“Looking for Help with Grief That Has No Closure”

[stefstas]

I am not coping.

My first husband — the father of my two children, a daughter now 25 and a son who will soon be 23 — told me when I left him in 2009 that if I dared to go, I would never see my children again. I thought he was joking. I believed my children loved me too much for that to ever happen.

When I left, I walked away from a 15-year marriage with nothing — no clothes, no shoes — just my children. But after I left, he began his campaign to destroy my relationship with them. He poisoned them against me, and by 2014, after years of conflict and heartbreak, overnight my children just disappeared.

He moved houses, changed their schools and phone numbers, and made sure I couldn’t find them. I called the police, but they said it was a federal matter and that I needed a court order. I had no money to pursue one.

By the time I finally found my children, they wanted nothing to do with me. They believed the most horrible things about me — lies he had told them — and I was shut out of their lives completely. Eventually, he moved them to Victoria, and I had to learn to live without them. I have not seen my children now for about 11 years.

Then, in June this year, my ex took what feels like his final act of revenge. He posted photos on social media, tagging enough mutual friends that they appeared on my feed. That’s how I found out my daughter had a baby — a beautiful little girl. My first granddaughter. A baby I will never hold or know.

I have no parents. My father, who served in the military and cared for soldiers exposed at Maralinga, died of malignant melanoma when I was four. My mother passed away when I was sixteen. I am completely alone now.

Since learning about my granddaughter’s birth, I’ve been struggling deeply. My days feel dark and heavy. I’m not sleeping or eating properly. I feel pathetic, worthless and broken. I work in healthcare and mostly from home, which means I can go a whole week without seeing or speaking to anyone.

I mean no disrespect for anyone dealing with a loved one who has passed, but I’ve tried to find grief support groups, but because my children and granddaughter are technically still alive — just forever gone from my life — I don’t qualify. I don’t know where to turn anymore. I have no one, the grief is getting overwhelming.

Can anyone offer advice?

Topic

[VM_Pinnacle]

Dear Stefstas,

I am sorry to hear about the situation and pain your ex-husband caused you to be in. Not having your children be able to understand and connect with you because of opinions given to them while they were growing is awful. With the birth of your grandaughter these feelings are understandably magnified and the isolation you are feeling must be painful to bear.

I want to acknowledge the strength of character you have demonstrated to leave that marriage despite the threats. To leave a situation that has been continuing for so long takes immense courage. I also see that courage here, reaching out and not trying to keep tackling your distress alone is a huge step and testament to who you are. You are not worthless, you are a loving mother who is being faced with a challenge that would test anyone in your situation. You and your life has value.

You mentioned mutual friends were being tagged and that is how you saw your granddaughters photos. I do hope that among these people that there are some you are comfortable sharing your pain with. It is important to open up and know you are not alone in this and, while it may seem daunting, friends should want the best for you. We are also here to provide support a listening ear too of course. Please continue to seek support from this forum because we will be here for you.

• This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by VM_Pinnacle.

[VMToby]

Dear Stefstas,

As I read your story of living loss of two children, now adults it struck me how brave you were to reach out and talk about how tough life is for you at the moment particularly with learning you are now a Grandmother.

You are right , living loss which we call this or disenfranchised grief means you are left to navigate the pain and extreme heart ache yourself as the community surrounding you does not know what to do in these circumstances.Hence you are excluded from grief support groups.

I am wondering if your work place has EAP that you could access some counselling support or maybe have counselling face to face as your work in the healthcare area is on line and you sound so isolated.It might help to have someone to talk with face to face.

Always remember, although the pain must be heartbreaking- you are a mother and now a Grandmother no matter what your ex husband has done. See if that knowledge can bring a little joy to you.

Take care of yourself as best as you can at this time. What you are going through is so normal and feeling overwhelmed is normal too.

Please find someone to talk to who can support you at this most challenging time. YOu so deserve this.

[VM-flowerbear07]

Dear Stefstas,

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I can see from reading your post that the loss of your children from your life, through no fault of your own, has had an immense impact on your wellbeing over the years, more so now following the birth of your granddaughter. The fact that you left your marriage with no possessions shows the gravity of the situation you were in. Following this, your ex-husband has prevented your children from having a relationship with you, which has left you feeling alone. I can feel the heaviness you speak of within the words you have written; there is a lot of pain here, and please know it is incredibly valid. It must be unimaginably painful – it is no wonder you feel broken.

I am saddened to hear you feel pathetic and worthless; your grief is real, and it matters. You matter. It is really important to give yourself time and space to grieve; this includes exercising self-compassion. You deserve rest, and proper nutrition. Reaching out to find connection, understanding and empathy can feel scary when you feel vulnerable. Our helpline is open 8AM-8PM AEST, on 1300 845 745. You don’t need to go through this alone. We are here to support you.

[Author]

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