Grateful but so heartbroken

[bigsmall88]

I had my baby girl, a beautiful and loving cavalier, for nine and a half years from 10 weeks old. She was the best friend I ever had, she would smush her little face into mine and want cuddles 24×7. She was the best part of my day, every day.
After turning 8, she started getting’s infections, had a heart murmur, and needed a lot of care until Jan 2026, she had surgery to fix her urinary infections, then needed more surgery shortly after for BOAS as her oxygen was so low. She passed away shortly after her second surgery from kidney failure. She passed away in my bed with me after the vet tried everything to keep her kidneys going, after lots of cuddles and kisses and after I told her it was alright to slip away, she went within 30 seconds.

I feel so grateful that I was given this perfect little dog and was able to be with her when she passed, in a place she loved to be, just the two of us.

But I feel so deeply heartbroken, even after these 7 weeks, every day I’m reminded of the space that she filled in my life – which she was the central part of. People say it gets better over time, but it took a month for the shock to settle and now I sob little a child almost every day. Even now when people ask about her its impossible to hide the emotions. I’ve not grieved like this before, ive lost family members which wasnt as deep a grief as this. Is this wrong? is something wrong with me?

Topic

[VM-Rose2301]

Dear bigsmall88
thank you very much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl. Reading about her it’s easy to see how much you adored her as well as what a great bond you two shared. She was more than a pet — she was your greatest friend, your companion along with a big part of your daily life. It sounds as though you did everything you could for her. You took care for her regardless of her health difficulties, you were there with her, you filled her final moments with love, cuddles as well as comfort and you gave her the ultimate gift by allowing her go quietly when she was ready. That’s very loving of you to do.I want to kindly remind you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Everyone grieves differently, the intensity of your sadness is a reflection of the depth of your love not that something is wrong . Many individuals say that losing a cherished pet may be as difficult, if not more painful, than the loss of some family members. There’s something special about the bond we share with our animals. They are present for us day in and day out, bringing unconditional love, warmth, and companionship.
Seven weeks is still extremely early in grief. It is also fairly typical for the shock to wear off within the first few weeks as well as for the full weight of the loss to be felt more thoroughly. There is no right or incorrect timing for grieving. You don’t need to rush yourself, or feel guilty if you are still crying.
Please Be kind to yourself throughout this moment. Your tears speak of how much she cherished you and that is appropriate to miss her so profoundly.
Again, thank you for trusting us with such a personal aspect of your journey. If you are looking for someone to talk to, remember you are always welcome to call griefline.
Please Take care of yourself.

[VM-Rose2301]

Dear bigsmall88
thank you very much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl. Reading about her it’s easy to see how much you adored her as well as what a great bond you two shared. She was more than a pet — she was your greatest friend, your companion along with a big part of your daily life. It sounds as though you did everything you could for her. You took care for her regardless of her health difficulties, you were there with her, you filled her final moments with love, cuddles as well as comfort and you gave her the ultimate gift by allowing her go quietly when she was ready. That’s very loving of you to do.I want to kindly remind you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Everyone grieves differently, the intensity of your sadness is a reflection of the depth of your love not that something is wrong . Many individuals say that losing a cherished pet may be as difficult, if not more painful, than the loss of some family members. There’s something special about the bond we share with our animals. They are present for us day in and day out, bringing unconditional love, warmth, and companionship.
Seven weeks is still extremely early in grief. It is also fairly typical for the shock to wear off within the first few weeks as well as for the full weight of the loss to be felt more thoroughly. There is no right or incorrect timing for grieving. You don’t need to rush yourself, or feel guilty if you are still crying.
Please Be kind to yourself throughout this moment. Your tears speak of how much she cherished you and that is appropriate to miss her so profoundly.
Again, thank you for trusting us with such a personal aspect of your journey. If you are looking for someone to talk to, remember you are always welcome to call griefline.
Please Take care of yourself.

[chocojacq]

Dear @bigsmall88, I want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel now as we have also recently lost our 9.5 year old cavoodle as well. He had a heart disease which got diagnosed about 8 months ago, so it has been very tough for all of us. We have tried absolutely everything possible to keep him with us. He was doing fine for a long time but his health deteriorated so much in the last couple of weeks and he passed in our home but sadly I wasn’t there for him when that happened. At first, I felt extremely heartbroken and guilty for everything. But I think I have started to think a little differently. Like my husband said, because our dog had been suffering from the illness and he wasn’t being himself for a while, his passing was probably good for him as he no longer needs to suffer from any pain or discomfort. I am a catholic so I tell myself and my kids that our dog is up in heaven happily running around and eating all the chicken (his favorite!) Now. I have a laugh when I say / think of it actually. It may sound silly but may make you feel better, so why not. I also wear a bracelet with a dog pendant everywhere I go now which signifies that he is with me wherever I go. I am feeling a bit better now but on the days when I have a hard time at work or with the kids (like today), I do miss him a lot. Pets and especially dogs play such significant part in our lives. The feeding, the walk, the grooming, the play, everything in all parts of our lives… like my dog, he has been my source of comfort and companion. I used to feel good just by looking at him or patting him. There was no need to explain to him and he just knew what to do. It’s completely normal to feel heartbroken when they are gone and I just want to let you know that you are not alone. We are with you! I hope you see the light through this and feel better soon. Take care of yourself.

[VM-Serenity66]

Dear @bigsmall88,

I have to go with @bigal. There is nothing wrong with you for hurting like that. I think perhaps it means that your heart is working just the way it is supposed to. For the loss of nine and a half years of deeply connected love to be healed in seven weeks, seems like a big ask. This may go up and down for some time, and swing between painful remembering and getting on with daily life. For most people, it settles down after a while, as you find ways to comfort yourself, and find a safe place for all those happy memories, and all that love.

Meanwhile, you are welcome to let us know here how you are getting along on your journey, and welcome to connect with a volunteer on the Helpline, if you feel up to it.

Kindness

[bigal]

No there is nothing wrong with you. For me it has been 5 weeks since. I too have never experienced this level of grief before. Wishing you the best.

[Author]

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