Feel like I failed

Hi @alicecat. I too am grieving the loss of a young companion and I’m battling a lot of the same feelings you are. So I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. We recently lost our two-year-old pooch Bronze and there are so many emotions I’ve been grappling with. Reading your story, and that of others on this forum, it’s amazing how we can have such similar feelings.
Like Alice, Bronze required a lot of work, but he repaid us in spades. He was naturally distrustful and anxious to the point of aggressive around other dogs, but he became an absolute delight of a dog who loved us so much. He went from being a total wild child who a dog trainer said there was no shame or failure in giving him away, to being such a good boy you could take for lovely calm walks around the neighbourhood. He learnt so much and came such a long way that it’s gutting to think that we poured so much love and energy into Bronze over the last 9 months and he never got to enjoy a long happy life. Like you, I’ve lost pets before, but because Bronze was so young with so much life ahead of him, this really hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
Also like you, and like so many other pet owners I’ve heard from or read about, I have endured the guilt and second guessing of what-ifs. Bronze swallowed something that got stuck in his intestine and the vet said removing it would have been an incredibly risky operation with little prospect of success. So we made the decision to put Bronze to sleep. And despite a lot of people telling us we did the right thing and not to blame ourselves, there’s still nagging thoughts trying to creep in. Did we make the right decision? Could we have got him to the vet sooner and would that have made any difference? I’ve even blamed myself for not protecting him from whatever it was he ate. In fact, I used the exact same words as you did. I felt like I failed him. How were you to know that there were other treatment regimes that might have more success? But we don’t have hindsight when we take our actions. What we do have is love for our pets and the knowledge that everything we do for them is because we love them and care for them so much. Sometimes so much it hurts. It’s hard for me to say don’t blame yourself when I’m having many of those same feelings myself, but that is part of the journey, to let go of those thoughts while holding on to the enormous love and longing we have for our pets. And that’s how we honour their memories – not with doubts and regrets, but with the memories of how much love we shared.