Guilt and Grief

Lost my dad yesterday after several years of him battling illness. A few weeks ago palliative support were engaged and provided some services around the home but he deteriorated quickly. Things escalated this week and after an ambulance trip he ended up in the ED and then on to a palliative ward.

I know it’s early on and I’m pragmatic enough to know that the things I feel are still very raw and normal, but I am going through it. The guilt of the situation is wrecking me. The eagerness of the ED staff to get me to agree to send him to the palliative ward rather than treat was confronting and traumatic. Once there he was gone within 2 days.

It’s causing me a lot of pain right now which I’m sure i’ll learn to cope with. I had a conversaton with a family member who had a similar experience several years ago and still suffers from guilt but says it becomes manageable and sometimes is just something we have to carry and is normal for these circumstances.

I know things will get easier, I expected his passing to hurt but I didnt really see myself being so actively involved in the proceedings and for all of this guilt to come with it too. I’ve been good to my dad but in the last couple of months there’s been times were I’ve been short with him too, mostly from the stress of providing care and it’s all a lot to deal with right now. I can’t stop thinking of all of those times. I just hope in time I can replace these thoughts with all of the good times we had instead.