Dissociating and feeling numb

[nickynoo]

I lost my soulmate suddenly on the 29/12/23 he passed at home suddenly. I cried so much at the start but I have found that I have completely disassociated from the grief. I am seeing a counsellor but that is for trauma counselling she isn’t trained in grief counseling. My mum passed away on Sunday night and whilst I’m sad she has passed I know she is happy. My mum was 72 whereas my love was 34. Her death has brought up all the pain like it was at the start. I miss him so much and am just going through the motions of life existing not living.

Topic

[VM-willowtree]

Hey @nickynoo, glad to see your response x
just thought I’d check in and see how you’ve been going this week?

It’s encouraging to hear you’re glad you’re beginning to tackle your grief. that takes enormous strength and I hope you feel proud of yourself for that. Take it day by day, even if you feel like you’re hiding away in the numbness, sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do to work through our grief and not judge ourselves for that.
I like to think about the saying ‘eat the dragon in small bites’ when there’s a lot to confront. the grief as the ‘dragon’, not necessarily thinking about eliminating it because it will always be there, but just beginning to process it all. not sure if that will resonate with you or not but I find it a nice reminder.

hope you’re looking after yourself and much love x

[nickynoo]

Oh my goodness I am crying so hard while reading this I am so glad that I finally decided to tackle my grief I had been hiding away in the numbness, It took about a month before I finally spoke to my GP and we started dropping my dose. I am now able to feel my feelings and they hit like a mack track when I was at the hospital with my mum. I started getting triggered when Mum passed. By the time I got home once I sat down everything just came at me like I wave, I have started really focusing actually dealing with the grief head on.

What Chris and I had was something I will never feel again. We were able to read each others minds without realising what we were doing. He was my protector and I don’t have that anymore I am now on my own I know that I have to move forward and I am really trying but it all feels fake. I figure if keep doing this eventually I will be living again.

Thsnk you for you beautiful and kind words. I am so grateful to have a space where I can just write out how Im feeling etc.

[VM-willowtree]

@nickynoo
your ability to see the beauty in the heaviness and darkness is such a beautiful quality and there is so much strength to that. It doesn’t diminish the significance of your losses and I’m sure it doesn’t make the grief any less difficult, but rather it brings to light your strength and the love you carry. It is awe-inspiring

it’s so wonderful for someone with your love and lived experience to be working in the field. The way you have expressed yourself and shared here, and your deep understanding of grief, I truly believe you are going to be such a positive force as a counsellor and I am certain Chris would be proud of you. I can’t imagine how difficult these past few months have been for you, but thank you so much for sharing your journey, and please waffle away anytime!

it sounds like what you and Chris had is so special, and how sacred that those memories continue to keep your love alive

reading your story fills me with sorrow but you have also given me hope. thank you

good on you for making it through today x

[nickynoo]

Thank you for replying it helps knowing that there are people around to just listen to my waffle. When Chris passed it happened suddenly and myself and my housemates partner had to do CPR until emergency services arrived. Then watching them work on him trying so hard to get him back. This happened at home. I am glad that I got to see the complete look of peace on his face once he had passed. I wish I had taken a picture it showed me that there is beauty in death. I had the same thing with my mun I’m glad I was there with my sister so she got to understand her passing. We know she is fine as she has been reunited with her parents and my baby brother Scott. Chris and I had talked a lot about our beliefs on death and what we wished would happen when once of us passed. We just expected that I would pass first as I am 53 and he was 34. What we had once something once in a million we shared our complete selves the good and the bad and we accepted each other. When we were together the energy we had within us combined to be this great ball of energy. We missed that part when we were apart. The age gap meant nothing. We had great plans he had an appointment booked to get back on his ritalin the next week after he passed. I was going to teach him some secondary subjects and he was going to work as youth justice worker. We were going to set up a counselling business we even had the name picked out. In July we were going to move to our forever home in the country where we would have a stress free life.
That has all been snatched away and I am left in the abyss of my new life. One without him. I feel like I am just observing the world not participating so it feels like I’m just existing am not a whole person as I have to go deep and deal with all the issues from my past plus the PTSD from when Chris passed. I am starting to interact more in the world. I began a counselling course as I was working through with my counsellor to take a different look on what Chris would want. It was such a simple thing we changed what would c
Crhis say to as a spirit. For some reason my brain kept focusing on I’m betraying Chris by moving forward without him. The simple change was ok Chris is sitting beside you what would he say to you. That helped me start with little chunks of life so eventually I am actually living. I have started the course and have almost completed the first topic. I’m using things that I am learning in my own life. I am also doing trauma counseling and am now ready to start grief counseling. I am also going to explore the various resources available on this site.
I’ve just realised something (after an hour long counselling session) whilst today was a truly painful and emotional day I had the strength and conviction to push through how i was feeling and finally ask for help with grieving.

[vm-penny09]

Hi nickynoo,

I just read your post and wanted to say how truly sorry I am to hear of the tragic death of such significant people in your life. It sounds like your mothers passing was expected and that you were able to have some connection to the process, but your soulmates sudden death took the wind right out of you and was such a traumatic blow that you barely coped. Thank you for reaching out here and connecting with us. The act of writing your story and expressing your feelings around this harrowing loss can be of great benefit to you as you journey along. You describe your life as ‘existing not living’, I’m wondering if you can tell us more of what that is like for you?

You have shown such great courage to seek out a counsellor, the work involved with facing these traumas can be difficult and I hope you find the right person to do that with. Alongside this forum, you have other options such as the Griefline free helpline support. However, I hope to hear from you here. Stay safe

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