Forum Replies Created
August 14, 2021 at 7:54 pm in reply to: Struggling to cope after my wife  died recently.. Not sleeping, not coping.. #16100
Hi Pete, seeing your wife’s belongings can trigger a flood of memories. I lost my brother just 5 days ago, 9 Aug 2021. There is a kitchen knife that he used to use in the Hospitality class. It reminds me of him and it breaks me down in tears. There is no easy way to cope with it. We have to try one step at a time. Sometime we succeed in controlling our emotion, other times we just end up in poodle of mess. Do not hold back and cry all the tears. That is what I did in the last 4 days. Write a journal to put your emotion into words. There is no easy path. Each day is a struggle, we have to be patient. Only time can heal.
Hi lakay, my younger brother passed away suddenly on Monday morning 9 Aug 2021. He was only 49 too. To make things worse he was in Indonesia and I am here in Australia during pandemic. It is heartbreaking and it will take time for your mind to process what happen. Especially when you see his things around, it just add to the feeling of loss. Try to slowly reprogram your mind so that when you see his belongings, you see in them not just him, but also yourself. Keep them safely in storage, knowing they mean something to you.August 14, 2021 at 7:39 pm in reply to: The added pain on top of deep grief… by insensitive others #16098
Hi , i agree that TOXIC people can make grief even more difficult. Try not to respond by being angry and make it worse for yourself. Try to be strong to their toxicity and to think of them of not worthy of your emotions. Focus on your Dad and surround yourself with supportive people. The last thing you need in that kind of situation is toxic people.
Hi Tamar1, it is difficult and hearbreaking. I lost my brother, 49 yo to Lupus on 9 Aug 2021. Spent a week crying in foetal position. Find a quiet place and let all your tears out. It will help you cope. Emotional tears contain Cortisol stress hormone. Let all your tears out so it does not stay inside you and kill you from the inside. When you play the music that your brother and you both liked, try to “reprogram” your mind – so that now you see in that music, not only your brother but also yourself. That is how i deal with it. Still raw, still in shock, but I am dealing with it.sar_katParticipant
I’m currently going through a really rough time. My boyfriend who is 23 was diagnosed with a rare cancer. He went through 3 lines of treatment and is now told there is nothing more they can do for him. I don’t really know how to cope or process this. I feel like I’m mourning someone who hasn’t died yet. I don’t know how much longer he has and I’m trying to treasure every moment I have left. And I know people say take it day by day but that’s really hard when you have planned this future that you’ll never get. I just want to connect with other people who have experienced something similar.j.sinclair84Participant
I also just lost my dad 3 weeks ago to cancer at only 64. My heart feels so empty. I feel like a part of me has been taken away & I’m not coping at all. My two boys 6 & 7 miss theyre poppy dearly.Tamar1Participant
My Brother died late Feb this year, 59yrs old, from throat cancer. I am one of 6 siblings, he is the first one to die out of us 6, I had a great relationship with him. I have only realised I have not truly allowed myself to deal with the grief, because I live in another state I guess it was just easier to “pretend” he was away. There have been triggers. But the last 2 weeks have been the worst. My Husband hasn’t been very helpful. When my brother dies, i was talking about him , husband commented that he didn’t really like my brother……so for me that killed that conversation. He did this twice, so i decided I was not going to share my thoughts and feelings with him, i felt it was insensitive of him to say that. I don’t care if he liked my brother or not, I just felt it wasn’t the time or place to say it to me,right then! Today it came up and he still thinks he didn’t say anything wrong, he said I need to find a way to “get over it” . Needless to say he has disappointed me greatly. I feel pretty alone right now. All my closets family members are interstate. I am still processing the fact I’ve lost my brother, I do play music he liked, make food he loved to feel close to him.Bel95Participant
About 6 weeks ago now my now ex boyfriend out of the blue dumped me via text. We’ve been trying hard to stay friends still and stay in contact with eachother. We really were each others support system. Although with his severe personal issues he’s taken a huge step back and we have drifted. It’s been years since I’ve felt this lonely. I live in a fairly small town with not too much to do unless you like sport, (which I hate). Covid is making socialising even harder too. Although I do work a couple of days a week I find myself constantly trying to reach out to people just to talk because I’m so lonely. Unfortunately I really only have 2 friends and one of which lives 2 hours away. This pain of missing my boyfriend is really getting to me. Not being able to message him and talk about small things, or let him know when I’m feeling down. Although our breakup was for the best long term, I miss him so badly and miss what we had. The nights are long and quiet. Im not living I’m just existing right now.
Dear @Chagri, welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you on the tragic loss of your beloved blue heeler. Your story tells of someone who adored their dog – who treated him like a companion, taking him with you on your errands, giving him his best life by letting him do the things he loves – like riding in the ute and running up the driveway …everything you did was out of love for him.
It is heartbreaking that for all your love and care this accident happened. And unfortunately, it is human nature for us to blame ourselves, but the reality is this terrible accident was completely unintentional.
– So be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend if this happened to them. Surely you would not blame them. Show mercy and forgiveness to yourself just as you would others.
– Know that you won’t always feel this way, over time the images in your head and the intense emotions will become much more manageable.
– Try to replace the traumatic images in your mind with good memories or photos of him happy in your care.
– Seek support from friends and family, have a chat with your GP, call the Griefline Helpline on 1300 845 745, or book in to see a Grief and Loss Counsellor. The grief caused by the loss of a pet is often equal to the grief of losing a beloved human so tap into all the support resources you can.
– You can also take a look at our article on Losing a Pet And if you feel ready for it, our Smiling Minds meditation on the Mindfulness page is designed to calm an anxious mind or relieve tension in the body. You can access it here.
We also invite others on the loss of a pet topic to share your thoughts and experiences – as so many of us battle with feelings of guilt when we lose our companion animals. You are not alone in this @Chagri. We are here for you. 🌸
Welcome to the forums @jpud. Our hearts go out to you for the recent loss of your Dad. Your message so clearly expresses your anguish and heartache. It also speaks of an incredible connection between you and your dad and immense love. Yesterday we posted this quote by Jamie Anderson on the ‘Helping Hand’ topic;
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go”.
Perhaps this resonates with you?
It seems you are experiencing intense grief right now. And we understand your desperate need to hear his voice. Perhaps one way to help ease the pain is to form a different kind of connection with your Dad. In our article Coping with Grief on the Resource Hub we provide some suggestions for Continuing the Bond. Things like “Write them letters. You can share your ups and downs, ask for advice, seek forgiveness if you need. Many people also answer as they think their loved one would, which can be very soothing and helpful.”
@jpud, this is a warm and caring space for you to share more about your dad and your grief experience – we are here to listen and offer support. Perhaps you’d like to take a look at SadDaugther2021 posts. She too lost her beloved Dad and today’s post might give you a little bit of hope for finding some peace.
We are here for you. 🌸ChagriParticipant
I lost my 6 year old blue heeler yesterday, I took him to the shops with me for a ride because he loves going on the Ute. When I got to the letterbox I let him off to run up the driveway as we live on a farm and he liked to run. I let him get a head start so I could see him before driving off, I then saw him to the right of the car so moved over even more to give him extra space to run, but he went under the wheel
Without me seeing him. I rushed him to the emergency vet but he passed away on the ride in. I’m seeking advice on how I can cope with feeling the blame of loosing my beloved boy, and how to get the graphic incident out of my head. Anyone else had a similar experience to this?August 9, 2021 at 10:02 am in reply to: The added pain on top of deep grief… by insensitive others #16023
Thank you so much for your message. I’ve found, sadly, that most people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don’t really care. I have one friend who was actually willing to listen and not afraid to talk about death – and this is because she’d lost both her parents too, so she understood the pain, and she lives on the other side of the world, but I am so grateful for her!
So in answer your question, firstly I’d cried and sobbed literally every day for the first 6 weeks. I wasn’t afraid to do so as I knew the old saying about ‘there’s no way over, under or around grief – you have to go THROUGH it’. Luckily I’m not working at the moment so I had the space to do that but know that if I had been it would’ve been very difficult for me. I have an old jumper of his – one that he’d actually worn when I was a baby (I have a photo of him wearing it and holding me) so at night, in bed, I’d just hug it for comfort. I also lit a candle every night next to his photos and poured through old photo albums. At around the 6 weeks mark I realised that I’d just about ran out of tears and it was OK to stop now. I knew that my dear Dad would hate to see me in so much pain and could just imagine him in my mind telling me to be strong and that I had to pick myself up and carry on. The realisation and acceptance also settled on me that it was the natural order of things – although it was totally unexpected, he was almost 82 years old and had lived an extraordinary life having lived in Australia as a young man, travelled so much of the world and had a loving family back in the UK where he passed away. He’d lived a big and (mostly) happy life so I would be happy and grateful for that. At the service someone described him in their eulogy as being a ‘tall oak tree of strength and resolve’ – he was exactly that, he was 6’4″ and had such a presence and as his daughter I can only hope to have inherited some of the same. I miss him dearly every day and just wish the phone would ring (he was the only person to use the landline) and now I have a tear writing that but I have to accept things as they are – he has now passed the batten on to me.jpudParticipant
I miss my Dad more than I ever thought possible, imaginable & long to hear him talk to me again, just one more time. I miss you Dad
Hey CMs, this struck a chord with us, does it resonate with you? 🌸
Maybe you have your own favourite quote or poem? Share them here – let’s spread some hope and understanding. 🌸August 7, 2021 at 2:54 pm in reply to: fixing a broken heart when the biggest part is gone #16010
Hi @Wolfboy12, just checking in. Hoping you got a chance to check out the resource page …or to tap into other coping strategies of your own. No pressure of course – we each have our own unique way to grieve and our own timeline so it is up to you when and what coping tools you decide to turn to.
And no need to apologise for technological challenges! We are just glad you’re here and sharing your story so that others know they are not alone in their experience of grief, and so that you can start to process and work through yours.
@Wolfboy12, keep posting if you can. We are here for you. 🌸August 7, 2021 at 2:41 pm in reply to: More than a year later, I am suddenly now grieving my best-friend #16008
Hi @uncertifiedsandy, thank you for sharing your grief experience with us here on the forums. Your story is of losing a beloved friend is heart-wrenching. It’s been a week now since your world came crashing down once the realisation of what happened hit you. And it sounds like it opened your eyes to the reality of how you’ve resorted to some destructive coping mechanisms in order to keep avoiding the grief.
We’re checking in a week later to see how things are going for you and to offer our support. After a year of willing yourself to be strong it’s little wonder your resolve finally gave way. Losing a friendship like you described can result in grief that is tricky to manage – you are experiencing a living loss which can leave us unsettled and perhaps anxious about how life will unfold now. You can read a little more about relationship loss here on our Resource Hub including this explanation of how abandonment can affect us;
“Do not believe that loneliness means you are unloved, inadequate or unwanted. Loneliness is a feeling it is not a fact. Our brains are wired to respond to fear of abandonment, which stems from very early experiences or fears as a child. An incident or memory can trigger this anxiety, sparking negative feelings or thoughts about ourselves …Although it may feel uncomfortable, if you feel lonely, reach out and connect with a friend and organise to catch up with them. Some of those old thought patterns may want to repeat, such as the belief that I am unlovable or unworthy. If these thoughts or feelings come up, just remind yourself that they are just old thoughts, feelings or ideas and that you do not have to listen or respond to them”.
You might also like to take a look at our mindfulness for grief page… which describes activities designed to allow you to feel the emotions rather than avoid them.
@uncertifiedsandy we hope these tools help and would love to hear how you are going this week. Take care. We are here for you. 🌸August 7, 2021 at 2:01 pm in reply to: The added pain on top of deep grief… by insensitive others #16007
Hi @SadDaughter2021, your last post was so inspiring – to hear that you have found peace in the surety of the love between your dad and yourself…and also that you’ve been able to laugh again. It gives us all hope, especially those of us who might be feeling like we’ll never emerge from our despair.
Savouring these moments of laughter and joy is integral to finding happiness again and the more moments we string together, the more we will find life seems doable…we start to recognise ourselves again, and find hope for a future that may be different to what we expected, but still be satisfying. An amazing help-seeker we recently spoke to used the term “grow wings from our wounds”…it speaks of the personal growth that can come out of tragedy.
@SadDaughter2021 we’d be so grateful if you would consider sharing one or two of the coping strategies you’ve used to find your laughter again… real-life coping tools can really resonate here on the forums. Take care. 🌸
Dear @lakay, our hearts go out to you for the sudden loss of your husband last Sunday. We are glad that you have reached out for peer support here on the forums and are hoping you also have a caring support network at home… this is a time to lean on others and reach out for as much help as you can from as many sources as are available to you. Losing someone so unexpectedly and in such a traumatic way either leaves us feeling numb and in a daze or with a whirlwind of confusing emotions and thoughts. Our article on the Resource Hub “Understanding Trauma” says “Central to the experience of trauma is that none of it makes sense at the time nor for some time following the event. As a result, there may be feelings of confusion, disbelief, despair, low mood, anxiety, fear of losing control, panic, helplessness, guilt, loss of motivation and interest in the outside world, amongst other responses. You may find yourself crying and sobbing at unexpected times or places and not know why.
Your hands shaking, nausea and chest pain sounds like it might be quite frightening for you however we want you to be assured that though severe, they sound like typical somatic reactions to a traumatic grief experience such as yours. We first ‘feel’ our emotions in our muscle and nervous systems before a signal is sent to our mind to create the emotion. It may soothe you to know that these are all normal human responses to a traumatic experience. And everyone’s experience of grief, loss and/or trauma is completely individual. That being said, a visit to your GP would be advisable for extra support.
At this early stage, we hope you are able to practice self-care. Be kind and gentle on yourself – remember to eat, get enough sleep if you can, try to do a little exercise if possible – it all helps to keep you strong enough to get through these early days. And you will get through them.
We hope to hear from you soon – we are here for you as you embark on this grief journey. We will walk alongside you. You are not alone. 🌸
August 2, 2021 at 11:38 am in reply to: fixing a broken heart when the biggest part is gone #15995
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by onlinecommunity.
Sorry for odd replies I’m a bit of a technological Luddite
Thank you again
August 2, 2021 at 11:37 am in reply to: fixing a broken heart when the biggest part is gone #15994
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Wolfboy12.
Thank you so very much
It means a lot that there are others that understand how real this pain is
Thank you for the advice and the link to the resource page
I will check it out
Thank you againlakayParticipant
I am struggling so badly today. My husband passed away Sunday morning just gone. We thought he just had heartburn and he collapsed suddenly on the kitchen floor. I gave him cpr until help arrived. His heart never started beating again and he died from a massive heart attack. He was not unfit or overweight and he was only 49. Today at the funeral home I got to kiss him and touch his handsome face for the very last time. I can’t believe I will never see or touch my husband again. I’m home now and all his things are around me. Every step I take everything I see makes me want to vomit. The pain rises in my chest and burns when I see his clothes laid out for work. His dressing gown laid out. His car in the driveway. My legs and hands are shaking . I love him so muchJuly 31, 2021 at 3:38 pm in reply to: The added pain on top of deep grief… by insensitive others #15991
Thank you SO much for the message and words/perspective from David Kessler. In the end, I simply said to her (via text) that yes, I had my partner and son but no one could ever replace my wonderful Dad. She replied that she understood, which is something I guess. I just don’t think she can handle the fact that I loved him as much as I did and that he loved me. She always wanted to have his 100% undivided attention, which just screams insecurity. Poor woman.
I’m able to laugh again now though and although I miss my Dad terribly, I feel more centered in knowing that the love between us will always be there and I have wonderful memories to treasure in my heart always, not matter what.uncertifiedsandyParticipant
More than a year ago – or about exactly a year now – my best friend suddenly stopped talking to me. I found out via a mutual friend that he “doesn’t want to see (me) right now”. I remember feeling a pit in my stomach, but until today I felt that I had accepted it for what it is. I told myself that my love for also extends to respecting his choices and if he were happier without me in his life, it’s not my place to be upset. So I lived happily without his presence over the last year – so I thought.
Last night it all came crashing down on me and I cried all the way until 7am and have sobbed in between my Friday. I never heard of and still do not know what I did to lose him. It hurts more that he made a conscious decision to say he didn’t want me around anymore. I only recall our last contact, he called me. I have a diary entry on that date that reads “I’m so grateful for him”
A year of thinking I was coping weirdly well to losing him, I now can see my year-long drug addiction, social isolation and lack of motivation may be related to this grief that I’ve carried with me for so long.
My heart is so broken. A year’s worth of sadness hit me. We used to see each other most every other day, if not chat on the phone for hours. Whenever we hung out I’d leave feeling so blessed. On my 21st birthday he took me to dinner where we simultaneously pulled a gift out for each other. We had both written cards detailing how grateful we were of each other.
Purely platonic with no romantic or sexual desire involved. No expectations, no pressure. The friends I still have, have gradually become less and less tolerable. Every friendship I have now feels like a disappointment and only reminds me of what I had. I’m already so distant from them – I’m afraid I’ll shut myself in from my high-standards for friendship and a combined fear of having to experience this kind of heart-ache again.July 29, 2021 at 11:04 am in reply to: fixing a broken heart when the biggest part is gone #15987
Hi @Wolfboy12, thank you so much for reaching out to the forums. Our heart goes out to you for the loss of your Zackybear. The way you speak about him is heartwarming – your teammate, best friend, inspiration…what a truly special bond you had with him. We hope you have found ways to continue this bond…many people on the forums talk about creating a spot in their home that they can go to when the pain is strong. A place with a photo and special mementos like his collar, bowl, ball… or maybe you’ve found other ways to keep his memory alive and the love in your heart?
The grief of losing a pet can feel unbearable…for many of us, they are beside our side more than any person…our constant companions. Having to make the decision to let him go showed such strength and love…unfortunately love and grief are a package deal. When we make the decision to love our pets we make the decision to grieve. But there are some things that might help;
– David Kessler, grief expert suggests that we shift our mindset… When you feel yourself going into overwhelm or your mind goes to the terrible moment when you had to let him go, shift it instead to sending him love. “I’m sending you love. I’m surrounding you with love”. Say what works for you – and you can say it over and over.
– Tapping into your strengths might help you to take 2 steps forward and only 1 step back ☺️ At Griefline we are big advocates for strengths-based grief recovery. So you might like to take a look at the article on our Resource Hub “Grief Recovery: In Search of Lost Strengths” –
– Take good care of yourself – treat yourself with kindness just as you would have Zackybear. Try to eat well, get plenty of sleep and exercise. Staying physically healthy bolsters your strength for your mental health too.
@Wolfboy12, we hope this advice helps in some way. Please keep in touch and let us know how you’re going. We are here for you. 🌸
Hi @Bel95, just checking in…how are things with you? We’re grateful you shared your grief experience with us here on the forums. Knowing that grief comes in many forms including relationship breakdowns is something we at Griefline are working hard to build awareness around in the community. You show such emotional maturity in understanding this and we hope that you have found ways to treat yourself accordingly – with self-compassion and kindness as you deal with the loss.
If you feel like reaching out we’d love to hear how things are going for you. Perhaps you have found ways to practice self-care and deal with the hurt. You can always check out the tools on the Griefline resource hub – the Smiling Mind mindfulness recording might be particularly calming for you. You can find it here.
Take care @Bel95. We are here for you. 🌸July 29, 2021 at 10:27 am in reply to: The added pain on top of deep grief… by insensitive others #15985
Hi, @SadDaugther2021. Thank you for sharing your grief experience with us here on the forums. It sounds like you have a deep love for your Dad which was fully reciprocated by him, and you both worked hard at preserving that special bond despite the significant challenges you faced over the years just to stay in touch with him. We hope you have been able to find your own ways to hold on to the bond since his passing as this is something that can never be taken away from you.
In your first post, you talked about feeling dismissed by your step-mum and described how she made comparisons between your grieving….comparing grief is something that comes up again and again with Griefline help-seekers. It might be helpful toohear what renowned grief expert David Kessler said about it in a recent seminar; “The worst grief is yours. What other people think of your grief is none of your business…the race is long and it’s only with yourself. Your business in your grief is your relationship with that person. What other people say is noise.” Perhaps this perspective helps in some way.
We just wanted to check in to see how things are for you? It was clear from your last post that you felt an urgent need to speak your truth to your step-mum and we are wondering how you’ve progressed with this. No doubt it would be very challenging
please know that we are here for you with support and understanding. Take care and keep in touch. 🌸
Hi my best friend, team mate and the person I love most in world Zackybear (he is more than a pet and better than any person) passed on 27th of January this year
He was 13 and a half and it was him and me as teammates from when he was 12 weeks old
He got me through the worst times of my life and my inspiration for the best times. Every decision and action I made had him at the centre
Now that I’m going through the worse thing in my life, he’s not here and I miss him so much and it hurts so much worse than I ever imagined
I had to make the decision that it was his time and I know his health was deteriorating quite rapidly, he was mostly blind, deaf and couldn’t really walk and in my head I know it was the kindest choice for him
But I can’t get past it emotionally, even now I’m bawling, it’s affecting my work and life
I keep thinking he’ll come back and then I fall apart again when I have to remind myself that he can’t (and getting a new doggie is out of the question for a long time)
I thought by now I’d have made some progress in grieving but I take 2 steps forward and then 2 steps back
I would really welcome some advice
ThanksJuly 7, 2021 at 5:59 pm in reply to: The added pain on top of deep grief… by insensitive others #15844
Thanks Bugsy. I’m doing OK, have gotten through the worst of the initial grieving. Have spent my whole life though tip-toeing around this woman and I want to make it known to her how I feel. I just want to speak my truth to her, nothing more, whether she comprehends it or not is up to her.Bel95Participant
I’m doing okay thanks. Good and bad moments. Knowing I haven’t Lost him as a friend is getting me through. I’m worried he won’t stick to his word and I’ll have to lose him all over again. I do believe we can be friends though, will be hard at first to mourn the actual relationshipJuly 7, 2021 at 10:19 am in reply to: The added pain on top of deep grief… by insensitive others #15825BugsyParticipant
Their dismissiveness is still frustrating though. Especially when you want to help. Are you ok?