Loss of a relationship due to the death of a parent

[thelongdork]

Hey guys, I’m new here and thought I’d just share my story. Not trying to throw anybody involved under the bus as my ex-partner was an exceptional woman. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family during this horrendous time.

My ex and I dated for about 3-4 months. At the time we had met, her mother had been battling cancer for 4 years. Despite worries, she wanted to date me and I was more than willing to support her as well as support our relationship. It was one of the best relationships I’ve ever had; communication, kindness, effort, compassion, all of it. I felt myself growing as a person with her around and I wanted to continue the relationship well into the future.

Then she got the call to see her mum for the last final weeks of her life.

It was heartbreaking and I continued to support her even whilst we were on opposite sides of the planet. Nothing could prepare me for how things would be when she came back.

It was like torture watching her go through her grief and even more so knowing there was nothing I could do to fix any of it. Cancer had taken her mum away and she was feeling more lost than ever. I did what I thought anyone would do in that situation and just showed up. Anytime she needed, I’d be there. If she wanted help with anything, no questions asked. Groceries, cleaning, a shoulder to cry on, I was there.

But I couldn’t help but feel lost myself as my partner slowly pushed me further and further away from her. She was exhausted and wanting space, of course I always gave it to her, and yet I’d always find myself crying non-stop as I’d drive myself home. Eventually, the insecurities crept in and I started questioning my worth. Was I being too impatient? Was I making her uncomfortable? Was I just being selfish about wanting to spend time with her? It didn’t help that I kept a lot of it to myself, and when I did bring it up with others, the focus was on her grief and her support. I understood that, and never wanted to make it about myself.

I felt like I had to change things, I couldn’t keep wondering if I was good enough, if I was a good enough partner, and support. After many tearful conversations with my ex, I put forward the idea of a break. My life was thrown into chaos with my job ending, my family having drama and my financial situation looking bleak. And she couldn’t make time for me, no capacity for much with her grief and work being her main saviour through all of this. Nobody was at fault for what was happening. It was a truly awful situation and there were no right answers.

But when I proposed it forward, she called it off completely.

Now, I’m two months post breakup, healing but slowly. The guilt of abandoning her, her mother’s promises that I’d look after her, the promises I’d made to her and her friends, my own grief with my own losses (My grandfather passing shortly before my ex went overseas), is something I struggle with every day. I’m taking it all one day at a time. I feel grief, anger, misery, guilt, blame but also kindness, compassion, forgiveness and understanding for myself and her.

I know I will get through this, and I recognise I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet.

If there is anyone out there who has had a relationship break down due to grief of a parent or other loss, know that you’re not alone in this situation. I feel alone all the time, as not many people that I know have ever been through this circumstance, but I wish nothing but peace and acceptance for everyone.

My heart truly goes out to all of you. If you need a moment to breathe, reach out to somebody. I wish someone had told me that and so I hope that this story means something to someone, even if its just one person.

If you’re still in a relationship with someone going through grief, your feelings matter too. Never think for a second that it doesn’t. A relationship is a two-way street, and you need support just as much as your partner does. If all hope feels lost, reach out for the light.

You are not alone.

• This topic was modified 3 weeks ago by thelongdork. Reason: editing tags

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[VM- VioletH]

Hi @thelongdork,
You showed up with so much love, patience, and care even when your own world was falling apart. That speaks volumes about your character and the depth of your commitment to your partner at the time. Though you might feel like you abandoned her, it sounds like you gave everything you had, and just reached capacity, and as things started to build up in your own life you had to use whatever resources you had left to manage it all.

You have such depth of insight about this experience, and you express with such compassion for the others in your story, don’t forget to shine that light of compassion on yourself too, during your healing journey.

[VM-pi]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with great courage and humility. It sounds like you did the best you could in a very difficult situation and you recognised that you need support and care too. Grief expresses itself in many ways and it can put a strain on relationships as people sometimes withdraw from everything else or get irritable. For you, witnessing you ex-partner’s trauma and grief also takes an emotional toll so I’m glad you’ve been able to express yourself here. It is really important that you take the time to process what you are feeling too, whether it is by journalling or working with a therapist. The Griefline website has lots of useful resources on how to prioritise your own self-care and healing too.

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