Loss of a friendship

[minicooper]

I guess I’m writing this for me as I’m not sure anyone will read this. I need to acknowledge to myself that a 40 year friendship is over and I will never know why, that the person I thought I knew never really existed and I will never get a resolution to this. How do you move on without resolution? But I digress, let’s start at the beginning.
My girlfriend whom I have been friends with for over 40 years, decided to end our friendship without conflict or a discussion. She hasn’t passed on, but it feels that way.
Instead, she has chosen to give me the silent treatment. This leaves me with so many unanswered questions that I am struggling to move forward. Yes I have tried to contact her but I have received nothing in reply. Unfortunately, she was not only a close girlfriend but she is also my cousin. This means that I still see her during family functions (& she avoids me and doesn’t talk to me) & her name is constantly brought up in family circles asking what has happened between us. Mutual friends also constantly bring up her name.
I feel like I can’t escape her. She has made it perfectly clear she wants nothing more to do with me as it’s been two years since our last communication. I would like to move on but I struggle with two things. One, after two years have no idea of why she broke off our friendship, hence the lack of resolution. There is some lame excuse that has been given to me, which I don’t believe, although I do think it was just the cherry on the cake. I suspect that she had a list of grievances against me that was accumulating over time and rather than discuss it with me, she chose to walk away….can I say this? Rather than act like an adult and deal, she chose the cowards way out. God that sounds so angry. I swing like a pendulum, angry, sad, angry, sad. How do you “get over” or accept that this is over when you don’t understand why it’s over.
The 2nd thing I struggle with, is having her constantly thrown in my face by well meaning friends and family. Every time I think my head is in a better space and I start feeling good again, some friend or family member will ask what’s going on between us. This brings up all the pain, hurt, anger, disappointment & doubts all over again and it’s like a scab that’s being ripped off a wound. It takes days/weeks to start feeling “normal” again.
I understand that this may not sound like a big deal to those who are dealing with the passing of someone close, but this is what it feels like to me.
The fact that she is my cousin AND neighbour is now an added stress because I still see her in the street, at the shops, family functions and gatherings. She is still in my social circles and I just want her out of my life. How do I get her out of my life, without losing everyone else? How do I find resolution with her decision? Oh I forgot to mention, our husbands were best friends too. Their friendship is now also over because of her decision to end ours. My husband is also in this world of pain, with no resolution and it hurts me to see him this way. While the boys may catch up every few months, it is an awkward meeting as they share a mutual grief over the loss of their friendship that they had no say or control over, the decision was made for them.

So where are we at? In this limbo of a situation with no way of moving forward, or at least not understanding how to move forward. I can’t pull away from my family and friends. Is it to much for me to ask them to stop talking about her? Do I try and look for other friendship circles? I have tried but my confidence has been shaken and I find myself questioning the person that I am. I tell myself, I am obviously not worthy. If your closest friend can walk away from you after 40 years, then obviously something is wrong with you.
Can you get hypnotherapy for this sort of thing? So everytime I have these self doubts something clicks in my head to flip it around and I say “you are worthy and you do have something positive to give to a friendship” Ha! God I wish it was that simple. Well that’s enough of a rant from me. I am not sure I feel any better about putting this in writing. Maybe.

Topic

[vm-winter13]

Hi MiniCooper,

I acknowledge you for sharing the loss of the close friendship with your cousin. After a 40 year relationship, it is a huge loss to go from best friends to no communication and being avoided at family functions with no explanation. I can hear that it has impacted your self confidence and your trust in people and friendship. It also overlaps with so many people that you love in your family. It can also feel really disconcerting when you don’t know why and your constantly analysing what caused it to be this way.

I had something similar happen about 9 years ago when my best friend from high school who I loved and treasured very much, stop talking to me and avoided meeting up. It happened a year after I had my first baby and she never told me why. I spent alot of time wondering what happened and grieving the loss of our friendship. It also impacted my identity as I wasn’t in touch with anyone else really from highschool. I have people around me who still have really close relationships with their friends from highschool and I felt like a failure.

I share that so you know many people struggle with the loss of significant relationships even when it isnt caused by a death. Your experience is valid, it is a big deal to you and this loss of relationship with your cousin has affected many areas of your life.

There is some information on our website that may be helpful to you moving through this loss – https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/.

I can get you are struggling to find a way forward that feels right. The pain sounds like it really challenging to be with. That is really normal when dealing with a significant loss like this. There are no right answers. It is a strength to be able to communicate about it and share about it in a forum like this. You are also welcome to call the Griefline to chat about your feelings on 1300 845 745 – 8am – 8pm AEST any day of the week.

Continue to keep in touch through this online forum and look after yourself. We are listening.

[VM-Loki23]

Dear minicooper

I can hear the distress you are experiencing in loosing a friendship of 40 years. And what makes it worse is not getting the space to process and grieve this loss, instead being reminded of it by friends, family and close proximity of your friend living in the same neighbourhood. It also sounds like the situation has undermined your confidence in your ability to find new friends leaving you confused. I want to commend you for finding this forum and showing courage in sharing and unburdening yourself on this forum. I can see that you value friendship and integrity hence your loss of relationship has brought up grief emotions such as sadness, anger, and confusion. It is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions as gently as possible and to look after yourself. Identifying your support system, people who you can turn to for emotional support will also help. This forum and our helpline where you can have confidential conversations are an encouraging start. Having said that it is equally important to establish routines that are calming and nourishing while you grieve. Mindfulness and self compassion practices can also support you in processing this loss. Grief is a roller coaster of emotions so give yourself space to feel those emotions and process the loss. I would like to point you to a resource on Griefline (below) that will also support you in your grieving process.

Coping with Grief

And our helpline number is 1300 845 745
8am to 8pm: 7 days (AEST)

Sending you good vibes so you can find a good way to hold your grief and take care of yourself.

[Author]

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