Loss after suicide – GUILT and GRIEF

[blueskies]

I lost the love of my life 5 months ago. I am struggling to live with the what ifs – I didn’t understand suicide the way I now do. I feel like I missed signs. I feel like I didn’t treat certain things serious enough. A lot of people say the same things, it’s not my fault and there was nothing I could’ve done but I feel in my heart I could’ve done a lot more. If I knew what I know now I would’ve done it all so differently. Now they aren’t here anymore. I am a solo parent. They are my best friend and I took it all for granted. To grieve this way is something completely foreign to me. I do support groups, counseling regularly, I talk and talk daily to people about how I’m feeling and nothing seems to help me properly. I’m stuck in a place I don’t think I can ever get out of. To be in my 30s knowing I have to live without the love of my life is something I can’t accept and bear. I’m alone without them here. I am actively trying everything. Even though someone may resonate and understand what this somewhat feels like, it doesn’t change how I feel. And that’s what I’m struggling with. I don’t feel like this is ever going to get better. I’m completely shattered and broken. I don’t know what to do. I just want them to walk through the door one day and tell me this wasn’t real. I don’t want to try meds. I just want to try and be strong and carry on through this but I am completely lost and broken!

Topic

[VM-Bird]

Hi @blueskies,
Thank you for coming back and sharing where you’re at. It means a lot that you’re staying connected with us.

What you’ve described sounds incredibly hard, and at the same time I noticed something important: the place you’re in now feels a little different from what you were feeling earlier. Grief can move like this – from guilt, to shock, to disbelief – and even though these shifts are painful, they often mean you’re not as stuck as it feels.

These waves of “this can’t be real” are very normal after a sudden and traumatic loss. They don’t mean you’re going backwards – just that your heart is trying to make sense of something overwhelming in its own time.

We’re here with you through all of this.

[blueskies]

Thank you for all the time and words of encouragement put in to trying to help. I appreciate it.
The last few days I’m going through a thing of not actually believing this is real… I look at his photos and I just make myself believe very easily, that he just isn’t home. It’s like the shock and denial is happening all over again

[VM-Selazni]

Hi @blueskies,
I’m sorry for your loss. Your partner sounds like a remarkable person and it’s no wonder that you miss them dearly.
From the sounds of it, nothing that I write will be unfamiliar to you. You seem to have a lot of insight into what you’re feeling and thinking and, consequently, you sound to be doing many good things for yourself during this period of grief and heartbreak. It’s frustrating and saddening that even though you are “doing all the right things” it still leaves you feeling lost and broken. It truly sucks and, unfortunately, is all part of the grieving process. I want to reassure you that it will get better, despite feeling now as if you’re still living five months in the past and in the immediate aftermath of your partner’s suicide. This grief is heavy and will be with you forever but we get stronger and better at carrying it with time. Equally, the grief doesn’t leave but it becomes lighter and more manageable in time. Your strength has brought you this far and I feel confident that it’ll take you much further and into lighter, brighter days. As they say, if you find yourself going through hell, don’t stop! You’ve got this.

Take care, blueskies

[VM-Bird]

Hi @blueskies,
Thank you for trusting us with something so painful. Reading your words, it’s so clear how deeply you loved your partner and how hard you’re trying to keep going. What you’re describing – the guilt, the “what ifs,” the feeling of being shattered and completely lost – is something so many people go through after a suicide loss, even when they did everything they could with the knowledge they had at the time.

Grief like this can feel senseless, and the mind tries to fill in the blanks by going over every moment, every sign, every memory. It’s not because you failed – it’s because your bond with them was profound, and your heart is trying to make sense of something that has no simple explanations.

You mentioned feeling like you missed signs or didn’t take things seriously enough. So many people say these same words after losing someone this way, especially once they learn more about suicide than they ever wanted to. But it’s important to remember that so much of a person’s inner suffering can be invisible, even to those closest to them. Loving someone deeply doesn’t give us the power to see everything they’re hiding or carrying inside.

You’re navigating something enormous – grief, trauma, solo parenting, and a future that feels nothing like the one you imagined. It makes sense that support groups, counselling, and talking haven’t magically lifted the weight. Five months is such a short time in this kind of grief, especially when your whole world was turned upside down.

You’re not alone here. We’re here with you, and you can keep sharing whatever you need to. There’s no rush, no expectation, and no “right way” to be where you are. I hope this offers a little support in a hard moment.

[vmv_68]

Hi @blueskies,

How brave of you to reach out and share this immensely painful experience with us: it truly shows more strength than you may realise. Everything you’re feeling is entirely normal, and yet it can still feel incredibly isolating, especially when you’re carrying so much on your own.

Those “should’ve–could’ve–would’ve” thoughts are so valid too. They can really intensify that feeling of being stuck, and they often show up when we’re trying to make sense of something unbearably hard. The fact that you’re talking about this across different settings, and allowing yourself to express what’s going on in your inner world, is such an important and proactive step in your grief process. It takes a lot of courage to do what you’re doing right now.

As others have mentioned, support is very much here for you if you’d like to keep talking or if things feel too heavy to sit with alone. You don’t have to go through this in isolation.

StandBy (https://standbysupport.com.au/) well as Lifeline (https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/support-toolkit/topics/grief-loss?q=get-help/information-and-support/bereaved-by-suicide/#understanding-suicide-grief) can be useful organisations to get support after you lost a beloved one to suicide.And of couse, Griefline is still available for you via forum or via phone call (1300 845 745)

Please know you’re not alone in this. We’re here with you, and you deserve support, care, and gentleness as you navigate this incredibly difficult moment.

[blueskies]

Thank you to all ❤️ maybe some day it’ll feel a little lighter for me… just maybe

[VM- VioletH]

Hi @blueskies,
Thankyou for sharing your experience here,it makes complete sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed, this kind of loss shakes the very ground beneath you, and changes your whole world in a moment. Your loss is still so recent, and people in your situation often find that they review their choices, feeling that they could have changed things somehow, the ‘what ifs’ you’re carrying are a natural part of your mind trying to make sense of something so deeply painful. One of the most difficult things about losing someone to suicide is all of the unanswered questions, not only about the person who died, but also of yourself and the self-doubt that creeps in, making you question yourself.
It sounds like you are doing all that you can to support yourself and your children, and though you might feel stuck at the moment, going to counselling, being here in the forum and being there for your children every day shows your strength and resilience. Right now, it may feel impossible to imagine things getting better but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it’s a reflection of the enormity of your loss, partner, best friend and father to your children.
Know that we are here for you, and that you can also call our helpline if you would just like to talk things through.
I have shared another resource below that might be helpful, they specialise in suicide bereavement and also have some great resources for children, which might be useful for you.
StandBy is accessible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, providing free face-to face and/or telephone support at a time and place that is best for each individual.
• Phone: 1300 727 247
• Website: <a href=”http://www.standbysupport.com.au/&#8221;
• To find support in your regions visit:

[VM-Fern]

Hi @blueskies. What you have bravely written will certainly resonate with anyone who has lost someone they are very close to to suicide. I have lost a family member in this way but I was not particularly close to them so I have no first hand knowledge of just how emotionally crippling it is. But many others in your position have told me of just how shattered, shocked, devastated, lonely, broken and guilty they feel. The guilt is horrible and normal and compounds all the suffering. Feeling that there is more that could have been done is completely normal. The bereaved look back and judge their actions then with the knowledge that they have now. But all those bereaved people could only make decisions with the knowledge they had then. Which is all any human can do. And for a suicide to occur most often means that the pain that was being experienced was stronger than the love they were able to receive. This is not the failure of the loving family and friends but it certainly feels that way. I hope that the feelings of guilt will start to loosen their grip soon. You are already suffering enough from the loss of your loved one without having to struggle with the thought that you should have somehow prevented it.

[VM_Billie20]

Hi @blueskies,
I’m really grateful you reached out and shared so openly here. Your words show just how deeply you loved your partner and how enormous this loss is for you. Losing someone to suicide brings shock, confusion, guilt, and so many unanswered questions and the way you’ve described feeling shattered, lost, and overwhelmed makes complete sense in the circumstances you’re facing.

You’re also carrying all of this while parenting on your own, holding both grief and responsibility at the same time. That is an enormous weight for one person, and the fact that you’re still reaching out, speaking with others, attending support groups and counselling these are all signs of strength, even if they don’t feel like progress right now.

You mentioned feeling “stuck in a place” you can’t get out of, and I want to gently acknowledge that early grief especially suicide grief can feel frozen, unreal, and unbearable. Feeling like it will never get better is a common part of navigating pain that is still so raw. But feeling hopeless is not the same as being hopeless. The way you continue to show up, seek connection, and tell your story shows that a part of you is still reaching for support, even if it feels far away.
Thank you so much for sharing, please know that you’re not alone here. This community is here for you.

You are also very welcome to call Griefline’s Helpline on 1300 845 745 (8am – 8pm, 7 days (AEDT)), if you would like to have a friendly chat.

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