Grieving both parents: death plus ambiguous loss

Hello everyone,

I have just joined this community in the hope that it helps to share with people who understand what I’m currently experiencing… Before I go any further, I want to express my sympathy for whatever form of grief and loss that you, too, are trying to process.

My dad (known as Pa, aged 84) died in October, and my mum (known as Ma, also 84) is in the advanced stages of dementia. Together, they were my rock for over 40 years, and I’ve been dealing with ambiguous grief since my mum was diagnosed in 2022, around which time my dad was also becoming “elderly”. Suddenly, I and my sister were their carers, and I am exhausted from years of “parenting” them in every aspect of their lives whilst also parenting my (thankfully older) children. I’m a fulltime solo parent who also works fulltime. I miss having actual parents looking out for me so much, even though I’ve now had years to slowly adjust. I feel silly about that, because I’m a middle-aged woman, but that inner child just wants her folks to give her a big hug and ask how her day was 🙁

I thought all that anticipatoy grief would have prepared me for Pa’s death, but I am shocked by its impact. I feel like I have these invisible impairment now – memory loss, struggling with decision-making and problem-solving, and feeling like I want to curl into a protective, safe shell, which is impossible. The sadness is unbearable some of the time, but these extra layers of brain- and sometimes personality-changes have taken me by surprise.

I still have to get up every day and function and plan, so I do, and I still need to visit my mum and deal with that heartbreak of spoon-feeding her, and knowing I have to go through the whole business of her actual, final death too is beyond comprehension.

Thankyou for reading, and maybe someone out there can say “I understand”, and that will help.

Many many hugs to you all xxx