Loss of my best friend

[kt0803]

My best friend died two weeks ago. She was only 47 years old and an otherwise healthy person. She was working from home at her desk in the study and collapsed. The paramedics were unable to revive her. We are still waiting on the autopsy results to find out what caused her death. I am not sure whether now is the right time for me to be writing on a forum because the condolences and words of encouragement just make me so angry. Saying things like she will always be looking down on you are well-intentioned but I don’t want her always looking down on me I want her standing right next to me where she is supposed to be and where I always thought she would be. For at least the next 40 years or so.

Yesterday was her funeral and in the time leading up to her funeral I have always dreaded today. The first day of my life returning to “normal” and when I need to start living my life without her in it. The thought of being back out in the world overwhelms me. I just want to be left alone and never venture out again. Everyone wants to help but nothing can help. She’s gone and she isn’t coming back so nothing anyone does can change that. I know that people just want to help but I just really want them to go away and leave me alone.

I’m not even sure why I am writing this post. It’s not like anything you say can change anything either. I think I am struggling to find someone who understands. She was my person and now she’s just gone. I know that this is harder for her husband and son but I can’t grieve with them because I don’t want to burden them with my grief even though they are probably the ones who would most understand.

I feel lost and scared of a world without her in it. She was the person I turned to when things were bad. In fact, she is the person that I most need right now. She would know what to say and do.

I can’t bring myself to care about anything. I’m not sure whether that is being numb or still in shock but everything else seems so unimportant. I have to go back to work and pretend that I care about work and the people there. I talk to family and pretend to care about them and their lives. I’m angry that the world kept moving and people are living their life as if it is still the same.

Topic

[VM – believeinyou]

Hello, @kt0803

Firstly I’d like to acknowledge the profound loss of your best friend, your person, the one you turned to when things are bad, the person you need most now as she would know what to do and say in a time of immense grief. All of these characteristics that you have provided highlight how much of a significance this loss is.
Secondly, I am glad that you have found our online forums as others in this community have also been faced with well intentioned people, whom don’t truly grasp their experience of loss, and like you, have expressed their frustrations of well intentioned yet hollow platitudes. You might find comfort in listening to the podcast – Good Mourning. A little bio about their podcast “We’re real, truthful (a little bit sweary), and you’ll find no doom and gloom or platitudes here – just authentic grief support. We interview world-leading experts on grief, loss, trauma, and mental health, and our content will educate, inspire, and support you, no matter where you are in your grief”. Here is a link to the podcast. linkhttps://www.goodmourning.com.au/listen-good-mourning-podcast

The feelings you are experiencing are very valid, and normal to experience. Including feeling lost, scared, numb, angry and as if nothing else is important right now. Regardless of them being normal, they can sometimes feel overwhelming and unbearable to process. We are here to listen and to support you through these complicated feelings, when you are ready.

Lastly, I am providing a resource that you may find beneficial since you are currently living the reality you have been dreading, “normal” life without her. https://griefline.org.au/resources/grief-recovery-part-one/

[VM-Veteran015]

Hi Kt0803
i cant imagine what you are going through at the moment. its extremely hard to find the words and the emotions that you are trying to get out. you are angry with the world for taking someone you loved and its not fair. i am glad that you are writing this post as it shows that you are communicating in your own way. no amount of platitudes or consoling can be of assistance to you right now as you are hurting badly. the anger, grief, frustration you are feeling at the moment is completely normal behaviour and don’t apologise for that. nobody can understand the emotions that you are feeling right now as everyone has different methods of dealing with loss. i think you all may benefit from discussing how you feel even if its hurt and anger. at least you will know how they are feeling as well. the shock of the loss will slowly fade but your love will always be there. you need to take as much time as you need to come to terms with the loss. i can feel the love that you are exhibiting through your emotions. please be good and kind to yourself. My sincerest condolences.

[VM-GEM4]

Dear kt0803
Thank you for reaching out. It sounds like you and your best friend had a really close and special relationship. Its often hard for others to understand the unique bond we share with those we love and the impact big losses this can have on our lives, despite their best intentions. Often, they simply don’t know what to say. Your best friend passed so suddenly, and two weeks isn’t long at all. It is understandably a huge shock – it can take time to work through these complicated feelings and emotions. Please don’t be hard on yourself for feeling all of these feelings, it is completely normal to feel angry and sad, and everything else that comes with it. But please make sure you are taking care of yourself too.
While your best friends’ husband and son will also be grieving in their own unique ways, reaching out to share how much you miss your mutually loved person can be comforting for everyone. Grief can be an isolating experience and perhaps you will all find some comfort in sharing how much you miss her.
Is there anyone else you feel you could talk to? Please know you are not alone in your grief and can call Griefline anytime (8am-8pm) to talk on 1300 845 745. There are also numerous resources on the website that may help. https://griefline.org.au/resources/

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