Death of my grandmother

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 9 months ago by vmpercy.

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July 11, 2023 at 2:50 pm #25938

stareyeddreamer
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On 1 June 2023, I got a phone call from my grandfather to say that my grandma was taken to hospital in the morning as she was struggling to breathe. I live three hours away from them and I hurried up to Sydney. When I got there, the doctors told us that they recommend a DNR as Grandma was too sick. She died 9:34pm that night. I am struggling with her death so much. I miss her so so much. She wasn’t even sick, there was no warning. My grandfather needs so much help – he can live by himself, but he’s never cooked or clean or even used the washing machine. He is a lot to deal with as it is.

It’s the aftermath of her death that I am struggling with. My birth mother – her daughter- has been out of our lives for 22 years (I’m 36).My grandad asked my sister and I to find her. I did. She lives in the US. My sister called her and told her the news. Her first comment was to say that she was told not to contact the family. She was referring to a letter I sent to her and I said in it to never contact me, never email me or visit me. I never once said the family, it was me. it just goes to show that even after all these years, she’s still manipulative. I have no idea why she hates me so much. I have no idea why she still hates me. I was a good kid, I was valedictorian, I went to university, I was never in trouble, never did drugs, never even had alcohol until I was 18. I’m never good enough for her and I have no idea why.

I am struggling so much with this and it would have been my grandma that would be talking me down and resassuring me that I am good and I am enough. I have a wonderful husband, but he doesn’t know how to help me. He grew up in a perfect family with perfect parents. My dad is amazing, but even he says that I just need to forget it. My grandma would have known what to say to me. I miss her. I need her here to help me.
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July 18, 2023 at 2:15 pm #26001

vmpercy
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Hey there, stareyeddreamer,

I can’t even begin to imagine how tough this situation must be for you. It’s such a complicated web of loss, unexpected responsibilities, and old wounds resurfacing. It’s completely okay and natural to feel the way you do. no one could ever prepare for such a situation. Your grandmother seems to have been a beacon of reassurance in your life, and her absence must be painful. It sounds like she helped you develop strength and reassurance over the years.

Have you ever tried journaling your feelings? It can be a cathartic experience. You might even write a letter to your grandma in your journal, expressing everything you’re going through. It might help you feel closer to her and help you recall her comforting words. I second the earlier recommendation about reaching out to a professional counsellor or therapist, they can help you navigate these turbulent emotions. Please remember to take care of yourself, physically and mentally. Simple things like eating right, getting sleep, and setting aside some “me time” can be surprisingly helpful. And remember, reaching out for support, like you’ve done here, is a strong move. We’re all here for you, whenever you need us.

July 18, 2023 at 10:46 am #25999

VM-Luna
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Hello Staryeyeddreamer,

It sounds overwhelming for you with the passing of your grandma and the needs of your grandfather, along with the refreshing of your complex feelings about your mother. It is good that your husband and father are supportive even if they don’t understand your feelings. Have you reached out to your GP for support?
When a parent leaves the family and child/ren, it is never about the child/ren, you have done nothing wrong, and her leaving is not a reflection of your goodness or worthiness. It is not the child’s fault when a parental relationship breaks down, especially when children are young (as you were).
I can hear how much you miss your Grandma’s wise counsel and the insecurities about yourself, and how she would have the right words to help you remember who you really are, your Grandma still lives within your heart and mind, her voice can still be heard through your self-talk, her voice can be your internal wise counsel, even if she is not physically here.
As mentioned above, we are here to support you when you need us, please reach out either through this portal, or by calling us directly.
Wishing you well

July 12, 2023 at 10:04 am #25939

VMPatch
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Hello stareyeddrea
I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma. It sounds like she was a very important person in your life – someone who gave you the love and support you needed. Given how significant she was to you it is no surprise that you are missing her support and help. I wonder what she would be saying to you and how she would be comforting you in your pain if she was here? It is good that you are reaching out for some support during this very difficult time.
There is some information on our website that you might like to read under he resources tab

Fact sheets

There is also a booklet that you may like to show your husband on supporting someone in grief. A partner can feel helpless when they see someone they love in pain and may not be sure how to help. Here is a link to the booklet.

How to support a grieving friend ebook

Another option is to ring the Griefline Helpline to talk with a trained volunteer on 1300 845 745 ( 8am to 8pm Mon to Fri) or you can book a call by clicking the button the the top left side of our webpage below.

Home

Your grandma had faith in you and that will stay with you. I encourage you to keep seeking support
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Death of my grandmother

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