I feel like i’ve lost my child.

[ghostkitty]

I lost my beloved pet sphynx cat Lucifer to (most likely) brain cancer two months ago now. I cant move on. I feel like im stuck; i cant process the fact hes gone.
He was my EVERYTHING. he saved me from ending my own life when i got him, and i know i wouldnt be around today if i didnt have him. I just feel so lost. theres such an empty space in my bed, in my heart, and in my house. ive been shutting myself in for weeks; the sunlight hurts like never before, i cant EAT, i feel like theres a giant bubble of grief stuck inside my throat and belly and it just wont go no matter what i do.

Its not FAIR. it was so sudden. i want him back more than anything in the world, and i cant even understand that hes gone. my house has fell into dissaray; i hate seeing the places he isnt. i have other cats. ive adopted another cat since he passed as a new companion for my current boy, Pop, and he gets along well. im happy about it, i truly am
but theres such a huge hole in my soul that was my Luci and i feel like it will NEVER heal. why is it so hard? i could never imagine this. its like living my worst nightmare and its every single day. ive always struggled to sleep but i just cant sleep anymore.

i almost hate myself for this all; nothing was my fault, i got him all the medical help he needed, he passed safely and happily, but i feel like a failure. i feel like I. me. have lost my son. i cant even reason with the fact i had nothing to do with it. i dont know how i feel like everything is both my fault and completely out of my hands..

ive had traumatic pet incidents in the past; my husky died from cancer two years ago, my cat passed from old age, another by car accident, another VERY horrifically by untreated diabetes that i was left as a child to hold him while he died in my hands, when i was 14, my drunk mother trying to borderline kill him and me trying to protect him. im sure so muc h of this trauma is incfluencing this suffering but i just want it to STOP. i dont want to stop living; i really want to keep living. i like it. but everyday is a struggle. i hate myself in a way i never have: or i simply just dont care. i hate eating. i hate showering. i hate interacting with real people who arent my partner and sometimes my friends for a short amount of time. i dont want to talk to anyone in my life about it anymore because i just talk about it so much to myself in my head and i just.. i dont feel like anyone could understand. i feel like behind my back theyll be laughing at me. or that theyll think im stupid, that im over-dramatic, i dont know. i just feel like nobody could ever understand it. i feel SO alone. i used to feel like i kind of fit in in a weird way into the world: i literally STARTED going outside because of luci. i grew up in such an abusive household and he got me out of it . he was my one everything when i had NO-ONE. for years it was just me and him. i just want him home.

im also an artist and i feel so wrong now because i cant even manage to draw him. i would draw him while he was alive, he was .. such a big part of who i am. EVERYONE is mourning for him and i am glad; his funeral had literally 7 people there, a hand made coffin.. im thankful for it all and he was laid to rest with the most love i could have ever given him but nothing is softening this endless pain that just fills my chest.

in the end of it all, i want to keep myself alive even just to keep him living through me. but how do i break this wall of unacceptance? i cant accept that hes gone. I Cant even look for signs, for hope, i felt him here when he first passed and im not even opening myself up to it anymore because its so raw and hurtful. how do i feel the same love that he made me feel again? i know its there, i KNOW he exists in me somehow.. i just cant get past the sadness of it all. i want my baby home. im sorry for bad grammar and spelling

i dont know if i can post links but if so here is a link to my short memorial post that has photos of him because he was the cutest thing in the entire world
https://www.instagram.com/p/CvgpxRcp54W/?img_index=1

• This topic was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by ghostkitty.

Topic

[bunnymumma33]

Hi there! I know we dont know eachother but I feel called to respond to your post. Firstly im sorry for your loss.
I recently last month sadly had to make the heart wrenching decision to surrender my beloved pet rabbit named Captain Snowball.
I’m exactly where you are right now – lost and hurting so badly emotionally. Believe me I know how you feel!
Firstly i want you to know that what your feeling is very normal but I highly recommend you to please seek help.
Not caring for yourself is really bad – showering, eating, sleeping.. basically self-care aspects are VERY important! You need to find a way to function everyday in small ways otherwise you wont be able to function. Secondly I want you to know that this sadness is just a different form of love for your beloved pet.
Yes it sucks that your heart aches for them every second of every single day. But it just means its your way of showing love for your beloved pet.
I know our circumstances are very different but very similar grief wise.
Grief is not an A to B destination process sadly. We all grieve in different ways. And in my experience I have good days and bad days. Some times i can go a week or two without crying and then suddenly grief consumes me when I’m alone and I’m in a puddle of endless tears crying myself to sleep.
But I still keep searching for a reason to keep going… even if im still searching for that answer. What next? I keep asking myself that.
Also Im struggling with the constant judgement and anger of the lack of control due to surrendering my pet. Sadly its policy which is fucking unfair!
Please be kind to yourself. Journal. Draw. Find ways to remember your pet. Buy a pet keepsake necklace to wear with you everywhere. Create a memory area for your pet so they have a special place in your home. Please know that you are not alone. Please seek professional help and please know that your not the only person struggling with the loss of a beloved furry best friend. I also highly recommend joining Facebook Pet Loss Support Groups – ive found it helpful to connect with others in a similar situation. To feel understood.

[VM-Apples23]

Hi @ghostkitty

From what I’ve read, your bond with Lucifer is deep, loving, and enduring. I hope that since your initial post you are doing well in the next phases of the grief journey, including that of acceptance. Your desire to continue the bond shows strength, and I would love to hear about whether you have found specific ways to commemorate his memory, for example through your art.

The pain can be all encompassing, and therefore I hope you have found some clarity with the assistance of self-care practices. Please feel free to interact with our forums once again, or to even call the Helpline. You are not alone. Pet grief is a unique experience, just as important as grieving people. Take care.

[robertf]

Thank you for sharing these feelings.

Our little Belladonna past away over the weekend, and reading this helps me feel like someone else understands just how deeply it hurts.

[VM-bluesky]

Hi ghostkitty,

I’m so very sorry for your loss. You are on a journey to building a new life without Lucifer physically, but you made a good point about “keeping alive to keep him living through me” — building “continuing bonds” are an important part of grieving. Lucifer gave you so much joy, and that helped form part of you that you will carry forward. To do this you need to keep yourself safe and healthy, and a good start is telling your G.P. what you are going through so they can monitor your health and also refer you to grief counselling if you want.

As VMmishy wrote, there is a specific resource on losing a pet that may be helpful: https://griefline.org.au/resources/losing-a-pet/

Please look after yourself!

[VMmishy]

Hi ghostkitty,

I’m so very sorry to hear about Lucifer. From the way you talk about him I can tell he was an incredible source of love and joy to you. It sounds like he also gave you so much support and was there during some really difficult times in your life. The pain of grief can be so overwhelming and affect so many aspects of our lives including sleeping and eating and wanting to connect with others. Sudden loss can be especially difficult but you said he passed safely and happily so I’m sure you did everything you could for your beautiful Luci. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. It has only been a few months so it is normal to have such strong and mixed feelings. His funeral and your beautiful photos of him on Instagram (I love his little woollen top) are such a tribute to him and the special bond you had.

Sometimes it can be hard for other to understand how important pets are in our lives but I hope that being on the forum you are able to get some support from those that have had a similar experience. Please know you are not alone in your grief and can call Griefline anytime (8am-8pm) to talk on 1300 845 745. There are also numerous resources on the website that may help including one about losing a pet. https://griefline.org.au/resources/

Take care of yourself.

[Author]

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