Forum Replies Created
A message of care and support going out to those currently affected by the fires in and around greater Perth.
It was a great relief to see that ground and aircrews kept the fire front just far enough away from homes in Ocean Farm Estate and Seaview Park. An amazing effort by the Firies, first responders and residents. However, it must have been a very frightening ordeal for everyone…so if you’re struggling with feelings of grief, loss or trauma please reach out.
Whether you’re a first responder, a resident or holiday-maker, we speak for the entire Griefline community when we say we’re thinking of everyone affected across the state and hoping for imminent containment.
Feel free to join in with a message of support…Briony JamesParticipant
Hi Tanae, I’m so sorry to hear of Honey’s passing, I can hear how heartbreaking it is for you. Processing such an unexpected loss is tough and it can feel like it’s impossible, but with time you will be able to move through the pain. Grief and loss is a unique process for each person but the most important thing is to have the support you need and deserve, so it’s great that you felt able to post here. Honey holds such a precious place in your life and that lives in all your memories of her. When I lost my dog Diesel while I was on holiday it felt unfair that I wasn’t home and my grief was so deep having had him for 14 years. I found it helpful to talk about him and write down in a journal some of the stories I had of his life with me. I also put his collar beside some photos on my bedside table, just to feel a sense of honouring his passing each night. It took a few months but I felt able to process the loss gradually.tanaeParticipant
Hi. My name is Tanae and I just need someone to talk to. No one understands this devastating loss I’m experiencing. My family and I are on holidays and our dogs were being looked after by a work mate. My beloved Pugalier Honey tragically passed away just 6 days after we left for our holiday. She dug her way out and got stuck between two fences for 4 hours with no food or water, on a very hot day. She passed away to sun stroke and dehydration. I am completely shattered and heartbroken. I don’t know if I can move past this loss. She was my baby. We did everything together. Today is exactly two weeks and today I also got a call from the vets to notify me she’s been cremated. Absolutely shattered.
Hi @danij, a very warm welcome to the Griefline forums community. Our hearts go out to you for the distress you are feeling at the recent loss of your Mum. We are so glad you have joined our community so that you can share your pain with others who have similar experiences – it will help you to unburden yourself a little and hopefully feel less alone.
It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed by grief right now which is so understandable. You’re feeling numb and exhausted which often happens at this early stage of grief and yet you’ve been able to reach out to the forum to ask for help and also to help others which is testament to your incredible inner strength. Expressing our experience is a coping strategy we might not even recognise…it helps us identify our thoughts and feelings and, though it’s so difficult, we sometimes have to sit with these feelings so we can process them, let them soften and over time move through them.
Having an understanding of grief and loss is often helpful so please feel free to access the information on the Griefline Resource Hub.
It sounds like you shared a beautiful bond with your mum. Some people see the intensity of our grief as a measure of our love for the one we have lost, and rather than trying to suppress our grief, suggest we honour what it represents. Continuing the bonds you shared with your mum might be a comforting way to do this. There are many ways to do this – like lighting a candle alongside her photo, planting a tree in her memory, wearing a piece of her jewellery, perhaps writing a letter to her or even just talking with others about your mum and your relationship – whatever feels right for you.
Something that might also help is to practice mindfulness and you can find some soothing mindfulness recordings on the Griefline website here.
@danij please know that you need not feel alone. We are here for you as you travel this ‘rollercoaster’ ride and we welcome you to touch base as often as you need.danijParticipant
I am sorry for what you are going through. I recently lost my Mum and lost my Dad when i was 24 years of age. I can never and still don’t understand loss but want to tell you that it’s important you look after yourself and take the time to tell your Dad what you feel is important. Living with regrets is painful or living with what you ‘should’ have said or ‘could’ have said but don’t can make grief so much harder as well. Losing one parent is hard enough let alone two! All I have to say is value the time you have left with your Dad- tell him what you feel is important to tell him- not only what you think he wants to hear but what you want to share with him. It might be a favourite memory or something funny he always says or a funny look. Most of all- if you are a hugging type- hug him lots. I would do anything to be able to give my Mum and Dad just one more hug or to see their smile just one more time. Grief sucks and is exhausting, but I feel through the grief if you can hang onto living with no regrets regarding the connection you have with your loved one I feel it helps the grieving process so much more. Amongst all this uncertainty and grief you are experiencing please look after yourself. You cannot give to someone else if your glass is empty and you have nothing to give.(I hope that makes sense). Take care. I feel your pain.danijParticipant
My Mum passed away a few weeks ago. I feel devastated and so alone. I feel like I have no none left in my life that loves me. I’m just taking it one day at a time at the moment, problem is I feel like this rollercoaster I am on is pretty exhausting. I don’t want to be overrun by my grief but I just can’t shake it.
Happy New Year to everyone in our growing First Responders community! Continuing on the topic of self-care, thought we’d post a grab from an excellent article on the new Griefline Resource Hub…it’s an interview with ‘Margot’ – a palliative care nurse who discusses getting through COVID, self-care and support networks and helping people say goodbye…below is an excerpt and you can check out the whole story here…
‘Crisis situations ask a lot of first responders, creating the need for increased vigilance and added safety protocols. During lockdown, restrictions also cut people off from their healthy coping mechanisms like going to the footy, the gym, or seeing their friends. It can be helpful to create new rituals and coping mechanisms, like changing clothes or showering when you get home to help you feel like you’ve transitioned out of the workday. Reading, cooking healthy and comforting meals, and getting out of the house to exercise are all key to wellbeing. “And having a dog is a godsend,” Margot says. She recalls that during the lockdown, she and her colleagues would meet to check-in, walk their dogs together and use the time to debrief about work.’
Our list of self-care rituals/tips is growing…let us know if you have something to share…
Hi there. Today is a much better day.I think my medication is working. I’ve been relaxing today, watching Sopranos box set I got for Xmas. Last night had some family over for dinner which was nice. Thanks for checking in on me
Hi @Vschiavone, sorry to hear that yesterday was particularly hard for you – we’re just checking in with you to see how you’re feeling today?
You mentioned that your depression comes and goes…hoping today was an easier day for you. Have you had a chance to engage in some of the things that make life a bit more bearable and perhaps bring some hope? Maybe you enjoy reading, going for a walk, cooking…or perhaps journalling or meditation helps?
Feel free to let us know how you’re going and what makes things better…we’re here to support you and your experience might help others too.
Hi @j21405, welcome to the Griefline online forums and thank you for your bravery in sharing your story.
It seems you experienced a profound loss at a very young age and then had to rely on your Dad who despite trying his best, may not have always been fully present due to his own challenges. All of these factors are likely to have developed in you a deep fear of bereavement and yet now you face the loss of another parent.
You may have heard of anticipatory or pre-loss grief which sounds like what you’re experiencing. It can bring on symptoms which include fear, sadness and anger – a lot like the symptoms of grief after the loss has occurred.
Many people find that preparedness can be helpful in reducing the intensity of your pre and post-loss grief. It can decrease anxiety while also bringing feelings of reward and hope. Preparedness can involve having accurate on-going information about your Dad’s condition and also having practical arrangements in place such as financial matters.
Social support is also very important. The way you talk of your sister, the challenges you shared growing up and your shared love of your Dad shows a strong and special bond which will be a real resource and strength as you navigate the difficult journey ahead.
Already you are showing such strength in your approach to your father’s illness. By reaching out on this forum you’re engaging in help-seeking which can be very effective in managing your grief. There are lots of other ways to access help such as one-on-one or group counselling but becoming a part of our community is a really positive first choice. There are sure to be others within our community who can identify and share their stories and maybe even ways of coping.
A warm welcome @j21405, we are here for you as you travel on this very difficult journey.j21405Participant
I was 6 when I lost my mum to breast cancer. My dad went it alone to look after my sister and I, along the way battling alcohol abuse and mental illness. Because of this, our relationship with our dad was tumultuous, however we love him dearly and often turn to him for his advice and wisdom. He now has cancer and the prognosis isn’t good. I’m 28 now, and my sister is nearly 30. We’re looking down the barrel of losing our dad in early adulthood and it scares the hell out of me and saddens me tremendously. He won’t experience the joy of seeing us get married, have children of our own, nor grow into the adults he wished for us to be. We’re going into adulthood without a rudder and I’m so afraid of the future. I know of few people my age who’ve lost a parent let alone their second. If anyone has a similar experience I would appreciate hearing it.
hey @vschiavone, im sorry to hear that youre struggling today.
its a hard time at the moment with changes happening suddenly with the borders. i understand. its good to hear that youre looking after yourself and it must have been so nice to facetime with your son even though it doesnt replace being together in person. you keep looking after yourself though. we are here to listen.
Hi , I’m really struggling with depression today, feeling terrible and crying a lot. I’ve had depression for a long time and know that it gets better but at times like this it’s hard to believe I will get through this. I have increased my dose of medication a week ago but it takes a while to take effect. Feeling so down, it’s torture.
Hello everyone. Xmas was not great this year. I did FaceTime call with my son on Xmas morning which was nice but can’t replace being with him. I feel like I’ve been robbed of the usual family closeness we have at this time of year. It’s very hard for so many people who have been separated by Covid restrictions. I’m hoping they open the qld/nsw border soon so we can get together. I really miss my son and it is very hard to be apart.
Hello @Vschiavone, welcome to the forums and we hope you were able to find some joy at Christmas-time despite missing your son. The pain you described caused by not seeing him and feeling like your ‘heart is breaking’ is very understandable and a normal human reaction to being disconnected to loved ones at this time.
This link to a recent ABC radio report on the grief and loss Australians are experiencing due to COVID might help give you more of an understanding of the impacts of being apart and being unable to mark celebrations together. We hope it helps you to know that you are not going through this alone.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you’re going.
Hello @tobz9988 and welcome to the Griefline forums. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story with our community. At Griefline we support many people who experience grief, loss and loneliness due to the breakdown of a relationship – whether it was long-term or short-term. It might help to know that all of these thoughts and feelings are normal human responses to your situation.
Often when a relationship ends we grieve for the loss of the life we dreamed of having with that person and that can be very distressing. However, by reaching out to our community you have shown a lot of strength and the capacity for self-care. Staying connected to others and expressing our feelings is an excellent coping tool. It helps us to recognise and process our difficult thoughts and feelings and move through them over time.
You mentioned that early on in the relationship the person you were seeing broke it off leaving you devastated, however you managed to overcome it. It might be helpful to reflect on how you were able to overcome that initial devastation. We all have personal strengths that help us get through challenging times and yet we are often unaware of them. It might be bravery, perseverance, forgiveness, hope, humour or something else…think about what it was that helped you then? Try to tap into these strengths to get you through again.
Another coping strategy is to channel our hurt into positive interests such as exercise, getting out into nature, creative pursuits and friendships. Engage in your passions to help you get through. You might even find that over time you have grown from your experience.
Finally, remember to give yourself permission to take things a bit easier right now and to recognise that transitioning out of a relationship takes time. While you feel that you can never trust again this may change over time. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal.
Wishing you all the best @tobz9988 – let us know how you’re getting on. You are warmly welcomed here.tobz9988Participant
I’ll try to keep this as short as I can.
I’m having difficulty accepting the end of a very new and promising relationship.
I met a guy and we went on a date and we got on really well, far better than anyone I’d met before. He had been seeing someone else casually at the time also, and the more we hung out together, the more it became clear he needed to make a choice. He asked the other guy if he’d like to start a relationship with him, to which the other guy said no. Although, after knowing that he liked someone else, he took that back, so the guy I was seeing needed to make a choice between us both. He told me after dinner one night that he was thinking of choosing me, but a day or two later met up with me and told me he had actually chosen to persue a relationship with the other guy. I was devestated, but was managing to overcome it. 4 days later, he contacted me and asked to see me. He told me he’d made a huge mistake and that he missed me and had chosen the other guy for the wrong reasons. I took him back and eventually we started a relationship with each other. It was really good, we enjoyed each other’s company so much. He told me things about the other guy that he didn’t love him how he loved me, how he’d dodged a bullet, how he really thought the other guy was just meant to be a good friend, and how he didn’t like the person he was when he was with him. After almost 2 weeks of being together he told me he wasn’t sure anymore. He knew he loved me, but he had to choose between a “person” (me) and a “lifestyle”. I knew at this point a breakup was coming. We spoke about it a lot for long periods of time, and he could not tell me that he was not going to get back with the other guy (as they were back in contact and needed to meet up to give each other personal items back). Eventually he called me and said he had decided to not be in a relationship and focus on himself, because he didn’t want to live here and wants to travel the world and live in foreign countries. I accepted this but said it would be hard and I was not okay with what had happened. He said give it a few days and we would talk again. It’s been 9 days now without any contact at all. I sent him a Merry Christmas message on Christmas day which was ignored. I do think he is back ini a relationship with the other guy, and it hurts. I said if he did get back with the other guy that I would find it difficult nearing impossible to stay in contact.
I know it was a short thing, but it was genuine and felt extremely right. I hadn’t had that with someone for years. What makes it harder is that he said he still had strong feelings for me, and that it was all about him and I’d done nothing wrong.
I feel extremely alone and like I’ll be alone for a very long time and not be able to find anyone to have that with again. And I feel it’s very hard to trust again.
I’m not finding it easy to cope. It’s been a while now and I’m still getting overcome by grief and a sense of emptiness and loss.
I’m sorry it was so long, I just thought all the details were needed.
You are amazing Thanku so much
Your just what the doctor ordered.
Please take care of u. Speak soon.
My brother dropped off my 8 year old niece to stay for Afew days. We are gonna make pancakes. She’s a handful.
Will speak soon.
hey @effie i didnt think you were selfish at all. we all have our grief. remember its very recent too that your dad passed away. its normal for you to feel many feelings. its interesting that you heard footsteps in the house. i sometimes hear my mums voice. its nice to feel like i have some kind of connection in that way, even if it is just my brain coping with the loss. sometimes i write a letter to her and then wonder what she might write back to me and write that too. it sounds a bit silly but its my way of keeping connected, I guess. you are compassionate and kind to continue to be there for your mum and look after her. make sure you look after yourself too. i know it hurts when we feel like we are the ones pulling all the weight but others seem to just be cruising and unaffected. give yourself time. try to focus on your breathing, remind yourself whats important to you. and make sure youre eating well, drinking water, and try to get some good nights sleep. sometimes when im struggling a lot, i ask myself,”what would mum tell me right now” and the answer pops up. i dont know if my post helps you but i hope it does.
You know I’m really disgusted with my sister n how she has treated my
Mum from the day dad passed away.
No contact just rude disrespectful
No support whatsoever. Yet I have seen her at the cemetery Afew times with crocodile tears.
Mum cry’s everyday regarding my sister. I feel she is selfish and my
Does not deserve this.
I’m at the point where I don’t want to see my sister or talk to her I’m over it. She can be with her gold digger boyfriend but she looses everything else. And for me. Once I make my mind up. I can’t go back. I’m done. Who knows maybe I’m the selfish one. But I don’t think so. My life has not changed. I’m still here caring gor mum. Whilst she’s living her life.
I hate her not my sister anymore.
She’s an idiot in my eyes.
Thanku so much.
I’m just speechless I feel stupid for speaking up. But it’s how I feel and I’m just crying everyday now can cope with anything just overwhelmed
I will reach out.
Thanku so much
Yes I’m glad I reached out. But my feelings go deeper in that I feel it’s my fault, I feel I failed him by allowing him to pass away. I looked after him medically in every way at home. I kept him out of hospital for so long. I guess
I feel it’s my fault I didn’t fix him. I’m struggling with the fact he aspirated and I wasn’t there when it happened
I’m want him back and I’m lost without dad.
Thanku so much
Hi Gl friend
Thanku so much.
But hearing ur story has made me feel
A little selfish. I’m so sorry I’m hoping I don’t look like I feel I’m the only one going through this. I’m just struggling and really am lost at what has happened.
I’m so sorry about ur mum n I hope u have been getting through this time, I’m glad u are doing what counts for u and the memory of ur mum. Undoubtedly who was a major mentor in your life.
You are amazing and Thanku for responding I’m glad I reached out. But I’m still struggling I just hope it eases in the future. I’m
Sick to the stomache over it. And I must say I know this will sound dumb, but Katy night after I wrote online I heard footsteps through the house. I believe it’s dad checking up on me n my mum. As whilst my dad was it I slept at mum n dads for eight years and still do as mum is not well so I’m still here with her.
I feel he is here with us and I feel he is not happy with my sister at all it would not please him what she has done.
I’m just beside myself and I want to see him. You know everyday I go to cemetery and ask him to come take me.
I can’t explain it. I’m lost.
Thanku you are amazing
Hello @Effie, thank you for showing such strength in sharing your distress and feelings of loneliness and isolation. It sounds like you are going through a really rough time, made even more difficult by Christmas which often brings up disharmony in families. The good news is that you are now part of a caring community who are here to support you – so you need not feel alone.
There is so much going on for you right now – with the passing of your father, the pressure of being a carer, feeling judged and betrayed… and yet you have the bravery and strength to post here on the forums. At times like these, when we feel overwhelmed and rejected and maybe like we’re ‘losing our marbles’, it’s important not to forget our unique strengths and gifts. You show such resilience and compassion for others. It shines through in your post and your caring for your nephews and niece. Try to shift your focus to these and all your other attributes – they are what make you the special human you are.
It is concerning to hear about the years of abuse you have endured. Your safety is vital so if you are in immediate danger please reach out to one of the services available to victims of domestic abuse in your state. A good place to start is 1800 RESPECT.
@Effie please keep in touch and stay well. We’re here for you.
Hello @Effie. Welcome to the Griefline forums community – we are so glad you are here. You have shown such strength to share your intense grief at the loss of your Dad with whom you clearly had a very special bond. Also to let us know the struggles you’re experiencing with feelings and thoughts of anger, hurt and betrayal. Please know that you have come to a supportive space to express your pain and in return receive understanding from others with shared experience.
You ask if you are over reacting or wrong in feeling the way you do and the answer is no… because everyone grieves differently. The feelings and thoughts that come up can surprise and confuse us but they are our own unique response to the loss. As @GL friend says – be kind, and honour yourself. In your heart of hearts you know that you did everything you could to ease your father’s pain and suffering and show him absolute love in his final years. Your care and compassion for him despite having to make significant sacrifices was a precious gift to both of you because no one can ever take it away.
Sometimes when people around us are behaving in ways we feel are unfair or at odds with the situation, it helps to remember that they too are responding to the loss in their unique way which is built on a complex range of thoughts and feelings.
Time is a great healer in these situations as is talking through your experience – just as you are doing here. It helps to remember that the process of healing is more like a marathon than a sprint so it can be wise to take our time in making big decisions about life and family.
Having a good understanding of grief and loss is often helpful so you might like to access the information on the Griefline Resource Hub .
Another helpful tool to give you some much needed respite from distress is Griefline’s ‘Reflecting on Positive Experiences‘ mindfulness recording.
Take care and let us know how you’re faring @Effie.
- This reply was modified 10 months ago by onlinecommunity.
i am so sorry to hear about your loss. you are not overreacting at all. you deserve the time and space to be able to grieve the passing of your dad. i think funerals are sacred events but some people just dont understand or respect that. ive never understood why.
i lost my mum a few years ago.. and i dont talk to my sister anymore after years of trying. i felt like it was affecting the way i wanted to remember mum so i just did what i felt was right for me.
it sounds like you did the best you could to make sure your dad felt safe and comfortable. youre a wonderful person and daughter for doing that.
i cant tell you what to do but i think you should follow your gut. i find it comforting to think of all the good memories i have with my mum. sometimes i cook her favourite food. i put a picture of her on the fridge so shes watching me cooking (i learnt everything i know from her). on xmas, i lit a candle in her memory and cried my heart out. she lived fireworks. idk what will happen with nye this year but if there are fireworks, ill be thinking of her. yes, there will always be distractions and people who want to deter me from my memories and time with mum, but, they dont have control over my thoughts. and they dont have control over your thoughts either. your time and your memories with your dad are precious and you are allowed to grieve in the way that feels right for you. sending you lots of courage. you keep being you and be kind to yourself.
I have been caring for my nephews n niece for 8 years
It’s a carer situation. My husbands family has done nothing but abuse me for 7 and a half years. My husband does not support me or stick up for me he just makes excuses. I am sick and he is more worried about everyone else than what’s in front of his face. And has done this for years. He tells me I’m living in the past to let it go. But when ur traumatised by toxic people being his family, abusing me and blaming me for their drug addiction and mistakes it’s not past it’s trauma and present.
I’m so alone I feel I lead a single life. I feel I’m being used Cos it’s easy cos I’m an idiot. He keeps calling them his kids.
They are not his kids.
I get abused for years and now he thinks it’s ok to have a relationship with his family, like it’s ok. Well it’s not I don’t see this working out. I’m sick of being used, I’m sick of being abused and not supported by the one person that should. I can only put it to one thing. He just does not give a damn. Blood is thicker than water.
But my life is gone now. My life is not my own it’s been dictated by morons.
I’m sick of this.
And now loosing my dad recently I just want to be with him. This is crap. This is not the life I signed up for.
I’m actually hating everyone in my life
Enough is enough.
Christmas was shit and I’m sick of being judged.
Lost my marbles, right.
I lost my dad 9 weeks ago
He died of aspiration pneumonia
But he had terminal kidney cancer.
I’m struggling with how I’m feeling.
I was his full time carer, I have a sister who doesn’t give a damn is treating my mum like crap. Have found out she is back stabbing me to strangers.
I lost my job I was full time with dad for 8 years while she was still living her life. Working etc.
All I wanted was to make sure dad was safe, not scared, loved and didn’t go to a nursing home. I achieved that and more. But my sister has really made me so upset I can’t function. She even went to the extent of letting her boyfreind come to dads funeral with a red flower shirt and red shoes. Wearing sunglasses in church and fondling with her the whole service plus giggling etc.
I feel he wanted focus on him. Well he succeeded instead of a funeral about dad. It was a funeral about him and his stupid antics.
This looser is a gold digger and he has caused so much upset to myself and my mum.
My dad did not deserve that. This looser never came to see dad once while he was ill.
I go visit dad at the cemetery everyday and cry everyday. I’m beside myself with grief. I want dad to come back.
I’m so upset I just told my sister never to speak to me again after finding out she has been back stabbing me for years. This was the final straw. I hate her for what she has done and what she is doing.
Mum is not well and I feel she will put her with dad sooner than expected.
I feel I do all the work and get abused and judged but I’m not doing anything wrong.
I just want to grieve the loss of dad not deal with this crap.
Am I over reacting. Am I wrong in feeling this way.
At Griefline we understand that the festive season can be a time of joy but also sadness. We grieve those we have lost and miss the times we spent together. This post is to let you know that all of us at Griefline are thinking of our community at this time. We hope that you can find some peace and moments of joy in the memories of your loved ones. Sometimes reminiscing about them is soothing – looking at a photo, holding a memento, reading something they wrote…they are all ways to continue the bond you have with that person – a bond that will always remain.
This forum is also a welcome space to tell us about your loved one … the community would love to hear all about them.December 25, 2020 at 9:47 am in reply to: WATCH THIS SPACE to link through to our new Community Events Calendar! #13870
Christmas Day at Morwell by the Morwell Lions Club.
For people who are lonely or have fallen on hard times – nobody is turned away.
At the Morwell Senior Citizens Hall at 2-4 Maryvale Crescent Morwell – near the Rose Garden, from 11-2.
For bookings please ring Jenni on 0411 114 773.