A different type of loneliness

[josie1972]

Hi,
My mum passed away in July. I passed thru, what I would define as Grief based Depression for about 4 months. I have a history of Depression & Anxiety. When I came out of it I returned to my life. But as life happens I wanted to be able to talk to someone about it all. In the past I would talk to mum. She understood me, supported and backed me. So I sort out friends to talk to about it all but it just wasn’t the same. They were more bar-hum-bug/nah sayers which then sent me into a tail spin. I worked thru it but now I feel more alone than ever.

I’ve felt lonely before. As a single mum, doing life on my own. Even with support from mum. I felt so alone in life for years. I came to terms with it and embraced it. I found strength but I at least had mum to talk to about stuff. Even just with her encouragement. She always looked on the bright side and rarely if ever looked for the downside of things (which I tend to do)

Now, having no one that really understands me to talk to, I’m holding it all in. I even started journaling and I hate journaling. It sorta helps in the moment but I just can’t work out how to ‘deal’ with this new sense of absolute loneliness.

I struggling to connect with people. I’m scared to go to deep because that’s always when they walk away so I tend to keep it on the surface. My mum was the only person that I had that deep connection with and now it’s gone I don’t know how to … be … in this new version of myself. I don’t know how to find people that I can get that connection.

I’m going to be moving. I can’t stay where I am without her. I’m buying land and building a new home, moving to a completely new place, near a place I’ve been before but new. My plan is to completely revamp my life. Will be about 18 months time before it all happens and I want to figure myself out so that I can be ready to start again… I’ve spent a lifetime battling mental health, I’ve done much therapy and have worked hard on myself to be functional in society. This journey is not new to me, working to change myself, working to overcome my limitations and life’s hurdles.

This one is just so … intense by comparison. I need to learn to trust myself, to let go of the need to check my decisions with others. – Actually I think that is key. I’ve journaled this one for days. But writing it here has helped.

Thanks for reading and listening

Topic

[josie1972]

Thank you. I have a session booked for tomorrow.

[VS_Luna]

Hi Josie,

I’m so deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your mum that passed away only over 4 month ago, I can’t imagine how fresh your feelings are right now and I truly appreciate your courage in writing your post here.

From what I’ve read I can say that you’re a strong women. Being a single mum, doing life on your own, battling mental health and embracing it. It’s powerful and inspirational.

We are all humans and we all have the need of connection and love. It seems clear for me that you and your mother shared a very close and significant bond, you were complementing each other (by looking on both sides of the spectrum) and now this deep connection is not longer on the physical level. I personally believe that spiritually your mum has been always sharing this connection with you ❤️

For many people (including myself) it feels scary to connect on a deeper level with other people for many reasons and I totally can relate. It takes courage to be vulnerable and open up to someone new who has a right to walk away. The interesting side of my personal grieving journey was surprisingly finding connection with completely strangers by talking about my loss and exploring their pain in their losses. It’s paradox, but grief opening to us this opportunity to connect with people on the most deepest levels.

I understand you’re feeling alone right now, please know we are here for you at Griefline on 1300 845 745 (available 8 am to 8 pm, 7 days a week) or book a call to speak to a trained volunteer to talk about all that you need to. Also, I know that our emotions worsen at night, in which case Lifeline is a 24 hour support line that you can call at 13 11 14 whenever you’re feeling afraid.

Your plans for the new start sound exciting and seems so brave to me. Please feel free to share more here, and we are as community here to support you. Always.

[Author]

Replies