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  • in reply to: Loss of a loved one #21687
    cwattblkhwk
    Participant

    Hi all,
    I lost my best friend this week of a sudden heart attack and I am struggling to cope with the sadness.
    I can’t believe my healthy, larger than life friend will never see me get married, never see me have kids etc.
    The constant pain is overwhelming me and I just need to know it gets easier. Everyone keeps telling me it will but I struggle to believe it.

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #21686
    candlelightknight
    Participant

    Hi there,
    I recently lost my mum (her funeral was just this weekend past), and I’m severely struggling with my romantic relationship.
    My partner didn’t come to the funeral, although I had asked him, and we actually got into a bit fight while I was driving up to say goodbye (she lived in NSW, and I live in VIC). I could only deal with one thing at one time, so I had to block my partner’s number and haven’t really spoken to him since. We’ve actually struggled a bit since I found out that mum was in ICU and had a few fights, etc. I returned home on the Sunday, and he left for another state for work on the Monday, and didn’t come by on the Sunday (and not it’s Thursday), and I just feel so alone and unsupported and also still so sad. I went back in-person at work today and I’m just exhausted and wishing this pain would all go away. Everyone has just been telling me ‘to focus on me’, but I can’t help but now think that my relationship has fallen to pieces ontop of what’s happened with mum 🙁
    Thank you,
    Candlelightknight (he/him).

    in reply to: My sweet Sayge #21685
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, other grieving parents. I find it hard to reply sometimes, but I’m always reading, checking in ok.
    On Saturday it will be 8 mths since I last held my beautiful boy. Instead of anticipated grief insomnia, I had wonderful dreams of all the birthday parties we had. All the themed home made cakes I made, all the excitement of pressies, the noise and laughter came flashing back, so I woke up smiling for a change.
    I have no doubt that my son was saying hi to me, – you know he always sends me little signs, which I wait for patiently.
    I believe this reminder of all the good times we shared was a signal for me to close this post – and start a new one, maybe something like “living without my child”??
    Because somehow we’re doing it… but I absolutely cannot unless I have others’ to confide in, who are living the same story – cancer diagnosis in particular.
    I know other grieving mums have other children, I also have 3 others, but am sadly an empty-nester. I wasn’t prepared for any of this ..
    So I’d like to start a new post/thread we can not only share our unique grief, but share our little successes- albeit cutting your fingernails, whatever.
    Today I dyed my hair – that’s pretty big for me.
    As much as no longer feel part of this world, and never will again, I’m only half here – I understand the only comfort I will find in my grief is by sharing my humanity.
    Thank goodness I can smile at an old man walking down the street, or a baby in a pram without a mask on these days, that’s all it takes for me to brighten my day.
    And I know my son is right behind me when I also pat the cats and dogs on my little walks xx Will you join me in a new thread ?

    Moon
    Participant

    Hi grieving mum and other grieving parents. I find it hard to reply sometimes, but I’m always reading, checking in ok.
    On Saturday it will be 8 mths since I last held my beautiful boy. Instead of anticipated grief insomnia, I had wonderful dreams of all the birthday parties we had. All the themed home made cakes I made, all the excitement of pressies, the noise and laughter came flashing back, so I woke up smiling for a change.
    I have no doubt that my son was saying hi to me, – you know he always sends me little signs, which I wait for patiently.
    I believe this reminder of all the good times we shared was a signal for me to close this post – and start a new one, maybe something like “living without my child”??
    Because somehow we’re doing it… but I absolutely cannot unless I have others’ to confide in, who are living the same story – cancer diagnosis in particular.
    I know other grieving mums have other children, I also have 3 others, but am sadly an empty-nester. I wasn’t prepared for any of this ..
    So I’d like to start a new post/thread we can not only share our unique grief, but share our little successes- albeit cutting your fingernails, whatever.
    Today I dyed my hair – that’s pretty big for me.
    As much as no longer feel part of this world, and never will again, I’m only half here – I understand the only comfort I will find in my grief is by sharing my humanity.
    Thank goodness I can smile at an old man walking down the street, or a baby in a pram without a mask on these days, that’s all it takes for me to brighten my day.
    And I know my son is right behind me when I also pat the cats and dogs on my little walks xx Will you join me in a new thread ?

    in reply to: Buried my son on xmas eve #21683
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, other grieving parents. I find it hard to reply sometimes, but I’m always reading, checking in ok.
    On Saturday it will be 8 mths since I last held my beautiful boy. Instead of anticipated grief insomnia, I had wonderful dreams of all the birthday parties we had. All the themed home made cakes I made, all the excitement of pressies, the noise and laughter came flashing back, so I woke up smiling for a change.
    I have no doubt that my son was saying hi to me, – you know he always sends me little signs, which I wait for patiently.
    I believe this reminder of all the good times we shared was a signal for me to close this post – and start a new one, maybe something like “living without my child”??
    Because somehow we’re doing it… but I absolutely cannot unless I have others’ to confide in, who are living the same story – cancer diagnosis in particular.
    I know other grieving mums have other children, I also have 3 others, but am sadly an empty-nester. I wasn’t prepared for any of this ..
    So I’d like to start a new post/thread we can not only share our unique grief, but share our little successes- albeit cutting your fingernails, whatever.
    Today I dyed my hair – that’s pretty big for me.
    As much as no longer feel part of this world, and never will again, I’m only half here – I understand the only comfort I will find in my grief is by sharing my humanity.
    Thank goodness I can smile at an old man walking down the street, or a baby in a pram without a mask on these days, that’s all it takes for me to brighten my day.
    And I know my son is right behind me when I also pat the cats and dogs on my little walks xx Will you join me in a new thread ?

    in reply to: Loss of a pet #21681
    Musicfreak
    Participant

    My cat Buddy died in my arms yesterday. He was only 9, but his kidneys were failing and the vet said he would likely get worse.

    I was with him as he slipped away and I think dying would be better than this unbearable pain.

    I don’t know what to do, I’m barely getting out of bed and live alone with my younger cat.

    grievingmum
    Participant

    Dear Deb,
    Your words speak to my heart. I understand completely everything you are saying. Your home sound like an oasis.. I picture it being very idyllic. We used to be similar in our interests, always outside, we had built a frog pond, and had tadpoles right before Scout died (that’s my girl.) Now none of us want to go out there. It sits unloved and over grown. It all hurts too much. We are all so sad and empty.
    The pain is never ending, and I’m actually tired of myself and the person I am now. But nothing can ever change. It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t lived it, but there is no changing this. No accepting it. I don’t know myself. I used to feel joy and optimism, but now that’s impossible. So what is left? I completely relate, we too are zombies going through the motions.
    I sometimes remember how it felt to cuddle her in her room, and how everything in the world felt right and at peace. I will never feel that again.
    We have also lost friends, who I thought of as family. I am not sad about it, more of a burning anger, because my little girl deserved better than for people to turn away because its “too sad”. These people only need to turn their thoughts to it for short time, and then get to go back to their own whole lives.. but they cant even spare us a thought because it’s too uncomfortable for them to face. Did we get that choice? No. We face it day in, day out. I have no patience for that weakness in character.
    I have also gained friends from unlikely places that came together in chaos, at a time when we needed people to help us. It has bonded us together in a way that can never be torn apart. I am blessed to know them, and have them around me. They listen, patiently, to my repetitive draining sadness, they let me feel what I need to. They have helped us survive. I feel so lucky to have them. I hope that you gather your people to you too. They are there.
    I know exactly what you mean, there are no maps for how we go on. When my brain goes to the future, I can’t understand or see anything. It’s not enough that we have lost the sunshine in our lives, that we miss her every day, but that we are now outsiders from society. It’s also hard to care though.
    I know you said before you weren’t ready to open up yet about how Sayge died, but I hope in time you will. There are so many layers and complexities to this deep grief and trauma. For me, it’s not just that Scout died, but the years of pain she endured before she did.
    I’m thinking of you and sending love, my sister in grief.

    in reply to: Buried my son on xmas eve #21679
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hello dear Moon,
    We’ll all of us here are here for the same reason, just to feel someone’s hearing us, to feel supported in our heartbreak, someone to talk too, because we truely don’t have anyone…..especially I feel, other mothers, in the safety of other suffering mothers is where we know our pain is always being witnessed. Yes that frightening fear of who are we, think about that all the time, our whole life for our children, the great tangle of emotions thrust upon our hearts through illness, which I still feel like I’ve held my breath since the beginning so that now just can’t breathe, who are we it’s yet to be discovered, I just pray somehow to keep my bleeding heart open, for you and others here.
    No need to mind if we repeat ourselves, or go over the same things as that’s our roundabout of pain going on constantly, I think everyone here understands this, I mean that’s all we have.
    Sad for you for those horrible panic attacks, they are frightening, even as you say you know it’ll pass, leaves you just shattered and can’t cope with the world.
    I’m glad to hear the sessions have been beneficial, at least a caring listening soul hopefully you could keep talking to her also.
    I got my next issue of compassionate friends mag, somehow helpful to read their stories, still not the courage to go (that far) to a meet up…..just hoping somehow to find just a couple of other families who may like to come for informal cup of tears.
    Always thinking of you Moon, we’ll just help each other from here.
    Love Deb
    Xx

    in reply to: My Dad #21672
    staffygirl
    Participant

    Dear @cnma, I just read your post, and it has me in tears. It hit close to home for me and I feel your pain. Thank you for writing it.

    in reply to: Buried my son on xmas eve #21671
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, everyone… sun going down, have to come inside now, play my cd’s on repeat, as always, can’t handle the silence.
    I’m actually just recovering from a major panic attack, haven’t had one that bad in ages. I hate them, but at least I know now they eventually pass, though still scary when you’re by yourself. Decided I deserve a glass of wine, early dinner, early to bed – 3am insomnia awaits me as usual.
    I have my last griefline counselling session coming up, it’s been so beneficial for me, wish it could continue. She is a little concerned I will have no other support, other than this forum, so guess you’re stuck with my ramblings. I checked out compassionate friends, but they don’t offer online forums unfortunately.
    Yes I’m proud to say I’m still a compagnon/support person for the elderly gentleman. Gets me out of the house and I don’t mind at all if conversations are repeated, he is 90 – means I don’t have to talk about myself yeah, can take on a different idendity briefly.
    Because honestly I don’t know who I am anymore, what’s left of me after caring for a sick child for 10yrs + his 3 siblings. Now he’s gone and I don’t know how to live without him xxx

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