Forum Replies Created
Hi. Trying to write to you but been blocked. Not sure what’s going on.
As far as the kids go, we’ll it’s easy for the family to pass blame on me for the kids upbringing Cos they are still in denial about the drug abuse.
They have nothing to loose blaming me for anything. They sure as hell don’t want the kids, if they did they would have fought for them. But not once did anyone fight.
Just she’ll be right. Glorified babysitter and we see them once a year and act like it’s a normal happy family.
Whilst I’ve been abused and traumatised by the most toxic people I know.
No judgement just saying.
No one supported me and still no one supports me
But in saying this as there is no tone in writing I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.
Yes I’m angry and was angry and now I’m just angry at myself for allowing things to get to this stage.
I’ve allowed people to treat me like this
But I’m now at a no more stage.
My siblings can go to hell. My husbands family can go to hell. I’m just done with it.
It was easier with dad here Cos at least I knew where I stood.
This is about you and not me because, right at this moment, I’m here for you. I’m pleased that you acknowledged there’s some anger but I’d also like you to consider the feelings of abandonment from the people around you. It sounds to me like you were the one who took responsibility for your father and other things and no one else could be bothered, and even in the way you described your relationship with your father. Trying to put myself in your position, I’d feel really angry and let down. Who the heck/hell was there to support me (in my imagination of your experience) so who was there for you? No one by the sounds of it. Okay; so what can we do with that? Well, for a start we can probably acknowledge that you’re pretty damn tough. What do you think?
Anger yes abandonment no.
Idiot, sucker yes
I don’t wish this life experience on anyone.
I’m hoping you difficultly is not draining, I’m hoping u can get through whatever it is, no judgement, I’ve never judged but I get judged and I guess I’m lost because of it.
Okay. I’m hearing a huge amount of anger and resentment. Howabout for this moment we focus on one thing and we can look at another on another day. I’m sure we can easily connect given my profile name is up there for everyone to see. I sense there’s a feeling of abandonment but I could be wrong. I’m not going to lie, my ability to sense things is strongest when I see people or I talk to them in person so I’m relying on your written words to give me a feeling. Tell me how you’re feeling. I actually want to say to you “Hit me with it”. Does that kind of describe how you’re feeling? I’ve had/having my own issues in life and it’s hard going. It’s really hard going being able to talk with someone who doesn’t judge you. Well, let’s be real. The people who want to judge us normally have absolutely no idea what we’re going through and so they say things that are meaningless. It can annoy us, we can feel hurt, irritated, whatever but if we stop and think about where they’re coming from, the reality is they probably have no idea and so saying what they think might work and coming from an area of, dare I say it, uselessness :-)?
There is no fear.
My dad was dying fir 8 years
When I got the kids my dad got sick
I was juggling 2 houses
Fighting with abusive toxic people and fighting against dementia and cancer.
My dad hated
Me I was the devil child. But when he got sick I was the only one that would or could do it.
As much as we argued through this time I did it because I did not want him to die alone or in pain.
He had cancer he couldn’t walk he had a catheta. No matter what I wanted him to be comfortable and in as little pain as possible.
He should have died years ago but he was one of the 1 percent that lived more than 5 years with kidney cancer.
I managed him at home no nursing home. And for that I’m happy with myself.
But my dad n I clashed too much alike. I was the bastard that did everything wrong. Couldn’t get ahead in life couldn’t have kids a failure to him.
I lost my jobs because of the kids and the situation with dad. I had no kids Cos I was sick too so all odds where against me.
No matter what I know deep down he was proud of what I had done did him.
But in the end I feel I failed I was mortified even though it was going to happen eventually. I guess I was not ready after all.
The relationship with dad well he and I where together everyday and I slept at his house to make sure he was cared for as mum couldn’t do it.
My siblings did nothing to help at all. Living the dream that’s ok she’ll be right.
I visit dad everyday I sit have lunch or hit chocolate or something I cry everyday I ask him to take me with him.
I’m sick of being everyone’s sucker.
I really miss him.
At least I know what I did for him. The only killer is I feel I failed but it was the hospital that had no duty of care.
And when I say ‘talk’, I mean write. I apologise for using words that may have caused some fear within you.
Let’s talk Effie. It’s safe to.
Talk to me about your relationship with your dad. It sounds like it was really strong like I think you are.
I’m not strong
I’m really stupid.
I’m sorry I’ve expressed my self so straightforward but I just can’t hide it anymore.
I just really miss my dad it’s now 3 months everyday I ask him to take me with him. Because the pain I’m going through with this situation and these kids and the family is unbelievable
I’m on my last straw.
But no I’m not strong not anymore.
EfJanuary 22, 2021 at 7:43 pm in reply to: Loneliness & isolation – returning to the community #14079
I’m curious to see that this discussion was opened nearly two months ago and yet, no one, has spoken. Well, due to my rather dysfunctional relationship which is pretty much over but doing a very long-winded death roll, I’ve felt incredibly lonely and for a very long time.
To be on my own is okay. I’m really fine with that concept but being lonely is something else. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life on my own and, as I have three grown up children, that gives you an indication that I’ve been in this position for many years. My ex-husband was severely abusive and when it ended and I tried to re-connect with a person I thought was my soul mate, I thought everything would be perfect. Well, I’m not only a little innocent but also rather naive. Many years later and I’m still on my own and the loneliness is really difficult to accept. It would be nice to have someone to share a dinner or a breakfast with. It would be nice to cuddle up to someone in bed at night and wake up next to them. I’ve had moments of this but nothing particularly real and frequently I wonder if the universe really wants me to have this. Everyone I know appears to be content and have someone or some people close to them. I have no one and yes, I wonder about the value of life and why I bother.
I need to read your messages a few more times so bear with me. It may not be tonight and it may not be tomorrow. They’ve been difficult for me to read because they’re so full of pain. I hear it with every word you write. You’ve been through a lot and I understand that loneliness that you feel. Well, I know that loneliness that you feel and it’s real and it’s really hard to describe to anyone unless they’ve been there. Knowing what I’m like, I’d encourage you to find someone you can talk to but hey, that’s not necessarily easy. Finding the right person might be a journey in itself but when you do, then I believe you’ll be able to express how you’re feeling in a way that will lessen some of your feelings and help you until the next session with the person you talk with. You’re strong, by the way. To open up, even in a community where visually you are unseen, is a willingness to expose yourself. I congratulate you on this because it’s people like you who help others in similar situations to start opening up.
Hello, I thought I would add one of my favourite poems.
The Window by Rumi
Your body is away from me
but there is a window open
from my heart to yours.
From this window, like the moon
I keep sending news secretly.
For me this poem is about continuing to feel connected to my mum who passed away in 2014 at just 48 years of age. Even though she is gone, she knows how Im going and all that goes on in my life because of the window thats open between our hearts. She is well and safe now. I know this in my heart.January 20, 2021 at 7:33 am in reply to: I lost my husband / I feel like there is no positive future/ nothing feels okay #14068
@heather I have tears in my eyes and my heart is aching for you. You are in so much pain and hurt. I am sorry for what you have experienced. Your children have a strong mother who is navigating her feelings of grief, loneliness, and in so much distress. Your loss is immense as I read your experience. I want to say to you that youre allowed to grieve. Sometimes when Im fighting my feelings and judging myself, I remind myself why im feeling that way and that ofcourse the situation would make me feel that certain way. You have a new normal that you are navigating now and the journey is hard. We are here to listen and offer support in ways that we can. Be kind to yourself @heather, youre allowed to feel your feelings.HeatherParticipant
My name is Heather and my husband died in November 2020. Easily the worst year of my life. I have 2 children to look after and I can’t hardly breathe I feel so overcome with sadness, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, alienation, and distress.
I can’t hardly get out of bed let alone make a decision on what to do with all of his belongings. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat.
I have a million things running through my head constantly like “ how can we survive financially and in every way”, “how am I going to clear out all of his belongings”
( he was a painter so we gave a Ute in the drive way, tressels. Tins of paint and everything else a painter who owned a business had.” How can I be okay with being alone forever with 2 children”, “ why would I want to live a life alone forever”. “ how can I go back to work on the 2nd February when my spirit is broken and I’m finding everything difficult to do”. “ how can I change my children’s schools due to affordability when so much else in their lives has changed and is upside down”.Getting out of bed is like climbing a mountain.
We have no family support and I have discovered there is no support unless you have money or a concession card. Mental health care plans only give you a $87 rebate on a $215 psychology session. No one will bulk bill.
My husband had cancer and he had a donor stem cell transplant and 6 days later he died of acute renal failure because the anti rejection drugs they gave him destroyed his kidneys. The hospital gave no support while he was alive and after he died with me beside he I was told to pack up his room and sign a piece of paper saying I had taken his wedding ring. It was cold and distressing. The day he dyed they just closed the door to his room and met him die and now I feel like I should of done more to keep him alive. The day he died I was told I still had 2-3 days with him but then he died that day and after telling me 10 times that day that he was not going anywhere and he was going to survive. He deteriorated throughout the day but they forgot to tell me this and at 6.30 pm the doctor told me things have changed and he only has about 4 hours Left but he died 30 mins later at 7pm.
We never spoke of what happens if he died because he wouldn’t speak of it and his specialist didn’t ever speak of it despite how sick he was. Everyone thought he would make it but he didn’t and now nothing in my life is normal or makes sense or feels like we are going to be okay.
Dealing with my own grief while dealing with the grief of 2 children feeks impossible.
I don’t know how to live life anymore, I don’t even know who I am anymore now I’m not his carer.
Everything feels hard and impossible. Nothing feels like it will be okay again😓
hey @Joncou im so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and the complex feelings you are experiencing since then. i want to say to you – remember that you are allowed and can feel happy and grieve at the same time for different things, if thats how you are feeling. you are the expert in identifying your feelings but i hope you can be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feelings including grief. sometimes it does feel like everyone is busy and we are alone. i certainly feel that way sometimes. you are strong to reach out for support and your awareness of yourself is the key to your personal healing. we are hear for you.
Hi @Joncou, welcome to the Griefline forums and thank you for having the courage and strength to share your story. It sounds like you’re going through a really distressing and overwhelming time and we’re glad that you’ve reached out for support and understanding.
There is a chance you are experiencing a mix of pnd and grief at the moment. Have you had a chance to see your GP to discuss this? They are in the best position to diagnose anything more complicated than a normal grief reaction.
That being said, with less than 6 months gone since you lost your Dad you may still be in the midst of your grief particularly because you haven’t had the time or space to fully process his loss with the demands of your newborn and two other children. Sometimes when we don’t have the opportunity to feel, recognise and sit with our emotions we get ‘stuck’ in them rather than moving through them. You might find that writing down what’s happening for you in a journal helps to make sense of what you’re going through, what triggers you to miss him, feel sad and cry. Over time you will hopefully use this insight to prepare yourself for your downtimes during the day/week, with the knowledge that you will emerge from them at some point.
@Joncou, it sounds like you are under an enormous amount of pressure to look after 3 children all day despite not being at your usual capacity due to your grief. However, it might help to remind yourself that the ‘good enough parent’ is the best parent…that is the parent who gives their children the help they need and want but not more than this. As long as your children are safe and you can be sensitive and responsive to their physical and emotional needs you are doing really well under the circumstances. Perhaps you don’t need to strive for perfection with the older children…but instead take some pressure off and give yourself some space to heal…you might find the mindfulness recording on the Griefline website is a soothing way to zone out for a little while when things become overwhelming.
Also having an understanding of grief can really help so please take a look at our resource hub to gain some clarity around what’s happening for you.
In the meantime, you are very welcome here. This is a space where you can connect and download and hopefully feel a little less isolated and misunderstood. Please take care and keep in touch.
I really feel for you and feel I can relate very much to the feelings you describe. It is a most terribly difficult time, one you have had no control over and unbelievably sad. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I understand feeling there is no future, so I have been told, take it day by day, or in my case, it is hour by hour or minute by minute – try not to think about the future – that is too hard at the moment.
I am meant to return to work on 27th January but have already alerted my boss to the fact I wont be ready and will need to take leave for at least another 6 weeks or so. Maybe taking leave is something you might be able to do? It might keep that connection open, and be something that eventually you can work towards.
I am having therapy but through telehealth it is (often?) bulk-billed on a mental health plan given by your GP. So I am not paying anything extra, and without therapy I certainly could not get through this, in fact I am looking into other things like a support group. This might be something you might consider too. Also, if you have not done so already, I suggest contacting Centrelink because you may well be already eligible for some family payments given you are a single parent. It is certainly hard having financial worries on top of everything else. Do you have a close friend or family member who can help you look into supports because it is a lot to do, and like me, your brain is probably feeling very fried.
Thank you for replying to me. I think it really helps to connect with other people who are in a very difficult place.HeatherParticipant
My name is Heather and I’m really sorry you lost your beautiful son. My heart aches for you. In November 2020 my husband died of cancer leaving me alone with 2 grieving children. Together we have a daughter that has just turned 13 and a son who has recently turned 11.
Although he had cancer we didn’t think he would die in fact we never spoke of it because he refused to and his specialists didn’t even mention it as a high possibility. He had a donor stem cell transplant and died 6 days later from acute renal failure from the anti rejection drugs that destroyed his kidneys. The hospital just gave up on him and my very young daughter and I were there when he passed. The hospital was terrible and offered no support at the time or after except Asked me to pack up his room after he died and made sure I signed a piece of paper saying I had taken his wedding ring.
I know the feeling of wanting time back.
Everything in my life feels heavy, unbearable, permanent, frightening, overwhelming, terrible and like it’s forever. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely leave the house unless I really have to for the kids and I can’t see a future.
I’m suppose to return to my part time employment on the 2/2 and I just can’t see that it’s going to be possible so I think I might resign which will make my current frightening financial situation worse but at least a would get a health care card which seems to be the key to being entitled to support. My daughter is linked with canteen which is great but there is nothing in my sons age group and I have looked extensively for all of us. I’ve looked into psychology too but on a mental health care plan you pay $215 for 50-60 mins and get only $87 back. I have no family support.
I’m sorry for your loss Mary. I’m glad you have a good support network around you to help get you through. Thinking of you 🦋
Hi @Mary, our hearts go out to you – the loss of a child can feel almost unbearable and this is made exceptionally distressing when they take their own life. At Griefline we talk to more and more carers/parents who are completely blindsided as their teen kept a brave face and their struggles hidden.
It sounds like you had a very special and nurturing relationship with him…helping him to grow and develop despite his hard start to life. What a profound love you gave to him – as he became your whole life. We feel sure he would have felt loved, honoured and cherished by you – which no doubt gave him joyful times throughout your 8 years together and some peace amongst the anguish when he made the decision to end his life.
It is so good to hear that you have a supportive family and also a therapist to help you through your acute pain. Lean on them as much as you can because, in essence, you need ‘intensive care’ right now – let others take care of you when it’s too overwhelming, share your burden with those around you, and remember how important self-care is too. As a suicide survivor, you may need a cradle of extra supports to get you through – already you have taken the brave and resilient step of joining our online community. So thank you for allowing us to walk alongside you and also for giving compassion and guidance to another community member in need. But have you thought about joining a suicide support group as well? There are many unique features of the suicide loss experience which others who are bereaved by suicide will know and understand.
In the meantime let yourself dream and talk to him – its normal to want him back and also to want to continue your bond with him. Remember, that your bond will always remain – nothing can ever take that away. Over time it will become easier to think of him and talk to him in your own way. You are always welcome to talk of him here too.
So welcome again @ Mary. Take care and keep posting.JoncouParticipant
Lost my dad on the 1st sept and gave birth to my son on the 10th sept (same day as the funeral). Not really feeling like I’m coping okay. Not sure if it’s normal grief or pnd or both? Love my son but this is our third child (one each from previous relationships), I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted. My partner just tells me to get out of the house and make friends. I am just so sad all of the time, I cry every day multiple times. I am struggling with the three children and don’t feel like I have any support, my mum is dealing with her own feelings, my sister lives in Melbourne and my partner runs his own business. Everyone is busy and getting on with their own lives and I’m just stuck missing my dad.
Some of the best advice I have been given is that only you know how you need to grieve. So grieve in the way you feel is best. It is the hardest time, the most excruciating time, so you need to do what feels right. People who judge you usually have no idea how much pain you are in, so you need to put yourself before their judgements and comments. Your grief is a measure of your love, and it sounds as though you were so loving and committed to making your father’s life the best it could be. What a beautiful person you are. I hope you are able to take care of yourself while you go through this difficult journey. It is early days yet.
At the end of November 2020 I lost my son. He took his own life at age 14. He was with me for 8 years but I loved him unconditionally, as though he was my biological son. I didn’t see it coming at all and I wasn’t able to get there in time to save him. He was fragile, he had had a very hard start to life, but we had come such a long way. Adolescence is a minefield though. I just cant believe it. I never thought he would do that, not for a minute. I feel so completely lost. He was my whole life for 8 years.
Yes I am seeing a therapist and my family are supportive but it is as if I am under water. My grief and guilt and incomprehension so acute. I cannot begin to imagine a life without him and find myself begging him not to do it and come back.MusicfreakParticipant
My mum died on 26.2.2007 from lung cancer and I still miss her like it was yesterday. I had a rubbish xmas last year, spending it alone and with the anniversary coming up, there’s lots of memories and flashbacks.
In July 2020, my cat was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and the thought that I’ll lose him has been at the front of my mind since.
I have depression and anxiety and see a psychologist and uni counsellor (I’m halfway through my social work degree and my 1st field placement starts this semester, so I’m riddled with anxiety over that!) I started doing mindfulness meditation last week and I don’t know what else I can do…
It’s been 11 weeks since we buried my dad. I still go to the cemetery daily and I still cry everyday. I’ve been judged for going everyday by my husband and it bothers me.
I miss dad.
I want to see him.
I’m still at a loss
Well another crap week has passed and one of the children is just always being rude, abusing his brother n sister. And he told me he wants to leave. So I arrange it. My husband blames me and says find someone else to fight with.
Totally disgusting he has treated me the same way his family has for the last eight years. I think it’s time to make some choices.
I’m alone and very unhappy. I’ve been unhappy for years.
And it’s amazing how this all comes to surface when my dad passes away.
My husband says. When u stop going to the cemetery have U got a plan.
So he has an issue with me going to see dad everyday. Why should he care right. He has not supported me for 30 years what’s gonna change now. Or does he feel sorry for me.
It’s good how it’s all one sided.
I’m fed up with being used and treated like crap from everyone.
I really enjoyed reading Margot’s story. I agree that it is so important to “wash the day” off you when you get home. I have read some studies that discuss the benefits of COLD showers as a way of engaging your body’s own relaxation mechanisms. I try to have 30 seconds under a cold shower 3 times a week. I am trying to extend that time, but I hate the cold so it is proving to be a challenge. The good thing is that I am starting to notice a difference in my energy levels and my moods.j21405Participant
Thank you both for your insight. It’s really helpful to bounce these feelings/thoughts off other people and understand better why I have them. Also, it’s reassuring to know there are other people in the same boat. @Danij, thanks for sharing this and that you’ve experienced this loss too and at such a young age. You’re absolutely right that you should make the most of the time you have left together. I guess in some respects it’s almost fortunate that your loved ones might pass from cancer as opposed to something without warning. It gives you the chance to appreciate the time you have left and really make the most of it.
Hi @tanae, our hearts go out to you for the tragic loss of your little Honey. It sounds like she was a constant and faithful companion and the two of you shared a very precious bond. You mention that no one understands the devastation you are feeling. It’s understandable you feel this way – when we lose a beloved pet we feel like people couldn’t possibly know the depths of our feelings for our baby. But it really does help to seek comfort and support from others just as you have done here on the forums. Talking about your loved one can be particularly soothing at this early stage so if you feel up to sharing some of your favourite stories about little Honey we would love to hear about her.
It must be have been really tough to hear she was cremated yesterday – that really does bring a finality to things doesn’t it?. Many people find that creating a ritual or honouring space helps with their grief like @BrionyJames did for Diesel, or planting a tree at her favourite park, making a memory box or photo-book… something that you can go to any time when you’re feeling overwhelmed with sadness.
In the meantime, we are here for you so please let us know how you’re going.
Here is a link to some information on the Griefline website pet bereavement which might also be of some help.