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  • in reply to: Separation #16397
    Leigh
    Participant

    One of the hardest things is that my husband wants to remain as friends. I’m finding it very difficult to go from being his wife to his friend. We have two children, one 17yo son who still lives at home, so we still have a lot to discuss regarding him and therefore still speak regularly. I would rather have nothing to do with him so I can try to make sense of it and start to move on.

    in reply to: Separation #16396
    MAM
    Participant

    I feel as you feel Leigh. “it’s night times after everyone has gone home that I really struggle”

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16392
    EXNativo
    Participant

    I’m writing this here because… well I don’t know, really. Part of me is hopeful that it helps other people, and part of me is hoping that maybe this will help myself.

    On the 28th of October in 2017, my uncle lost a brief battle with cancer. It was abrupt; he was diagnosed and on his deathbed within six weeks. I wonder now if the accelerated nature of his dying contributed to me never fully acknowledging that I didn’t process it, but that’s a thought for a different time. The point is that he went to his doctor with an inability to keep food down and he walked away with 2 months to live.

    I never really got the chance to see him in his final days. Between our schedules and his frequent visits to the hospital, and living an hour apart by car, over the time he had left our paths never crossed. I was quite close to him when I was younger, but in my early 20’s we’d grown apart somewhat. We never really changed though, still the same dynamic even after all those years.

    I think I’m traumatised. I’m not medically trained and I have no other experience with death that I can remember, but if I were to guess I’d say that the impact this left on me was significant. Despite that, when everything happened I felt I had followed the proper procedure for grieving. I saw a psychologist with a mental health care plan that outlined bereavement. I cried at his funeral. I thought I was working past it. Obviously, I thought wrong.

    I spent the most part of 2020 and 2021 in Covid lockdown. I heard all the stories and saw the articles about how it was impacting young people’s mental health, and I assumed that I was simply fine with it. There’s no form of machismo or ‘tough guy attitude’ at work here, I’m simply a lonely person by nature, with no friends in the first place. I still had my family and I was fine with that, or so I thought. Then, after a while I started having some thoughts.

    “Why are we here? What’s the point of it all? Why are people born if they’re just going to die? What’s after that?” People have their own answers for these questions. Some people, like me, have no answers, and nowhere they turn seems to offer any. A month ago, these thoughts started plaguing me. Where were they coming from? Why was this happening to me? I’d questioned my existence before, that’s true, but I thought I’d come to terms with that when I was younger. Even as my appetite failed me and sleep eluded me, I naively believed that I was fine, and it was a phase that would pass. Maybe the dreaded lockdown was finally getting to me, you know?

    That was until last thursday, when I broke down into tears. My parents are separated, but my mother agreed to pick me up and let me spend some time at her house on the weekend when I called her out of confusion and dread. (I don’t have a driver’s licence, due to chronic anxiety that I can’t control. I know, go figure). For some reason I couldn’t understand, that wasn’t good enough for me. I didn’t want to be selfish; my parents have their own lives, and I’m supposed to be an adult now, so I should be able to handle this. Thursday night passed without much incident, my crisis of acuity notwithstanding, and then Friday morning arrived.

    Friday was terrible. I’d stopped being able to eat earlier in the week and was sustaining myself mainly from cups of tea and the occasional small meal I managed in the evenings. Friday morning I decided to try to kick this habit, and made myself two slices of toast. Just two pieces of bread, one of the easiest things in the world to eat. Surely I could get through that, I thought to myself. That was until I failed to finish the last quarter of the first slice, and I suddenly realised I wasn’t alright.

    I’m sure I scared my mother. She picked up the phone, I heard her say hello, and suddenly all I knew was tears. She made plans to pick me up later that day while all I could do was sob and apologise. Even now she worries that I’m suicidal, I’m not. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, until she mentioned that she felt the same was after her mother died.

    I’ve been on and off the phone with Beyond Blue and Lifeline all week. Whenever I’m not on the phone crying my eyes out to a stranger, I feel numb. Thoughts swirl in my mind, wondering about when I’ll die, what I’ll see. Are souls real? Is one of the many religions out there correct? I don’t know. I don’t think I believe. I’m sorry. I’m scared.

    And then, on a whim as I searched a list of helplines, I came across the number to Griefline.

    It’s not the hardest I’ve cried, but it’s the most relieved I’ve felt after all this time. It was the first time I’ve felt like someone actually understood what I was going through. How scared I am, the thoughts that I can’t get out of my head, they understood it all. I’m still scared, even as I type this. The future terrifies me, especially because I know I can’t change it, but I want to move past this. I need to.

    When my uncle died, I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. The last time I ever saw him, he was already dead in his hospital bed. The image of him slumped over, surrounded by our family and being held up by the multitude of wires that had just before been his only chance at living… I remember it clearly. I remember the time, it was 7:38 AM. I remember the hug I gave my grandmother. “Ruddy disease,” she’d sobbed into my ear with her thick british accent. I remember hugging my father, wondering how I was supposed to act after he’d been too late to say goodbye to his eldest brother. I remember it all. It haunts me. My path with my mental health before was dark, but in that moment all the lights felt like they had been extinguished.

    My mistake was that I thought I had found a way over time to ignite them once more. Never once did I consider that I’d simply gotten used to the dark. I couldn’t see anything around me, but I tricked myself into believing that I had, feeling out my life by touch alone and ignoring everything else. I didn’t see a problem with withdrawing from the world. I didn’t see a problem with putting my life on hold indefinitely. I didn’t see a problem with not bothering anybody about my issues. Maybe I didn’t feel like I was worth it, it wouldn’t have been the first time.

    Griefline was my beginning. Calling them this afternoon is the start of my journey to come to terms with life and death. I’m posting this, because looking back on the last four years, I don’t want to consider it wasted time. Covid can take some of the blame, but I have experienced many things over these last few years that are worthwhile. This life is all I can be certain that I have, and I need to find the strength within myself to grasp it. For some people that probably sounds extremely simple, but for me and many others I feel like it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I need to do this, for myself and for the family I have left that is worrying about me.

    I’ve spent the last four years suffering without even noticing. I’m scared of death. I’m terrified of dying. I don’t want to do this, because every time I blink I think about leaving all my loved ones behind. But I refuse, I wholeheartedly refuse, to yield to myself this time. I’ve given myself concessions since childhood, since I was diagnosed with depression in primary school. Enough is enough.

    I never realised that I hadn’t properly grieved. It’s been years for me. For others out there they might have gone even longer. If you’re reading this and you’re in the same mindset as I am as I write this, then I want you to know that I understand. I know where you’re coming from. I’ve spoken to others and felt like they didn’t understand me, but I finally found a starting place. Let this be your’s, too. Even if this is years in the future and I’ve met my end, let my words in my present guide you.

    Get some help. Eat something small. drink some water. Take care of yourself. Let yourself feel some self-love.

    I might reply to this thread in the future, with any updates that come my way. I’m on a waiting list with a local psychiatry office. I have appointments with my gp booked. I have some semblance of a plan going forward.

    I’m scared. You might be scared too.

    But right now we need to be brave.

    in reply to: Loss of a Loved One #16391
    SBS
    Participant

    So lost. I lost my adopted brother this week. while he’d been struggling with cancer for a while I’m still shocked. I live interstate (Melbourne) to him and my other brothers and haven’t seen them for two years cause of COVID so finding it hard to process that he’s just gone. I’m shattered and surprised that i am shattered as well cause we’ve hardly connected over the last 20 years. We lived parallel lives coming and going at life events. But i knew when he was dieing the other night, I woke up burst into tears and told him it’s ok to go know. I got the call in the morning from my other brother to let us know. My other brothers we’re able to care for him cause they live closer. I’m terrible at grief, it just really floors me. Ahhhhh yup that’s my story. I’ve been doing practical things like calling venues interstate for the wake and ringing all the COVID services to see what we can do. I still feel useless and so far away though. Thanks for listening.

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16390
    amanda83
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Im glad I have found a forum to express how I feel and find ways to try to deal with this better.

    My dad is in stage 4 cancer that is metastatic through his body, he is at the 5th round of chemo out of 10 but test show that it is not working. The dr told me 6 months ago that if the chemo didnt work he may have 6-12 months left before he passes. He is having a lot more pain now and Im feeling very anxious and upset all the time thinking about what is yet to come. Im working fulltime and have a great partner and children but is effecting my motivation to get on with life and I feel like im just waiting for my dad to die.

    in reply to: Separation #16388
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Leigh, our hearts are with you at this very distressing time. We are so glad you have reached out to us here on the forums to share your experience. There are many others in the community who will have an understanding of what you’re going through right now.

    You mention you don’t know how to live your life without your husband and this is something many people experience as a result of sudden separation. Our article on Relationship Loss on the Resource Hub puts it this way “many people feel like they are thrown into unchartered waters. They are forced to navigate many disruptions to the rhythms of their previous life.” You might like to read the rest of the article here.

    It sounds like you have lots of good people around you who care and are keen to help. A strong support network such as this is so valuable and is also a testament to your character. When we go through a relationship breakdown we sometimes lose sight of our unique inner strengths. Yet the loyalty of your friends and family shows us that you have many admirable character traits. Perhaps reminding yourself of these will help you to feel stronger and more able to navigate life without him. When you’re ready you might like to give the ‘find your inner strengths’ worksheet a go. Its simple yet effective, and you’ll find it here in our ‘In Search of Lost Strengths’ article.

    In the meantime @Leigh we welcome you to keep reaching out to us here – we are here for you as you navigate this distressing time.🌸

    in reply to: Preparing my self to the passing of my Grandma #16387
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Essie, our hearts are with you for the loss of your beautiful grandmother. We are so glad that you were able to be with her and surrounded by loved ones as she passed.

    It’s understandable that you feel numb right now – we often feel this way for the first days, weeks, even months. This is your own unique grief response and there is no right or wrong way to adjust to your loss. But it’s so heart-warming to hear of the immense gratitude you have for the time you had with your grandmother. It speaks volumes of your very special bond and will serve you well as a valuable coping tool if things get overwhelming.

    Spending time with family then time alone is also a very helpful coping strategy. So too is focusing on the good memories you have…these are what formed your special bond and nothing can ever take them from you. We’re glad that you are able to practice such good self-care @Essie.

    And helping your grandfather to share the burden of grief is a beautiful way to honour your grandmother. Remember to be kind and caring to yourself too – no one would expect you to be strong every day. Reach out to us here anytime you need – we are here for you.🌸

    in reply to: Personal relationships #16386
    Leigh
    Participant

    I have recently separated from my husband of 33 years. It was completely his decision to leave and came completely out of the blue. I’m so lost and lonely. I have very supportive friends and family who are fabulous at trying to help me stay busy. But it’s night times after everyone has gone home that I really struggle. I’m trying to live my life but I don’t know how to without him. I’m just so sad. Any tips or advice to get through this is welcomed. Thank you

    in reply to: Preparing my self to the passing of my Grandma #16364
    Essie
    Participant

    Thank you, both for your support it means alot to me, I took some advice and tried rescue remedy to help ease the anxiety at night thank you @sam..
    My beloved Grandmother passed away yesterday surrounded by all her loved ones – I’m greatfull she was a part of my life & still is forever.
    At the moment I’m still processing everything, it doesn’t feel real.
    My reaction was far from what I expected.. I feel numb & cry time to time. I stay around loved ones but also give myself time to be alone & talk to her in spirt.
    I know I will need further support during these next weeks & I’ll try the resource hub recommended..
    I may try speaking to a therapist as I am quite stubborn when facing my emotions. I will concentrate on the good memories I had with her & I will never forget her!

    Now I need to be strong I know my Grandmother would want me too and also need to be thankful I have my grandfather still around helping eachother grieve his loss too, together.

    Thank you again.
    Xoxo

    in reply to: Had a bad fight with a close friend #16363
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Hi @Jack Falco, welcome to the forums. We’re sorry to hear that you’re experiencing such intense sadness over the argument with your close friend. And we’re also grateful that you’ve shared your story with us here because you’ve expressed a type of grief that seems to be happening more and more…Grief brought on by the loss of friendships due to differing views around COVID and its impacts.

    Your sadness is understandable – not only is your relationship strained but the situation may have led you to question whether you really knew your friend all along, and even whether you can continue to be their friend. These sorts of questions are very challenging and call on us to consider our own values and boundaries. You have shown considerable strength of character with your refusal to support his post and staying true to your values is something you can be proud of.

    Showing empathy to your friend would also show strength of character. Here’s a link to an article in the Sydney Morning Herald which you may find helpful; ‘I feel like I’m mourning’: Can friendships broken in the pandemic be repaired?’. The writer, Rachael Dexter reminds us that “people’s moods are a bit frayed [at the moment] and they can become more angry or explosive…you may not be seeing who they are deep down – it may be that you’re seeing them in a really tough position’. She goes on to suggest, “you don’t have to finish the conversation …you can say – lets come back in a few months and see where we’re at.”

    We feel like this could be good advice in this situation and we hope this is helpful. Please keep in touch and let us know whether you think it might work for you. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Preparing my self to the passing of my Grandma #16362
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Essie, welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you as you face the loss of your beloved grandma. Thank you for sharing your experience here – it takes a lot of courage – especially when you don’t usually talk about your feelings. And we’re so grateful to @Sam for offering their words of support and ideas for coping too.

    In your post, you expressed concerns for your mental health and mentioned that you have feared losing your grandma for years, which suggests you have been experiencing ‘anticipatory loss’ for some time. This type of loss brings all the same feelings and thoughts as after-death grief but can be worsened by anxiety caused by living day to day with the looming death. this situation might be contributing to you feeling ‘afraid and broken’.

    You mention that you cry every night. While we understand that excessive crying can be confronting and exhausting, it can also be therapeutic as a way of consoling ourselves. At Griefline we call crying a ‘self-embrace when there are no words to express the pain’. Crying is also a stress release which is something you are in need of at the moment. So be kind and gentle to yourself and let the tears flow.

    When we face losing a loved one we lose a sense of stability, especially when they’ve been there for us our whole lives – like your Grandma. We are suddenly faced with the unpredictability of life and our lack of control over it and can become excessively fearful and anxious (particularly if we’ve suffered from anxiety previously). Please know that anxiety in grief is normal. The impending loss of a loved one causes an overwhelming mix of thoughts and feelings – we switch from focusing on a future without them to the past with them in it. But by allowing yourself to be present and sit with your experience while accepting anxiety as a normal grief response, the anxiety will loosen its grip on you. Practicing self-care will also help – so continue to express your fears to others (just as you have done here on the forums) – you don’t have to shoulder this burden all on your own.

    It might also be helpful to practice mindfulness…have you tried the ‘Reflecting On Positive Experiences’ recording here on our resource hub? This can help to relax you and also takes your mind to a more peaceful place – even for a short while. It could bring you some moments of relief which we feel sure your loving grandma would want for you.


    @Essie
    , we hope this information and the coping strategies are helpful. And we hope that you will post again to let us know what’s happening for you. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Personal relationships #16357
    Jack Falco
    Participant

    Hello. I had a really bad argument with a close friend for almost 10 years and all started with him wanting me to support a post he put online which was really strongly worded about his covid views and I wasn’t comfortable to. It’s really made me sad

    in reply to: Preparing my self to the passing of my Grandma #16356
    Sam
    Participant

    Firstly, I’m sorry to hear you are in the process of saying goodbye to a close loved one. There are some natural remedies to help you cope with the stress & anxiety that unfortunately comes with losing a loved one, such as; melatonin,rescue remedy,& a few others you can pick up at your local pharmacy without a prescription. As for preparing for this, you really cannot prepare, what is helping me is to have moments of remembering how amazing they are & living my life the best I can now they’re gone, & finding my why,I have a beautiful son, & great friends to remember & support me, even when I break down, which I have come to terms with as being part of grieving. You can do this, it will be extremely hard, but if I can get through each day without my mum & sister you will be able to get through your beautiful grandma too xo

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16355
    Essie
    Participant

    I usually don’t like to talk about my feelings but I need any support I can, all these reading are so touching & I feel for every person.

    I just want to get this of my chest, I have never experienced a loss in my life that I’m so close too & I don’t know what to expect or how I will cope, 3 weeks ago I had the bad news that my grandma won’t be with us for much longer, she has dementia & a weak heart.

    Her pace maker for her has stop working & they won’t be able to replace it due to dementia & age. She is at home & it’s always been a fear of losing her for years. It’s my reality now..

    I was always so close to her from a young age & lived with her my whole life. She’s is getting weaker day by day & I don’t know how to handle it & prepare myself. Till this day she calls out my name & with dementia she had always remembered me & ask that I’m ok – when my beautiful grandmother still worry about me till this day. My heart is breaking and I feel like my mental health is horrible. I cry every night & have night terrors with the worst panic & anxiety.

    I suffer from anxiety and depression before all this, and I’m scared ill lose my sanity she is my everything.

    I do what I can but its extremely hard, I’m lost in what to do. I’m crushed & I’m afraid for what is ahead.

    How will I cope I’m broken.

    in reply to: Personal relationships #16345
    dpowell3840
    Participant

    Hi all
    I don’t post here that often but i am feeling I have no where else to turn to. I have always struggled with friendships all my life and I am finding now, I am struggling even more and it’s worrying me.
    My mother died earlier this year, Dad 17 years ago, have no brothers or sisters, grandparents are gone, no partner, no kids, I am nearly 40 years old. Along with losing my mother this year, I am losing friends. I discovered who were the lurkers, the ones that wanted to be there whenever something happened to feel to be apart of “the action”….And that limited me down to a very small handful of friends.

    I have grown up believing these things:
    Friendship is a two way street
    Not everyone agrees with you
    Friendship is give and take
    People change

    While I respect that and I admit I have changed and all, I am still trying to be the same person that I have always been, down to earth, being there for everyone as much as I can. The trouble I am having is that of the handful of friends I have left, only about 3 of them contact me reguarlarly while I am being the one to contact nearly everyone and I find it hard to have conversations.

    I have tried to be open with them about how I am feeling, what is happening with me (physically and mentally – both are not good at the moment, especially mentally), even writing a 5 page letter to them to try and get my point across, to try and get them to be with me before my Mum died. I just get ignored.

    What do I do? I don’t have any friends where I live as I was limited to outdoor things because of caring for my mother and because live in Victoria, with Covid. I already have anxieties on top of everything. I just don’t know what to do. I have bared my soul to the friends, as they say when you want to talk, talk, but I have to make the first move 99% of the time. Do I try and find new friends?

    Thank you

    Denise

    in reply to: I had to say goodbye to my Reason for Being #16316
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @morgana1963, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you on the passing of your beloved Thorin. You paint a beautiful picture of the incredible bond you had with each other. 18 years is such a long time and it sounds like he helped you through all of life’s ups and downs over the years.

    What you are experiencing sounds like grief that is equal to the grief people feel after losing a loved person (there are lots of studies showing this). It can be helpful and validating to know that these feelings of devastation and profound loss are natural and right considering the immense bond you had with your Thorie.

    Having to make the decision to let him go was courageous and selfless and yet so incredibly difficult. David Kessler, grief expert says the day we decide to love an animal is the day we accept that one day we’ll have to face losing them. They just don’t live long enough do they?

    That same courage shines through in those moments when you chide yourself for falling apart (because Thorin didn’t love you all those years for you to let that happen). When you think of him protecting you in this way you are continuing the bond you have with him. It’s a bond nothing can ever break. And you can keep it strong by remembering him fondly, cherishing keepsakes like his collar or photo or bowl etc., saying his name and telling stories about him.

    You mentioned you experience days when you feel like you’re getting better. Perhaps you could try reflecting on what makes those days easier? As you do more of the things that make life bearable you’ll start to string good days together and life won’t feel quite so hard to cope with.

    And having an understanding of what’s happening for you is also helpful. So you might like to take a look at our article on Losing a Pet here on the Resource Hub.

    @morgana1963
    , we hope you’ll keep posting and checking in. We’d love to hear some of your favourite stories about Thorin. We’re here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Finally facing up to my traumatic grief #16315
    Bub
    Participant

    Time doesnt heal all wounds I’m sorry you’re going through this. I lost my dad four years ago and it still feels like yesterday. You’re not responsible for your sons depression it sounds like you’re an amazing mum and role model

    in reply to: Used #16314
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Effie, welcome back to the forums. Our hearts are with you – you have your Dad’s anniversary coming up while feeling disrespected and alone in your marriage.

    It might be helpful to know that feeling alone in a relationship is more common than you think. Many of us are surrounded by lots of other people and yet still feel lonely. We long for someone who we can rely on, confide in and feel respected by.

    Because a quarter of Australians are dealing with loneliness and isolation like this, Griefline has started a new free service called Care to Call. We wonder if it might be something you’re interested in. At this stage, it’s funded for people living in NSW and Victoria only. So if you’re located in either one you might like to take a look at our webpage and consider signing up for the program.

    You’ll get a phone call every week from a friendly volunteer to talk about your experience. They’ll listen and understand. They might even suggest some activities in your local area that you could get involved with – to bring you some happiness and ease the loneliness. If it sounds like something you’re interested in, fill out the registration form here on our website; https://griefline.org.au/care-to-call.

    You are also warmly welcomed to keep posting here. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Loss of a pet #16313
    Morgana1963
    Participant

    Four weeks ago, I help my 18 year old boy for the last time as he slipped peacefully over the Rainbow bridge. Thorin my boy had been with me from the day he was born, with me delivering him along with his siblings. All his siblings went to good homes but my precious Thorie loved me the most and could not leave me. That tiny puppy 18 years ago gave me a reason to live when my days were at there darkest, and for the next 18 years his passion and love of life gave me a reason to be. He loved me without question, and i know he stayed with me for as long as he possibly could. I could not not make him suffer so four weeks ago I made the hardest choice of my life and had the vet help Thorin pass over. Some days i think im getting better, but other days im just so broken and i dont know if i will ever be right again. Then I get mad at myself because Thorin didnt give me all his life for me to fall apart the minute he left me. The world is empty and I hurt and no im not coping at all

    in reply to: My dad died unexpectedly at only 58 years old #16310
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @Kat, thank you for sharing your story with us here on the forums. Our hearts go out to you for the loss of your dad so suddenly. It’s been a week since you last posted so we’re reaching out to show our unconditional support and see what’s happening for you this week.

    The way you describe your thoughts and feelings – coming in and out of accepting the reality of the loss is something we often see at this early stage of the grief process. It’s our mind and body’s way of protecting us as we build strength and coping strategies to face the loss in its entirety.

    The unexpected loss of a loved one can be particularly difficult to accept and almost incomprehensible when it’s not in line with our expectations…we assume that our parents will outlive our grandparents, that your Dad will be there for your wedding and to watch your beautiful boys grow up. When expectations like these are dashed we refer to it as ‘shattered assumptions’. Not only have you lost your Dad but also the dreams and expectations you had of your future together. Our ‘assumptive world’ gives us a feeling of predictability, safety, and stability in our daily lives but life-changing events like the sudden loss of a parent can leave us feeling extremely vulnerable and unsafe – giving you that feeling that everything is ‘out of your control’.

    As strange as it may sound and as painful as it is, grief is actually the process we have to go through to revise our assumptive world so that we can feel safe and functional again. Basically, we need to let our grief unfold so that we can rebuild our world in a way that makes sense of the loss. With the help of coping strategies and lots of support, we start to redefine ourselves and how we interact with the world.

    One of the most effective coping strategies is social support. From your post, it appears you have a beautiful and understanding bond with your grandmother however you are selflessly putting her grief ahead of yours right now. You also mention that you have a good support network of friends who you would usually turn to but feel like it’s ‘pointless’ talking to them. We’re wondering if there might be certain friends who might be more helpful thank you think? Lots of bereaved people fear that their friends or family members might be pushy, give unwanted or silly advice. We often have fairly high expectations of them, but it can be more beneficial to go ahead and accept their help rather than assume they don’t get it. Perhaps think about those friends you respect or have also lost a loved one – the ones you feel on equal terms with – this can make sharing your experience much easier.

    And if there are friends that you’d definitely prefer not to discuss it with perhaps ask them for helpful and useful support instead…something to take the pressure off looking after a family while you’re going through this intense grief. Maybe someone can help with chores or errands. It’s very likely your friends really want to help and this gives them the opportunity to support you in some way.

    From the way you describe your thoughts about your Dad’s passing, it sounds like you’re quite a visual person. These confronting thoughts and the images in your mind can be very difficult to cope with. We often suggest a ‘sending loving-kindness’ meditation when this happens – where you shift your confronting thoughts to sending love instead. It can be something like this; say to your Dad “I’m sending you love. I’m surrounding you with love” and repeat it over and over. This also helps to keep the bond with your Dad strong – because that can never be broken.


    @Kat
    we hope this information and these tips are helpful in some way and we would love to hear from you again. We are here for you. 🌸

    in reply to: Used #16309
    Effie
    Participant

    Hi all
    An update
    It’s a year nearly since my dad passed away already. I miss him everyday. I’m still being treated like crap. I’m disrespected by my husband
    He speaks to me with rudeness with no apology he speaks to others like honey but to me he’s a jerk. And I have to be ok with it. Well I’m not anymore.
    He does not deserve me n I’m sick of being used like a glorified house maid for his brothers kid’s.
    Today he was commenting on girls at the beach n telling the older boy to ho show them how to kick a ball.
    I believe it was him that wanted to go. But disrespected me to my face.
    Not to mention being on his phone when I talk so I guess it’s time to see a solicitor.
    I’m not well his family has made me sick and he allowed it and sticks up fir them when they abused me for years he never asks how I am at all. He is rude full stop. I think he is here cos he’s expecting I’m gonna die so he will get it all.
    All I can say is thank god we don’t have kids together
    But I’m fed up. He needs to go.
    I’ve been married for 30 years and I’ve always been alone. Leading a single life cos he is selfish. Simply a pig.

    in reply to: My dad died unexpectedly at only 58 years old #16306
    Kat
    Participant

    Hello?

    in reply to: Loss of a Loved One #16305
    onlinecommunity
    Keymaster

    Dear @mrgrief85, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you on the 10th anniversary of your wife’s passing. Here on the forums, we have spoken about the pain of anniversaries many times – and we know that no matter how many years have passed, the pain can be just as overwhelming as the first year. So, we’re glad that you reached out to us to speak your story and share your feelings.

    You mention feeling ‘lost and alone’ – a common experience for those who have lost a spouse …it’s actually the most prominent cause of ‘emotional loneliness’… And caring for an ill spouse in the lead up to their passing often increases the risk of loneliness even further. Perhaps this was your experience too?

    Understanding the risk factors can help to validate your grief and loneliness experience… and it might also be comforting to know that there are ways to alleviate the loneliness. One of these is connecting with understanding and compassionate people. Griefline has introduced the Care to Call program which connects anyone feeling lonely and isolated to a friendly volunteer who will give you a call once a week to chat about whatever is on your mind. If this sounds of interest you can register for the program here on our website; https://griefline.org.au/care-to-call
    Our team will give you a call to chat about the program in more detail – so you can take it up now or whenever you feel ready.

    Daniel, we’re sorry to hear that your grief is having such a significant impact on your life – only allowing you to be free of it around 10% of the time. We’re wondering what’s happening during that 10% of relative peace…and whether there might be a way to engage more in whatever you’re doing during those times? We would love for you to tell us more about this in your next post. And in the meantime, you might like to take a look at our article ‘Coping With Grief’ if you haven’t already. There may be some tips in there that you haven’t tried out yet.

    We hope you’ll post again Daniel. We’re here for you always. 🌸

    in reply to: Loss of a Loved One #16304
    MrGRIeF85
    Participant

    Hi, my name is Daniel and I lost my partner of 10 years to cancer this past Wed (15/09/21).
    It’s been a horrible ordeal, as I feel lost and alone 90% of the time.

    in reply to: I’m the age my mum was when she died #16303
    K4593
    Participant

    Hi Fergie,

    I am so glad you reached out to share your story. My grief snuck up on me when I was approaching the age that my dad died, almost 30 years on. I became incredibly anxious and at the time I did not realise what was happening to me. What helped me was speaking with someone outside of my family and support network to share my experience. Another thing that helped was writing an open letter to my dad. In the letter I thanked him for all the memories, for being there when I needed him, for teaching me how to be who I am and I added to letter when I felt like I needed to process my emotions or an experience. Please know we are here for you if you need to talk.

    Take care

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16302
    Susanmarkw@hotmail
    Participant

    Hi everyone
    My Dad drowned on a family holiday when I was 18 my mum brother and i were there ,I am 55 now
    We coped as best we could but to be honest myself, my brother and Mum have never really celebrated Dad since then.
    Mum fell apart and then remarried 3 years later and moved on
    I felt like my family and trust in the safety of the world was destroyed
    I have had a good life though, I am a compassionate doctor, I have a husband and 2 kids i have good friends
    I have had counselling around my fear of something bad happening to my kids and managing my anxiety and I meditate
    My 20 year old son has depression and was suicidal and through family counselling for him I understood the impact of my grief on my parenting and the impact of my very strong intergenerational history of traumatuc grief , which is filled with suicide and accidents, where there is a lot of shame and stigma and a story line of being strong

    I am so tired, tired of feeling shame because my grief for Dad is still there , tired of fear , of not trusting myself or the world and my hypervigilance for threat
    All this stops me fully connecting with my husband and kids, from enjoying my work as i always need to be in control , hold some part of my back , be on the look out for something bad about to happen
    I feel like i cant talk about this with my Mum or brother aa it would be too hard for them
    Thanks for listening

    in reply to: Used #16300
    jamifids
    Participant

    Hi
    I have been caring for my nephews n niece for 8 years
    It’s a carer situation. My husbands family has done nothing but abuse me for 7 and a half years. My husband does not support me or stick up for me he just makes excuses. I am sick and he is more worried about everyone else than what’s in front of his face. And has done this for years. He tells me I’m living in the past to let it go. But when ur traumatised by toxic people being his family, abusing me and blaming me for their drug addiction and mistakes it’s not past it’s trauma and present.
    I’m so alone I feel I lead a single life. I feel I’m being used Cos it’s easy cos I’m an idiot. He keeps calling them his kids.
    They are not his kids.
    I get abused for years and now he thinks it’s ok to have a relationship with his family, like it’s ok. Well it’s not I don’t see this working out. I’m sick of being used, I’m sick of being abused and not supported by the one person that should. I can only put it to one thing. He just does not give a damn. Blood is thicker than water.
    But my life is gone now. My life is not my own it’s been dictated by morons.
    I’m sick of this.
    And now loosing my dad recently I just want to be with him. This is crap. This is not the life I signed up for.
    I’m actually hating everyone in my life
    Enough is enough.
    Christmas was shit and I’m sick of being judged.
    Lost my marbles, right.

    You need support and time to deal with the situation. You don’t need to make any quick decisions. Think about what the future holds for you.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by jamifids.
    in reply to: I’m the age my mum was when she died #16299
    Fergie
    Participant

    25 years ago. 🤦‍♀️

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16298
    Fergie
    Participant

    I’m working through grief that has intensified this year, after losing mum 2t years ago. I think it’s a combination of the milestone anniversary of losing her, as well as the fact that I am now the age she was when she died. So that means I am now living longer than she managed to. The guilt of that has weighed heavily on me, and I am starting to improve from the depression I had slowly but slowly sunken in to. I suppose the point of this post is to say – grief can sneak up on you at various moments over your lifetime. I’m learning to deal with these emotions, and would welcome others’ suggestions on what has helped them. Thanking you.

    in reply to: Loss of a loved one #16296
    Kat
    Participant

    On June 10th my dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack – I found out from a phone call. Suddenly he wasn’t here anymore. He is gone. My brain has been struggling to process this and for the most part it hasn’t felt real. Then I feel sadness. I have 2 sons (his only grandchildren) one is 3 years old and the other is only 6 months (he was just 3 months old when dad died). He won’t see his grandchildren grow and he won’t be there for my wedding. All my grandparents are still alive but my dad is dead! I usually talk to friends when I’m feeling down but it feel pointless now. The only one who understands is my grandmother (my dad’s mum) I think she is struggling even more than me – she keeps saying ‘no mother should ever have to bury her child’. When I talk to her I don’t feel alone. I don’t even know what advice I am looking for, I don’t know what I need. It’s so out of my control and I know that only time can help but I’m sad. I want my dad back. I feel robbed, I think and think and think. I didn’t get to say goodbye. It seems so strange that there was a living person and suddenly just a body on the floor.

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