someone who could potentially love me. I ignored all the red-flags in lieu of not being alone for the rest of my life and now i’m paying for that mistake.

She is also rabid over-thinker who stressed over the tiniest of things – from money (despite me paying our way the entire relationship), to her limitations of job prospects and that she wasn’t academic enough to find better employment. It didn’t help that her ethnic family and community see wealth as a social status, and as someone who grew up poor myself, I didn’t care much about gaining wealth – just enough to get by and have our bills paid is fine by me. I maintained our budget so well that we were always 6-months ahead in credit for everything so the endless worry about not having more money was just so perplexing. She also barely took care of herself, as she’s a type 2 diabetic I used to beg her to take her medication which resulted in her (now) having to take 74 units of insulin a day. But now the inattentive ADHD diagnosis makes a hell of a lot of sense and is likely the cause of her life-long behaviour. She is incredibly naive, had been scammed online countless times for money and even had our ID documents stolen when her e-mail was hacked, or just had the worst luck which resulted in many car-crashes, accidents at work, or forgetting things explained to her. Her obsessive nature with social media also left no attention for me and it felt like I would struggle to have an engaging conversation. Her daughter kept her in endless spirals by bemoaning the ins-and-outs of her partner’s close-knit family, resulting in more endless worry – but her daughter has a long history of lieing or exaggerating truths. In all of this, she had no time to focus on me and despite being with her, I felt even lonelier than when I was alone and overweight and felt like a social outcast. But I don’t mean to rag on her – it’s just a brief explanation for the cause of the break-up to give some context.

What is really getting to me is.. we’ve separated and i’m paying her out to take over the house (200k) and mortgage (she could never work enough to afford to take it over unfortunately). She is due to move out once the settlement is sorted (in about 9-days) but I feel this intense sense of guilt for… casting her out into the world.. like sending Bambi back into the forest to be hunted. She is so co-dependent and despite me trying to teach her budgeting, paying bills, or even how to use basic technology besides a smartphone over the years, she’s just not able to remember any of it. Her family are also not willing to take her in due to her mental illnesses as she has a long history of stressing them out – despite them having ample rooms and houses. Not even her daughter will take her in (from her prev. marriage) because she has stressed out her partner’s family to no-end over the years and, I suspect, has painted her as incapable or ‘dumb’ as well. They won’t even let her spend time alone with her own grand-child because they see her as a risk to the child’s safety – but she was honestly brought onto this earth to nurture children with all her heart. She was a stay-at-home mother for 15-years so it breaks my heart that this even happened.

I feel so…. disgusted in myself for taking steps to find my own true happiness. To be free of stress and endless sadness that plagued our relationship due to her always being upset at one thing or another. I understand that what i’m doing is right for me, and I don’t regret leaving despite how hard it has been with lawyers and real-estate agents and brokers to get her the most I can for the house. I just feel like such a terrible person who took this sweet person under my wing, tried to help her fly herself, before realizing that I wasn’t happy due to numerous factors, and now she’s moving into a share-house in a few weeks. She still has a job, is on the Disability Support Pension, and will get a 200k lump-sum so she can get back on her feet.

So why do I feel like i’m an absolute piece of s**t for my actions? I’m not sleeping. These thoughts are always in my mind unless I work intently to drown them out. I even have a new partner who is absolutely amazing and the complete opposite of dramatic, who simply adores me, but is seeing my spiral from worry over someone who really isn’t (or shouldn’t be) my problem anymore. My new partner is so understanding at the situation and is a complete comfort – reassuring me that my ex-partner will be okay. But I know she won’t.. and it’s really killing me inside.

Topic

[VM-silverwings]

Hi zanderdee,

Thanks for reaching out, it sounds like you’re experiencing a “living loss”, as you are grieving the end of the relationship even as you are worrying about your ex-partner and her ability to cope in the world without you.

From what you have shared it seems you have qualities and strengths in being able to be there for someone else. And what you have shared also indicates strength by being willing to do what you need to do for yourself, even when it is difficult.

It’s very usual to feel guilt about ending a relationship, even if you know that ending it is the right thing for you to do. It sounds like it was a relationship that was very caring, but also took a lot from you.

As you said, you tried to “help her fly”, but ultimately there’s only so much you were or are able to do. It seems like your relationship has taught you that it really is true that we can’t guarantee another person’s happiness. From what you describe you’ve tried very hard to help your ex-partner emotionally and practically, and set up everything to you can to ensure that she will be okay in the future. Now you need to trust that you’ve done everything you can, and she will be able to find other support networks.

I hope that you have enough support available to you. You could also call our caring Helpline on 1300 845 745 between the hours of 8am – 8pm (AEST). Here you can openly discuss your concerns with a friendly Volunteer. There also some articles available on our website which may be helpful. One such article is about relationship loss, which you can find here https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/.

It’s good that you recognise that this was the right decision for you, and I’m glad you have your new partner supporting you in trying to process the emotions left over from your decision and move forward. Sometimes it can take time for your emotions to catch up with your head. Good luck building your new life and finding peace with the decisions you needed to make for your own wellbeing. You are always welcome to share on these forums, we are happy to be here for you as you navigate this process.

• This reply was modified 16 hours, 31 minutes ago by onlinecommunity.
• This reply was modified 16 hours, 28 minutes ago by onlinecommunity.

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