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  • in reply to: My dad died unexpectedly at only 58 years old #16306
    Kat
    Participant

    Hello?

    in reply to: Loss of a Loved One #16305
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @mrgrief85, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you on the 10th anniversary of your wife’s passing. Here on the forums, we have spoken about the pain of anniversaries many times – and we know that no matter how many years have passed, the pain can be just as overwhelming as the first year. So, we’re glad that you reached out to us to speak your story and share your feelings.

    You mention feeling ‘lost and alone’ – a common experience for those who have lost a spouse …it’s actually the most prominent cause of ‘emotional loneliness’… And caring for an ill spouse in the lead up to their passing often increases the risk of loneliness even further. Perhaps this was your experience too?

    Understanding the risk factors can help to validate your grief and loneliness experience… and it might also be comforting to know that there are ways to alleviate the loneliness. One of these is connecting with understanding and compassionate people. Griefline has introduced the Care to Call program which connects anyone feeling lonely and isolated to a friendly volunteer who will give you a call once a week to chat about whatever is on your mind. If this sounds of interest you can register for the program here on our website; https://griefline.org.au/care-to-call
    Our team will give you a call to chat about the program in more detail – so you can take it up now or whenever you feel ready.

    Daniel, we’re sorry to hear that your grief is having such a significant impact on your life – only allowing you to be free of it around 10% of the time. We’re wondering what’s happening during that 10% of relative peace…and whether there might be a way to engage more in whatever you’re doing during those times? We would love for you to tell us more about this in your next post. And in the meantime, you might like to take a look at our article ‘Coping With Grief’ if you haven’t already. There may be some tips in there that you haven’t tried out yet.

    We hope you’ll post again Daniel. We’re here for you always. 🌸

    in reply to: Loss of a Loved One #16304
    MrGRIeF85
    Participant

    Hi, my name is Daniel and I lost my partner of 10 years to cancer this past Wed (15/09/21).
    It’s been a horrible ordeal, as I feel lost and alone 90% of the time.

    in reply to: I’m the age my mum was when she died #16303
    K4593
    Participant

    Hi Fergie,

    I am so glad you reached out to share your story. My grief snuck up on me when I was approaching the age that my dad died, almost 30 years on. I became incredibly anxious and at the time I did not realise what was happening to me. What helped me was speaking with someone outside of my family and support network to share my experience. Another thing that helped was writing an open letter to my dad. In the letter I thanked him for all the memories, for being there when I needed him, for teaching me how to be who I am and I added to letter when I felt like I needed to process my emotions or an experience. Please know we are here for you if you need to talk.

    Take care

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16302
    Susanmarkw@hotmail
    Participant

    Hi everyone
    My Dad drowned on a family holiday when I was 18 my mum brother and i were there ,I am 55 now
    We coped as best we could but to be honest myself, my brother and Mum have never really celebrated Dad since then.
    Mum fell apart and then remarried 3 years later and moved on
    I felt like my family and trust in the safety of the world was destroyed
    I have had a good life though, I am a compassionate doctor, I have a husband and 2 kids i have good friends
    I have had counselling around my fear of something bad happening to my kids and managing my anxiety and I meditate
    My 20 year old son has depression and was suicidal and through family counselling for him I understood the impact of my grief on my parenting and the impact of my very strong intergenerational history of traumatuc grief , which is filled with suicide and accidents, where there is a lot of shame and stigma and a story line of being strong

    I am so tired, tired of feeling shame because my grief for Dad is still there , tired of fear , of not trusting myself or the world and my hypervigilance for threat
    All this stops me fully connecting with my husband and kids, from enjoying my work as i always need to be in control , hold some part of my back , be on the look out for something bad about to happen
    I feel like i cant talk about this with my Mum or brother aa it would be too hard for them
    Thanks for listening

    in reply to: Used #16300
    jamifids
    Participant

    Hi
    I have been caring for my nephews n niece for 8 years
    It’s a carer situation. My husbands family has done nothing but abuse me for 7 and a half years. My husband does not support me or stick up for me he just makes excuses. I am sick and he is more worried about everyone else than what’s in front of his face. And has done this for years. He tells me I’m living in the past to let it go. But when ur traumatised by toxic people being his family, abusing me and blaming me for their drug addiction and mistakes it’s not past it’s trauma and present.
    I’m so alone I feel I lead a single life. I feel I’m being used Cos it’s easy cos I’m an idiot. He keeps calling them his kids.
    They are not his kids.
    I get abused for years and now he thinks it’s ok to have a relationship with his family, like it’s ok. Well it’s not I don’t see this working out. I’m sick of being used, I’m sick of being abused and not supported by the one person that should. I can only put it to one thing. He just does not give a damn. Blood is thicker than water.
    But my life is gone now. My life is not my own it’s been dictated by morons.
    I’m sick of this.
    And now loosing my dad recently I just want to be with him. This is crap. This is not the life I signed up for.
    I’m actually hating everyone in my life
    Enough is enough.
    Christmas was shit and I’m sick of being judged.
    Lost my marbles, right.

    You need support and time to deal with the situation. You don’t need to make any quick decisions. Think about what the future holds for you.

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by jamifids.
    in reply to: I’m the age my mum was when she died #16299
    Fergie
    Participant

    25 years ago. 🤦‍♀️

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16298
    Fergie
    Participant

    I’m working through grief that has intensified this year, after losing mum 2t years ago. I think it’s a combination of the milestone anniversary of losing her, as well as the fact that I am now the age she was when she died. So that means I am now living longer than she managed to. The guilt of that has weighed heavily on me, and I am starting to improve from the depression I had slowly but slowly sunken in to. I suppose the point of this post is to say – grief can sneak up on you at various moments over your lifetime. I’m learning to deal with these emotions, and would welcome others’ suggestions on what has helped them. Thanking you.

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16296
    Kat
    Participant

    On June 10th my dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack – I found out from a phone call. Suddenly he wasn’t here anymore. He is gone. My brain has been struggling to process this and for the most part it hasn’t felt real. Then I feel sadness. I have 2 sons (his only grandchildren) one is 3 years old and the other is only 6 months (he was just 3 months old when dad died). He won’t see his grandchildren grow and he won’t be there for my wedding. All my grandparents are still alive but my dad is dead! I usually talk to friends when I’m feeling down but it feel pointless now. The only one who understands is my grandmother (my dad’s mum) I think she is struggling even more than me – she keeps saying ‘no mother should ever have to bury her child’. When I talk to her I don’t feel alone. I don’t even know what advice I am looking for, I don’t know what I need. It’s so out of my control and I know that only time can help but I’m sad. I want my dad back. I feel robbed, I think and think and think. I didn’t get to say goodbye. It seems so strange that there was a living person and suddenly just a body on the floor.

    Mal
    Participant

    Dear @Deb-Camilleri, my heart and thoughts go out to you. I know that doesn’t really help but at least you know people do care about how you’re feeling.
    Losing a loved one hurts so much. My son Jayson 29 passed away on 24th July 2021 5 days before his 30th birthday. He wasn’t ill. He died in his sleep I found him the next morning. And they can’t give me any answers to why. He had a full life surrounded by what he called his Good People. He lived more in 29 years than any of us did and for that I am grateful. So today I am just going to try and accept it. This is what’s happened and I can not do a thing to change it, and neither can you. I think our first step is to accept our loss. Tough gig but has to be done if we are to continue some sort of normal life. I have to think about my other 2 children and my 3 grandsons, I must be here for them, they are grieving too.
    It’s day by day Deb just get up every day, show up and do whatever you can at your own pace. Take care of yourself.

    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Deb-Camilleri, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you during this terribly difficult time ❤️ It sounds like you had an amazing relationship with your beloved Peter who adored you. And from the way you describe him, he seems like a truly charismatic man – both in your eyes and others around you. You must have some wonderful memories of times shared together.

    While everyone’s grief is unique, it’s fairly common to seemingly cope ok early on. We’re often in a state of disbelief at first. We may be numb or moving in and out of reality. And this is usually a period when we focus on the clinical events as it can be a way of avoiding our emotions. But as the weeks go on the grief starts to seep in and this is when it can feel almost unbearable. Like what you’re feeling now. Though it’s hard to hear, we have to confront this pain at some point. It forces us to access our best coping strategies to adapt to the loss. Right now you might be feeling like you cant cope but over time your coping skills will develop and strengthen. We are here to help you with this (the Griefine Helpline is another great resource when things are overwhelming 1300 845 745).

    You mention that he is in your thoughts constantly and we wonder if you might try shifting your approach to these thoughts at times… try sending him the love that’s in your heart and speak it out loud. “I’m sending you love, I’m wrapping you up in my love” or whatever feels right to you. Say it over and over. It can soften the heartache and anxiety a little.

    Nightime crying seems to be almost universal among the bereaved.. it might be soothing to know that researchers have described crying as a kind of comfort we give to ourselves…we ‘close down on ourselves in a self-embrace with muffled cries to hold back the distress’. So, while it might seem out of control or even frightening to cry every night…rest assured it’s safe and ok… practice self-compassion and kindness and let yourself cry if you need to.

    At this early stage, it can be helpful to educate ourselves about the grief response and uncover ways to cope with it. Our ‘Coping with Grief’ article on the Griefline Resource Hub explores grief symptoms and also gives some ideas for coping – from the early stages to later on. Things like reaching out to others to seek comfort; taking care of your mental, emotional and physical health; and ways to feel safe and in control. We hope you will find something helpful there.

    @Deb-Camilleri
    , we hope that you’ll keep posting as you navigate these distressing days. Every day is different on this grief journey and though it feels like things are getting worse right now, over time you will find there are moments of light breaking through to bring some relief…and hope.
    So many of us here can empathise with what you are going through. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16276
    Deb Camilleri
    Participant

    February 23rd Pete (aged 63), had his first chest X-ray and admitted straight into hospital, with complication after complication, no chance of survival, he died on the 6th May.
    For those 10 weeks I was on auto pilot just doing what I had to do for my husband. Initially it was a blessing, he was ready to go and we all had accepted he was going to pass.
    Daily, nightly my mind goes over the events just trying to process the traumatic time myself and family had to endure. I thought with a little bit of time my heartache would get better but it’s just not, it’s getting worse, I cry uncontrollable night after night, he is in my thoughts 24 hours a day, I miss him so much and I just want him to come home. Peter to me was the love of my life and I his, he treated me like his little Princess. I miss his love, I miss his attention, I miss his beautiful face and larger than life personality. I’m just so lonely.

    in reply to: I lost my dog of 14 years #16240
    Sarah88
    Participant

    Hi @Boeee302,

    Im so sorry for ur loss hun.
    I lost my beautiful girl, Rosie, in April, 5 days after my bday. She had just turned 14 in Feb. From the day I got her as an 8wk old pup, ive had that lingering thought in the back on my head that I will hav to say goodbye to her one day.
    All I wanted was for her to be happy and safe at home with her family wen she passed. But her heart stopped before i could even get back to the vet. I’ll never forget the moment she was wheeled into the room on a trolley. I think its the guilt that hurts the most. Because really, she did pass away in a ‘nice’ way, she wasnt in pain, she had lived a very happy spoilt life and she was loved by so many people. But i wasnt there. I didnt get to giv her a big cuddle before the vet gave her pain killers, which knocked her out.
    I spend a lot of time thinking about her every day. The only feel the guilt when i allow myself to now, though.
    I find wat helped me the most, was to constantly remind myself that Rosie was worth it. She was worth having to feel the excruciating pain of saying goodbye for now. She was worth it and more. When u realise that and believe it, it doesnt take away any pain, sadness, anxiety, BUT it does make u happy (in a way) that u are hurting. And its only a good thing that ur hurting so much at the loss of ur fur baby, cos it means u loved him so so much and u care so much about him. He obviously meant the world to u hun, so he was obviously loved.
    What also helped me, Rosie is buried in my backyard in her favourite spot and shes facing the table everyone sits at, so she doesnt miss out on anything. I bought a rose bush to put there and ive put out heaps of different pretty solar lights (i dont like the thought of her in the dark). It gives me a really pretty place to go ‘visit’ her when i feel like i need her.
    And photos!! It took me a while to be able to look at her pics, but wen i did omg lol, i laughed and cried so hard lol. But it feels amazing to be able to laugh.

    Its only bye for now hun, ur fur baby will be waiting for u on the other side. U’ll probably notice he gets impatient sometimes, cos u’ll eventually see something 😉 my partner and i saw her last week walk around my side of the bed. My dad saw her walk into the house a few weeks ago. And my mum hears her out at the table all the time 💞

    Jus remember, having him in ur life with all the happiness and joy he gav u, it was all worth it 💞

    Sending u strength, love and kindness xo

    in reply to: I lost my dog of 14 years #16226
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Boeee302, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you ❤️. Losing a beloved companion after so many years must be incredibly difficult.

    It sounds like you are in acute grief right now, so the emotions might feel excruciating and the thoughts and images extremely hard to take. Though it might sound absurd – what you’re going through is your unique and natural grief response. It’s how your mind and body are adapting and coping with this loss. It may feel scary right now but hold on – things will shift and become more and more bearable.

    The best way to keep going is to reach out to other people for support so that you don’t feel alone in this experience. That’s why we’re so pleased you’ve posted on the forums. There will be others here who identify with your pain. It’s also very helpful to reach out to others close to you. Some will be good to talk with, while others can help you with practical things to help get you through this critical time.

    With regards to the traumatic memories and imagery in your mind, David Kessler – a recognised grief expert, suggests shifting your mind from overwhelming thoughts to sending love to your loved one. When you feel helpless you need to do something active. So continue to actively love him – close your eyes, think of him in a happy place and in your mind say to him “I’m sending you love. I’m surrounding you with love.” Repeat it until you feel a bit calmer.

    Griefline has more coping tools on our resource hub including this audio recording to help you reflect on positive experiences.


    @Boeee302
    , we hope this helps in some way. Please post again and tell us what’s happening for you. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Loss of a pet #16221
    Boeee302
    Participant

    Last Tuesday (31/08/2021) I had to put down my dog of 14 years due to cancer. I miss him so much and I just don’t even know how to cope anymore… as much as it was beautiful to be there for him when he went, I will forever be traumatised by seeing his eyes go from full of life to empty as his body collapsed… how the hell do I keep going? Because I don’t know anymore.

    in reply to: Poems about grief #16219
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Hi @Michael, welcome to the forums. And thank you so much for posting this poem – it is so poignant and beautifully written.

    It’s great to see our Community Members adding to our Helping Hand topic.

    Perhaps some of our community members have resources to help those who are struggling with upcoming father’s day?

    🌸

    in reply to: My grandson died #16217
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Michelle73, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you as you try to cope with such a devastating and recent loss. ❤️ We see your heartache, and we acknowledge the despair you must be feeling after the traumatic loss of your little grandson.

    It sounds like you are feeling very isolated in your pain as you try to shield your daughter from your grief and avoid it being diminished by your husband (who no doubt wants to protect you from the anguish). The issue is that your grief is valid and MUST be witnessed. What you need most right now is the support of other people.

    That’s why we’re so glad you have reached out to us here on the forums. And we’re wondering if there are others that can support you too. The Circle of Support activity here on our resource hub helps to identify who, why and how our support people are important to us, often bringing to mind support resources we hadn’t even considered. We hope it helps you to get the support you deserve.

    Whilst you feel like you’re not coping we see so much strength in you…you have taken a step back to protect others and in doing so show immense compassion and courage. Keep engaging in your strengths and over time you may start to feel a little more empowered and find a little more hope for the days ahead.

    Please keep in touch @Michelle73. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Loss of a Loved One #16215
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Ambert143, a warm welcome to the forums. We’re so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. Losing someone you love at such a young age and so unexpectedly can feel incomprehensible as well as devastating.

    In this confusing time, it can be helpful to understand better what we’re going through. Our “Experiences of Grief” article on our resource hub says “when we have unexpectedly experienced grief or loss, our feelings or thoughts are linked to the unforeseen nature of the loss. It may feel like you are on a roller coaster ride. Shock, feeling numb, overwhelm and not knowing what to do are common and normal responses to a loss that was not anticipated. You may also find yourself very distressed, crying uncontrollably, unable to sleep, sleeping poorly or sleeping more than you would normally. Again, these responses are a very human and normal response to an unexpected grief and loss experience.”

    Does that sound familiar to you?

    The article goes on to talk about the importance of social support during this very difficult time. Talking to someone you trust can help ease the intensity of your emotions. Remember to treat yourself with kindness and compassion too. Ask people to help with practical things and tap into all the resources that are available to you like the Griefline Helpline (ring 1300 845 745).


    @Ambert143
    , all relationships go through rocky times, despite this, he was your ‘soulmate’ and as the saying goes ‘Grief is a measure of our love’. So while it’s not going to be easy, hold on to hope and the support of others. You will get through this 💖 Keep in touch with us and let us know how you’re going – you are not alone in this grief journey. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16214
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    “How do I cope with Father’s Day?” It’s an intense topic for many Griefline help-seekers this week. As the calendar creeps closer to the first Sunday in September, fear and dread continue to rise. Not just of the day itself but the days leading up to it.

    One way of coping with Father’s Day is by practising Continuing Bonds. An evidence-based approach that invites you to maintain a sense of connection with your lost loved one by developing a new style of relationship with them. So rather than ‘getting over’ your Dad, you can focus on strengthening the bond you will always have with each other.

    You can do this in many different ways, depending on what is meaningful for you. We created a ‘Father’s Day Gift List For A Dad That is Gone but not Forgotten’…it’s a selection of gifts that you might have given to your Dad if he were here. It’s poignant to note that you could still buy any one of these gifts in his name – to continue your bond.

    Hanky embroidered with his initials

    – To mop up the tears I’ll cry on Father’s Day (Have a hanky embroidered with his initials tucked into your pocket. It can bring comfort on a daily basis.)

    Gardening gloves

    – To tend to the garden I planted in his honour. (Plant something in memory of him. You’ll need to carve out time to tend to it, which is time to feel close to him. Feel a sense of pride as it blooms.)

    Bottle of his favourite wine

    – To share with loved ones at his favourite picnic spot (Make a visit to his special place and reminisce over his favourite food or drink. You’ll be immersed in precious memories, sparking moments of joy).

    A cast-iron pot

    – To replicate his secret goulash recipe to perfection (Recreate his signature meal or some other accomplishment to validate his unique strengths and ensure they are passed on to future generations)

    Writing pen

    – To express how much I miss him in a letter, and follow it up with a cheeky reply (Write a ‘hello again’ letter to help you stay in contact and communication with your Dad. Writing his reply as you think he would have keeps you in sync with his cherished personality)

    Charitable donation

    – To create a legacy in his name so that he’ll always be remembered (Donate to his charity of choice or start a fundraiser to prevent more losses like your Dad. Creating a legacy in his name can give meaning to his loss).

    Over to you Community Members…let us know some of the ways you’ve been able to Continue Bonds either with your Dad or another loved one. 🌸

    in reply to: My grandson died #16213
    Godfreyfive
    Participant

    Oh that is so very sad. I am so sorry. It is very recent and there is no way you can just “ get over it”. It may be how your husband is dealing with his own loss. You won’t get over it and instead you will find that you adjust to how things are now but that doesn’t mean you can ever forget your little grandson.

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16212
    Michelle73
    Participant

    My grandson died on the 4th of July 2021 aged 7 months and 9 days. He died from Leaukemia. I cry every day and don’t know how to deal. I only have my husband as support, I will not burden my daughter (my grandsons mum) her own grief is insurmountable. My husband says I should just get over it etc etc. I just feel lost and don’t how to cope

    in reply to: Loss of a Loved One #16157
    Ambert143
    Participant

    My name is Amber I recently lost my ex boyfriend via cardiac arrest I’m having a really hard time dealing with this we was broken up and the time but was trying to work things out he was my soul mate and my true love 29 and his heart gave up 😭 I’m truly broken

    in reply to: Poems about grief #16156
    Michael
    Participant

    Here’s an absolutely beautiful poem by John Roedel, about alienation, grief and tuning into what’s happening in the body as a pathway to healing (includes great therapeutic first aid advice!)

    my brain and
    heart divorced

    a decade ago

    over who was
    to blame about
    how big of a mess
    I have become

    eventually,
    they couldn’t be
    in the same room
    with each other

    now my head and heart
    share custody of me

    I stay with my brain
    during the week

    and my heart
    gets me on weekends

    they never speak to one another

    – instead, they give me
    the same note to pass
    to each other every week

    and their notes they
    send to one another always
    says the same thing:

    “This is all your fault”

    on Sundays
    my heart complains
    about how my
    head has let me down
    in the past

    and on Wednesday
    my head lists all
    of the times my
    heart has screwed
    things up for me
    in the future

    they blame each
    other for the
    state of my life

    there’s been a lot
    of yelling – and crying

    so,

    lately, I’ve been
    spending a lot of
    time with my gut

    who serves as my
    unofficial therapist

    most nights, I sneak out of the
    window in my ribcage

    and slide down my spine
    and collapse on my
    gut’s plush leather chair
    that’s always open for me

    ~ and I just sit sit sit sit
    until the sun comes up

    last evening,
    my gut asked me
    if I was having a hard
    time being caught
    between my heart
    and my head

    I nodded

    I said I didn’t know
    if I could live with
    either of them anymore

    “my heart is always sad about
    something that happened yesterday
    while my head is always worried
    about something that may happen tomorrow,”
    I lamented

    my gut squeezed my hand

    “I just can’t live with
    my mistakes of the past
    or my anxiety about the future,”
    I sighed

    my gut smiled and said:

    “in that case,
    you should
    go stay with your
    lungs for a while,”

    I was confused
    – the look on my face gave it away

    “if you are exhausted about
    your heart’s obsession with
    the fixed past and your mind’s focus
    on the uncertain future

    your lungs are the perfect place for you

    there is no yesterday in your lungs
    there is no tomorrow there either

    there is only now
    there is only inhale
    there is only exhale
    there is only this moment

    there is only breath

    and in that breath
    you can rest while your
    heart and head work
    their relationship out.”

    this morning,
    while my brain
    was busy reading
    tea leaves

    and while my
    heart was staring
    at old photographs

    I packed a little
    bag and walked
    to the door of
    my lungs

    before I could even knock
    she opened the door
    with a smile and as
    a gust of air embraced me
    she said

    “what took you so long?”

    ~ john roedel (johnroedel.com)

    in reply to: 1 assault, 3 traumatic deaths, 10 years, empty shell #16128
    K4593
    Participant

    Dear @Jemi, I am so sorry all this has happened to you and causing you such pain. I hear how broken you are, but I also hear how incredibly courageous you are and it sounds like you are doing all you can to get through this. I am glad that you have some loving supports around you, just know that we are here if you need someone outside those closest to you to talk with.

    in reply to: 1 assault, 3 traumatic deaths, 10 years, empty shell #16125
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Jemi, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you – this is an awful lot for one person to deal with. It’s heartbreaking to hear you so down on yourself despite withstanding so much loss and trauma in your life.

    We wonder if you were to read a similar post by another community member would you be so critical of them? Or would you feel compassion for all that they have been through and be impressed that they continue to soldier on and do the best they can? …Sometimes it’s a good idea to step out of the overwhelm, stand back and look at ourselves from another person’s perspective to get a clearer picture.

    And because things aren’t going well at work it’s likely your self-worth has taken a hit. Yet we see so many character strengths in you just from reading your post – resilience, determination, appreciation, work ethic… It’s easy to lose sight of our personal strengths at times like these but when we rediscover them and engage them we feel empowered to get a few wins and find hope again. The VIA character strengths survey in our ‘In Search of Lost Strengths Part 2’ article is a great evidence-based tool for realising the many things you have to offer.
    We’re glad to see that you have equipped yourself with self-care resources including seeing a therapist. And we wonder how much grief work you have done? You have experienced multiple profound losses all in quick succession sometimes leads to complex grief. And living a very busy life with lots of responsibilities might have impacted your ability to carve out time to really process that grief.

    It often takes a multi-layered approach and there may be some additional resources you could tap into …things like art therapy, writing as a way of healing or a support group. It might be a good idea to speak with your psych about what extra supports are suitable.

    In the meantime, we hope that you can treat yourself with kindness because you deserve it. The self-care tools on our rest and relaxation page here might be a good start.
    @Jemi, please keep in touch and let us know how you’re going. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Impact of bushfires #16124
    DiWut
    Participant

    Rest in peace…

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16117
    Jemi
    Participant

    It sounds made up when I write it down, but I don’t know what else to say. I’m broken. I’m an angry, empty shell, that doesn’t ever quite make it to “happy”. Even with a super loving and supportive husband, great sisters, and an awesome daughter. I must be some kind of ridiculously ungrateful piece of crap.

    2011 I was sexually and emotionally assaulted by my then boyfriend. 18 months later my daughters dad died in a motorcycle accident. 12 months after that my big sister died in a motorcycle accident. 18 months ago, my dad killed himself. All lots of singular reasons to feel crap, but combined, I’m a total wreck. I’m trying really hard, and failing at keeping a good job. But I am now under performance management because I’m crap. I can’t do anything right. It doesn’t matter how hard I work at being better, a better Mum, a better wife, a better worker, it’s just never good enough. At what point is it ok for me to give up? Cause I feel like I’m there, but I’m not allowed to.

    What else am I supposed to do? I have to work to pay the mortgage. I have to get up every day or I lose my job. All I want to do is, well, nothing. Be nothing.

    I have step sons that are scared of me. I’m apparently scary at work so am no longer allowed to manage my team. At what point do I just throw in all the towels? When is that ok? Should I just ask to be more medicated? I’ve been seeing a psych for years. I take mood stabilisers and Valium. Nothing seems enough. Maybe it’s just me.

    in reply to: Losing a best friend and a boyfriend #16116
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Bel95, welcome to the forums. We’re sorry that it’s taken some time to catch up with your post. We value you and your story and thank you for sharing it with us. Our hearts go out to you for the loneliness you’re feeling after such a sudden break-up.

    It’s been a week now since you posted and we’re wondering how things have progressed? It seems like COVID is really starting to take a toll on so many in our forums now. Isolation and a lack of social support only serve to amplify our grief whether it’s for someone who has died or the death of a relationship. Knowing that you are not alone in your experience is sometimes helpful so you might like to check out and engage with @ezza2432 ’s post here – she too is feeling lonely and isolated having moved towns and grieving over a boyfriend’s death some time ago + relationships ending since.
    We understand how debilitating loneliness can be…and the desperate need for human connection but remember when you reach out to talk to people they too might be lonely and truly grateful that you reached out to them. Our article on Relationship Loss expands on this … “Recognise that everyone is flawed and makes mistakes. Although we often think that everyone else has their life sorted out correctly, recognising that we are all in the same boat and that everyone fumbles for the right word or feels unsure about what to say at times. We all do it at some time”. You can read more here.


    @Bel95
    you’ve been through a lot, and you deserve compassion. Be kind to yourself and know that things won’t always be like this…they will get better. But to help you through perhaps try some of the meditation/journaling and breathing exercises here on our Mindfulness page.

    We hope these are helpful for now, please let us know how you’re going and keep in touch. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Losing my first ever boyfriend #16115
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @ezza2342, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your experience with us here. Our hearts go out to you for the traumatic experience you were faced with at only 15 years of age – a time when you’re still learning to regulate your emotions. It must have been so difficult. We hope you had good support from family and/or friends at the time.

    You describe your anxiety sky-rocketing this year and unfortunately, this is something we’re hearing more and more. COVID has been so tough on people your age especially in terms of socialisation. And it’s even worse for people who have unresolved grief because isolation and ‘stopping still’ has provided space for the grief to re-surface.

    You talk about missing your first boyfriend in a different way and we wonder if this is a sign of your grief progressing into a new phase. Early on we can be numb to the grief but as time goes on the finality of the loss hits us. This is when we can feel a real emptiness because the reality of them never coming back sets in. Does this sound a little like what you’re going through?

    The fact that you’ve achieved so much since the tragedy of losing your boyfriend including navigating new relationships and moving to attend university, indicates to us that you have many strengths – including resilience, drive and motivation. Sometimes when we’re going through so much turmoil we lose sight of our strengths but by tapping into them we feel empowered to find ways to move through these challenging times.

    So if you feel up to it try doing the strengths assessment in our article “In Search of Lost Strengths 1”. It might open your eyes to how strong and amazing you are! And you’ll also find a ‘circle of support’ activity within Part 2 of the article which can be helpful in recognising the people around you who are worth connecting with to ease the isolation.

    We hope this is of some help for now but please let us know how you are going @ezza2342. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Losing my dog too young #16113
    K4593
    Participant

    I am so very sorry to hear about Arlo.
    I wish I could say something to provide you with some comfort at this time. I lost my dog Rupert at a young age, he was only 3 and I was devastated. He loved me unconditionally and always seemed to know what I needed. There were times when I was too sad to even talk about it. What helped me in those moments was writing down how I felt in a journal I was keeping at the time, which allowed me to release some of my sadness. I had many funny stories about Rupert that I shared with others to honour his memory.

    Please know we are here for you if you would like to talk or share any memories about Arlo.

    Take care

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