Loss of a Loved One

[onlinecommunity]

Welcome to a place to discuss the loss of a partner, family member, close friend or anyone significant in your life.

Everyone grieves differently. Your grief is as unique as your own fingerprint. However, while often immensely painful, grief is our natural healing process in response to loss.

Grief comes and goes, it can be intense and then manageable, predictable and then uncontrollable. It might be brought on by a recent loss or a historical one, be triggered by an anniversary or the dread of an approaching milestone.

This forum is a safe and emotionally supportive space. It is a place to be accepted and understood by others who can empathise with you. You can feel free to remember your loved one and tell us about your grief journey. Together we can learn to understand the changing nature of grief over time while sharing coping tools and ways to practice self-care.

Topic

[JanetGe]

Thanks @onlinecommunity for your kindness and support.

I have been seeing Psychologist for the past few months.

I think I am getting better with some improvements on both my mental and physical health.

I have now moved to a stage where I wake up with missing my dad so badly but I can control the time I think about him.

However, sometimes I just feel sad and down because I know he is not around and I wish to go back to the past so badly.

Processing the fact of losing him is unbelievably hard and killing me.

I have positive thoughts about moving on with life but it is just becoming so hard to be truly happy from the bottom of my heart.

The pain never goes away but it feels like tsunami that keeps coming back and goes away after taking down my emotions.

I guess it is not the fact that losing him is unacceptable but losing him in such an early time when I still want to spend time with him.

I don’t understand why he would leave us so early and god did this to him.

[JanetGe]

@samwalks
Hi Sam Thanks for your kindness and support.

I feel sorry for your loss and totally understand the feeling when there is not a lot of support in Australia.

My whole family is also overseas and I only have a couple of family members in Australia.

I also understand the fact that emotions come back and go away sometimes for no reason.

It is also unpredictable, I guess it is just built in our brain to switch on and off before it would explode and break our immune system.

It is OK to cry and move on with life carrying the sorrow for your loved ones.

They never die if you remember the time you spent with them.

I would like to think about my dad whenever I want even it kills me when I think about him.

I also believe when my time comes, he will pick me up from heaven.

[Shellbell]

I received a phone call on the 28th of March to say my parents had been involved in a car accident, a car had crossed from the wrong side of the road and hit them. 4 weeks ago today we turned off my mums life support as she sustained horrific injuries. My dad is alive but with broken bones and wounds. I have seen enough evidence to know my mum is gone but it’s like my brain can’t comprehend it and I feel like I am going insane. I live on the same street and have two small boy who adored their grandparents, my parents were apart of our everyday lives and I feel completely broken. I have no idea how to get through this or to even feel a sense of real ness instead I spend my time pleading to wake up and have her walk through our gate to see my boys and have a cuppa. I miss her so much and I feel like I lost both parents that day because my dad is grieving the traumatic loss of his wife of 50 years. I’m trying to parent my two boys but I feel like I can barely breath most days.

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @Shellbell, welcome to the Griefline forums. Our hearts go out to you for the multiple sudden and traumatic losses you have experienced; the passing of your beloved mum, the changes in your traumatised Dad and the life you had with your parents and boys before the accident happened. It is such an awful lot to have to deal with, it’s no wonder you feel like you’re ‘going insane’ and struggling to breathe most days. These thoughts and feelings are synonymous with such intense grief and loss – and though the shortness of breath might feel frightening and even unbearable, it can be reassuring to know that the grief felt in our body is a way of helping us identify our emotions.

Part of grief work is naming these feelings in the body, linking them with the emotion that it accompanies, and identifying when and why they are triggered. You can also take it a step further by staying with the feelings even if only for a brief time as this can give you a sense of mastery over them. While it might seem impossible right now, it also helps to know that your emotions and reactions will soften and become much more bearable over time.

Having an escape from these feelings and thoughts would also be very beneficial so you might like to try some of the audio recordings here on our Resource Hub. In particular the Mindfulness track and the Reflecting on Positive Experiences track could be quite soothing for you.

We are also wondering what support structures you have around you to help with the boys and your Dad…do you have family or friends who can take some of the load off you? While it’s clear you have amazing inner strength (shown by your ability to express yourself so clearly on the forums), you are essentially in need of emotional intensive care of your own. Now is your time to call on those around you for help and support. Is this something you think you are able to do?

@Shellbell, we hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are going and what other ways you need support. We are here for you as you navigate this very difficult journey. 🌸

[Tammy87]

Hi all,nearly 6mths ago now,I lost my husband in a tragic car accident,he was the passenger in his mates car.he was 28yrs old,we have 3 kids.
I was first on scene and tried reviving him,im notcoping at all

[GL friend]

Hi @tammy87
Thats horrible! I am so sorry for your loss. I wonder how you have coped over the last 6 months? I remember when mum died, my sleep patterns were a mess and I had no appetite. The first 6 months were awful. I hope you can recognise that grief takes time and ebbs and flows. I hope that you find comfort and ways of selfcare during this time. Sometimes journalling, cleaning, creating memory collage or other form od artwork help. Sending you lots of strength.

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @tammy87, welcome to the Griefline forums. Our hearts go out to you for your loss and the devastation you have experienced on the sudden passing of your husband.

Firstly, we want to acknowledge your courage in showing up by posting here on the forums. We believe it’s only a glimpse into the courage and strength you must have mustered to get through the past 6 months with your 3 children. We also acknowledge that even though you feel like you’re not ‘not coping at all’, by posting here you applied one of the most important coping skills available to you – reaching out to others for support. We’re so glad you have done so because your grief and loss must be witnessed. As David Kessler says – “we weren’t meant to be an island of grief”. So please feel free to tell us more about your experience of loss – we are here to hold you in your grief.

For more coping strategies please go to the article ‘coping with grief‘ on the Resource Hub. While some of the strategies might be too early for you to access at this stage, others are simple yet effective, like;
– “Adapt your old routines to the changes in your life. Establish new daily routines that ensure you have a healthy diet, good hygiene, adequate sleep, and are attending to your medical care.
– Strengthen your body by reconnecting to it through exercise and movement. This can be low intensity such as a gentle walk, yoga or tai chi or more vigorous such as returning to the gym, running, even dance…there are many ways to move your body.
– Create a safe and comforting space for yourself. This can be in real life or your imagination (try this Positive Experiences mindfulness exercise).

@tammy87, you showed so much bravery in the face of an intensely traumatic situation…being first on the scene and trying to revive your husband is profound. Our Resource Hub also has some information about trauma which you might like to take a look at here. In particular it mentions “Some people find that they are able to work through their traumatic experience with a trusted friend/s or family members who understand or have lived experience. Others may find formal psychological support such as a Counsellor or Psychologist useful in working through what has occurred.” We are wondering whether you feel well supported by professional counselling? If you need assistance with this, please reach out to the Online Community Coordinator and we will do our best to help.

For today, try to show yourself love and kindness by asking yourself, “In what ways can I show myself greater compassion and love today?”. You deserve all of that and more.

And please keep posting…we are here for you. 🌸

[vince]

Hi, I’m Vince. I lost my wife 3 years ago. I’m trying to connect with other people who can understand my grief.

[Trish]

My beautiful husband lost his battle with lung cancer in March this year & I have been inwardly struggling ever since.
I am surrounded by family & have many friends that care yet I feel alone in my grief.
Night time is the worst time & sleep evades me, my mind is a whirlpool of thoughts & I can see how easy it would be to turn to drink or tablets
to stop the thoughts & sleep.

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @Trish, welcome to the Forums ❤️ Our hearts go out to you for the loss of your dear husband and the struggle you’re going through in your grief journey.

You mention that you have been inwardly struggling and it makes us wonder if you have allowed yourself to outwardly show the extent of your anguish. Many of us keep our grief shut away or tempered, forcing us to shoulder the burden alone, even though there are people around us who would gladly take on some of the load if there was a way to do so.

Here is an excerpt from the ‘Coping with Grief’ article on our Resource Hub…perhaps there is something in this that you find helpful;

“Often, when consumed by grief, we turn away from the one thing that might help us most…other people. We might feel that no one understands us, we have to do this on our own, or that we’re a burden to others…. [but] the benefits of sharing our pain with others almost always override the drawbacks.
Here are some tips to seek comfort and help from others;
• Reach out to family, friends…. but permit yourself to retreat when you need to be alone.
• Take the initiative to reach out to new people who have experienced a similar loss – they might be from social groups, sporting clubs, church groups, in the workplace or internet forums…
• Force yourself to be around people and do things – even when it feels too hard. Try to have at least one thing in your calendar every day, along with a back-up.
• Allow yourself to grieve in public – it’s perfectly ok to have a cry.
• Share your story of loss. Go ahead and tell anyone who will listen about your loved one and your relationship even if they don’t have the words to respond.
You can read the rest of the article here

You might also find some peace during the very challenging times in the middle of the night by turning to meditation…here is a link to an audio recording on our Resource Hub. It was chosen especially by Psychologists at Smiling Minds.
This page also includes tips on breathing which may be helpful.

@Trish by posting on the forum you’ve shown great courage in the face of such adversity. We hope that you continue to post and that we can support you in your grief journey 🌸

[Author]

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