Lost my dad

On the 20/11/2025 my father had a COPD episode. He had been suffering with this disease for 5yrs & I was the main person that cared for him & woke at godly hrs to call an ambulance & help him till they arrived. So on 20 November at 420am I woke to him struggling to breath in the toilet. I rand 000 & ambulance was on its way. I hung up & then had to call back as he turned around, lifted the toilet seats, sat down closed his eyes stopped breathing & I couldn’t feel a heartbeat. I was on by to 000 by that stage & they asked if I could get him off the toilet to do CPR. I tried to lift him but he was so heavy. I yelled at him “Don’t you fucking dare, dad don’t please don’t”. The ambo team showed up as I was trying to support his body from falling. They got him off & into our spare room where they did everything to bring him back. They did & transported him to Caboolture Hospital. I was a mess & had to contact family. When he was moved to ICU we went up to be by his side. From that day we fought the hospital over his care & the lack of communication. We activated Ryans Rule so many times & had several meeting with staff over Dad’s care. We spent 8+ hrs every day by his side & helped with keeping him cool, talking to him, making staff aware of things that needed doing. The whole thing was frustrating & heartbreaking. My dad ending up passing away 2wks later after we make the hardest decision to let him go.
Since the situation happened in our home & no longer visit him in hospital I’ve really been struggling. I’ve had to see my doc to get sleeping medication but that isn’t helping at all after just one dose. I feel I failed my dad in not helping him & letting him know everything will be ok. I can’t get the visuals out of my head & his words saying ” this it is, im gone”. He has said that in the past but this time it became true. I don’t know if I’ll truly get past this as I will never know if he understood that I tried to help him but couldn’t. I feel so empty