Can’t cope with loss of my husband/ I lost my mum as well

[shaz]

Hi everyone,
I’ve only posted here once before ages ago when I lost my mum. I find this site hard to navigate.
I lost my husband nearly 9 months ago, it will be 9 months on Christmas Day.
First Christmas without him.
17 months before I lost my husband my mum passed away, she was my go to person, my best friend, the one I told everything to.
I feel totally lost and alone, I have 4 adult children but only one visits regularly. The eldest I haven’t seen in nearly 9 months.
None of my children talk about the loss of their dad.
I know people say your kids are grieving or maybe your kids don’t want to upset you but that’s not it.
Please believe me when I say they just don’t talk, the eldest become distant when he met his now wife.
Yes my children would be grieving but I never knew it would be like this.
The one son that does visit regularly I am grateful for but he too doesn’t talk about it, we just talk about his work and random things.
Since my husband passed away I have had no visitors other than the kids and some rarely, I’ve had no phone calls, no support, it’s like to other people this didn’t happen or my husband never existed.
Again it’s not just that people don’t know what to say, I get that some people don’t but the truth is many just don’t care.
There were about 50 people at my husbands funeral and I never heard from any of them afterwards.
If it had of been just a few I could understand but all of them, I will never understand it.
What also hurts is the fact that my husband on his death bed told our 4 adult boys to be there for their mum.
He also made video messages, he was unwell for years I was his carer for over 17 years.
A few years ago he made us all video messages, he told the boys in the messages to be there for their mum.
My eldest son gave a speech at his dads funeral, in that speech he also said dads final wish was look after your mum.
I don’t understand it because this same son I haven’t seen for nearly 9 months.
I don’t understand that even a man’s dying wish fell on deaf ears, I could never do that if someone asked me to be there for someone I would.
I also suffer panic attacks and bad anxiety I have had this for years so this makes it hard for me to go out plus I don’t drive, so please don’t suggest going out, meeting people.
I joined online Facebook groups and Facebook widow/widower groups, I try to reach out I try to make friends even just chatting online but nothing works. People will chat and you think you have made a friend and then they just disappear.
I have been out a few times with the one son that does visit, his the only one that seems to be honouring his dads last wishes.
From the day my husband passed away I have never had anyone just sit and listen to me or let me cry to them, no one.
Not even one sympathy card.
I don’t understand it.
I have a sister that lives 25 minutes away, I haven’t seen her since the funeral, my other sister I never heard a word from, she wasn’t at the funeral either.
Even though my husband was unwell I depended on him and he depended on me
Even our boys use to say, you can’t live without dad and he can’t live without you.
Even all the in-laws stopped speaking to me, not a word until resently to tell us my husbands father passed away
The in-laws did not even come to my husbands funeral, he was one of 5 siblings only one sister came. This also upset my sons that his family were not there, even his parents didn’t go.
Now that my husbands father passed my son said to me he knows dad would have been upset and would have went to the funeral, my son thinks we should go to the funeral to represent his dad and pay our respects, I tend to agree, although I think I am way to caring, it is sad he passed away and I feel for them but I honestly don’t know how I feel about it but I’m not a tit for tat person I can’t just not go because they didn’t go to my husbands funeral.
I lost my mum and then my husband the only two people in my life that understood me that I could talk to.
My heart is shattered into a million pieces, I can’t function, I barely eat, have no motivation and still cry everyday.
Yes I’m talking to a psychologist regarding the panic and grief but it’s not helping.
I want people in my life that knew my husband that I can talk to but no one is interested.
I never in a million years thought I’d be this alone when my husband passed away.
I’m so alone I don’t know what to do
With Christmas fast approaching I tried to get all my 4 boys together on Boxing Day, we all have not been together at the sane time since my husbands funeral.
Again I must have been stupid, my eldest son as usual is busy.
I just thought seeing it’s the first Christmas without their dad that everyone would be here, I mean I’m their mum but it just didn’t work out.
I am dreading Christmas, I’ve been ven more upset and feeling down the closer Christmas gets.
It’s like I don’t seem to matter to anyone.
My husband battled with multiple lung illness and chronic pain for over 17 years.
He was in hospital being treated for low oxygen and chest infection was in there for 11 days then one day he just said he had enough and the hospital offered him end of life care, this was on a Friday and straight away they put it In place I had no time to think.
He passed away 4 days later.
I wish every single day that I would have told him to keep fighting or at least take 24 hours to think about it but I said nothing, I went along with what he wanted.
It was similar with my mum she had kidney failure but she was only sick for 8 months, a specialist in the hospital said she had no quality of life and mum went end of life care.
My 3 siblings never helped me with anything or with mums care, I had to organise her funeral by myself and then do my husbands funeral by myself as well.
When I say I am alone with no support that is really how it is.
I don’t know how to do this anymore, the constant grief and being alone
I don’t know how anyone gets thought this.
I lost my dad 12 years ago and had other losses as well, I thought I knew grief I thought I knew the sadness especially with the loss of my mum but losing my husband is a thousand times worse.
I don’t know what to do
Thanks for listening

Topic

[shaz]

Hi,
Wondering if someone can help with this.
I was receiving calls from Griefline about once every 3 weeks to a month.
These calls were set up as appointment sessions.
I have not received a call in about two and a half months.
I have emailed Griefline twice and called them but a volunteer answered and said they can not tell me what has happened but they will email the correct people.
So that’s now 3 emails Griefline would have received.
I also text messaged the person who usually messages me to set up appointment times.
They would usually reply but again I’ve heard nothing.
I dont know why no one will get back to me or why these sessions all of a sudden stopped.
The name of the person that use to call me is Bryan.
The last thing he said to me was he would look into what other groups are out there and get back to me, this was around two and a half months ago.
I feel like I’ve been left in the lurch with no explanation and no grief support.
Could someone get back to me please regarding this matter
Griefline would have my phone number and email address.
Is there a phone number to speak to the right person about this because all I have is the number that puts you onto someone to talk about your grief.
Is there a phone number that I can call the office and speak to someone who would know?
I really need this support and can’t get anyone to get back to me.
Thank you
Sharon Swann

[VM_MilkyStars_]

Dear Shaz,

Apologies for not giving you the following resources in time.

1. Grief Connect – 041 25 25 061 – Grief Connect is for those widowed. They have the support groups you are looking for.

2. Here is the link to our community and connections resource on our website. https://griefline.org.au/community-and-connections/
If you hit search for services in the state you are living in, you will be able to find something.

3. In case you are looking for more options where you can feel more connected please ring 4 Voices at 0427 244 685.
They have tele volunteers who will ring you and they also have some services where you can get (in-home) help.
This will help you with the social isolation aspect. This is available in NSW and I am not sure where you are located.

4. FLOURISH Australia 1300 779 270 (More Mental Health) and NAEMI National – Head to Health Phone Service 1800 595 212 who offer counselling and support services.

Please have a look at the above links and have a think about the different options and which ones might help you the most.

Do write in when you feel like chatting with us and call us at any time. We hope you are going okay. Take care!

[VM_MilkyStars_]

Dear Shaz,

The post you last posted has indicated that you are severely distressed. Staying inside your home with the door shut and your son being harsh at this time is heart breaking to hear. It is only human for you to experience the vulnerabilities you are experiencing right now. I hope that you are able to see how unfair your family is being at this time and find a way to be kind to yourself before you find yourself in a support group. While things are taking time please know that it will happen, you will find the support you are looking for. In the mean time, I would like to remind you that our call back service is available to be booked online. There are some other options.

1. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/national-mental-health-helplines-and-support-groups
When you copy and paste this link in your search browser, it will take you to the beyond blue website. Have a look and explore to see if this might be any help to you.

2. https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/
Here is another one.

3. Lifeline 131 114 is a 24/7 crisis line. You can also contact them if not facing a crisis.

4. https://www.anhca.org/findahousecentre
Your local Community Neighbourhood House (local council run) has many groups and one of them might be able to help.

Please book a callback service for multiple dates and times with Griefline when you can, it will help us get in touch with you when you are not getting in touch with us. I can see from your latest post that you are needing some help straight away and we are here to let you know we are always here for you. You are not alone. Once you find others with the same lived experience as yourself you will start to feel more connected.

In the meantime please listen to this guided meditation for Grief. Please copy paste the link and use headphones for a relaxing experience. If not you can still do it without headphones.

Coping with Grief: Guided Spoken Meditation for healing after a loss of a loved one

Please keep posting in this thread as we are here for you at Griefline. Take care!

[VM-Serenity66]

Dear @shaz,
The Christmas and holiday period has clearly been a very difficult one for you, in light of all that you have described.

If you would like to apply to reconnect with Griefline’s support groups, the form can be found at https://griefline.org.au/get-help/support-groups/

Please know that our Helpline is available for you from 8am-8pm everyday, if you need someone to talk to about any aspect of your grief. If things become more urgent for you and you feel that you are in crisis, please call Lifeline at any time of day on 13 11 14. If at any time you feel that your safety is in doubt, do not hesitate to call 000.

[shaz]

Yes I have told others I heed help I have been very open about it but I am ignore
It’s not like I haven’t told people or I’ve come across and being strong I’ve told people but it makes no difference
Please see my resent post I just put up
Thanks

[shaz]

Thank you
I’m still not doing good, worse in fact
See resent post I just did

[shaz]

Thank you for your kind words things are no better worse in fact please see my latest post
Yes I’ve told all my kids it makes no different and no the one that visits won’t talk to his brothers about this.

[shaz]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support sorry I can’t reply to you all separately.
Sorry I have not replied before now
I’m not doing good at all.
I try every day but sometimes I seem to go backwards
My eldest son went off at me, I haven’t seen him since my husband passed away nor my grandson I tried to arrange different things to meet up with them but it’s never good enough.
How does one deal with hurtful people when also going through grief?
My son was like this prior but I thought maybe all things considered he wouldn’t be like this after I lost my husband.
My husbands dying wish to all our boys was be there for mum
My son made me feel like a failure
Please don’t say his probably grieving Because that’s no excuse, when he says certain things and I try to say something to explain he says not up for discussion and I’m shut down.
I was in the past in Griefline zoom grief group but it took so long to get into I tried after my mum passed away and only got in after my husband passed away 17 months later.
I need to be in another group can someone help me get into one without the long wait, please.
Can’t I just be squeezed into one? 6 weeks is not enough with the groups I dont understand why they don’t run longer, how can there be a time limit on how long a group runs for? Had anyone thought of just one group that’s a drop in group for those that need it sometimes?
I have a person that calls me from Griefline they are lovely no complaints but I keep asking for fortnightly calls but it’s always 3 weeks even 4 weeks.
Unfortunately I had to cancel last one due to my husbands fathers funeral but I asked for them to get straight back to me with a new appointment but they haven’t yet.
Look I am desperate here,
I’m currently staying in my room with my door shut.
I can’t handle the letdowns and lack of support from family
I’m so hurt by things my son said when he phoned and the loss of my husband I really need to be able to re join a zoom grief group.
I need more support please.
Yes I speak to a phycologist but I need a group or more regular calls
It is not an option for me to join a face to face group somewhere else.
My son lectures me about not trying hard enough and it’s been nine months since my husband passed and just doesn’t understand and is downright hurtful.
I just need a group where others understand as I’m barely able to function
They say reach out don’t do it alone well this is me reaching out so could someone please help me?
Thanks

[VM_soulcat8]

Hi Shaz,

Thank you for your courage in reaching out and sharing your heart and experiences. I am deeply sorry for your losses – the passing of your closest people and the loss of connection. I wonder if you have asked your sons why they are not around? And I also wonder if you have contacted any of your friends who attended the funeral but are now absent. I ask these questions because I do relate to your experiences. I also was a long-term carer to my husband, who then passed away. It was astounding to me at how everyone faded away after the funeral. After 2 years of this experience, I started to question why this had happened and what could I do about it (rather than waiting for others or life to change). This was when I realised how strong and capable I was. After caring for my husband for so long, I was capable of facing any challenge. I gave off the message that I didn’t need other’s help. Others were able to hide in their discomfort of facing my grief because ‘she doesn’t need help, anyway’. I also learnt how frightened people can be by our grief. I learnt to ask my children for help and admit to my need of them to be here for me. On reflection, I wish I had voiced my need and vulnerability right from the start with friends and family. I wish I’d learnt to say, ‘I can’t’ when organising the funeral. I wished I’d cried a lot more and organised a lot less, but perhaps that is just my story.
The people you are missing are obviously important to you and I wonder if that means they are worth fighting for. Reaching out and saying you need them may a good step towards fighting for the relationships you want in your life.

[VM_MilkyStars_]

Hi Shaz,

It is indeed a great loss to have two loved ones pass away almost one after the other. You were already dealing with the passing of your father for long, before losing your mum and your husband. Feeling grief is one thing but to feel alone in all of this is a deeply saddening experience. It can feel as though you don’t know where the grief begins and where you end. This seamlessness of it all can make it deeply isolating, if that is possible at this point. You are enduring a lot and is completely unfair and invalidating that no one even wants to acknowledge where you are emotionally. It seems apathetic to have no one show up at this point.

But here is the thing though. Whether people show up or not for before and after the funeral does not take away from your experience. Others actions towards you is not a reflection of you. I will go so far as to say that it is a reflection of their poor humanity. It has nothing to do with you.

It is a deeply saddening experience to feel alone and unsupported after losing loved ones. Most importantly, as a loving and a caring person who has been a carer for her husband, it is unfair you are at the receiving end of this. It is very clear to see how much love, empathy and compassion you hold within you, if you are able care for someone for such a length of time and miss them after they passing. I really wish you are able to reach into this powerhouse of love you hold within yourself and offer yourself some of this. It is very kind of you that you entertain your children who do not wish to acknowledge your pain or loss. I hope that you remind yourself to offer this same kindness to yourself. I agree with you on how painful this time of the year can be. It is only reasonable of you to dread it.

When you sit down with a cup of tea next time, please remind yourself the amount of love you have had the opportunity to experience in this lifetime. This was only possible because of the depth you hold as person and the heart you have. While feeling grateful is hard while feeling sad, a reflection of the love you have had to share can warm your heart.

Please keep chatting to us and writing here Shaz. You are not alone. I am so glad you are you and not one of the people who have caused you so much pain. We are here for you at Griefline. Please call us when you feel alone and feel like talking. Take Care Xxx

[Author]

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