It is hard to come home.

Dear Shelia,

Thank you for your kindness and support in your reply.

I am so sorry about your beloved’s passing. It is so hard to lose them anyway that you do. It must have been hard to see your beloved cat being sick. Please know cats and dogs are notorious for hiding illnesses from humans and that it isn’t your fault for how Felix passed. You got them the best care when you knew.

I am here to support you too. Please do keep reaching out.

I think the only way to not feel like we do,is just push through it. It sounds so generic,but home is the place our cats loved the most. It is where they felt safest and where we were with them. They were waiting for us to get home. I don’t think they would want us to dislike or hate the place that is so filled with love. And if we stay still and quiet for a moment,we might just hear an echo of that. The love.

I have journaled down in just a small A5 notebook,any memories that are bringing back emotions and writing them down for that day,when they hit me. Even though they are provoking these intense feelings of sadness and being lost without them,perhaps one day that will be a book of proud moments I spent with them and to cherish them. And having written them down,means I can’t forget them and that they may start producing thoughts of love and smiles instead. You can give it a go and stop if you don’t like it.

4 weeks of illness and then 3 weeks of mourning isn’t a long time in the slightest. Please know your loss is so fresh and raw and that it is simply okay to feel anything and everything that you do. Because in the end,it is all coming from an intense and cherished love. As cat parents, to know that love and suddenly the reciprocation is cut off, is crushing. To have had that joy and unconditional love is a gift in this crappy world. But to say goodbye to one of the greatest loves of your life is simply heartbreaking. And takes alot of time.

I wonder if you have considered making a shadow box of your cats favourite things. At night I kiss my cats picture and say goodnight and let’s have a good nights sleep together. I talk to his picture too. Just to tell him I am sorry, I love him, I miss him. But I don’t regret a second together. I also tell him about my day and how I am feeling. Mostly I feel lost. Lost without him.

Perhaps when you can, you could print out your favourite photos of them and moments you had together. Not small 6×4, but bigger ones and put them, where they happened. They will be where you can see them. I have one of my cat in his cat tunnel with about 6 toys around it. That always makes me feel glad that he was happy and playful. It makes a connection to him. My mental health professional asked me to make a copy of a photo on my phone and then edit in a heart on the copy. It is now my lock screen and everytime I see it,the heart reminds me to love, not relive the horrible day he passed.

Don’t worry about what you should do with Felix’s things. You may have another cat in your house. I had to put Major’s things outside in the shed as it was too painful to see. He managed to get things in nearly every room of the house. But they are still in the shed. No one is to touch them,not until I have decided what to do with them. And pet grief sites, suggest not making decisions about that until 6-12 months have passed,as not to have any regrets. Slowly new things are going in the place of his things. I don’t like it, but I sit with the discomfort until it eases.

My sisters husband got a cushion with their cat printed on it for her to cuddle after her cat passed. It helped her.
Know everyday is different. You may sense her again today. Perhaps you might hear a bell, feel something on your leg when you are in bed or something shifts out the corner of your eye. Maybe she is visiting you in your dreams.

It is okay to be lost. I am. But it is also okay to be found again. In your own time. I spoke to another lady on a different forum and she lost her cat around the same time as mine. She now has a lovely new fur family member and I am happy for her. She felt lonely and that her house was empty and it was time to fill it again. So when she was ready she did.

I didn’t vacuum parts of my house for 6 months because I didn’t want to remove him. But even after the vacuum,his fur is still in the carpet,weaved into the curtains and hidden behind my furniture. He will remain.

I hope you can find comfort in my words. You are not alone either. Felix is lucky that you were their cat parent. Your post is evident with love for her. Your feelings of grief are valid too. Don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise. And there certainly isn’t a timeframe or timeline either. I am having a much harder time than I ever had before. So you do you.

Sending you a great big hug,
ABC01

Thank you VM-Loki23,

I am sorry to hear how you lost your loved cat. I just can’t see myself being able to get another cat anytime soon.
His name is Major. He was a grey Chartreux mix cat. I have only ever rescued animals in my life,mostly from people I know around me and for the first time, I got to choose my animal and I chose him. From the moment I opened the carrier at home,he and I were soulmates. We both imprinted pretty hard. I chose a kitten because I had just lost an elderly cat and didn’t want the pain of grief again,for a very long time. 15 years at least. But I only got 3.5 years and am here in grief again. I would not take back a single second of that time,but I would give everything I have to have him back and live those stolen years together. The fact that I got to choose him is hard to feel too. I don’t know if I have the confidence or courage to be able to do this again.

Today,someone put on youtube for the budgies. They are a new addition to our household,and not mine or to my liking. They are someone else’s pets and I am jealous that they get to have there pets and I can’t have mine. But it reminded me of Major watching Cat Tv on youtube. He even had a favourite video of mice and knew the sound, when it played and would come running.
I have never had a cat who watched tv before. And he loved it. So I will hold that memory close to my heart today.

Thank you for your reply.
Everyone means alot when you are talking about the one you love.
ABC01

Thank you VM_ally12,

I am trying. And that is all I can do.
I can’t accept the circumstances of his death,because it shouldn’t have happened. No matter what I say or do. Scream, throw things at a wall, beg a higher being or barter with my own life. Nothing will bring him back. That I know and understand.

But the negligence and then the injustice that wasn’t my fault or in my control is a huge slap in the face daily. The fact his life was taken from him,hits hard.And I don’t know how other people have dealt with this and then moved forward. We didn’t do anything wrong,but we are the ones who suffer from the consequences. The other people involved just walk away and probably haven’t thought of him since. I can take pride in the life I lived with him on a daily basis,but that was robbed from us,and I am left to pick up the pieces and I don’t know how. So when I miss him, I also feel guilt. Guilt I didn’t know and stop it from happening. I am not to blame, but I feel I let him down that day. He came before everything in my life,but he is gone now. And I feel like I don’t really have a life anymore. That is heavy and I am sorry.

Until I can figure out how to make sense of that day in my values,ethics and beliefs. I am a little stuck.
But people are offering suggestions and I am grateful for that. And to be heard. So thank you.
I have the hotline number.
ABC01