Living with grief and impending disaster

[nannyrho]

I don’t know where to begin to explain the situation myself and husband are in. We lost our beautiful daughter to depression and suicide in April 2023. She was a beautiful woman, 34 yers old, successful in business, a wonderful daughter and loving caring person. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder some 8 months before she died by suicide. We were beyond devestated and heartbroken because it seems so unbelievable and cruel for her to lose her life to depression in such an awful way. At the same time she had been hospitalised for her mental health (she was in the UK at the time) our oldest son (in Australia where we live) was also admitted to hospital for his mental health. He is a long term heavy drinker and drug user, and he was in psychosis and diagnosed with schizophrenia. He has since been hospitalised (briefly) again. In the time since he was sectioned in 2022 (his second admission) he has caused so much heartache and stress to us and to his ex partner and children. He is aggressive, rants and raves, is scarey to be around and is constantly threatening suicide as a means of controlling his situation. His 3 daughters (15 yrs, 13 years and 7yrs) are afraid of him and sick of him being so awful to be around and the aggressive and scarey way he speaks to them so they refuse to see him, which makes him more angry and distressed. I feel the grief I feel for my daughter is overtaken by the worry we have about our son. And to be honest I have the awful, awful thought that it should have been him that died and not our beautiful daughter who never hurt or abused anyone in her whole life. It all seems so unfair and cruel and I wonder what on earth we have done to deserve this. I am writing on this forum because I just can’t talk to anyone about how difficult our lives are trying to grieve for our daughter while waiting for a phone call from the police about our son either hurting someone or hurting himself. I want to protect ourselves and our other 2 children and grandchildren from him but I just don’t know how or where to turn for help.

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[VM- VioletH]

Hi @nannyrho,
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal story, you have gone through so much loss in recent years – your daughter’s illness, her death by suicide, the loss of the relationship with the version of your son you knew and loved due to mental illness and addiction.
It sounds like you have been on high alert caring for your children and grandchildren in an extremely stressful situation for many years without respite. What you and your husband have been living through is beyond what any parent expects to face. Losing your daughter in such a traumatic way, while also trying to support a son who is unwell and unpredictable, is a heavy weight for any family to bear. The heartbreak, fear, confusion and exhaustion you describe make complete sense in the context of what you’ve endured.
Your daughter sounds like an extraordinary woman: loving, accomplished, and deeply cherished. Her death was not a reflection of her worth or your love for her, but of an illness that took her from you far too soon. The grief you carry for her is profound, and it deserves space. It’s understandable that this grief feels overshadowed by the constant crisis surrounding your son. That doesn’t mean you love him less it means you are human, overwhelmed, and trying to survive something incredibly complex.
The thought you mentioned, wishing it had been him instead is something many parents in similar situations may have felt but are unable to say out loud. You are a grieving parent who has been pushed to the edge by trauma, fear, and heartbreak, and your mind is trying to make sense of something that seems so senseless.
Your son’s behaviour sounds very destabilising for you and your family, especially for your grandchildren, and it’s understandable that you want to protect yourselves. Needing safety and boundaries is not abandonment of your son it’s a necessary step to support calm and safety in your life as much as possible.
You deserve support, compassion and space to move through your grief in this extremly, volatile and painful time.
Reaching out here was a brave first step.
You don’t have to figure out everything at once,for now it’s enough to acknowledge that you’re overwhelmed and that you need support a completely human response to an incredible depth loss and pain.
You don’t need to go through this alone,we are here to support you @Thank you for sharing something so heavy and so deeply personal. What you and your husband have been living through is beyond what any parent should ever have to face. Losing your daughter in such a traumatic way, while simultaneously trying to support a son who is unwell and unpredictable, is an unbearable load for any family. The heartbreak, fear, confusion and exhaustion you describe make complete sense in the context of what you’ve endured.
Your daughter sounds like an extraordinary woman — loving, accomplished, and deeply cherished. Her death was not a reflection of her worth or your love for her, but of an illness that took her from you far too soon. The grief you carry for her is profound, and it deserves space. It’s understandable that this grief feels overshadowed by the constant crisis surrounding your son. That doesn’t mean you love him less — it means you are human, overwhelmed, and trying to survive something incredibly complex.
The thought you mentioned — wishing it had been him instead — is something many parents in similar situations have felt but are too ashamed to say out loud. It doesn’t make you a bad mother. It makes you a grieving parent who has been pushed to the edge by trauma, fear, and heartbreak. These thoughts often come from a place of desperation, not malice. You are trying to make sense of something senseless.
Your son’s behaviour sounds frightening and destabilising, and it’s understandable that you want to protect yourselves and the rest of your family. Wanting safety and boundaries is not abandonment — it’s necessary. You are not responsible for managing his illness alone, and you are not expected to sacrifice your wellbeing or the wellbeing of your grandchildren to keep him calm.
You don’t have to carry this in silence. There are places where you can speak openly without judgement. Griefline (griefline.org.au) offers free, confidential support from trained volunteers who understand traumatic grief, suicide loss, and the complicated emotions that come with caring for someone with severe mental illness. Many people find it a relief to talk to someone who can hold all of this with them.
You deserve support — not because you’re failing, but because you’ve been carrying far too much for far too long. Reaching out here was a brave first step. You don’t have to figure out everything at once. For now, it’s enough to acknowledge that you’re overwhelmed and that you need help. That’s a completely human response to an inhuman amount of pain.
@vm-serenity66 supported with details of our Grifeline Helpline and Sane contact details, I’ve included some additional resources below that may be helpful for yourself and your family.

Head to Health
If you are trying to improve your own mental health, or support somebody else with mental health issues, Head to Health provides links to trusted Australian online and phone supports, resources, and treatment options.
• Phone: 1800 595 212 • Website: https://www.headtohealth.gov.au/ • Hours: 8:30 am – 5:00 pm

Kids Helpline
Free counselling and advice for young people between the ages of 5 to 25.
Helpful tools on website. • Phone: 1800 551 800 • Website: https://www.kidshelpline.com.au • Hours: anytime

Standby – Support After Suicide
StandBy is accessible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, providing free face-to face and/or telephone support at a time and place that is best for each individual. • Phone: 1300 727 247 • Website: http://www.standbysupport.com.au/ • To find support in your regions visit: https://standbysupport.com.au/findsupport

[vmv_68]

Dear @nannyrho,

I cannot imagine the pain and the conflicting feelings you are experiencing right now. It is incredibly heartbreaking to have your heart crying for the loss of your daughter while also painfully witnessing your son’s diagnosis. As others have already commented, this is what makes us human: holding space for complexity. In moments like this, it becomes painfully clear how two difficult truths can coexist at the same time.
Your grief, and your sense of injustice about everything that is happening in your lives, are completely valid. I hope you give those feelings the space they deserve, without trying to judge them, or fix them.
It’s important that you find time and space to process all of these emotions. And while you do, I truly hope you receive all the support and care you need during this intensely vulnerable time.
Griefline and SANE (https://www.sane.org/) are here for you. Please feel free to continue writing on the forum, or call us on 1300 845 745 if you need any further support.

[VM_Pinnacle]

Dear nannyrho,

First I just wanted to say thank you for sharing something so painful and complex. What you and your husband have been through is unimaginably heavy. Losing your wonderful daughter to suicide is a devastating loss on its own, and to be living alongside your son’s severe mental illness, addiction, and ongoing crises at the same time sounds exhausting and frightening. Having to be in a sitation where you are carrying grief while constantly anxious about the possibility of another emergency is an unbearable way to live, and it’s clear how much love and pain you’ve been holding onto all that time.

Your feelings — the anger, the unfairness, the thoughts you feel you shouldn’t be saying out loud — are all deeply human responses to prolonged trauma and loss. Having those thoughts does not mean you are a bad parent or a bad person. They are often the voice of exhaustion, trauma, and heartbreak — not a reflection of your values or love. Wanting to protect yourselves, your other children, and your grandchildren while still caring about your son is an impossible bind — and there are no perfect answers. You didn’t cause your daughter’s illness or her death, and you didn’t cause your son’s schizophrenia. You deserve support too and I hope you continue to keep sharing here. About your daughter, about the fear around your son, or about the things that feel too hard to say elsewhere. You don’t have to hold all of this alone and I hope you can find some support and comfort here.

[vm-berry]

Hi @nannyrho, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, thank you for reaching out in the forums and being vulnerable with your grief experience and emotions. I can hear that you are going through multiple losses in your life right now, the loss of your daughter, the dreams you had with her and for her, the loss of safety, whilst also grieving over your son’s addiction and diagnosis.

I lost my grandfather recently and cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you, the loss you feel shows how much your daughter means to you and all the love that you have for her. This heartbreak, devastation and grief that you are feeling right now is completely normal.

It requires so much strength for you to reach out like you already have, to Griefline and SANE, despite the multiple priorities in your life, I hear that you want to prioritize that space for yourself – we are here for you!

[nannyrho]

Thankyou for responding so quickly to my post. It has been a particularly difficult week and I will get in touch with the SANE group. I did call the Griefline in the first year of losing Madeline, when I was so overwhelmed with it all, and the person was lovely and kind and helped me get through a bad time, so I shall do that again soon. It can be hard to find the time and space to be alone at the moment as its school holidays and we always have a couple of grandchildren with us in the holidays. Thankyou again for your advice.

[vmac25]

Dear nannyrho,

Just like VM-Serenity66 I am deeply moved by what you are going through. As a mother and grandmother too, I can only imagine the heartbreak you are feeling from losing your daughter. Trying to navigate the grief of her loss alongside the trauma and anticipatory grief which your son’s challenging behaviour is causing the whole family is such a tough situation to be in. I truly hope that, amidst all the challenges of this difficult situation, you may find some quiet moments to grieve in a way that feels right for you. Please know that the Griefline and SANE Australia forums are a safe space for you to continue bravely express whatever you need to, and whenever you need to. Take care.

[VM-Serenity66]

Dear nannyrho,

I’m deeply moved by the unbearable pain and heartbreak you’re experiencing. Losing a child to suicide is a tragedy beyond words. I would like to acknowledge the weight of the grief you carry for your daughter and offer my compassion for that. At the same time, navigating your son’s mental health struggles and the impact it has on your family is incredibly challenging. It’s quite understandable that you would feel overwhelmed, worried, and even conflicted about your emotions.

I would like to observe that you have not done anything to deserve this. Complex mental health issues affect families for medical reasons, not moral ones, and if you deserve anything, then it is support and understanding. Please know that your feelings are not wrong or shameful. It’s okay to feel anger, frustration, and even resentment towards your son’s behavior, especially when it affects your other children and grandchildren. At the same time, it’s sensible of you to prioritise your safety and well-being, as well as that of your family. Seeking professional help and support for your son, while also setting boundaries to protect yourselves, is very important.

If you haven’t already, it might be useful to consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor who specialises in grief, trauma, and support for complex mental health. Families need a lot of support too for coping with the stress, anxiety and complex emotions surrounding a situation such as your son’s. Remember, you’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to ask for help. Connecting with support groups for families dealing with mental health issues can provide a sense of community and understanding. SANE Australia (https://www.sane.org/) has forums and online support groups that can help to support families in your situation. Be gentle with yourself. Griefline is here to support you when you feel ready to have an anonymous supportive conversation on the Helpline (1300 845 745) about what has happened and is happening to you and your family.

[Author]

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