Living with grief and impending disaster

[nannyrho]

I don’t know where to begin to explain the situation myself and husband are in. We lost our beautiful daughter to depression and suicide in April 2023. She was a beautiful woman, 34 yers old, successful in business, a wonderful daughter and loving caring person. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder some 8 months before she died by suicide. We were beyond devestated and heartbroken because it seems so unbelievable and cruel for her to lose her life to depression in such an awful way. At the same time she had been hospitalised for her mental health (she was in the UK at the time) our oldest son (in Australia where we live) was also admitted to hospital for his mental health. He is a long term heavy drinker and drug user, and he was in psychosis and diagnosed with schizophrenia. He has since been hospitalised (briefly) again. In the time since he was sectioned in 2022 (his second admission) he has caused so much heartache and stress to us and to his ex partner and children. He is aggressive, rants and raves, is scarey to be around and is constantly threatening suicide as a means of controlling his situation. His 3 daughters (15 yrs, 13 years and 7yrs) are afraid of him and sick of him being so awful to be around and the aggressive and scarey way he speaks to them so they refuse to see him, which makes him more angry and distressed. I feel the grief I feel for my daughter is overtaken by the worry we have about our son. And to be honest I have the awful, awful thought that it should have been him that died and not our beautiful daughter who never hurt or abused anyone in her whole life. It all seems so unfair and cruel and I wonder what on earth we have done to deserve this. I am writing on this forum because I just can’t talk to anyone about how difficult our lives are trying to grieve for our daughter while waiting for a phone call from the police about our son either hurting someone or hurting himself. I want to protect ourselves and our other 2 children and grandchildren from him but I just don’t know how or where to turn for help.

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[vmac25]

Dear nannyrho,

Just like VM-Serenity66 I am deeply moved by what you are going through. As a mother and grandmother too, I can only imagine the heartbreak you are feeling from losing your daughter. Trying to navigate the grief of her loss alongside the trauma and anticipatory grief which your son’s challenging behaviour is causing the whole family is such a tough situation to be in. I truly hope that, amidst all the challenges of this difficult situation, you may find some quiet moments to grieve in a way that feels right for you. Please know that the Griefline and SANE Australia forums are a safe space for you to continue bravely express whatever you need to, and whenever you need to. Take care.

[VM-Serenity66]

Dear nannyrho,

I’m deeply moved by the unbearable pain and heartbreak you’re experiencing. Losing a child to suicide is a tragedy beyond words. I would like to acknowledge the weight of the grief you carry for your daughter and offer my compassion for that. At the same time, navigating your son’s mental health struggles and the impact it has on your family is incredibly challenging. It’s quite understandable that you would feel overwhelmed, worried, and even conflicted about your emotions.

I would like to observe that you have not done anything to deserve this. Complex mental health issues affect families for medical reasons, not moral ones, and if you deserve anything, then it is support and understanding. Please know that your feelings are not wrong or shameful. It’s okay to feel anger, frustration, and even resentment towards your son’s behavior, especially when it affects your other children and grandchildren. At the same time, it’s sensible of you to prioritise your safety and well-being, as well as that of your family. Seeking professional help and support for your son, while also setting boundaries to protect yourselves, is very important.

If you haven’t already, it might be useful to consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor who specialises in grief, trauma, and support for complex mental health. Families need a lot of support too for coping with the stress, anxiety and complex emotions surrounding a situation such as your son’s. Remember, you’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to ask for help. Connecting with support groups for families dealing with mental health issues can provide a sense of community and understanding. SANE Australia (https://www.sane.org/) has forums and online support groups that can help to support families in your situation. Be gentle with yourself. Griefline is here to support you when you feel ready to have an anonymous supportive conversation on the Helpline (1300 845 745) about what has happened and is happening to you and your family.

[Author]

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