Loss of grandfather

[peachicetea]

Hi everyone. I’m hoping that joining the online forum and writing out my thoughts will help me in some way.

I lost my grandfather in May 2025. He’d been in palliative care for nearly 3 months (much longer than anyone expected!) and I’d been caring for him in our family home for 2 and a half months before that. We’d already lost my grandmother in April 2023, and in assuming a caring role for him straight after her passing, I feel like we got even closer as grandfather and granddaughter. In fact, at some points, I felt more like a daughter. As I’m estranged from my own father for over a decade now, this brought me some comfort.

I’ve been dealing with mild depression and generalised anxiety for nearly two years now, and my role as carer had its highs and lows, but now I’m completely without purpose and feeling both the loss of my grandfather and echoes of losing my grandmother. I see a therapist every 3 weeks but I haven’t gained much from discussing my grief in those sessions. I’m openly emotional and candid when talking about it, and I feel heard, but not provided with much guidance. I hope these forums might be able to give me that now.

I’ve been lucky to grow up both geographically and emotionally close to my grandparents, and for the last 13 years we’ve lived in their home. Even now, months on, I still yearn just for the presence of my grandfather/grandparents in my life. Not just to give me purpose (though I’m definitely lost without my caring role now), but for the relationship I had with them.

It was really tough to accept my grandmother’s passing, as she spent only 2 weeks in palliative care. I thought I’d coped okay at that time, but admittedly I dived into study, caring for grandfather and family stuff to keep busy and at least appear like I was coping okay. This time around I’ve let my grief take the wheel and I’m trying to deal with it in a healthy way.

I find myself comforting others when they are sad, and I can talk in a calm and open way about missing my grandfather. It’s not that I feel that I need to hide my grief, but more that my “load” hasn’t lightened months on. I still cry a lot on my own, triggered by photos, memories, songs, stories, and I swear I can feel their presence sometimes in the house, in the creak of the stairs or some verbal murmur.

I’ve also been having quite frequent dreams in which my grandparents feature, and sometimes I experience very real emotions in these dreams. It doesn’t make for very good sleep, and it’s like my grief has already left its imprint on me when I wake up sad and drained. Is this normal? They aren’t bad dreams most of the time – my grandparents just turn up in quite natural scenarios and for a moment I feel this joy (and I experience an almost real sensation of being able to put my arms around them) before the reality hits me in the dream and the grief rolls in.

I hoped that if I didn’t try to hide from my grief, and was gentle and compassionate with my self-talk and self-care, that the grief would lessen with time. I feel almost bogged down at this stage of the journey, wondering if this is normal, and how to get back into a life without my grandparents.

Topic

[VM- VioletH]

Hi @peachicetea,
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandparents. It’s clear they weren’t just family members, but foundational figures in your life, people who shaped your sense of home, identity, and emotional safety….losing relationships that deep can shake us right to the core.

You showed such loving care and dedication to your grandfather through his final months. Stepping into that role, especially after losing your grandmother so recently, can become all‑encompassing. It makes complete sense that now, in the quiet after such an intense period of caregiving, you’re feeling that empty space and loss of purpose. Many people describe this as an “aftershock” of grief, when the body and mind finally have room to feel everything that was held together during the caring period.
The grief you’re experiencing is completely understandable only a few months after losing your grandfather, especially with the earlier loss of your grandmother still so present. You didn’t just lose two people you loved, you lost daily routines, roles, and a sense of being needed. And because your bond with your grandparents was so close, even parental at times, the emotional impact is naturally deeper and more layered.

The emotions that surface when you look at photos, hear certain songs, or find yourself remembering them, even the vivid dreams where they appear so real, are all normal parts of grieving. Our minds continue to process the loss in many layers, and dreams often reflect that ongoing bond and longing for connection. Many people find these dreams incredibly vivid or emotionally intense, and they can leave you waking up drained or sad. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong, it’s a sign of how deeply the relationship lives within you.

Some people find it helpful to gently engage in remembering rituals like looking through photo albums, doing an activity that connects you to them, or writing them a letter. These aren’t meant to “fix” the grief, but to honour the bond and help integrate the loss into your ongoing life.
Over time, the intensity of grief does change. It doesn’t disappear, but our healing self slowly grows around it. The love and connection remains, and the grief becomes something we carry differently; it becomes less heavy, less overwhelming, and more woven into who we are.

The Griefline community is here to support you through this, you don’t need to go through this alone.

I’ve included a link to some Griefline resources you may find useful when your ready
When a Loved One Dies Coping with Grief and Loss

and of course you can call one of our compassionate volunteers on our Helpline 1300 845 745 8am to 8pm: 7 days (AEDT) if you ever feel the need to talk things through.

[VM-Serenity66]

Dear peachicetea,

What you’re describing, the yearning, the dreams, the way emotion still shows up so vividly months later is a testament to the love and connection you shared with both your grandparents. Beyond being a granddaughter; you were a caregiver, a confidante, and in many ways as you note, a daughter to your Granddad. Perhaps it’s no surprise that kind of bond takes space, patience, and compassion to transform after your loss.

It makes sense that you’re feeling unmoored. You gave so much of yourself during his illness, and before that, you were already grieving your Grandmother. You’ve carried a lot, and now the role that gave you purpose has come to an end, it’s a kind of identity shift. I wonder if, in becoming your Grandfather’s carer, you ever had the chance to fully grieve your Grandmother’s passing.

I’m so glad to hear that you are engaging in therapy, being honest about your feelings, leaning into grief rather than away. It sounds like you are actively involved in your own healing. For all that though, it’s okay if it still feels heavy. Grief isn’t linear, and progress doesn’t always look like feeling better. Sometimes it looks like crying freely over photos, memories, songs, and stories.

With your Grandparents so present in your thoughts, it makes sense that they would be prominent in your dreams, as your mind tries to make sense of a lifetime of memories, and a relationship with them that is very different now but still ongoing. The joy you feel when you see them, even for a moment, is real. And so is the ache when you wake. That duality is part of integrating grief, especially when the relationship was close.

While it’s true that there isn’t really any timeline for grief, if you are concerned that your grief experience is unusually prolonged, or affecting your life in unexpected ways, you are within your rights to ask your present therapist or doctor about a referral for more specialised support in complicated or prolonged grief, if that is something you are willing to explore.

In the meantime, be gentle with the parts of you that still long for the presence of the people you still love. Some people find it helpful to try writing them a letter, or keeping a journal of your favourite memories and the little things you miss. Rituals like that can help you feel connected without being overwhelmed. Right now it seems like you are living your loss fully and honestly. That takes courage.

I hope the resources here on the Griefline site can help you in some way to take care of your pain. You are welcome to keep updating us on the forum thread as things unfold for you. A caring volunteer is also waiting to listen while the Helpline is open, any day you feel that a safe free conversation might be helpful.

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