My sweet Sayge

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This topic has 83 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 7 months ago by Moon.

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June 22, 2022 at 2:45 pm #21196

debsayge
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Dearest broken people,
I have met some of you already so thankyou so far for all your sharing and caring empathy….
So far I’ve been unable to tell and still am as I feel too traumatised with disbelief … so this is an outpouring of this Mumma to my girl, hoping it’s ok to do this way and not undermining anyone else for how they express… I’m the hope to feel heard and seen…
My darling girl I’m sure that you watching me now would say I love you so much Mumma!I understand, I see you!! Even though Now that the rest of the world does not!!
I miss you up in the early hrs, photographing the dawn to excitedly show me when I got up or a flower just opened, which you would later be picking to make the beautiful bunches with Archer for your farm gate shop, which from the money raised would pay for all your treasured animal feed, always taking great pride in decorating their little homes with cherry blossom branches and lush greens from our garden which you and Archer tended with so much effort and Joy!! I miss Luna and Ron (Harry Potter people) which became your names for each other, Ron for Archers strawberry blond hair and funny character and Luna for just you being yourself not into being anything but you and the long white blond hair, I miss watching you platt it every night so you’d have the waves you envied in your brothers….I miss our talks when you’d often snuggle in bed with me and telling me how safe you felt in my arms, you are my flowers mummy, thank you Mumma you always help me, I can’t talk to anyone like I can to you…i miss you always in the kitchen preparing our food together and your appreciation for it all, I miss you saying I’ll always help you Mumma, cause you need me….i haven’t even managed to clean the house now!! At all….I miss my little darlings chatting with bill and toffee ( our 2 soft toy Bilbys made by daddy) about all kinds of silly nonsense and toff calling me yummy I love you too, I miss walking past your room late at nights and sitting listening to my kids breathe peacefully as I’d sit and say sleep with all my love my precious ones( my kids always slept together) or before that just listening to all the funny stuff and their joyful laughter until finally they’d sleep….I miss watching you write in your journals (since about 6) which start with words like “diary 16 of my beautiful life” and ending with words like I will continue to be grateful every moment of my sparkling life….I miss you always being on my side and saying don’t worry about your mean family you’ve us now and we are always together, and I miss you honouring that togetherness always…..I miss our special christmases always filled with months of preparations and so much joy, months of Christmas carols, our birthdays which went for a week and I miss the cakes you made covered with flowers just like Mumma always made for you all….I so miss you playing piano with so much heart your piano teacher would always call you the girl with the beautiful hands….I miss watching you try so hard at karate and gaining your black belt with Archer….I miss you doing ballet with such dedication! I miss you riding your horses with archer and being so careful not to hurt them….I miss your dedication to animal communication, natural horsemanship…. I miss you looking deeply into my eyes with such trust….and then!!for her 18th birthday a heart wrenching diagnosis after she thought she’d hurt her knee, she hadn’t, she is always much to careful of herself, I never worried when she’d climb to the top of the trees…..then we were flung into that horrible adult hospital, and really should have been allowed in the childrens as although 18 only a little girl at heart…then she lost her beautiful hair….now stuck in a wheelchair for 3 months and frightened into not moving!! That leg!! Then when the poisons failed they heartlessly told her she’d need to sign this(first time signing) to sacrifice her left leg to live!! So she did so courageously but with so much fear and loss I don’t believe ican ever get past this trauma this horror, I understand you all know here, she was so devastated but still up on those crutches and outside to do everything…!!!.this was followed by abandoning hosp they had nothing for us and she hated them all, me too….we did everything alternative possible….months and months of many things everything be done to Sayge, I felt!! People don’t understand this, we didn’t see this coming!!!we thought we were safe!!! yet here we are like you in the devastation of our loss and no direction a catastrophic tragedy….we would love another family to connect with our small farm and us with my beautiful broken-hearted boy, and this totally broken Mumma…
Grateful to you all I know you all here are just as lost and so alone….I promise to empathise with you all …And deeply honour your pain…
With love to all Deb Angel Sayge
Xx
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August 31, 2023 at 4:17 pm #26295

Moon
Participant

August 31, 2023 at 4:05 pm #26290

Moon
Participant

Hello my dear friend, it’s been a while. I don’t know what compelled me to log in again, think my son must have nudged me.
Tears still relentless, how are you going? I replied to a new grieving mum just now.
As always a song from me to you xx

March 23, 2023 at 10:29 pm #24566

debsayge
Participant

Yes Moon, all those years of care love fear terror, now it’s just the horror we are left with, that it’s our darlings……every rage and every tear over and over is our desperate searing love for our babies…and .and honours our love for our children. Clara says in one of her short talks, child loss needs it’s own catagory, as there’s no end to the pain we feel, they are part of us as mothers, we’ve lost ourselves, that’s what people do not understand….and why the pain is impossible to bare…..and especially dear Moon in these horrifying illnesses…. I think about you in that place of yr after terrifying year , often, I think we hold our breath all that time…… this is now us breathing out of course it’s angry, we’ve every right to be and we are, you are not alone in this Moon, see some of the stories posted on her site, there are many of us and it’s important to know they mostly feel as we do, and not afraid to say so…..it’s way to hard alone
Honestly love to you and Your Jeremy
XxDeb

March 23, 2023 at 9:46 pm #24565

Moon
Participant

Hi deb, thinking of you always, merde, 14 months, still wake in early hours, walk in his bedroom at 3am, to check for 10 years, but he is dead

March 23, 2023 at 9:21 pm #24564

debsayge
Participant

Hello to all grieving people, so sad we are all even here in our despair….
Hello dear Moon, really just letting you know I’m always holding you in my heart, and thankful to you for staying with me….I wanted to ask you if there was a chance we could connect directly, if you’d just like to chat on the phone maybe (I find talking exhausting but I’m sure you’d get that) if you’d like us to maybe we could ask the facilitators??? I really wish to keep in touch and quite certain you don’t have many to talk with, same as me…..
Also just wished to share that I’ve found another site, specific to child loss called silent grief.com by Clara Hinton, has also a book, which I’ve ordered, there is also a support group which I am considering for more support as I’ve none, same group, it is helping me feel not as crazy as I read and listen to other mothers share. Clara is a bereaved mumma twice, I feel she’s so very insightful and more importantly, to me, reverent in her manner of sharing her hard earned wisdom, anyway maybe have a watch n see how it sits…..
I just feel such desperation to find some understanding that her words are from a deep deep understanding and care for our child loss I’m hoping you find something in there too….
Much love to you for our enduring this pain
Let me know if you wish to
XxDeb

February 16, 2023 at 1:03 pm #24320

debsayge
Participant

Dear Moon,
Sitting here, reading your message, a beautiful wedge tail eagle flys above, and around me, thankyou Sayge….grateful to you for staying with me, totally get the lack of capacity, we are just so drained of anything giving, however we do keep trying when we can and here we know we are heard, non judgementally, seen and acknowledged, to endure another day……or even this moment, here, we are giving to others who we may just help a little…..I’ve been going to mums, just gardening for her, being a very troubled relationship though it’s hard for me as she’s so not able to show kindness etc, and there I never feel safe, it’s just a loving act to support her frailty, I hope on some deep level it’s helping, all about giving love, as I said I go when I feel capable…..
Yes always outside, really quiet not much to say just looking up communing with all I see and feel helping my Archer as he creates, such an emptiness in our days, without our funny chatty oh so gracious humble Sayge, the missing is endless…..
Thinking of you
Thinking of Jeremy, and you all getting through their birth day.
Such sadness for such a loving mother Moon.
If you are the crazy bird lady, I think I’m the wandering weeping weeder.
So better that than some closed off hardened heart I say….
May our hearts lead the way
Wherever that may be
XxDeb

February 15, 2023 at 6:47 pm #24318

Moon
Participant

https://au.video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=AwrKC1vljexj8dIhnw825gt.;_ylu=c2VjA3NyBHNsawN2aWQEZ3BvcwMx?p=winterbourne+sunrise&vid=b0ba3beebf1bc5e36b521bb4c1b714ef&turl=https%3A%2F%2Ftse3.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOVP.C44mPI9jBBcAd-EWrvCKqgHgFo%26pid%3DApi%26h%3D360%26w%3D480%26c%3D7%26rs%3D1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DzfA5UfffCg0&tit=%3Cb%3EWinterbourne%3C%2Fb%3E+%7C+%3Cb%3ESunrise%3C%2Fb%3E+%28Acoustic%29&c=0&sigr=AbAR.Cm9GEIK&sigt=FImtDrHcr7L2&sigi=Nfy7KjdV6zSI&fr=p%3As%2Cv%3Av&h=360&w=480&l=319&age=1393482030&fr=mcafee&type=E211US1451G0&tt=b

February 15, 2023 at 6:31 pm #24317

Moon
Participant

Hi Deb, oh yes please absolutely claim that orb of rainbow colours as Sayge orbiting you ! I know I sounded like a crazy bird lady, but even every butterfly that comes near me, I say out loud ‘thank-you Jeremy’. I know you find your peace in nature also, that’s the only place I can receive any ‘signs’. If anyone else says to me ‘your child would want you to be happy’ I’d have nothing to say, (but a thousand swear words going through my head haha) but when I get these little gifts, I prefer to think of my son saying how much he loved to see me smile, and wants to see it again. He understands my anguish, is with me constantly, but I do feel a little lighter when I let myself just be for a minute.
You are always in my thoughts, but I suppose I just got sick of listening to myself, so stopped posting. I’m someone who would reply to every post, in the past, but don’t have capacity anymore, I can only relate to bereaved parents now. That’s how I noticed Gracie’s post, you both lost your teenage daughters, same age as I did, my son.
omg he should be 21 next week, how is his twin sister going to cope? I’d have so much more to share if you were sitting beside me, will try to find another song instead x

February 15, 2023 at 4:58 pm #24316

debsayge
Participant

Thank you dear moon,
Such a sweet surprise to see a msg, really it means so much your acts of kindness, I know you know that too….
I understand what you mean, no words left, you feel crazy repeating the same sad thoughts….I often wonder if I’m the only one that feels so incapable, of anything really, anything much…..and then the I’m just hopeless things come in which is just really horrible, I’m sure you know….
I hold on and hope this pain is taking me somewhere deep in my heart…..
Please share if you’ve had any dreams or signs, as this helps in a weird way….I speak to Sayge all the time as you would to darling Jeramy, I’m trying to trust she’s here right by me, and I KNOW she understands my anguish…..just find that sentiment from so many, she’d want you to be happy!! Really!!! That just grates on me, such a painful platitude, another guilt trip…. Ask any beautiful caring mother who’s lost, the only place our children should be is safe here with us……. Tucked in bed…….
I did have an amazing experience recently (outside where I’m always) surrounded by (I’d say) a brilliant orb of beautiful rainbow colours (like looking through a calidascope) to my left and spiraling into my heart area…. I know, it’s amazing, but also as you know not enough, not for us broken down mummas…..
Anyway something to share, it holds me, and just hoping by sharing perhaps you or others may feel to, or to just bring some hope….my precious Sayge, I’m always loving you….thinking of Jeremy, I hope they are around us..
Always holding your hand Moon, don’t ever feel alone
XxDeb

February 14, 2023 at 3:24 pm #24300

Moon
Participant

Hi Deb, thinking of you today and all the beautiful flowers you Sayge and Archer would have at your garden stall. Pick up a bunch for yourself hey.
I just replie to Gracie’s post, who lost her teenage child recently, like us. I had to send her that quote about grieving mothers frome Joanne that you sent me straight away. I havent watched the video “VM” sent all the way through yet (short attention span, in between tears). How are you going? I can’t find any more words to describe how I am, much love
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My sweet Sayge

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