Loss of close friend I have feelings for

[littlenatnat8508]

In November 2024 I met this girl online on a video game (lets call her K for privacy concerns) and well we deeply connected. The first time we talked it was about religion because I’d like to spread the Word of God online and she was curious since at the time she was Jehovah Witness and I’m Catholic. So then we then started texting frequently on Instagram. We would also play video games often and we play those 2-player games too. She was kind and genuinely cared for me. We had similar interests in drawing, video gaming, volleyball, love of nature and religion too. Later on she actually converted and so we shared the same Catholic faith, we would pray for one another and read the Bible together and try to lead people closer to Jesus. I got to know more of her backstory, like struggles in the family and her childhood such as her dad passing away and also how she had 6 past failed relationships. She also asked me how can I know if this person is the one because I want him to be my last (almost certainly referring to me because I was her closest guy friend). And she always said how she wants to cook and look pretty for her future husband. She even asked me if we could meet up in Australia when she is older since she lives in Guam, and she said she wanted to cook a shrimp dish for me. In fact my nickname for her was ‘Shrimpy’ for that reason (and not to insult me) and I would call her ‘Sleepyhead’ because thats how she is. My main point is we were really close.

Yet despite this I was painfully aware of our age difference since at the time I was 18 and she was 16. I was born in October 2006 and she was born March 2008. We didn’t do anything inappropriate I think but I was fearful that I would appear as if I’m taking advantage of her since shes younger and I’d become someone I’d regret being. So I cut her off for 4 days in mid December just to handle the fact that we were getting too close way too soon. But this was the event in which ruptured trust and commitment in our relationship. Since this time, she has always been afraid of committing to me because shes never been with an older guy, I’m too old and I get the ‘ick’ because of her.

Yet in reality I really do love her and I see a future with her, but I just wanted us to have some time as close friends until we’re both older and mature for us to date and possibly be married. Our feelings for each other were revealed 2 months later after daily texts and playing video games on Feb 14, Valentine’s day, even though I didn’t really want to tell her yet. Her friends continuously pressured that I needed to share my feelings with her because K was afraid I don’t like her. And so I did, we both expressed feelings that we liked each other and yet one of those same friends said our relationship was weird and inappropriate. And so I cut her off again saying we can’t be Valentines and we needed a break. However we decided we would watch a movie called Interstellar together anyways as friends after Valentines and it was nice 🙂

After this she started drifting off emotionally. She wouldn’t want to share her heart with me. She said she doesn’t want to be emotionally attached to me even though she once did. She would play with many other guys (the main ones are T and M, though there were many others) and I ended up getting hurt lots because we would still text most days but yet emotionally distant with me and be with the other guys.

Eventually I decided I wanted to be clear with her and what I wanted. in early April, I said let’s make a commitment to be close friends so we eventually date in the future And she agreed with an enthusiastic yes! And I told her we should call every week and have deep and meaningful conversation to maintain this type of relationship. And she agreed.

However she couldn’t keep the promise. She refused to take any of my calls and she said I just want to be friends because I can’t deal with you knowing so much about me, even though she would be playing with T and M at the same time. Even while she said she was committed to being close friends to date in the future with me, she was matching in username with her guy ‘friend’ M. It hurt so bad I was crying in a bathroom alone. And then a week later after saying she doesn’t want that committment, she started dating M which hurt me so badly.

I took a week break from her and after that I tried just being friends with her. However there were many concerns on my mind. It got to the point where I expressed how I was feeling hurt with her behaviour and she would ghost me even though we’re just friends. Like I would bring how the relationship between her and M seems emotionally unstable since both her and M just immediately got out of committed relationships and started dating and people would get hurt. And then I said its like you’re seeking so much attention, and want to be close with many guys, but not be attached to them and hearts would be played. I’ve talked to many of her guy friends including another dude named L and T and also M and they expressed the same hurts that I have, that they feel led on at times. She got angry and then she blocked me for a time.

Now she then unblocked me about a week later and then well after this I was trying to create even more distance and separation to be just friends with her because I knew she wasn’t emotionally safe anymore unfortunately like she used to. I couldn’t even be close friends with her or bring up deeper issues without fearing she’ll block me again. And so she started doing manipulation tactics on me to be reeled into being attached to her, without her committing to me WHILE shes dating M. Like she would try to And in 1 final attempt she tried saying I think this might be our final goodbye because the memories hurt us both when we talk and you’ve been a great friend to me, as if I can be reeled to be attached to her. But I said lets talk more in the future as friends after a long while and after we’ve healed.

So thats my whole story. I still love her and I have many dreams and hopes for her that I hope can be fulfilled if she comes to Australia. But I’m still trying to let go of holding onto that hope and trying to trust God.

Its gotten to the point where I can’t even function in everyday life and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m always tired now and I can’t even get out of bed and I listen to sad music alot. I’m falling behind university work because I get so stressed about losing her and I constantly check up on her social media page. I keep scrolling through our text history and looking at photos I took in the video games. I play the video games we used to play a lot. I’m losing my fire for God, like I don’t read my Bible or pray the Rosary as much as I used to.

So the grief of losing her is hitting me hard and I need some support for the inner wounds I’m experiencing, if that is okay. Thank you.

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[onlinecommunity]

Hi littlenatnat850,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of this close companion that you shared so much with. It really sounds like you had many things in common and we’re really there for each other. There seems to have been many threads to your relationship, as you met through online gaming, and connected on a much deeper level from there. I can only imagine that this is very painful for you as you embark on this period of not having contact with each other.

It is perfectly natural to miss someone deeply when you were previously so close. It also sounds like you have many strengths including your ability to connect with others and form strong bonds. I understand that your strong bond with her is part of what you have lost, but still this does indicate strength and many positive qualities about yourself.

I hope you have someone to support you and talk to you. You can call our Helpline (1300 845 745) between the hours of 8am and 8pm to speak with one of our caring Volunteers. We also have various resources available on our website, such as this article about relationship loss https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/.

Please feel free to continue to engage with our online forums. We are here listening to you.

[Author]

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