Dear davot7,
I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your beloved British Blue. It comes across in your post as an incredibly traumatic event for you and that the last few weeks have been very trying physically, emotionally and mentally.
I lost my beloved Chartreux 15 weeks ago. He was a lovely blue gray boy. He was only 3.5 yrs old.
I can totally understand everything you are going through. Just in a different context of passing. I empathise with you on a great scale.
First off, all your feelings are incredibly valid.
Your relationship with each of your cats are individual, unique and one of a kind, even when you all live as a family unit. It is ok to feel and notice the differences between your relationships. It doesn’t mean you love either one more or less then each other. You are just feeling your beloved cat who has passed more right now. To have the reciprocation simply cut off, it a devastating and confronting thing as a cat parent. And your cat was physically sick and you had to continually make decisions for their health. But you made all of those choices out of love.
3 days is a drop in the ocean when it comes to grief. I am still having such a hard time. We invest a bit of our brain, a bit of our heart and a bit of our soul into every furry family member we have. And when they pass they remain belonging to them. And those things that were invested 24/7 for the time that you have them are still investing in them,even though we know they have passed. It is ingrained in us and the only thing we have known day in and day out for years. It is something only time and repetition and processing your grief fully will ease.
I just wanted to tell you, if you try every single day, you are doing your best and that is enough. Eating even though you don’t want to, sleeping normal patterns, exercising to get out adrenaline and self-care is important right now. Talking to people who understand is also important. And crying when and wherever you are, as much as you want is quite simply OKAY!
Right now you no doubt repeating the last few days of your beloveds life. It is important to recognize that these days were not your cats life. And when the shock wears off and acceptance becomes more tolerable, you may find yourself looking at your photos and triggering good memories.
Shock is going to last for awhile. It makes you cold, it makes you dazed and confused, it can make your body physically ache and make you want to sleep in a fetal position. It may also make you want to do nothing at all.
Shock confuses our thinking, so please don’t make any big decisions for awhile. It can also distort our thoughts. Don’t go there with “What If’s?”. It isn’t a fair fight. Don’t let guilt stay for too long. And don’t feel pushed by anyone to “Get Over” it or “Move On”. You have lost a member of your family who has probably been there for you more then alot of the humans in your life. You need to feel the loss and respect your cats life. You have loved them sooo well. That is why it is so hard.
Please be aware that your other cat will be feeling the loss of it’s sibling. They probably knew that they were sick. Animals are smart like that. But they also grieve too. So as hard as it is in your sorrow, please remember that they are there, they love you and they need you too. I have a dog,that I have to keep reminding myself, I need to get out of bed for on those hard days. My dog did look for my cat for days after he passed.
Photos and video clips set me off for weeks, so it is okay not to want to constantly see photos or watch videos until YOU are ready. Unfortunately there is no rule book for grief and you & your partner’s will be different from each others. But they are both valid.
What you are unfortunately forced to do is now deal with which ever stage of grief you are in as each day comes. I call mine tornados. Others have called theirs tsunamis. Sometimes they collide with each other and sometimes I feel nothing, numbness. I call that being in the eye of the storm. Because I know it isn’t over and is coming back. I don’t think too far ahead and I don’t pretend around others. My grief is valid and I don’t need to hide it like it is a secret.
Love is a beautiful thing and you have loved a pretty special cat who loved you back. Hold onto that.Be proud of that.
If it get’s to hard, please consider seeing your GP,who maybe able to refer you to a psychologist to talk things through.
In times of great pain it is more then okay to ask for help. It is hard not to see them everywhere. You also think you hear them and don’t realize the secondary losses are our routines with them. I have never missed changing the kitty litter so much in my entire life. I can’t even look at it as I go down the pet aisle at the supermarket.
I am also here if you need to chat. Just keep posting.
P.S. I brought a wooden customised tealight holder with my cat’s name engraved on it so I can light candles for him. Etsy and places like that can do lots of beautiful memorial things. If photos trigger you, something like this can help ease you into it and keep that love connection or enduring connection they talk about.
I hope I have helped even if it is one tiny step.
All the best,
ABC01
