Feeling the death of my mother after 6 months

[phillipsm]

Is anyone feeling the loss of mother who died in june in this year. its hitting me hard now with my birthday yday

Topic

[heatherh]

@VM-Daisy, thankyou for explaining oscillation. That really helps me.

And @phillipsm, I completely understand how you feel. My dad died in October, and my mum has advanced dementia, and the losses are intense. Although I have some good days and hours and moments, I have horrifically unbearable ones, like today. Grief is such an invisible affliction, isn’t it, and it’s like you’ve crossed a void and can’t ever turn back.

So many hugs for you xx

[VM-Daisy]

Hi Phillipsm,

Thank you for sharing something so tender and real on the forum. I’m really glad you reached out.

It happens sometimes that we organise our life tremendously well after the loss and get through the day smoothly, but we are hit hard the next day when our guard comes down. What you experienced—holding it together for your birthday and then breaking the day after—that’s one of the most human things about grief. You’re not failing. You’re just finally allowing yourself to feel it.

I just wanted to bring up something that might help you understand what’s happening.

Many of us who are grieving do something called “oscillation”—it’s a concept from research on grief that I’ve found really helpful. It talks about how we naturally move between two different kinds of coping.

When you were organising your birthday, you were in what we call “restoration-oriented” coping—focusing on tasks, on doing, on keeping things moving forward. That’s not avoidance. That’s actually a really important part of how we survive grief. It gave you something to direct your energy toward and helped you feel a bit of control when everything feels so uncertain. Your mind was protecting you, and that matters.

But grief doesn’t stop because we’re busy. It waits. And when we finally pause—like you did the day after—that’s when loss-oriented grief can surface. You start feeling the weight of missing your mum, the reality of what’s changed. And that hurts. It hurts deeply. But that pain is part of healing too. It’s your heart saying she mattered.

Both of these—the busy doing and the quiet breaking—are part of how grief works. You’re not broken. You’re grieving. And you’re doing it in the most human, natural way.

Some things that might help right now:

Understand your own oscillation: You might notice you have days where you’re okay, busy, managing things. And other days where it all hits you. That’s normal. It’s not weakness switching back and forth—it’s how your heart is processing one of the biggest losses of your life.

Give yourself permission for both: On the restoration days, be gentle with yourself for needing that break. On the loss days, be gentle with yourself for needing to feel it all. There’s no “right” way to move through this.

Reach out when you need to Griefline is here whenever you want to talk about this—the weight of missing your mum, the pain of grief, how to navigate these oscillations. You don’t have to carry this alone. Call 1300 845 745 (8am-8pm AEDT(Victorian Time), 7 days a week), or you can always come back to the forums.

Resources that might help:
– Griefline’s guide on coping with loss: https://griefline.org.au/resources/when-a-loved-one-dies-guide-to-coping-with-grief-loss/
– Understanding the dual process model: https://whatsyourgrief.com/dual-process-model-of-grief/

Your mum was loved by you. That love doesn’t disappear with her death—it just changes shape. Some days you’re building a life forward. Some days you’re sitting with what you’ve lost. Both are okay.

You’re doing okay. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Take care of yourself, and please reach out whenever you need to.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by onlinecommunity.

[Vm-LilBee13]

Dear @phillipsm, I wish I had words that could ease this pain, but I know there really aren’t any. Losing your mum is such a deep loss and I know it can be especially hard on birthdays and festive days. But I just wanted to check in and ask how you have been looking after yourself at the moment, knowing how easy it is for self-care can fall away when grief is so overwhelming. Sometimes small and gentle things can help a little, such as allowing yourself more rest, getting outside for some fresh air, or even having some simple and comforting meals. I also wondered whether there are any ways you are still feeling connected to your mother. If you want to share with us, it would be lovely to hear. Take care.

[VM-winter]

I hear you @phillipsm! I lost my Mum a while ago now, so my grief isn’t as new or raw as yours is at the moment. Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and special dates really hit hard. Losing a parent is like losing part of yourself and who you are. Just when you think you have learned how to cope a day comes along, like a birthday, and all the pain comes rushing back. Learning to live with grief is a journey but not a straight line. It’s different for every one of us. There are up and down days and we all find some times are harder. Self-care is really important on the down days, so please do take the time to do whatever feels soothing and helpful to you. There are some good self-care resources on the Griefline website https://griefline.org.au/resources/when-a-loved-one-dies-guide-to-coping-with-grief-loss/ that you might find useful.
If it helps, please know that eventually we all find ways to grow our lives around our grief and learn ways to make it manageable. Grief doesn’t just go away, but you will grow your ability to cope. This year at Christmas and my upcoming birthday I’m finding comfort in getting out some old treasures and looking at photos of happy times with my Mum and feeling gratitude that I had her in my life. I hope you find ways to remember your mother and get through the tough days that will make it easier for you.
For now please just look after yourself and take the time you need to grieve. Keep reaching out to the forum for connection and support or call Griefline on 1300 845 745 (8am–8pm AEST, 7 days) if you need to talk. We are here for you.

[VM- VioletH]

Hi @phillipsm,
The grieving process is so different for everyone, while we are in middle of the whirlwind of emotions it’s hard to believe things will ever be different.
Your grief is real and present and it’s okay take whatever time you need to listen to your feelings, even the parts that feel heavy or stuck. You don’t have to rush your feelings or “move on” before you feel ready.
Even though it might not feel possible right now, many people find that over time the intensity of grief shifts. Not because the loss stops mattering, but because your capacity to carry it grows, it’s like our healing self grows around the grief, and though it’s not gone, we begin to carry it in a different way.
For now, it’s enough to take things moment by moment. You’re allowed to feel exactly how you feel. And you deserve support, gentleness, and space as you navigate this.
Thankyou for sharing your story, and remember we are here to support you through this process, you don’t need to carry this loss alone.

[phillipsm]

Thanks very much Violet. The pain of the loss of my mother is so intense at the moment. I can’t imagine it ever feeling better but I hope it does.

[VM- VioletH]

Hi @phillipsm,
Though I’m not experiencing the loss of a parent, as you are, I know that special event days like birthdays and Christmas can be an emotionally tumultuous time after a bereavement.
Its’s only been 6 months since your mother passed, so it’s understandable that special days where you would usually connect and come together are feeling challenging. Sometimes, it can be helpful to complete a ritual or memorialising activity on these days. Some people view photos that help them recall positive memories,do an activity their loved one enjoyed or that they enjoyed together, write a letter to their loved one, or even something as simple as lighting a candle.
Well done on reaching out here, as you don’t have to go through this journey alone. You can always talk to one of our volunteers at the Griefline Helpline 1300 845 745
8am to 8pm: 7 days (AEDT). Sometimes, it really helps to talk things through.

I have included below some information links from the Griefline website resources hub that might also support you when you feel ready.
Men and Grief
Coping with Grief and Loss

[Author]

Replies