Lost both parents in 2 months and I feel responsible for both of their deaths

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Tagged: health, loss, not at fault, parent

This topic has 12 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 1 month ago by VMsunflower.

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December 28, 2022 at 5:31 am #23955

leighstott
Participant

My Father passed away on October 21 due a fall related to type 2 diabetes. He became hypoglycaemic and passed out. He sustained rib and back fractures and because he was on blood thinning medication his blood wouldn’t clot and subsequently died from the injuries.

Five days later my Mum had Colorectal Surgery to remove a tumour. I took 6 weeks off work to care for Mum. Around 8 weeks after her surgery Mum suffered a stroke and hit her head. We didn’t find her for 24 hours and there was nothing the Doctors could do. She passed away on December 23rd.

I feel completely responsible for both of my parents deaths. I had noticed my Father wasn’t eating and looking well and I should have realised the risks of this with him being a type 2 diabetic. I noticed my Mum was slurring the odd word too and I offered to take her to the Doctor but she didn’t want to go. I should have just rung a bloody ambulance and she would still be here.

The guilt and shame I have is so strong. Sleep is difficult and if I do manage to sleep nightmares are common. I feel like I deserve all this plus more as my inaction has cost both of my parents their lives.

They were the most important people in my life and now I have no one.
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March 7, 2023 at 2:07 pm #24431

VMsunflower
Participant

Hi Leigh

Wonderful to hear that you have managed to breakthrough and return to work.
Yes grief certainly comes and goes in waves, but I am grateful that those waves become less overwhelming and less often.
I am sure your parents would be so proud and happy to see your slowly moving forward.
Sharing our grief journey with others who understand is soooo helpful.

Take good care of you
Sunflower

February 28, 2023 at 7:56 pm #24396

leighstott
Participant

Thank you for your thoughtful message Sunflower.

I am up and down, it’s true what they say about grief, it comes and goes in waves. I managed to get back to work for 3 days a week last week which was a breakthrough. I am trying to honour my parents with my actions which I think is a positive way of going about life now.

The Griefline website has helped me in in so many way, thanks again for your message and support.

Leigh.

February 24, 2023 at 3:19 pm #24374

VMsunflower
Participant

Hi Leigh
I am so pleased to see that you are still checking in with this forum.
How are you going?
I note that it is around anniversary dates of the loss of both of your parents and recognise that it can stir up a lot of emotion.
Just wanting you to know that we are all here for you and sending out our love and support for you.
Remember you can call and speak with one of the Griefline volunteers or book a suitable time for yourself. One of the qualified volunteers will be happy to hold space and to share your journey with you.
Be kind to yourself.

February 23, 2023 at 8:53 pm #24370

leighstott
Participant

So thoughtful of you to message.

It’s a daily battle for me to accept what has happened. It has reminded me how fragile and short life is.

Receiving messages from kind people, whom I have never met, has been incredibly helpful with coping with this. Thank you.

February 19, 2023 at 1:13 am #24338

lostinlife
Participant

I am sorry for your loss.

This is not your fault. You did all you could in both situations.

Please do not blame yourself for what has happened. You gave time to your mum before the end.

I am new to the forum and wish that you can find healing into the future from your loss.

January 7, 2023 at 8:56 pm #24024

marisa
Participant

Thank you VMsunflower, for your kind response. And Leigh, all the best to you – I really hope you can find some peace.

xx marisa

January 2, 2023 at 1:30 pm #23975

VMsunflower
Participant

Hi Marisa

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your husband so suddenly and unexpectedly, I can’t even imagine the pain and shock you must be feeling. I hope you are getting the love and support you need at this time.

Thank you for your compassionate support in responding to Leigh at this time as well.

It is such a comfort to be able to share our times of grief with others, who, although they manage their own grief differently, somehow understand the loss and pain we all go through.

Please take good care of yourself and stay in touch.

January 2, 2023 at 1:13 pm #23974

VMsunflower
Participant

Hi Leigh,

I just want to say my heart breaks for you on the loss of both of your parents, such a terrible thing to happen and even so much harder to cope with at this time of year.

Your care is evidenced by the fact that you took time off to care for your mum after her surgery, at the same time grieving the loss of dad.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing but can also cause us to feel guilty about things that we really could not have changed. As you mentioned you offered to take your mum to the doctor, but she didn’t want to go. Similarly, dad did not want to go to hospital, both situations out of your control.

I want to commend your courage in joining this forum and posting your story as it helps not only us but you to work through your grief. I lost my brother in September and the thoughts do come that maybe I could have done something to change the situation, or visited him more, but I do realise that we must live our lives the best we can without the benefit of hindsight. It does make us realise how precious life and loved ones are and we can take that knowledge forward with us.

Please be kind to yourself, and do stay in touch

December 31, 2022 at 6:26 am #23969

leighstott
Participant

Hi Marisa,

Thank you for thinking of me during your time of loss.

It it were you or someone else you have dialled “000”. It’s something I didn’t do and I feel it cut short the lives of both of my parents. I know I have to live with this, nothing will change.

Thinking of you and your family Marisa.

Thanks you for your message.

Leigh

December 30, 2022 at 11:32 pm #23967

marisa
Participant

Leigh I really hope the psychologist can help you work through your feelings. It might not make you feel any differently if I say this, but regardless, you do NOT deserve to be punished and what happened is not your fault. Also, if your grief and depression did affect the way you responded to the situation with your mother, this is also not your fault. Maybe you could think about it this way – if someone else told you this story, what would you say to them? Would you consider them responsible for their parents’ deaths? I bet you’re being way harder on yourself than you would be on someone else. Lack of sleep probably isn’t helping either… hopefully your psych can help you with this.

Best wishes
Marisa
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Lost both parents in 2 months and I feel responsible for both of their deaths

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