Forum Replies Created
September 18, 2021 at 12:41 pm in reply to: I lost my husband 4.5 months ago after a 10 week short battle with lung cancer. #16295MalParticipant
Dear @Deb-Camilleri, my heart and thoughts go out to you. I know that doesn’t really help but at least you know people do care about how you’re feeling.
Losing a loved one hurts so much. My son Jayson 29 passed away on 24th July 2021 5 days before his 30th birthday. He wasn’t ill. He died in his sleep I found him the next morning. And they can’t give me any answers to why. He had a full life surrounded by what he called his Good People. He lived more in 29 years than any of us did and for that I am grateful. So today I am just going to try and accept it. This is what’s happened and I can not do a thing to change it, and neither can you. I think our first step is to accept our loss. Tough gig but has to be done if we are to continue some sort of normal life. I have to think about my other 2 children and my 3 grandsons, I must be here for them, they are grieving too.
It’s day by day Deb just get up every day, show up and do whatever you can at your own pace. Take care of yourself.September 15, 2021 at 11:12 pm in reply to: I lost my husband 4.5 months ago after a 10 week short battle with lung cancer. #16282
Dear @Deb-Camilleri, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you during this terribly difficult time ❤️ It sounds like you had an amazing relationship with your beloved Peter who adored you. And from the way you describe him, he seems like a truly charismatic man – both in your eyes and others around you. You must have some wonderful memories of times shared together.
While everyone’s grief is unique, it’s fairly common to seemingly cope ok early on. We’re often in a state of disbelief at first. We may be numb or moving in and out of reality. And this is usually a period when we focus on the clinical events as it can be a way of avoiding our emotions. But as the weeks go on the grief starts to seep in and this is when it can feel almost unbearable. Like what you’re feeling now. Though it’s hard to hear, we have to confront this pain at some point. It forces us to access our best coping strategies to adapt to the loss. Right now you might be feeling like you cant cope but over time your coping skills will develop and strengthen. We are here to help you with this (the Griefine Helpline is another great resource when things are overwhelming 1300 845 745).
You mention that he is in your thoughts constantly and we wonder if you might try shifting your approach to these thoughts at times… try sending him the love that’s in your heart and speak it out loud. “I’m sending you love, I’m wrapping you up in my love” or whatever feels right to you. Say it over and over. It can soften the heartache and anxiety a little.
Nightime crying seems to be almost universal among the bereaved.. it might be soothing to know that researchers have described crying as a kind of comfort we give to ourselves…we ‘close down on ourselves in a self-embrace with muffled cries to hold back the distress’. So, while it might seem out of control or even frightening to cry every night…rest assured it’s safe and ok… practice self-compassion and kindness and let yourself cry if you need to.
At this early stage, it can be helpful to educate ourselves about the grief response and uncover ways to cope with it. Our ‘Coping with Grief’ article on the Griefline Resource Hub explores grief symptoms and also gives some ideas for coping – from the early stages to later on. Things like reaching out to others to seek comfort; taking care of your mental, emotional and physical health; and ways to feel safe and in control. We hope you will find something helpful there.
@Deb-Camilleri, we hope that you’ll keep posting as you navigate these distressing days. Every day is different on this grief journey and though it feels like things are getting worse right now, over time you will find there are moments of light breaking through to bring some relief…and hope.
So many of us here can empathise with what you are going through. We are here for you. 🌸Deb CamilleriParticipant
February 23rd Pete (aged 63), had his first chest X-ray and admitted straight into hospital, with complication after complication, no chance of survival, he died on the 6th May.
For those 10 weeks I was on auto pilot just doing what I had to do for my husband. Initially it was a blessing, he was ready to go and we all had accepted he was going to pass.
Daily, nightly my mind goes over the events just trying to process the traumatic time myself and family had to endure. I thought with a little bit of time my heartache would get better but it’s just not, it’s getting worse, I cry uncontrollable night after night, he is in my thoughts 24 hours a day, I miss him so much and I just want him to come home. Peter to me was the love of my life and I his, he treated me like his little Princess. I miss his love, I miss his attention, I miss his beautiful face and larger than life personality. I’m just so lonely.Sarah88Participant
Im so sorry for ur loss hun.
I lost my beautiful girl, Rosie, in April, 5 days after my bday. She had just turned 14 in Feb. From the day I got her as an 8wk old pup, ive had that lingering thought in the back on my head that I will hav to say goodbye to her one day.
All I wanted was for her to be happy and safe at home with her family wen she passed. But her heart stopped before i could even get back to the vet. I’ll never forget the moment she was wheeled into the room on a trolley. I think its the guilt that hurts the most. Because really, she did pass away in a ‘nice’ way, she wasnt in pain, she had lived a very happy spoilt life and she was loved by so many people. But i wasnt there. I didnt get to giv her a big cuddle before the vet gave her pain killers, which knocked her out.
I spend a lot of time thinking about her every day. The only feel the guilt when i allow myself to now, though.
I find wat helped me the most, was to constantly remind myself that Rosie was worth it. She was worth having to feel the excruciating pain of saying goodbye for now. She was worth it and more. When u realise that and believe it, it doesnt take away any pain, sadness, anxiety, BUT it does make u happy (in a way) that u are hurting. And its only a good thing that ur hurting so much at the loss of ur fur baby, cos it means u loved him so so much and u care so much about him. He obviously meant the world to u hun, so he was obviously loved.
What also helped me, Rosie is buried in my backyard in her favourite spot and shes facing the table everyone sits at, so she doesnt miss out on anything. I bought a rose bush to put there and ive put out heaps of different pretty solar lights (i dont like the thought of her in the dark). It gives me a really pretty place to go ‘visit’ her when i feel like i need her.
And photos!! It took me a while to be able to look at her pics, but wen i did omg lol, i laughed and cried so hard lol. But it feels amazing to be able to laugh.
Its only bye for now hun, ur fur baby will be waiting for u on the other side. U’ll probably notice he gets impatient sometimes, cos u’ll eventually see something 😉 my partner and i saw her last week walk around my side of the bed. My dad saw her walk into the house a few weeks ago. And my mum hears her out at the table all the time 💞
Jus remember, having him in ur life with all the happiness and joy he gav u, it was all worth it 💞
Sending u strength, love and kindness xo
Dear @Boeee302, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you ❤️. Losing a beloved companion after so many years must be incredibly difficult.
It sounds like you are in acute grief right now, so the emotions might feel excruciating and the thoughts and images extremely hard to take. Though it might sound absurd – what you’re going through is your unique and natural grief response. It’s how your mind and body are adapting and coping with this loss. It may feel scary right now but hold on – things will shift and become more and more bearable.
The best way to keep going is to reach out to other people for support so that you don’t feel alone in this experience. That’s why we’re so pleased you’ve posted on the forums. There will be others here who identify with your pain. It’s also very helpful to reach out to others close to you. Some will be good to talk with, while others can help you with practical things to help get you through this critical time.
With regards to the traumatic memories and imagery in your mind, David Kessler – a recognised grief expert, suggests shifting your mind from overwhelming thoughts to sending love to your loved one. When you feel helpless you need to do something active. So continue to actively love him – close your eyes, think of him in a happy place and in your mind say to him “I’m sending you love. I’m surrounding you with love.” Repeat it until you feel a bit calmer.
Griefline has more coping tools on our resource hub including this audio recording to help you reflect on positive experiences.
@Boeee302, we hope this helps in some way. Please post again and tell us what’s happening for you. We are here for you. 🌸Boeee302Participant
Last Tuesday (31/08/2021) I had to put down my dog of 14 years due to cancer. I miss him so much and I just don’t even know how to cope anymore… as much as it was beautiful to be there for him when he went, I will forever be traumatised by seeing his eyes go from full of life to empty as his body collapsed… how the hell do I keep going? Because I don’t know anymore.
Hi @Michael, welcome to the forums. And thank you so much for posting this poem – it is so poignant and beautifully written.
It’s great to see our Community Members adding to our Helping Hand topic.
Perhaps some of our community members have resources to help those who are struggling with upcoming father’s day?
Dear @Michelle73, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you as you try to cope with such a devastating and recent loss. ❤️ We see your heartache, and we acknowledge the despair you must be feeling after the traumatic loss of your little grandson.
It sounds like you are feeling very isolated in your pain as you try to shield your daughter from your grief and avoid it being diminished by your husband (who no doubt wants to protect you from the anguish). The issue is that your grief is valid and MUST be witnessed. What you need most right now is the support of other people.
That’s why we’re so glad you have reached out to us here on the forums. And we’re wondering if there are others that can support you too. The Circle of Support activity here on our resource hub helps to identify who, why and how our support people are important to us, often bringing to mind support resources we hadn’t even considered. We hope it helps you to get the support you deserve.
Whilst you feel like you’re not coping we see so much strength in you…you have taken a step back to protect others and in doing so show immense compassion and courage. Keep engaging in your strengths and over time you may start to feel a little more empowered and find a little more hope for the days ahead.
Please keep in touch @Michelle73. We are here for you. 🌸
Dear @Ambert143, a warm welcome to the forums. We’re so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. Losing someone you love at such a young age and so unexpectedly can feel incomprehensible as well as devastating.
In this confusing time, it can be helpful to understand better what we’re going through. Our “Experiences of Grief” article on our resource hub says “when we have unexpectedly experienced grief or loss, our feelings or thoughts are linked to the unforeseen nature of the loss. It may feel like you are on a roller coaster ride. Shock, feeling numb, overwhelm and not knowing what to do are common and normal responses to a loss that was not anticipated. You may also find yourself very distressed, crying uncontrollably, unable to sleep, sleeping poorly or sleeping more than you would normally. Again, these responses are a very human and normal response to an unexpected grief and loss experience.”
Does that sound familiar to you?
The article goes on to talk about the importance of social support during this very difficult time. Talking to someone you trust can help ease the intensity of your emotions. Remember to treat yourself with kindness and compassion too. Ask people to help with practical things and tap into all the resources that are available to you like the Griefline Helpline (ring 1300 845 745).
@Ambert143, all relationships go through rocky times, despite this, he was your ‘soulmate’ and as the saying goes ‘Grief is a measure of our love’. So while it’s not going to be easy, hold on to hope and the support of others. You will get through this 💖 Keep in touch with us and let us know how you’re going – you are not alone in this grief journey. We are here for you. 🌸
“How do I cope with Father’s Day?” It’s an intense topic for many Griefline help-seekers this week. As the calendar creeps closer to the first Sunday in September, fear and dread continue to rise. Not just of the day itself but the days leading up to it.
One way of coping with Father’s Day is by practising Continuing Bonds. An evidence-based approach that invites you to maintain a sense of connection with your lost loved one by developing a new style of relationship with them. So rather than ‘getting over’ your Dad, you can focus on strengthening the bond you will always have with each other.
You can do this in many different ways, depending on what is meaningful for you. We created a ‘Father’s Day Gift List For A Dad That is Gone but not Forgotten’…it’s a selection of gifts that you might have given to your Dad if he were here. It’s poignant to note that you could still buy any one of these gifts in his name – to continue your bond.
Hanky embroidered with his initials
– To mop up the tears I’ll cry on Father’s Day (Have a hanky embroidered with his initials tucked into your pocket. It can bring comfort on a daily basis.)
– To tend to the garden I planted in his honour. (Plant something in memory of him. You’ll need to carve out time to tend to it, which is time to feel close to him. Feel a sense of pride as it blooms.)
Bottle of his favourite wine
– To share with loved ones at his favourite picnic spot (Make a visit to his special place and reminisce over his favourite food or drink. You’ll be immersed in precious memories, sparking moments of joy).
A cast-iron pot
– To replicate his secret goulash recipe to perfection (Recreate his signature meal or some other accomplishment to validate his unique strengths and ensure they are passed on to future generations)
– To express how much I miss him in a letter, and follow it up with a cheeky reply (Write a ‘hello again’ letter to help you stay in contact and communication with your Dad. Writing his reply as you think he would have keeps you in sync with his cherished personality)
– To create a legacy in his name so that he’ll always be remembered (Donate to his charity of choice or start a fundraiser to prevent more losses like your Dad. Creating a legacy in his name can give meaning to his loss).
Over to you Community Members…let us know some of the ways you’ve been able to Continue Bonds either with your Dad or another loved one. 🌸GodfreyfiveParticipant
Oh that is so very sad. I am so sorry. It is very recent and there is no way you can just “ get over it”. It may be how your husband is dealing with his own loss. You won’t get over it and instead you will find that you adjust to how things are now but that doesn’t mean you can ever forget your little grandson.Michelle73Participant
My grandson died on the 4th of July 2021 aged 7 months and 9 days. He died from Leaukemia. I cry every day and don’t know how to deal. I only have my husband as support, I will not burden my daughter (my grandsons mum) her own grief is insurmountable. My husband says I should just get over it etc etc. I just feel lost and don’t how to copeAmbert143Participant
My name is Amber I recently lost my ex boyfriend via cardiac arrest I’m having a really hard time dealing with this we was broken up and the time but was trying to work things out he was my soul mate and my true love 29 and his heart gave up 😭 I’m truly brokenMichaelParticipant
Here’s an absolutely beautiful poem by John Roedel, about alienation, grief and tuning into what’s happening in the body as a pathway to healing (includes great therapeutic first aid advice!)
my brain and
a decade ago
over who was
to blame about
how big of a mess
I have become
they couldn’t be
in the same room
with each other
now my head and heart
share custody of me
I stay with my brain
during the week
and my heart
gets me on weekends
they never speak to one another
– instead, they give me
the same note to pass
to each other every week
and their notes they
send to one another always
says the same thing:
“This is all your fault”
my heart complains
about how my
head has let me down
in the past
and on Wednesday
my head lists all
of the times my
heart has screwed
things up for me
in the future
they blame each
other for the
state of my life
there’s been a lot
of yelling – and crying
lately, I’ve been
spending a lot of
time with my gut
who serves as my
most nights, I sneak out of the
window in my ribcage
and slide down my spine
and collapse on my
gut’s plush leather chair
that’s always open for me
~ and I just sit sit sit sit
until the sun comes up
my gut asked me
if I was having a hard
time being caught
between my heart
and my head
I said I didn’t know
if I could live with
either of them anymore
“my heart is always sad about
something that happened yesterday
while my head is always worried
about something that may happen tomorrow,”
my gut squeezed my hand
“I just can’t live with
my mistakes of the past
or my anxiety about the future,”
my gut smiled and said:
“in that case,
go stay with your
lungs for a while,”
I was confused
– the look on my face gave it away
“if you are exhausted about
your heart’s obsession with
the fixed past and your mind’s focus
on the uncertain future
your lungs are the perfect place for you
there is no yesterday in your lungs
there is no tomorrow there either
there is only now
there is only inhale
there is only exhale
there is only this moment
there is only breath
and in that breath
you can rest while your
heart and head work
their relationship out.”
while my brain
was busy reading
and while my
heart was staring
at old photographs
I packed a little
bag and walked
to the door of
before I could even knock
she opened the door
with a smile and as
a gust of air embraced me
“what took you so long?”
~ john roedel (johnroedel.com)August 23, 2021 at 2:08 pm in reply to: 1 assault, 3 traumatic deaths, 10 years, empty shell #16128K4593Participant
Dear @Jemi, I am so sorry all this has happened to you and causing you such pain. I hear how broken you are, but I also hear how incredibly courageous you are and it sounds like you are doing all you can to get through this. I am glad that you have some loving supports around you, just know that we are here if you need someone outside those closest to you to talk with.August 20, 2021 at 10:25 am in reply to: 1 assault, 3 traumatic deaths, 10 years, empty shell #16125
Dear @Jemi, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you – this is an awful lot for one person to deal with. It’s heartbreaking to hear you so down on yourself despite withstanding so much loss and trauma in your life.
We wonder if you were to read a similar post by another community member would you be so critical of them? Or would you feel compassion for all that they have been through and be impressed that they continue to soldier on and do the best they can? …Sometimes it’s a good idea to step out of the overwhelm, stand back and look at ourselves from another person’s perspective to get a clearer picture.
And because things aren’t going well at work it’s likely your self-worth has taken a hit. Yet we see so many character strengths in you just from reading your post – resilience, determination, appreciation, work ethic… It’s easy to lose sight of our personal strengths at times like these but when we rediscover them and engage them we feel empowered to get a few wins and find hope again. The VIA character strengths survey in our ‘In Search of Lost Strengths Part 2’ article is a great evidence-based tool for realising the many things you have to offer.
We’re glad to see that you have equipped yourself with self-care resources including seeing a therapist. And we wonder how much grief work you have done? You have experienced multiple profound losses all in quick succession sometimes leads to complex grief. And living a very busy life with lots of responsibilities might have impacted your ability to carve out time to really process that grief.
It often takes a multi-layered approach and there may be some additional resources you could tap into …things like art therapy, writing as a way of healing or a support group. It might be a good idea to speak with your psych about what extra supports are suitable.
In the meantime, we hope that you can treat yourself with kindness because you deserve it. The self-care tools on our rest and relaxation page here might be a good start.
@Jemi, please keep in touch and let us know how you’re going. We are here for you. 🌸DiWutParticipant
Rest in peace…JemiParticipant
It sounds made up when I write it down, but I don’t know what else to say. I’m broken. I’m an angry, empty shell, that doesn’t ever quite make it to “happy”. Even with a super loving and supportive husband, great sisters, and an awesome daughter. I must be some kind of ridiculously ungrateful piece of crap.
2011 I was sexually and emotionally assaulted by my then boyfriend. 18 months later my daughters dad died in a motorcycle accident. 12 months after that my big sister died in a motorcycle accident. 18 months ago, my dad killed himself. All lots of singular reasons to feel crap, but combined, I’m a total wreck. I’m trying really hard, and failing at keeping a good job. But I am now under performance management because I’m crap. I can’t do anything right. It doesn’t matter how hard I work at being better, a better Mum, a better wife, a better worker, it’s just never good enough. At what point is it ok for me to give up? Cause I feel like I’m there, but I’m not allowed to.
What else am I supposed to do? I have to work to pay the mortgage. I have to get up every day or I lose my job. All I want to do is, well, nothing. Be nothing.
I have step sons that are scared of me. I’m apparently scary at work so am no longer allowed to manage my team. At what point do I just throw in all the towels? When is that ok? Should I just ask to be more medicated? I’ve been seeing a psych for years. I take mood stabilisers and Valium. Nothing seems enough. Maybe it’s just me.
Dear @Bel95, welcome to the forums. We’re sorry that it’s taken some time to catch up with your post. We value you and your story and thank you for sharing it with us. Our hearts go out to you for the loneliness you’re feeling after such a sudden break-up.
It’s been a week now since you posted and we’re wondering how things have progressed? It seems like COVID is really starting to take a toll on so many in our forums now. Isolation and a lack of social support only serve to amplify our grief whether it’s for someone who has died or the death of a relationship. Knowing that you are not alone in your experience is sometimes helpful so you might like to check out and engage with @ezza2432 ’s post here – she too is feeling lonely and isolated having moved towns and grieving over a boyfriend’s death some time ago + relationships ending since.
We understand how debilitating loneliness can be…and the desperate need for human connection but remember when you reach out to talk to people they too might be lonely and truly grateful that you reached out to them. Our article on Relationship Loss expands on this … “Recognise that everyone is flawed and makes mistakes. Although we often think that everyone else has their life sorted out correctly, recognising that we are all in the same boat and that everyone fumbles for the right word or feels unsure about what to say at times. We all do it at some time”. You can read more here.
@Bel95 you’ve been through a lot, and you deserve compassion. Be kind to yourself and know that things won’t always be like this…they will get better. But to help you through perhaps try some of the meditation/journaling and breathing exercises here on our Mindfulness page.
We hope these are helpful for now, please let us know how you’re going and keep in touch. We are here for you. 🌸
Dear @ezza2342, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your experience with us here. Our hearts go out to you for the traumatic experience you were faced with at only 15 years of age – a time when you’re still learning to regulate your emotions. It must have been so difficult. We hope you had good support from family and/or friends at the time.
You describe your anxiety sky-rocketing this year and unfortunately, this is something we’re hearing more and more. COVID has been so tough on people your age especially in terms of socialisation. And it’s even worse for people who have unresolved grief because isolation and ‘stopping still’ has provided space for the grief to re-surface.
You talk about missing your first boyfriend in a different way and we wonder if this is a sign of your grief progressing into a new phase. Early on we can be numb to the grief but as time goes on the finality of the loss hits us. This is when we can feel a real emptiness because the reality of them never coming back sets in. Does this sound a little like what you’re going through?
The fact that you’ve achieved so much since the tragedy of losing your boyfriend including navigating new relationships and moving to attend university, indicates to us that you have many strengths – including resilience, drive and motivation. Sometimes when we’re going through so much turmoil we lose sight of our strengths but by tapping into them we feel empowered to find ways to move through these challenging times.
So if you feel up to it try doing the strengths assessment in our article “In Search of Lost Strengths 1”. It might open your eyes to how strong and amazing you are! And you’ll also find a ‘circle of support’ activity within Part 2 of the article which can be helpful in recognising the people around you who are worth connecting with to ease the isolation.
We hope this is of some help for now but please let us know how you are going @ezza2342. We are here for you. 🌸K4593Participant
I am so very sorry to hear about Arlo.
I wish I could say something to provide you with some comfort at this time. I lost my dog Rupert at a young age, he was only 3 and I was devastated. He loved me unconditionally and always seemed to know what I needed. There were times when I was too sad to even talk about it. What helped me in those moments was writing down how I felt in a journal I was keeping at the time, which allowed me to release some of my sadness. I had many funny stories about Rupert that I shared with others to honour his memory.
Please know we are here for you if you would like to talk or share any memories about Arlo.
Dear @beclovesarlo, a warm welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you over the loss of your amazing Arlo. It sounds like he was an integral part of your life, and it’s clear that his loss is devastating to you especially because it was so sudden.
It might help you to know that you’re not alone in feeling like life sucks after losing a pet you loved so much. There are quite a few posts from community members who felt the same way. Like you, some of them also question how they can cope without their dog or cat. But they somehow find a way … check out @Kerry’s post here where she talks about losing her dog Chloe; “I had some very dark, low months. The things that helped me the most were: to talk about her with people who love animals, and who didn’t tell me to get over it …. Second, to remind myself of the crazy quirky things she used to do that made me laugh…”
Seeing you’re finding the people in your life hard to deal with right now it’s great that you’ve reached out to the forums community…because right now, you deserve the kindness and understanding of people who get what you’re going through.
You also deserve some self-compassion. Maybe ask yourself how you would treat Arlo if he was feeling low …you’d probably try to lift his spirits by getting some fresh air. Try turning that love around on yourself and do something good for you.
We hope that there are others on the forums who get what you’re going through too. Keep in touch. You are not alone. We are here for you. 🌸ezza2342Participant
In 2017, the first guy I ever dated committed suicide after nearly 3 months together. We were both 15. Only really knowing him for 3 months doesn’t sound like a lot, but I got lucky. He seemed like the happiest person in the world, and he definitely made things better for everyone around him. Our families are both so alike, but we only realised that after we lost him. It’s been 4 years, I’m now 19, and I still don’t understand what’s going on with me. Not long after we lost him, I fell in love with his cousin/best friend, I think it was because he was one of the next closest things that resembled him, but it nearly killed me. I was in love with his cousin for about 2 years, on and off sometimes, but it was so strong I didn’t feel like it was worth being alive if I didn’t see him. Finally towards the end of 2019, I was able to move past it. I’ve had 2 boyfriends since and I felt like I dealt with that normally, but neither of them compared to my first. I felt like I didn’t really have repercussions until this year, where my anxiety sky-rocketed as a “supposed” physical reaction to the grief years later. I have feelings for his older brother now sometimes, but maybe that’s because of the isolation of COVID19 and not meeting anyone new. I feel more isolated because I just moved to university and can’t really make friends due to lockdown. Recently it’s been hurting more than it has in a while. I miss him in a different way than I did before. I know that very very few will understand or have much advice, because what can possibly be said or done? But I needed to put this out there, and if you took the time to read this, thank you.beclovesarloParticipant
Anyone else lost their dog at a young age?
I can’t seem to relate to anyone who lost their pets because most people’s pets lived longer. My dog died suddenly at 4 years old a few weeks ago and I’m angry frustrated and I feel like I’m alone.
I loved my dog more than my own family and I knew he was gonna die later on in life. But he was 4. He was healthy. And now he’s dead. I finally found a nice pet friendly place for him and then he dies. I just feel like there is no point to anything anymore. I don’t like people and arlo was the best. I hate that I have to live in this world with people. I wish arlo could just come back to life. Life sucks without him. I’m not even in lockdown. But either way I am because arlo is gone. So nothing matters. I will never leave my house again. I don’t wanna see people because I hate people. My dog was the one who helped me get out of bed. Anyway. I hate that he’s dead. He shouldn’t be. But whatever.
Dear @j.sinclair84 welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your loss experience with our community. Our hearts are with you at this devastating time.
Losing your Dad at his young age is so difficult – you describe your heart feeling ‘empty’. Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that you are not alone in your grief response. Feeling numb – even in a state of disbelief is a common reaction in the early days following such a profound loss.
Having your boys grieving for their Poppy adds another layer of pain for you. As parents, we want to fix things for our kids. Unfortunately, this is the one thing you are unable to fix. However, by talking about it with your boys in an open and sensitive way the three of you will feel less alone in your grief experience. You’ll find more information about grief and loss for children and adolescents here on our resource hub.
With such a lot on your plate, it’s also really important to be kind to yourself and to treat yourself with patience and compassion. Give yourself permission to not cope even just for a little while – by asking others for support. Allow yourself to be ‘held’ by others in these early days as you get yourself back on your feet.
@j.sinclair84, please keep reaching out to us here on the forums…we are here for you. 🌸
Dear @Bunny69, a warm welcome to the forums. We are so grateful to have you here and to see your supportive engagement with other community members. Despite your own heartache, you have shown incredible empathy for others …we hope your generosity of spirit brings some comfort to you just as it does them. 🌈
It is less than a week since the loss of your brother and our hearts go out to you. We are encouraged to see that you have adopted a number of coping strategies to help with your unique grief experience. We agree that crying can be very therapeutic – it’s a self-embrace when there are no words to truly express the sadness.
And we’re interested in your strategy of ‘re-programming your mind’ to see yourself as well as your brother when you come across things that remind you of him … we’d love to know more about this self-care tool if you would like to share. Learning from other’s coping strategies is one of the most supportive aspects of the forums. Such as @Sad_Daughter’s post from August 9, in which she shares how she’s navigated her grief journey since the loss of her beloved father “I have an old jumper of his – one that he’d actually worn when I was a baby (I have a photo of him wearing it and holding me) so at night, in bed, I’d just hug it for comfort. I also lit a candle every night next to his photos and poured through old photo albums…” We encourage everyone to read it – it is really inspiring and may be helpful to you too.
@Bunny69 we hope you will continue to share with us and that you receive the same support and understanding from others. We are here for you. 🌸
A simple animation that speaks to the reality of grief never leaving us. But gives us hope that we can ‘grow around it’.
Dear @tamar1, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you as you grieve for your brother. Thank you for sharing your story of loss with us – we hope you will find understanding and support from others in our community. It sounds like there are several factors contributing to a feeling of being alone in your grief. Firstly, COVID and the difficulties it presents to travel interstate and perhaps be with your other siblings. And also, the response of those closest to you. Your husband’s reaction must have been quite distressing, but it might be helpful to know that this is not an uncommon reaction from the people who love us. Many people feel ill-equipped to help someone through grief – often because of their own childhood and life experiences. They may find talking about death and a loss of this magnitude too overwhelming. Equally, they hate to see you distressed. So rather than face the loss they diminish it and try to rush you to ‘get over it’.
The fact is that we all experience grief in our own way. No one can predict how it will affect you nor how long it might take. For some of us the grief will always be there – we just learn to manage it… or at best we grow around it.
We are heartened to hear of your strategies to ‘continue bonds’ with your brother…playing his music and cooking his favourite foods is a wonderful way to stay close to him. You speak of the great relationship you had with him, and these are lovely ways to ensure your connection stays strong.
Perhaps it would be helpful to be reminded of your other strengths for help with navigating the grief journey in your own way. The ‘In Search of Lost Strengths Part 1 and 2’ article on our resource hub has some excellent ideas to support you with this; In Search of Lost Strengths Part 1.
@tamar1, we hope you will keep in touch and let us know how you are going. We are here for you. 🌸
Hi@sar-kat, welcome to the forums and our hearts are with you at this devastating time. What you are going through is a form of grief known as anticipatory grief. As you say it is an incredibly rough process to go through. Calling on you to muster up all your strength to be supportive of your boyfriend and treasure the moments you have together. And yet at the same time being weighed down by feelings of anxiety and dread. Anticipatory grief can bring up all the emotions of post-loss grief as well as the fatigue and stress that comes with caring for a loved one in this situation.
It’s important for you to look after yourself at this time. Practice self-care and treat yourself with kindness. Social support is a key self-care strategy that’s why we’re so happy you’ve reached out here – talking to others with a shared experience and knowing that you are not alone can be really helpful. We hope that you also have friends and/or family to talk to?
You might also like to take a look at our self-care tools here on our mindfulness page. In particular, journaling might be therapeutic in your situation… putting down your feelings on paper and tracking your grief response day by day will help to focus on your own journey. Because in situations like this we often get swallowed up by our loved one’s experience and forget that we too are facing something extraordinarily challenging.
We hope that there are others on the forums who can share their similar experience and perhaps the ways that they’ve managed to get through…
Let us know how you’re going @sar-kat. We are here for you. 🌸Bunny69Participant
Hi danji, your mum was irreplaceable. It is very hard. Make imaginary conversation with her and just imagine what she would say to you if she was still alive. She would want you to eat well and look after yourself. Every day is a new day of struggle. When I lost my mum in 2007 it took me a few years to get used to living without her. Life will never be the same. Try to build your life one piece back at a time. Only time can heal the hurt and pain.