Living with grief and impending disaster

Dear nannyrho,

First I just wanted to say thank you for sharing something so painful and complex. What you and your husband have been through is unimaginably heavy. Losing your wonderful daughter to suicide is a devastating loss on its own, and to be living alongside your son’s severe mental illness, addiction, and ongoing crises at the same time sounds exhausting and frightening. Having to be in a sitation where you are carrying grief while constantly anxious about the possibility of another emergency is an unbearable way to live, and it’s clear how much love and pain you’ve been holding onto all that time.

Your feelings — the anger, the unfairness, the thoughts you feel you shouldn’t be saying out loud — are all deeply human responses to prolonged trauma and loss. Having those thoughts does not mean you are a bad parent or a bad person. They are often the voice of exhaustion, trauma, and heartbreak — not a reflection of your values or love. Wanting to protect yourselves, your other children, and your grandchildren while still caring about your son is an impossible bind — and there are no perfect answers. You didn’t cause your daughter’s illness or her death, and you didn’t cause your son’s schizophrenia. You deserve support too and I hope you continue to keep sharing here. About your daughter, about the fear around your son, or about the things that feel too hard to say elsewhere. You don’t have to hold all of this alone and I hope you can find some support and comfort here.

Dear nannyrho,

I’m deeply moved by the unbearable pain and heartbreak you’re experiencing. Losing a child to suicide is a tragedy beyond words. I would like to acknowledge the weight of the grief you carry for your daughter and offer my compassion for that. At the same time, navigating your son’s mental health struggles and the impact it has on your family is incredibly challenging. It’s quite understandable that you would feel overwhelmed, worried, and even conflicted about your emotions.

I would like to observe that you have not done anything to deserve this. Complex mental health issues affect families for medical reasons, not moral ones, and if you deserve anything, then it is support and understanding. Please know that your feelings are not wrong or shameful. It’s okay to feel anger, frustration, and even resentment towards your son’s behavior, especially when it affects your other children and grandchildren. At the same time, it’s sensible of you to prioritise your safety and well-being, as well as that of your family. Seeking professional help and support for your son, while also setting boundaries to protect yourselves, is very important.

If you haven’t already, it might be useful to consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor who specialises in grief, trauma, and support for complex mental health. Families need a lot of support too for coping with the stress, anxiety and complex emotions surrounding a situation such as your son’s. Remember, you’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to ask for help. Connecting with support groups for families dealing with mental health issues can provide a sense of community and understanding. SANE Australia (https://www.sane.org/) has forums and online support groups that can help to support families in your situation. Be gentle with yourself. Griefline is here to support you when you feel ready to have an anonymous supportive conversation on the Helpline (1300 845 745) about what has happened and is happening to you and your family.