First Birthday without him.

[abc01]

Dear all,
Today is Major’s birthday. The first birthday since he passed.
He should have turned 4 today. But he won’t. Last year at 12:05am I sang him happy birthday. This year I tried to sing to his picture but it was lack lustre and trailed off at the end.

Today there is no Dine tray dinner, Tuna Mornay with Cheese. His favourite. Today there is no packets of Dine sauce in tubes or Temptations packets in three varieties. He was less of a new toy cat and more of a yummy food boy. Today, I didn’t get to spend the whole day with him. Happy he is mine and grateful he was born to find me. Fussing over him because it was his day. Today I didn’t get to take an abundance of pictures with him or just of him. Today I don’t get to write an entry into the Animals birthday book, answering questions of their year since their last birthday. Seeing how they have grown and changed.

Instead today I have been in tears. That he is forever suspended in time at 3.5 yrs old. That he should have been here for this birthday, but by the lack of responsibility by my neighbours, he is dead. And that today is just a reminder of the cruel way life plays games with us.

It rained in the morning and into the afternoon. I was glad. It felt like maybe the world was crying with me too. It is now almost too sunny as the afternoon turns towards this evening.

I organised four wooden pine tealight holder pillar’s to light the 4 candles of grief,along side my tealight holder with his name on it. They burn next to my small grey ornamental stone cat that was brought whilst he was still with me. My brother brought me flowers and they sit next to the burning candles,along side a picture of Major and I hugging. This is all I can do for him this year.

It has been 6 months and I still can’t find a way to understand his violent death. My grief is still so raw as I repeat that day over and over. My mind just can’t find anyway to find acceptance about it. I understand how he died. But I don’t understand why his life was cut so short. I don’t know how to understand that kind of grief.

This is the first of many birthdays he has had stolen from him. Stolen from me. The first is always the hardest. Hopefully next year there will be more smiles amongst the tears.

I want Major to be remembered. I don’t want him to just be forgotten as others have moved on.
Today is just another hard day. When it should be a jubilant one. One that is on my calendar to celebrate life.

Thank you for listening to me today.
If you have a furry family member,please give them a hug and tell them in words how much you love them. I told Major everyday.
ABC01

Topic

[vmmay7]

Dear ABC01,
Thank you for sharing your heart with us today. Your love for Major always shines so beautifully through your words, and it’s so clear how much he meant to you—and still does. Today should have been a joyful day to celebrate his life, filled with his favourite treats, the comfort of your love, and the special rituals you both cherished. The pain you’re feeling speaks to the deep bond you shared, and it’s so understandable that his absence makes everything feel incomplete.

It sounds like you’ve created a beautiful tribute for him. The four candles, your memories, and the photo of the two of you hugging are such meaningful ways to honour Major. Though he may not be here physically, all of these special tributes show that he is held closely in your heart. Sometimes these rituals, as painful as they are, help us find small moments of peace, knowing we are still connected.

Grief can feel so isolating, and it’s clear that you’re holding such heavy pain. Just know that you’re not alone in this—your Griefline community are always here for you, holding space for your memories of Major and for all the emotions you’re experiencing. We will remember him with you.
Take it one breath at a time. Grief has its own timing, and right now, the pain is honouring the love you shared. I hope that, in time, you’ll find some comfort in those beautiful memories and perhaps, like you said, a few more smiles amongst the tears.

Take care and Happy Birthday, Major

[abc01]

Dear VM-May7,

Thank you for your kind words and reassurance in them.
“His absence makes everything feel incomplete”. Thank you for those words. I have been trying to articulate that exact sentence for months, but never came up with those words.

Everyday when I wake up, everything I do in that day and then in the night, even when I am trying to fall asleep. I feel that sentence so strongly. I don’t find enjoyment in anything and haven’t since he passed. Because everything I used to do had him in it or in my mind he was a factor. Everywhere in my home there should be his things, but now they are gone. I am incredibly lonely. Because he was always with me. My days centered around him because he was the best part of the day. I miss him so much. Grief is certainly hard to navigate.

Thank you for remembering him with me. I felt so numb by yesterday afternoon. I just wanted someone to remember he was born and that he matters. You may never have met him or me, but he was so incredibly beautiful and such a delightful little man. So full of love to give everyone, so innocent, but courageous and confident, and I was so proud of him. Am still proud of him. And I want the fact that he matters to be heard. I want his light to still shine if he still matters.

Once again thank you. From the bottom of my heart. And thank you for saying happy birthday.
ABC01

P.S. I am grateful for Griefline for having a place I can post things like this. Holding them inside is too much. And being held up by others is a massive help to cope daily.

[Author]

Replies